BALAAM'S ASS.

Bishop Atterbury happened to say, upon a cera bill ia discussion in the House of Lords, that →he had prophesied last winter, this bill would e attempted in the present session, and he was orry to find that he bad proved a true prophet.' ord Coningsby, who spoke after the bishop, deired the house to remark, "that one of the Right Reverends had set himself forth as a prophet; t, for his part, he did not know what prophet liken him to, unless to that furious prophet, alaam, who was reproved by his own ass." The bishop, in reply, exposed this rude attack, ncluding thus, "Since the noble lord hath disovered in our manners such a similitude, I am well content to be compared to the prophet Baam; but, my lords, I am at a loss to make out e other part of the parallel; I am sure that I ave been reproved by nobody but his lordship."

GOOD EFFECT.

Vick's wife was sick, and past the doctors' skill,
ho differ'd how to cure th' invet'rate ill.
Parging the one prescrib'd; no, quoth the other,
hat will do neither good nor harm, dear brother
Bleeding's the only thing-'twas quick replied,
Lust's certain death. But since we differ wide,
Tis fit the husband choose by whom t'abide.
I'se no great skill," cried Richard," by the
rood!

But I'se think bleeding's like to do most good."

MAIDEN SPEECH.

of them. I could bring many instances, and those very ancient; but, my lords, I shall go no further back than the latter end of Queen Elizabeth's reign, at which time the Earl of Essex was run down by Sir Walter Raleigh; Lord Bacon ran down Sir Walter Raleigh, and your lordships know what became of Lord Bacon the Duke of Buckingham ran down Lord Bacon, and your lordships know what became of the Duke of Buckingham; Sir Harry Vane ran down the Earl of Strafford, and your lordships know what became of Sir Harry Vane; Chancellor Hyde ran down Sir Harry Vane, and your lordships know what became of the Chancellor; Sir Thomas Osborne ran down Chancellor Hyde, and what will become of the Earl of Danby, your lordships can best tell; but let me see the man that dares run down the Earl of Danby, and we shall soon see what will become of him."

A CANINE M. P.

Lord North, once speaking in the house, was suddenly interrupted in the midst of the most important part of it, by a dog, who, having taken shelter and concealed himself under the table of the house, made his escape and ran directly across the floor, setting up, at the same time, a violent howl. It occasioned a burst of laughter, and might have disconcerted an ordinary man. Lord North, however, having waited till the roar which it produced had subsided, and preserving all his gravity, addressed the chair," Sir," said he to the speaker," I have been interrupted by a new member, but, as he has concluded his argument, I will now resume mine."

LORD ELDON'S FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.

Earl Caernarvon, in the reign of Charles the Second, made a maiden speech in the House of Lords. The occasion was this:--The Duke of Buckingham had ridiculed his silence; when, Horne Tooke was once heard to declare, that, being flushed with wine, he spoke as follows upon were ne to he tried again, he would plead guilty the prosecution of the Lord Treasurer Danby. rather than endure hearing the then solicitor-ge"My lords, I understand but little of Latin, but neral's (since the Lord Chancellor Eldon) long a good deal of English, and not a little of the Eng-speeches, one of which lasted eleven hours! Such lih history; from which I have learned the mis- an effect had this oratorical prolixity upon the taiefs of such prosecutious as these, and the ill fate | nice cars of the author of the Diversions of Purley.

IRISH SORROW.

A captain of grenadiers having some time ago died in the West-Indies, his remains were followed to the grave by an Irish servant, and buried with military honours. Upon the discharge of the last round, poor Pat, who had hitherto observed an awful and melancholy silence, loudly exclaimed," Ah? Master, Jewel, that's the last shot your honour will ever hear!"

PITT'S MINISTRY.

On the assertion of Mr. Hawkins Browne, that Mr. Pitt found England of wood and left it of marble.

From wood to marble, Hawkins cried,
Great Pitt transform'd us, ere he died!
Indeed! exclaimed a country gaper;
Sure he must mean to marble paper.
IDIOTISM.

A country clergyman, by his dull monotonous discourse, set all the congregation asleep, except an idiot, who sat with open mouth listening. The parson, enraged, and thumping the pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this poor idiot." -"Aye," quoth the natural, “and if I had not been a poor idiot, I would have been asleep too."

