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AUCTIONEER ELOQUENCE.

An elegant pleasure-yacht being sold by auction, the auctioneer said, that it comprehended all the advantages of the most finished country villa, besides many which were peculiar to itself. It had all the accommodations of a house, and was free from the inconveniences of a had neighbourhood, for its scite could be changed at pleasure; it had not only the richest, but also the most various prospects; and it was a villa free from house-duty and window-lights; it paid neither church-tythe nor poor-rate; it was free from government and parochial taxes, and it not only had a command of wood and water, but possessed the most extensive fishery of any house in England.

A PHILOSOPHIC COBBLER.

sistance, I thought it best to employ a philoso phic cobler on this occasion. Perceiving my bo siness, therefore, he desired me to enter and sit down, took my shoe in his lap, and began to mend it, with his usual indifference and taci turnity.

66 "How, my friend," said I to nim, can you continue to work, while all those fine things are passing by your door?"-" Very fine they are, master," returned the cobler," for those that like them, to be sure; but what are all those ce things to me? You don't know what it is to be a cobler, and so much the better for yourself. Your bread is baked; you may go and see sights the whole day, and eat a warm supper when you come home at night; but for me, if I should rus hunting after all these fine folk, what should get by my journey but an appetite? and, Go Though not very fond of seeing a pageant my-help me, I have too much of that at home al self, yet I am generally pleased with being in the ready, without stirring out for it. Your people crowd which sees it: it is amusing to observe the who may eat four meals a-day, and a supper a effect, which such a spectacle has upon the va- night, are but a bad example to such a one as riety of faces; the pleasure it excites in some, No, master, as God has called me into th the envy in others, and the wishes it raises in all. world, in order to mend old shoes, I have no b With this design, I lately went to see the entry of siness with fine folk, and they no business wi a foreign ambassador, resolved to make one in me." I here interrupted him with a smil the mob, to shout as they shouted, to fix with" See this last, master," continues he, " earnestness upon the same frivolous objects, and participate for a while the pleasures and the wishes of the vulgar.

this hammer; this last and hammer are the t best friends I have in this world, nobody will be my friend, because I want a friend. In this plight, as I was considering the eager- great folks you saw pass by just now have ness that appeared in every face, how some hundred friends, because they have no occas bustled to get foremost, and others contented for them; now, while I stick to my good frie themselves with taking a transient peep when here, I am very contented; but, when I ever they could; how some praised the four black little run after sights and fine things, I begin servants that were stuck behind one of the equi-hate my work, I grow sad, and have no hear pages, and some the ribbons that decorated the mend shoes any longer."

horses' necks in another; my attention was called This discourse only served to raise my curio off to an object more extraordinary than any Ito know more of a man whom nature had had yet seen: a poor cobler sat in his stall by formed into a philosopher. I therefore in the way-side, and continued to work while the sibly led him into a history of his advent crowd passed by, without testifying the smallest" I have lived," said he, "a wandering share of curiosity. I own his want of attention now five-and-fifty years, here to-day and excited mine; and, as I stood in need of his as-to-morrow; for it was my misfortune, wh

ASSISTANCE.

was young, to be fond of changing."-" You heart. I searched the whole stall, after she was have been a traveller then, I presume?" inter- dead, for money; but she had hidden it so effecrupted I. "I can't boast much of travelling," tually, that, with all my pains, I could never find contioned be, "for I have never left the parish a farthing." in which I was born but three times in my life, that I can remember; but then there is not a street in the whole neighbourhood that I have not lived in at some time or another. When I began to settle and take to my business in one street, some unforeseen misfortune, or a desire of trying my luck elsewhere, has removed me, perhaps a whole mile, away from my former cusLomers, while some more lucky cobler would come into my place, and make a handsome fortune among friends of my making; there was one who actually died, in the stall that I had left, worth seven pounds seven shillings, all in hard gold, which he had quilted into the waistband of " his breeches."

I could not but smile at these migrations of a a by the fire-side, and continued to ask, If he had ever been married?" Ay, that I have, mas ter," replied he, "for sixteen long years; and a eary life I had of it, heaven knows. My wife hook it into her head, that the only way to thrive the world was to save money: so, though our oings were but three shillings a-week, all at the ever could lay her hands upon she used hide away from me, though we were obliged to Barve the whole week after for it.

