Abbildungen der Seite
PDF
EPUB

AUCtioneer Eloquence.

An elegant pleasure-yacht being sold by auction, the auctioneer said, that it comprehended all the advantages of the most finished country villa, besides many which were peculiar to itself. It had all the accommodations of a house, and was free from the inconveniences of a had ueighbourhood, for its scite could be changed at pleasure; it had not only the richest, but also the most various prospects; and it was a villa free from house-duty and window-lights; it paid neither church-tythe nor poor-rate ; it was free from government and parochial tares, and it not only had a command of wood and water, but possessed the most extensive fishery of any house in England.

A philosophic COBB LeR.

Though not very fond of seeing a pageant myself, yet I am generally pleased with being in the crowd which sees it: it is amusing to observe the effect, which such a spectacle has upon the variety of faces; the pleasure it excites in some, the envy in others, and the wishes it raises in all. With this design, I lately went to see the entry of a foreign ambassador, resolved to make one in the mob, to shout as they shouted, to fix with earnestness upon the same frivolous objects, and participate for a while the pleasures and the wishes of the vulgar.

In this plight, as I was considering the eagerness that appeared in every face, how some bustled to get foremost, and others contented themselves with taking a transient peep when they could ; how some praised the four black servants that were stuck behind one of the equipages, and some the ribbons that decorated the horses’ necks in another; my attention was called off to an object more extraordinary than any I had yet seen: a poor cobler sat in his stall by the way-side, and continued to work, while the crowd passed by, without testifying the smallest share of curiosity. I own his want of attention

sistance, I thought it best to employ a philon phic cobler on this occasion. Perceiving uny \siness, therefore, he desired me to enter and it down, took my shoe in his lap, and began to mend it, with his usual indifference and wo turnity. “How, my friend,” said I to num, “canyon continue to work, while, all those fine thing at: passing by your door "–“Very fine they are, master,” returned the cobler, “for those that like them, to be sure; but what are all those fine things to me? You don't know what it is to be a cobler, and so much the better for youncf. Your bread is baked ; you may go and see sight the whole day, and eat a warm supper when yov come home at night; but for me, if I should run hunting after all these fine folk, what should get by my journey but an appetite? and, Gel help me, I have too much of that at home already, without stirring out for it. Your people. who may eat four meals a-day, and a suppet A night, are but a bad example to such a one as I. —No, master, as God has called me into thi world, in order to mend old shoes, I have no wo siness with fine folk, and they no business wit me.” I here interrupted him with a smile “See this last, master,” continues he, “wo this hammer; this last and hammer are the tw best friends I have in this world, nobody wo will be my friend, because I want a friend. T great folks you saw pass by just now have fi hundred friends, because they have no occasi for them : now, while I stick to my good frire here, I am very contented ; but, when L ever little run after sights and fine things, I begin hate my work, l grow sad, and have no heart mend shoes any longer.” This discourse only served to raise my curio to know more of a man whom nature had formed into a philosopher. I therefore in sibly led him into a history of his advent. “I have lived,” said he, “a wandering now five-and-fifty years, here to-day nrofs

excited mine; aud, as I stood in need of his as

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors]
[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]
[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors]

“Then,” quoth the stranger, “vain is all endea-
vour,
Sans voice to call, sans vigour to pursue:
And since your hat, of course, is gone for ever,
I'll e'en make bold to take your wig–adieu !”

rival doctors.

When Drs. Cheyne and Winter were the two principal physicians at Bath, they adopted very opposite modes of practice; but the former gave some credence to his prescription of milk diet, by making it the principal article of his own sustenance. On this occasion Winter scut to him the following stanzas:— Tell me from whom, fat-headed Scot, Thou didst thy system learn ; From Hippocrates thou hast it not, Nor Celsus, nor Pitcairne.

Suppose we own that milk is good,
And say the same of grass ;
The one for babes and calves is food,
The other for an ass.
Doctor, one new prescription try,
A friend's advice forgive :
Eat grass, reduce thyself, and die,

t “tectuai, broke her

Thy patients then may live.