NAUTICAL REASONING.

EQUIVOCATION. A TALE.

An abbot rich (whose taste was good
Alike in science aud in food)
His bishop had resolv'd to treat;
The bishop came, the bishop eat;
'Twas silence, 'till their stomachs fail'd ;
And now at heretics they rail'd;
What heresy (the prelate said)
Is in that church where priests may wed!
Do not we take the church for life?
But those divorce her for a wife,
Like laymen keep her in their houses,
And own the children of their spouses.
Vile practices! the abbot cry'd,
For pious use we're set aside!
Shall we take wives? marriage at best
Is but carnality profest.

Now as the bishop took his glass,
He spy'd our Abbot's buxom lass
Who cross'd the room, he mark'd her e.e
That glow'd with love; his pulse beat hi
Fye, father, fye, (the prelate cries)
A maid so young! for shame, be wise.
These indiscretions lend a handle
To lewd lay tongues, to give us scandia!
For your vows sake, this rule I give t's
Let all your maids be turn'd of fifty.

The priest replied, I have not swerv
But your chaste precept well observ`d
That lass full twenty-five has told
I've yet another who's as old;
Into one sum their ages cast;
So both my maids have fifty past.

The prelate smil'd, but durst not blai
For why? his lordship did the same.

A sailor, being about to sail for India, a citizen asked him where his father died? In shipwreck," was the answer. "And where did your grandfather die?"-" As he was fishing, a storm and the bark foundering, all on board arose, perished."-" And your great grandfather ?”"He also perished on board a ship which struck on a rock."-" Then," said the citizen, “if 1 were you I would never go to sea."-" And pray, Mr. Philosopher," inquired the seaman, "where did your father die?"-" In his bed."And your grandfather?” In his bed.”- Sir Walter Raleigh says, that the differen “And your great-grandfather ?”—“ He, and all|tween a rich man and a poor man is th my ancestors died quietly in their beds."" Then, former eats when he pleases, and the lattes if I were vou, I would never go to bed."

Let those who reprimand their breth First mend the faults they find in other

can get it.

RICH AND POOR.

THE EDINBURGH STEAM-BOAT.

If smack to London thou wouldst wish to go,
Then, gentle reader, go not in a smack,
Because accommodation's but so-so,

And if the winds not fair, she can but tack;
And if (as sometimes does) it comes a blow,
Long sickness makes thee wish that thou wert
back;

So, taking all things into view, I deem
Tay best and wisest plan's to go by steam.
Four guineas and a half the cabin fare;

And when thy parting friends sigh out farewell,
The wish is granted. Seated on thy chair,

When sounds the breakfast or the dinner bell. With roasted, boiled, and baked, I know not where

Thou could'st fare better, save in a hotel;
But men of moderate incomes it don't suit
To pay maids, waiters, and somewhat to boot.
Hier mighty engine-wheels with splash and splutter,
And power of hundred horses, churn the ocean;
(Tis pity that such churning makes no butter,)
On, on, she sweeps with vibratory motion,
Much faster than a pleasure-boat or cutter;
And yet, for all her speed, I have a notion
She would not walk the waters, in high gales,
well as vessels fitted with good sails.
Hark to the summons, dinner's on the table!
Hark to the clattering of the knives aud forks,
The rising uproar of the ocean Babel;

The only silent one is he that works,
Shutting his mouth as quick as he is able;
While ever and anon, the starting corks,
Fir'd in your face by furious ginger-beer,
Casse sudden starts of momentary fear!
Eat hapless he, the wight, whose lot is cast,
Before a mighty round of corned beef,
Ile, luckless wretch, must help himself the last
His time of eating too be very brief,
And half the dishes from the board be past
Ere general taste yet sated, gives relief;
Warned by his fate, choose thou position where
Potatoes only claim thy humble care.

Another scene succeeds: a sudden qualm
Comes o'er each bosom, with the rising squall;
Sea-sickness comes, for which there is no balm,
Not even Balm of Gilead, curing all
Our other ills-alike in storm and calm,

It baffles human aid, and you may call
For aught that medicine has art and part in,
You'll find 'tis all my eye and Betty Martin
Then beauty's head declines; her pensive eye

Looks sadly o'er the dark and heaving billow,
And through her tresses, as the rude wind sigh,

She leans above the wave-like drooping willow, "And dull were he that heedless pass'd her by," Nor handed her a chair, and brought a pillow!

