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While prudent Sarah, sure to please,
A LADY'S VALUABLES. Like a clean maiden, scrap'd the cheese.
When the Duchess of Kingston wished to be reThis done, young Pimlico replied,
ceived at the court of Berlia, she got the Russian “ Sally I now declare my bride:
minister there to mention her intentions to bis With Nan I can't my welfare put,
Prussian majesty; and to tell him, at the same For slie has prov'd a dirty slut :
time, that her fortune was at Rome, her bank at And Betsy, who has par'd the rind,
Venice, but that her heart was at Berlin. Imme. Would give my fortune to the wind.
diately on hearing this, the king sarcastical!y re. Sally the happy medium chose, And I with Sally will repose ;
plied, “I beg, sir, you will give my compli.
ments to her grace, and inform her that I am very She's prudent, cleanly : and the man Who fixes on a nuptial plan,
sorry we are only entrusted with the very toorst
part of her property."
EPITAPH ON A TRAVELLER,
The evil that men do lives after them.
The good is oft interred with their bores. In a country parish, the wife of the lord of the
SUAKSPEARE manor came to church, after herlying-in, to return
Here resteth the body of thanks. The parson, aiming to be complaisant,
Band thinking plain “ woman” too familiar, instead of saying, “O Lord, save this woman !”
late of Manchester,
who died on a journey thro'rgh Scotland, said, " O Lord, save this lady!” The clerk, re
May 3, 1798, aged 30. solving not to be behind-hand with bim in polite
This stone was placed here ness, answered, “Who putteth her ladyship's trust
by an Acquaintance, in thee."
who, after examining the Dtbils and Credits GRAMMATICAL ANCESTORS.
of his cash account, Mr. Pitt was once disputing for the energy and found a small balance in his favour. beauty of the Latin language. In support of the His sickness was short, and being a stranger, superiority which he aftirined it to have over the he was not troubled in his last moments English, he asserted, that two negatives made a with the sight of weeping friends, thing more positive than one affirmative pos-ibiy
but died at an hospitable inn, could. " Then,” said Thurlow, “ your father with the consent of all around bim. and mother must have been two complete negatives
He left no mourner here, to make such a positive fellow as you are.'
Save a favourite mare, which,
(if the account of an ostler may be credited)
neither ate nor drank during his indisposition, An orator having written a speech, which he
READER! intended to deliver at a public meeting, gave it little will be said to perpetuate his memory : to a friend to read, and desired his opinion of it.
the fact is-he died poor : The friend, after some time, told the author he had the whole he left behind would not buy paper read it over three times: the first time it appeared suficient to paint half bis virtues. very good, the second indifferent, and the third His chief mourner was sold by public roup, quite insipid. “That will do," said the orator,
To pay the expenses of an very coolly," for I have only to repeat it once.” over-grown landlord and balf-starved apothecary.
His bags at once contained
Five days are not yet passed, since he drank with bis wardrobe, patterns, and library,
glee the well-koown bumper toast; consisting of
he little thought it was two neck cloths and a clean shirt:
his farewell tribute to every earthly pleasure ! with samples of
But his last journcy being over, there is now fringes, lace, lines and tassels,
no riding double stages to make up lost time; whips, webs, and whalebone;
Nor boring Harry also the following curious collection of books;
to make up his cash account ! A volume of manuscript poetry,
who knows but Harry may now be boxing him ? (the offspring of his owo muse)
The final balance
of the good and evil actions of his life is now struck! Ovid's Art of Love-The Whole Duty of Man,
and here he rests in hope, and
that it may be found to his credit Plato on the Immortality of the Soul.
on the judgment day, In a snug pocket lay
in the grand ledger of everlasting happiness.
An Italian noble being at church one day, and For though his family face was an index of an finding a priest who begged for the souls in purgahartered and unforgiving temper,
tory, gave him a piece of gold. “Ah! my lord," Hwas at last approved by the object of his affection, said the good father, "you have now delivered a and, if death had spared him,
soul.” The count threw upon the plate another though nature had been unkind
piece; “ Here is another soul delivered," said the he might have lived to have improved an ill-fa- priest. “Are you positive of it.” replied the voured stock.
count. Yes, my lord,” replied the priest, I The affability of bis manners,
am certain they are now in heaven."-" Then," and the susceptibility of his heart,
said the count, " I'll take back my money, for it gave appearances the lie;
signifies nothing to you now, seeing the souls are His attachment to the fair sex was notorious already got to heaven, there can be no danger of to whom he was so tenderly attentive, their returning to purgatory.”
that the story of a rude embrace would have caused the tear of Sensibility'
POETICAL LICENCE. to trickle from his eye.* He was ever happy when doing good; When Charles, at once a monarch and a wit, and his liberality bountifully extended Some smooth, soft fattery read, by Waller writ;
to the unfortunate part of the sex, Waller, who erst to sing was not asham'd, whom he always relieved to the utmost of his power; That heav'n in storms great Cromwell's soul bad he was, justly speaking, a friend to all,
claim'd, an enemy to none but himself.