[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]
[graphic]

And still as fast as he drew near,

Away went Gilpin, out of breath,, 'Twas wonderful to view,

And sore against his will, How in a trice the turnpike-men

'Till at his friend the Callender's Their gates wide open threw.

His horse at last stood still, And now as he went bowing down

The callender, amaz'd to see His reeking head full low,

His neighbour in such trim, The bottles twain behind his back,

Laid down his pipe, flew to the gate, Were sbatter'd at a blow.

And thus accosted him Down ran the wine into the road,

“ What news? what news? your tidings tell Most piteous to be seen,

Tell me, you must and shallWhich made his horse's flanks to smoke

Say why bare-headed you are come, As they had basted been.

Or why you're come at all?” But still he seem'd to carry weight,

Now Gilpin had a pleasant wit, With leather girdle brac'd

And lov'd a timely joke; For all might see the bottle necks

And thus unto the callender, Still dangling at his waist.

In merry guise he spokeThus all through unerry Islington

I came because your horse would come, These gambols he did play,

And if I well forbode, And till he came unto the Wash

My hat and wig will soon be hero ; Of Edmonton so gay.

They are upon the road. And there he threw the wash about

The calender, right glad to find On both sides of the way,

His friend in merry pin, Just like unto a tr’ındling mop,

Return'd him not a single word, Or a wild goose at play.

But to the house weni in; At Edmonton his loving wife

When straight he caine with hai and wig, From balcony espied

A wig that flow'd behind, Her tender husband, wond'ring much

A hat not much the worse for wear, To see how he did ride.

Each comely in its kind, • Stop, stop, Joho Gilpin !'here's the house, ' He held them up, and in his tura They all at once did cry;

Thus show'd his ready wit; “ The dinner waits, and we are tir'd;".

“ My head is twice as big as yours, Said Gilpin" So am I.”

They therefore needs must fit. But yet his horse was not a whit

“ But let me scrape the dirt away Inclin'd to tarry there;

That hangs upon yoor face ; For why-his owner had a house

Avd stop and eai, for well you may Full ten miles off, at Ware.

Be in a hungry case," So like an arrow swift he few,

Said John, “ It is my wedding days Shot by an archer strong ;

And all the world would stare, So did he fly--which brings me to

If wife should dine at Edmonton, The middle of my song.

And I should dine at Ware."

[merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small]

So turning to his horse he said,

Stop thief! stop thief! a highwayman ! I am in haste to dine ;

Not one of them was mute;
'Twas for your pleasure you came here,

And all and each thut pass'd that way
You sball go back for mine."

Did join in the pursuit.
Ah! luckless speech, and bootless boast ! And now the turnpike gates again
For which he paid full dear;

Flew open in short space:
For while he spake a braying ass

The toll-men thinking, as before,
Did sing most loud and clear!

That Gilpin rode a race.
Whereat his horse did sport as he

And so he did, and won it too,
Had heard a lion roar;

For he got first to Town,
And galloped off with all his might,

Nor stopp'd till where he first got up
As he had done before.

He did again get down,
Away went Gilpin, and away

Now let us siog, long live the king,
Went Gilpin's hat and wig;

And Gilpin, long live he;
He lost them sooner than at first,

And when he next doth ride abroad,
For why? they were too big.

May I be there to see!
Now Mistress Gilpin, when she saw

AFFAIR OF HONOUR ACCOMMODATED.
Her husbaod posting down,

Weston the actor having borrowed, on note, five Into the country far away,

pounds, and failing in payment, the gentleman She pulld out half a crown;

who bad lent the money mentioned it in a public And thus unto the youth she said

coffee-house, which caused Weston to seod him a That drove them to the Bell,

challenge. When in the field, the gentleman, This shall be your's when you briog back being a little teoder in point of courage, offered My husband safe and well.