'Tis strange, a meal prevented from digesting, Should make a woman look so interesting.

She seems so helpless, and so innocent,

Still as a lake beneath the summer even;
A bright and beautiful embodyment,

Of calm and peace, and all we dream of heaven;
A sight to shake an anchorite or saint,

'Gainst beauty's smiles successful who has striv'n? A pretty woman, like a sight of wonder, Makes men turn up their eyes like ducks in thunder.

The bark is at Blackwall, and so adieu!

Oh! wonder-working steam, what thou mayst do,
My song and subject cease together there.
Where is the prophet spirit to declare?
By thee we make broad cloth-hatch chickens too,
We roam the seas-we yet may traverse air
Nay, do not laugh, if I should fondly dream,
We yet may manufacture verse by steam.

THE IRISH FOOTMAN'S HINT.

An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to a friend, waited a considerable time for the customary fee, but not finding it likely to appear, scratched his head, and said-Sir, if my master should say, "Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?" what would your honour have me to tell him?

G

TRAVELLING EXPENCES.

ENEAS AND. WILLIAM THE THIRD. Jacob Tonson, Dryden's bookseller, was a whig, while the poet was a Jacobite. When A foolish young fellow boasting in company of Dryden had nearly completed his translation of his travelling abroad, was asked by one present Virgil, it was the bookseller's wish, and seve- how he made his way. "By my wits," replied ral of Dryden's friends, that the book should be the other. "Indeed!" says he," then you must dedicated to King William: this, however, the have travelled very cheaply." poet strenuously refused. The bookseller, however, who had as much veneration for William as Dryden had for James, finding he could not have the dedication he wished, contrived, on retouching the plates, to have Eneas delineated with a hooked nose, that he might resemble his favourite prince. This ingenious device of Tonson's occasioned the following epigram to be inserted in the next edition of Dryden's Virgil:

Old Jacob, by deep judgment swav'd,
To please the wise beholders,
Has plac'd old Nassau's hook-nos'd head
On poor Æneas' shoulders.

To make the parallel hold tack,

Methinks there's little lacking, One took his father pick-a-back, And t'other sent him packing.

DANCING-CARD EXTRAORDINARY.

As dancing is the poetry of motion-those who wish to sail through the mazes of harmony-or to "trip it on the light fantastic toe," will find an able guide in John Wilde, who was formed by nature for a dancing-master.-N. B. Those who have been taught to dance with a couple of left legs, had better apply in time, as he effectually cures all bad habits of the kind.

ON MR. DAY, WHO RAN AWAY FROM HIS
LANDLORD.

Here DAY and Night conspir'd a sudden flight,
For DAY, they say, has run away by night.
DAY's past and gone. Why, landlord, where's

your rent?

Did you not see that DAY was almost spent?
DAY pawn'd and sold, and put off what he might
Tho' it be ne'er so dark, DAY will be light.
You had one DAY a tenant; and would fain
Your eyes could see that DAY but once again,
No, landlord, no; now you may truly say,
(And to your cost too) you have lost the DAY.
DAY is departed in a mist, I ear;

For DAY is broke, and yet does not appear. From time to time he promis'd still to pay: You should have rose before the break of DAY. But if you had, you'd have got nothing by`t, For DAY was cunning, and broke over-night. DAY, like a candle, is gone out, but where None knows, unless to t'other hemisphere. Then to the tavern let us haste awayCome, chear up-hang't-'tis but a broken Da And he that trusted DAY for any sum Will have his money, if that DAY will come. But how now, landlord! what's the matter, pr What! you can't sleep, you long so much for D Have you a mind, sir, to arrest a DAY? An officer and a lawyer talking of a disastrous There's no such bailiff, now, as Joshua. battle, the former was lamenting the number of Cheer up then, man! what tho' you've lost a s brave soldiers who fell on the occasion, when the Do you not know that pay-DAY yet will com lawyer observed, "That those who live by the I will engage, do you but leave your sorrow, sword must expect to die by the sword."-" By My life for your's, DAY comes again to-morro a similar rule," auswered the officer, "those who And for your rent- never torment your soul, live by the law must expect to die by the law." You'll quickly see DAY peeping through a hel

A STANDARD RULE.