AUCTIONEER ELOQUENCE. can you sistance, I thought it best to employ a philoso An elegant pleasure-yacht being sold by auction, siness, therefore, he desired me to enter and sit phic cobler on this occasion. Perceiving my bu the auctioneer said, that it comprehended all the down, took my shoe in his lap, and began to advantages of the most finished country villa, be-mend it, with his usual indifference and taci sides many which were peculiar to itself. It had turnity. all the accommodations of a house, and was free from the inconveniences of a bad neighbourhood, for its scite could be changed at pleasure; it had not only the richest, but also the most various prospects; and it was a villa free from house-duty and window-lights; it paid neither church-tythe nor poor-rate; it was free from government and parochial taxes, and it not only had a command of wood and water, but possessed the most extensive fishery of any house in England. A PHILOSOPHIC COBBler. continue to work, while all those fine things are "How, my friend," said I to aim, " passing by your door?"-" Very fine they are. master," returned the cobler, "for those that like them, to be sure; but what are all those find things to me? You don't know what it is to be a cobler, and so much the better for yourself Your bread is baked; you may go and see sight the whole day, and eat a warm supper when you come home at night; but for me, if I should ru hunting after all these fine folk, what should get by my journey but an appetite? and, Go Though not very fond of seeing a pageant my-help me, I have too much of that at home a self, yet I am generally pleased with being in the ready, without stirring out for it. Your peopl crowd which sees it: it is amusing to observe the who may eat four meals a-day, and a supper effect, which such a spectacle has upon the va- night, are but a bad example to such a one as riety of faces; the pleasure it excites in some,-No, master, as God has called me into th the envy in others, and the wishes it raises in all. world, in order to mend old shoes, I have no b With this design, I lately went to see the entry of siness with fine folk, and they no business wi a foreign ambassador, resolved to make one in me." I here interrupted him with a sm the mob, to shout as they shouted, to fix with" See this last, master," continues he, "a earnestness upon the same frivolous objects, and this hammer; this last and hammer are the t participate for a while the pleasures and the best friends I have in this world, nobody e wishes of the vulgar. will be my friend, because I want a friend. In this plight, as I was considering the eager-great folks you saw pass by just now have ness that appeared in every face, how some hundred friends, because they have no occas bustled to get foremost, and others contented for them; now, while I stick to my good frie themselves with taking a transient peep when here, I am very contented; but, when I ever they could; how some praised the four black little run after sights and fine things, I begi servants that were stuck behind one of the equi-hate my work, 1 grow sad, and have no hear pages, and some the ribbons that decorated the mend shoes any longer." horses' necks in another; my attention was called This discourse only served to raise my curio off to an object more extraordinary than any I to know more of a man whom nature had had yet seen: a poor cobler sat in his stall by formed into a philosopher. I therefore it the way-side, and continued to work while the sibly led him into a history of his advent crowd passed by, without testifying the smallest" I have lived," said he, "a wandering share of curiosity. I own his want of attention now five-and-fifty years, here to-day and excited mine; and, as I stood in need of his as-to-morrow; for it was my misfortune, wh young, to be fond of changing."-" You heart. I searched the whole stall, after she was been a traveller then, I presume?" inter- dead, for money; but she had hidden it so effeced I. "I can't boast much of travelling,"tually, that, with all my pains, I could never find inned he, "for I have never left the parish a farthing." ASSISTANCE. Curio, whose hat a nimble knave had snatch'd, hich I was born but three times in my life, could not but smile at these migrations of a The first three years we used to quarrel at this every day, and I always got the bet, but she had a hard spirit, and still contito hide as usual; so that I was at last tired quarrelling and getting the better, and she ped and scraped at pleasure, till I was almost Ted to death. Her conduct drove me at last espair to the alehouse; here I used to sit, people who hated home like myself, drank le I had money left, and run in score when body would trust me; till at last the landy coming one day with a long bill, when I from home, and putting it into my wife's ds, the length of it effectually broke her roar." Then," quoth the stranger, "vain is all endea vour, Sans voice to call, sans vigour to pursue: RIVAL DOCTORS. When Drs. Cheyne and Winter were the two principal physicians at Bath, they adopted very opposite modes of practice; but the former gave some credence to his prescription of milk diet, by making it the principal article of his own susteDance. On this occasion Winter sent to him the following stanzas: Tell me from whom, fat-headed Scot, Suppose we own that milk is good, The one for babes and calves is food, Doctor, one new prescription try, A friena's advice forgive: Quin being asked if he had ever been in Scotland, and how he liked the people, replied: "If you mean the lower order of them, I shall be at a loss to answer you; for I had no farther acquaintance with them than by the smell. As for the nobility they are numerous; and, for the most part, proud and beggarly. I remember, when I crossed from the north of Ireland into their country, I came to a little