him the note to make it up; to which our hero rea

dily consented, aod the note was delivered, “ But The youth did ride, and soon did meet

now," said the gentleman, “if we should return John coming back amain,

without fighting, our companions will laugh at us, Whom in a trice he tried to stop

therefore let us give each other a slight scratch, By catching at his rein;

and say we wounded each other,"_" With all my But not performing what he meant

heart” said Weston ;“come, I'll wound you first," And gladly would have done,

so drawing his sword, he thrust it through the The frighted steed be frighted more,

fleshy part of his antagonist's arm, till he brought And made him faster run,

the tears into his eyes. This being done, and the

wound tied up with à hankerchief, “ Come,” Away went Gilpin, and away

said the gentleman,“ where shall I wound you ?” Went post-boy at his heels,

Weston, puiting himself in a posture of defence, The post-boy's horse right glad to m189

replied, " where you can, sir." The lumb'ring of the wheels.

(PAST cure.) Six gentlemen upon the road,

Comus proclaims aloud his wife's a w; Thas seeing Gilpin dy,

Alas! good Comus! what can we do more? With post-boy scamp'ring in the rear,

Were thou no cuckold we could make thee one, They rais'd the hue aod cry;

But, being so, we cannot make thee none,

[ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][ocr errors]

COMMITTAL.

THE MISER'S Mansion. A witness in the Court of King's Bench being See, sir, see, here's the grand approach ; cross-examined by Mr. Garrow, was asked if he This way is for his grace's coach: was not a fortune-teller. “ I am not,” answered There lies the bridge, and here's the clock the witness ; “ but if every one had his due, I Observe the lion and the cock, should have no difficulty in telling your fortune." The spacious court, the colonnade, -"Well, fellow," says Mr. Garrow, "

pray

And mark how wide the hall is made what is to be my fortune :"-"Why, sir,” re The chimnies are so well design'd, joined the witness, “ I understand you made your They never sinoke in any wind. first speech at the Old Bailey, and I think it is

The gallery's contriv'd for walking; probable that you will make your last speech The windows, to retire and talk io ; there.” Lord Kenyon told the witness, angrily, The council-chamber for debate, “ That he would commit him."-" I hope,” an And all the rest are rooms of state. swered he, “ your lordship will not cominit your Thanks, sir, cried I; 'tis very fine self."

But where d'ye sleep, or where d'ye diae? A SLEEPING WATCHMAN.

I find, by all you have been telling, Sound sleeps yon guardian of the night,

This is a house, but not a dwelling, The hours oncall'd-youth's rest not sweeter.

KNAVERY ON ALL SIDES. “ I thought he was a watch”—“ You're right,

A clergyman said to one of his poor parishioners, He's a stop-watch, not a repeater."

“ You bave lived like a knave, and you will die THE CHRISTENING.

like a knave."-" Then,” said the poor fellow,

you will bury me like a kpave.” A countryman carrying his son to be baptized, the parson asked what was to be the name.

A WELL-INFORMED WITNESS. “ Peter, my own name, and please your reve.

A quaker was examined before the board of rence.”—“Peter, that is a bad name; Peter excise, concerning certain duties; when the consdenied his master.”—“ What then would your missioners thinking themselves' disrespectfully reverence advise ?”—“ Why not take my name, treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them, Joseph ?"_“ Joseph; ah! he denied his mis- with a stern countenance, asked him; " Pray, tress.”

sir, do you know what we sit here for " ELECTION MANEUVRE.

" Yea," replied Nathan, " I do some of you The non-resident freemen of Berwick-upon- others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds

for a thousand, some for Afteen buodred, and Tweed living in London, being put on board two vessels in the Thames, a few days previous to the

a-year." election of 1768, in order to be conveyed to Ber

THE TOPER'S LOGIC. wick by water, Mr. Taylor, one of the candidates Some say that hard drinking will hasten our end, in opposition, covenanted with the naval com- And thai temperance is to long life the best frieoda mander of this election cargo, for the sum of £400, But since we were fashion'd from dust, as we to land the freemen in Norway. This was ac learn, cordingly done, and in consequence Mr. Taylor And to dust are all hast'oing again to return, and Lord Delaval secured their seats without any To prolong our existence, a toper would say,

l'Tis undoubtedly needfal to "noisten our clay."

farther expense.

« ZurückWeiter »