The first three years we used to quarrel at this every day, and I always got the betbut she had a hard spirit, and still contito hide as usual; so that I was at last tired quarrelling and getting the better, and she yed and scraped at pleasure, till I was almost ed to death." Her conduct drove me at last despair to the alehouse; here I used to sit, people who hated home like myself, drank

I had money left, and run in score when body would trust me; till at last the landcoming one day with a long bill, when I from home, and putting it into my wife's

the length of it effectually broke her

Curio, whose hat a nimble knave had snatch'd,
Fat, clumsy, gouty, asthmatic, and old,
Panting against a post, his noddle scratch'd,
And his sad story to a stranger told.
Follow the thief,” replied the stander by ;
"Ah, Sir!" said he, "these feet will wag no
more."

Alarm the neighbourhood with hue and cry.”
"Alas! I've roar'd as long as lungs could
roar."

Then," quoth the stranger, "vain is all endea

vour,

Sans voice to call, sans vigour to pursue:
And since your hat, of course, is gone for ever,
I'll e'en make bold to take your wig-adieu!"

RIVAL DOCTORS.

When Drs. Cheyne and Winter were the two principal physicians at Bath, they adopted very opposite modes of practice; but the former gave some credence to his prescription of milk diet, by making it the principal article of his own sustenance. On this occasion Winter sent to him the following stanzas:

Tell me from whom, fat-headed Scot,
Thou didst thy system learn;
From Hippocrates thou hast it not,
Nor Celsus, nor Pitcairne.

Suppose we own that milk is good,
And say the same of grass;

The one for babes and calves is food,
The other for an ass.

Doctor, one new prescription try,

A friend's advice forgive:
Eat grass, reduce thyself, and die,
Thy patients then may live,

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Quin being asked if he had ever been in ScotJand, and how he liked the people, replied: "If you mean the lower order of them, I shall be at a loss to answer you; for I had no farther acquaintance with them than by the smell. As for the nobility they are numerous; and, for the most part, proud and beggarly. I remember, when I crossed from the north of Ireland into their country, I came to a little wretched village, consisting of a dozen huts, in the style of the Hottentots; the principal of which was an inn, and kept by an earl. I was mounted on a shrivelled quadruped, for there was no certainty of calling it horse, mare, or gelding; much like a North Wales goat, but larger, and without horns. The whole village was up in an instant to salute me; supposing, from the elegance of my appearance, that I must be some person of a large fortune and great family. The earl ran, and took hold of my stirrup while I dismounted; then turning to his eldest son, who stood by us without breeches, said, my lord, do you take the gentleman's horse to the stable, and desire your sister, Lady Betty, to draw him a pint of two-penny; for I suppose so great a mon will ha' the best liquor in the whol hous.""I was obliged," continued Quin, "to stay here a whole night, and to make a supper of

rotten potatoes and stinking eggs. The old nobleman was indeed very complaisant, and made me accept of his own bed. I cannot say that the dormitory was the best in the world; for there was nothing but an old box to sit upon in the room, and there were neither sheets nor curtains to the bed. Lady Betty was kind enough to apologize for the apart ment, assuring me, many persons of great degnaty had frequently slept in it; and that though the blonkets luked sae block, it was not quite four years sin they had been washed by the countess her mother, and Lady Matilda Carolina Amelia Eleonora Sophia, one of her younger sisters. She then wished me a good night, and said, the vis count, her brother, would take particular care to grease my boots."

ANACREONTIC.

Ah! wherefore did I daring gaze
Upon the radiance of thy charms
And, vent ring nearer to thy rays,

How dar'd I clasp thee in my arms?
That kiss will give my heart a pain,
Which thy sweet pity will deplore.
Then, Cynthia, take the kiss again,

Or let me take ten thousand more. QUEEN ELIZABETH AND THE BEGGAR. As Queen Elizabeth was riding on horsebac she was met by a beggar, who asked alms of h The Queen remarking to her chamberlain, t the man followed her wherever she went, quo this line out of Ovid:

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66

HELL AND PURGATORY.

A Venetian nobleman was one day rallied by priest, upon his refusing to give something to the burch, which the priest demanded for the delivernce of him from purgatory; when the priest sking him, if he knew what an innumerable numer of devils there were to take him? he answer4,"Yes, he knew how many devils there were in ,"-"Indeed, how many ?" says the priest, his uriosity being raised by the novelty of the anwer. Why, ten millions, five hundred and even thousand, six hundred and seventy-five vis and a half," says the nobleman. "A if" says the priest, pray what kind of a vil is that?""Yourself," says the noblean, "for you are balf a devil already, and ll be a whole one when you come there; for Ju are for deluding all you deal with, and bring soul and body into your hands, that you may paid for letting us go again."