Turn’d to the bard, and, with a smile, caid he,
" Your strains for Nollexcel your strains for me." stop ! and reflect a moment on the uncertainty of The bard, bis cheeks with conscious blushes red, this life !
Thus to the king return'd, and bow'd his head;
“ Poets, so heav'n aod all the nine decreed, • He had only one,
In fiction better than in truth succeed."
THE SNORING MEMBER.
THE DIVERTING HISTORY OF JOHN GILPIS,
SHEWING HOW HE WENT FARTHER During a debate in the House of Commons, about four in the morning, a member was called to
THAN HE INTENDED, AND CAME order for snoring, while a very eminent orator was
HOME SAFE AGAIN. addressing the house. When a division took place,
John Gilpin was a citizen the speaker, as usual, put the question.-" Those
Of credit and renowl, who are for the amendment say aye, and those who
A traio-band captain eke was he are of the contrary opinion say no. A gentleman
Of famous London town. who was near the snoring member, exclaimed from the gallery, " the nose had it.”
John Gilpin's spouse said to her dear,
Though wedded we have been
These twice ten tedious years, yet we A physician seeing Charles Bannister about to No holiday have seen drink a glass of brandy, said, "Don't drink that To-morrow is our wedding-day, filthy stuff'; brandy is the worst enemy you have ?" And we will then repair -"I koow that,” replied Charles, “but you Unto the Bell at Edmonton, know we are commanded by Scripture to love our All in a chaise and pair. enemies.”
My sister and my sister's child,
Myself and children three,
Will fill the chaise, so you must ride Carolan, the Irish bard, being refused entrance
On horseback after we. to a nobleman's house by the porter, whose name was O'Flinn, wrote with chalk on the door
He soon replied, I do admire “What pity hell's gates are not kept by O'Flinn,
Of womankind but one ; Such a surly old dog would let nobody in.”
And you are she, my dearest dear,
Therefure it shall be done.
I am a lioen-draper bold,
Willend his borse to go.
Quoth Mrs. Gilpin, that's well said ; am (with my wife) going to the theatre, Covento
And, for that wine is dear, garden. I take this step, in order to prevent any We will be furnish'd with our own, ill-founded walicious constructions. Trusting I
Which is both bright and clear. am within the pale of safety, and that my conduct will ever insure me the protection of the magistracy,
John Giipin kiss'd his loving wife, I remain, Gentlemen, with all due respect and at O'erjoy'd was he to find tention, your most obedient very humble servant,
That though on pleasure she was bent, John MackcOULL,
She had a frugal miod. Donaldson, the officer, therefore treated the The morning came, the chaise was broughal, apologist with proper attention, and Mackcoull But yet was not allow'd retired with his wife, without attempting to milla To drive up to the door, lest all wipe, queer' a stilt, or draw a tatler.
Should say that she was proud.
So three doors off the chaise was staid,
Now see him mounted once again Where they did all get in,
Upon his nimble steed Six precious souls, and all agog
Full slowly pacing o'er the stones To dash through thick and thin,
With caution and good heed. Smack went the wbip, round went the wheels, But finding soon a smoother road, Were never folks so glad ;
Beneath his well-shod feet, The stones did rattle underneath
The snorting beast began to snort, As if Cheapside were mad.
Which gall'd him in his seat. John Gilpin at his horse's side
“ So-fair and softly !" Joho he cried, Seiz'd fast the flowing mane
But Joho he cried in vain; And op he got in haste to ride,
That trot became a gallop soon, But soon came down again
In spite of curb or sein. For saddle-tree scarce reach'd had he,
So stooping down, as needs he must His journey to begin,
Who cannot sit upright, When irroing round his head, he saw
He grasp'd the mane with both his hands, Three customers come in.
Aud eke with all his might. So dowo he came, for loss of time,
His horse, who never in that sort Although it griev'd bim sore,
Had handled been before, Yet loss of pence, full well he knew,
What thing upon his back had got Would trouble bim much more.
Did wonder more and more. 'Twas long before the customers
Away went Gilpin neck or nought, Were suited to their mind;
Away went hat and wig ; When Betty, screaming, came down stairs,
He little dream*d when he set out “ The wine is left behind !”
Of ruoning such a rig. "Good lack !" quoth he-"yet bring it me, The wind did blow, the cloak did fly, My leathero belt likewise,
Like streamer long and gay, Io which I hear my trusty sword
'Till loop and button failing both, When I do exercise."
At last it flew away. Now Mistress Gilpin, careful soul!
Then might all people well discern Had two stone-buttles found,
The battles he had slung ; To hold the liquor that she lov'd,
A bottle swinging at each side, And keep it safe and sound.
As bath been said or sung. Earb bottle had a carling ear,
The dogs did bark, the children scream'd! Through which the belt he drew,
Up flew the windows all; And bung a bottle on each side,
And every soul cried out, Well done! To keep his balance true.
As loud as he could bawl. Then over all, that he might be
Away went Gilpin-who but he ?
His fame soon spread around
'Tis for a thousand pound,