wretched village, consisting of a dozen huts, in the style of the Hottentots; the principal of which was an inn, and kept by an earl. I was mounted on a shrivelled quadruped, for there was no certainty of calling it horse, mare, or gelding; much like a North Wales goat, but larger, and without horns. The whole village was up in an instant to salute me; supposing, from the elegance of my appearance, that I must be some person of a large fortune and great family. The earl ran, and took hold of my stirrup while I dismounted; then turning to his eldest son, who stood by us without breeches, said, my lord, do you take the gentleman's horse to the stable, and desire your sister, Lady Betty, to draw him a pint of two-penny; for I suppose so great a mon will ha' the best liquor in the whol hous.""I was obliged," continued Quin, "to stay here a whole night, and to make a supper of] rotten potatoes and stinking eggs. The old nobleman was indeed very complaisant, and made me accept of his own bed. I cannot say that the dormitory was the best in the world; for there was nothing but an old box to sit upon in the room, and there were neither sheets nor curtains to the bed. Lady Betty was kind enough to apologize for the apart ment, assuring me, many persons of great degnaty had frequently slept in it; and that though the blonkets luked sae block, it was not quile four years sin they had been washed by the countess her mother, and Lady Matilda Carolina Amelia Eleonora Sophia, one of her younger sisters. She then wished me a good night, and said, the vis count, her brother, would take particular care to grease my boots." ANACREONTIC. Ah! wherefore did I daring gaze Upon the radiance of thy charms Or let me take ten thousand more. QUEEN ELIZABETH AND THE BEGGAR. As Queen Elizabeth was riding on horseba she was met by a beggar, who asked alms of The Queen remarking to her chamberlain, t the man followed her wherever she went, que this line out of Ovid: THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. HELL AND PURGATORY. A Venetian nobleman was one day rallied by priest, upon his refusing to give something to the urch, which the priest demanded for the deliverce of him from purgatory; when the priest king him, if he knew what an innumerable numof devils there were to take him? he answer"Yes, he knew how many devils there were in "Indeed, how many?" says the priest, his iosity being raised by the novelty of the anWhy, ten millions, five hundred and ven thousand, six hundred and seventy-five "A mis and a half," says the nobleman. ?" says the priest, pray what kind of a il is that?" Yourself," says the noble,"for you are balf a devil already, and be a whole one when you come there; for are for deluding all you deal with, and bring Soul and body into your hands, that you may paid for letting us go again." WHERE'S THE POKER poker lost, poor Susan storm' all the rites of rage perform'd, Kolding, crying, swearing, sweating, ing, fidgetting, and fretting; ing but villany and thieving! heavens! what a world we live in! Han't find it in the morning, inrely give my master warning. better far shut up his doors, keep such good-for-nothing wwheresoe'er their trade they drive, virtuous bodies cannot thrive." may poor Susan grunt and groan, Kartunes never come alone, Itread each other's heels in throngs, the next day she lost the tongs; mit-box, cullender, and grate shar'd the same untimely fate, un she vails and wages spent few ones—for the new ones went. There'd been, she swore, some devil or witch in, Be warn'd, ye fair, by Susan's crosses, THE LESS OF TWO EVILS: The doctrine of purgatory was once disputed between the Bishop of Waterford and Father O'Leary; it is not likely the former was convinced by the arguments of the latter, who, however, closed it very neatly by telling the bishop"Your lordship may go farther, and fare worse." HOW TO SAVE ONE THOUSAND POUNDS. It was observed that a certain covetous rich man never invited any one to dine with him. "I'll lay a wager," said a wag, "I get an invitation from him." The wager being accepted, he went the next day to the rich man's house, about the time that he was known to sit down to dinner, and told the servant that he must speak with his master immediately; for that he could save him a thousand pounds. "Sir," said the servant to his master, "here's a man in a great hurry to speak with you, who says he can save you a thousand pounds." Out comes the master," What's that you say, sir? That you can save me a thousand pounds?"-"Yes, sir, I can; but I see you are at dinner. I'll go and dine myself, and call again.”—“ Oh, pray, sir, come in, and take a dinner with me."-" Sir, I shall be troublesome." "Not at all." The invitation was accepted; and, dinner being over, and the family retired"Well, sir, said the man of the house, now to our And still as fast as he drew near, Down ran the wine into the road, Which made his horse's flanks to smoke But still he seem'd to carry weight, For all might see the bottle necks Of Edmonton so gay. And there he threw the wash about Just like unto a trundling mop, At Edmonton his loving wife Her tender husband, wond'ring much Stop, stop, John Gilpin! here's the house,'' They all at once did cry; "The dinner waits, and we are tir'd;" Said Gilpin-" So am I." But yet his horse was not a whit So like an arrow swift he flew, So did he fly-which brings me to Away went Gilpin, out of breath,, His horse at last stood still. The callender, amaz'd to see His neighbour in such trim, "What news? what news? your tidings In merry guise he spoke "I came because your horse would com And if I well forbode, My hat and wig will soon be here ; The calender, right glad to find When straight he came with hat and wig A hat not much the worse for wear, He held them up, and in his turn Aud stop and eat, for well you may Said John, “ It is my wedding-day ; |