66

WHERE'S THE POKER poker lost, poor Susan storm' id all the rites of rage perform'd, scolding, crying, swearing, sweating, ming, fidgetting, and fretting; athing but villany and thieving!

ed heavens! what a world we live in! don't find it in the morning, furely give my master warning. better far shut up his doors,

keep such good-for-nothing w-5, wheresoe'er their trade they drive, Virtuous bodies cannot thrive."

ay poor Susan grunt and groan, tunes never come alone, read each other's heels in throngs, e next day she lost the tongs; alt-box, cullender, and grate shar'd the same untimely fate, in she rails and wages spent ew one-for the new ones went.

There'd been, she swore, some devil or witch in,
To rob and plunder all the kitchen,
One night she to her chamber crept,
Where for a moment she'd not slept,
Curse on the author of these wrongs,
In her own bed she found the tongs!
Hang Thomas for an idle joker!
And there, good lack! she found the poker
With salt-box, pepper-box, and kettle,
And all the culinary metal.

Be warn'd, ye fair, by Susan's crosses,
Keep chaste, and guard yourselves from losses,
For if young girls delight in kissing,
No wonder that the poker's missing.

THE LESS OF TWO EVILS:

The doctrine of purgatory was once disputed between the Bishop of Waterford and Father O'Leary; it is not likely the former was convinced by the arguments of the latter, who, however, closed it very neatly by telling the bishop"Your lordship may go farther, and fare worse."

HOW TO SAVE ONE THOUSAND POUNDS.

66

It was observed that a certain covetous rich man never invited any one to dine with him, "I'll lay a wager," said a wag, "I get an invitation from him." The wager being accepted, he went the next day to the rich man's house, about the time that he was known to sit down to dinner, and told the servant that he must speak with his master immediately; for that he could save him a thousand pounds. Sir," said the servant to his master, "here's a man in a great hurry to speak with you, who says he can save you a thousand pounds." Out comes the master," What's that you say, sir? That you can save me a thousand pounds?"-" Yes, sir, I can; but I see you are at dinner. I'll go and dine myself, and call again."."-"Oh, pray, sir, come in, and take a dinner with me."-" Sir, I shall be troublesome.”

Not at all." The invitation was accepted; and, dinner being over, and the family retired Well, sir, said the man of the house, now to our

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And still as fast as he drew near,
'Twas wonderful to view,
How in a trice the turnpike-men-
Their gates wide open threw.
And now as he went bowing down
His reeking head full low,
The bottles twain behind his back,
Were shatter'd at a blow.

Down ran the wine into the road,
Most piteous to be seen,
Which made his horse's flanks to smoke
As they had basted been.

But still he seem'd to carry weight,

With leather girdle brac'd
For all might see the bottle necks
Still dangling at his waist.
Thus all through merry Islington
These gambols he did play,
And till he came unto the Wash

Of Edmonton so gay.

And there he threw the wash about
On both sides of the way,

Just like unto a trundling mop,
Or a wild goose at play.

At Edmonton his loving wife
From balcony espied

Her tender husband, wond'ring much
To see how he did ride.

Stop, stop, John Gilpin ! here's the house,''

They all at once did cry;

"The dinner waits, and we are tir'd;"

Said Gilpin-" So am I."

But yet his horse was not a whit
Inclin'd to tarry there;
For why-his owner had a house
Full ten miles off, at Ware.

So like an arrow swift he flew,
Shot by an archer strong;

So did he fly-which brings me to
The middle of my song.

Away went Gilpin, out of breath,,
And sore against his will, -
'Till at his friend the Callender's
His horse at last stood still.

The callender, amaz'd to see

His neighbour in such trim, Laid down his pipe, flew to the gate, And thus accosted him"What news? what news? your tidings Tell me, you must and shallSay why bare-headed you are come, Or why you're come at all?" Now Gilpin had a pleasant wit, And lov'd a timely joke; And thus unto the callender,

In merry guise he spoke

"I came because your horse would com And if I well forbode,

My hat and wig will soon be here ;
They are upon the road.

The calender, right glad to find
His friend in merry pin,
Return'd him not a single word,
But to the house went in;

When straight he came with hat and wi
A wig that flow'd behind,

A hat not much the worse for wear,
Each comely in its kind.

He held them up, and in his turn
Thus show'd his ready wit;
"My head is twice as big as yours,
They therefore needs must fit.
"But let me scrape the dirt away
That hangs upon your face;

Aud stop and eat, for well you may
Be in a hungry case,"

Said John, "It is my wedding-day s
And all the world would stare,
If wife should dine at Edmonton,
And I should dine at Ware."

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