PRIDE OF ANCESTRY. died a maid in the fourthscore year of her age. She was the chronicle of our family, and passed An empty man of a great family is a creature away the greatest part of the last forty years of that is scarcely conversable. You read his ances- her life in recounting the antiquity, marriages, try in bis smile, in his air, in his eyebrow. He exploits, and alliances of the Ironsides. Mrs. bas indeed nothing but his nobility to give em- Martha conversed generally with a knot of old ployment to his thoughts. Rank and precedency virgins, who were likewise of good families, and are the important points which he is always dis-had been very cruel all the beginning of the last cussing within himself. A gentleman of this turn century. They were every one of them as proud began a speech in one of King Charles's parlia-as Lucifer, but said their prayers twice a day, and ments: Sir, I had the honour to be born at a in all other respects were the best women in the bme. Upon which a rough honest gentleman world. If they saw a fine petticoat at church, took him up short.-I would fain know what they immediately took to pieces the pedigree of that gentleman means. Is there any one in this her that wore it, and would lift up their eyes to house that has not had the honour to be born as heaven at the confidence of the saucy minx, when well as himself?-The good sense which reigns in they fouud she was an honest tradesman's daughmur nation has pretty well destroyed this starched ter. It is impossible to describe the pious indig behaviour among men who have seen the world, nation that would rise in them at the sight of a *d know that every gentleman will be treated man who lived plentifully on an estate of his own *pon a footing of equality. But there are many getting. They were transported with zeal bewho have had their education among women, de-yond measure, if they heard of a young woman's pendents or flatterers, that lose all the respect matching into a great family upon account only which would otherwise be paid by them, by being of her beauty, her merit, or her money. In short, baxo assiduous in procuring it. My Lord Froth has been so educated in punco, that he governs himself by a ceremonial in the ordinary occurrences of life. He measures his bow to the degree of the person he conTes with. I have seen him in every inclination the body, from a familiar nod to the low stoop the salutation sign. I remember, five of us, were acquainted with one another, met tother one morning at his lodgings, when a wag Be company was saying, it would be worth le to observe how he would distinguish us at his entrance. Accordingly he no sooner came the room, but casting his eye about, My lord ba one, says he, your most humble servant. Richard, your humble servant. Your servant, Ironside, Mr. Ducker, how do you do? Frank, are you there? hed same years ago an aunt of my own, by Mr. Martha Ironside, who would never ry beneath herself and is supposed to have there was not a female within ten miles of them that was in possession of a gold watch, a pearl necklace, or a piece of Mechlin lace, but they examined her title to it. My aunt Martha used to chide me very frequently for not sufficiently valuing myself. She would not eat a bit all dinnertime, if at an invitation she found she had been seated below herself; and would frown upon me for an hour together if she saw me give place to any man under a baronet. As I was once talking to her of a wealthy citizen whom she had refused in her youth, she declared to me with great warmth, that she preferred a man of quality in his shirt to the richest man upon the 'Change in a coach and six. She pretended that our family was nearly related, by the mother's side, to half a dozen peers; but as none of them knew any thing of the matter, we always kept it as a secret among ourselves. A little before her death she was reciting to me the history of my forefathers; but dwelling a little longer than ordinary upon the actions of Sir Gilbert Ironside, who had a horse shot under him at Edgebill fight, I gave an unfortunate pish, and asked, what was all this to me? upon which she retired to her closet, and fell a scribbling for three hours together, in which time, as I afterwards found, she struck me out of her will, and left all she had to my sister Margaret, a wheedling baggage, that used to be asking questions about her great-grandfather from morning to night. She now lies buried among the family of the Ironsides with a stone over her, acquainting the reader, that she died at the age of eighty years, a spinster, and that she was descended of the ancient family of the Ironsides-After which follows the genealogy, drawn up by her own hand. THE TEST OF PATIENCE; OR, THE HOGS IN A parson who had a remarkable foible, And now, the grave lecture and prayers at an end, He brings along with him a neighbouring friend; To be a partaker of Sunday's good cheer, And taste his delightful October-brew'd beer. The dinner was ready and all things laid snug"Here, wife," says the parson, go fetch up a mug." But a mug of what liquor he'd scarce time to tell her, When" Lord, husband!" she cried, "there's the hogs in the cellar. To be sure they've got in whilst we were at pray'ers." "To be sure you're a fool; so, get you down stairs, And bring what I bid you-Go, see what's the matter, For now I myself hear a grunting and clatter." per-In suitable phrases related the case ; In handling a tankard, than handling a text. Perch'd up in his pulpit, one Sunday he criedMake patience, my dearly beloved, your guide; And, in all your troubles, mischances, and crosses, Remember the patience of Job in his losses." Now this parson had got a stout cask of strong beer; A present, no doubt-but no matter from where; -Suffice it to say that he reckon❜d it good, And valu'd the liquor as much as his blood, While he the church-service in haste mutter'd o'er, The hogs found their way thro' his old cellar-door; And by the sweet scent of the beer-barrel led, Had knocked out the spigot or cock from its head. Out sponted the liquor abroad on the ground, And the unbidden guests quaff'd it merrily round, Nor from their diversion or merriment ceas'd, Till every hog there was a true drunken beast, He rav'd like a madman; and, snatching a broom, First beiabour'd his hogs, then his wife round the room. CONVIVIALITY. Charles Bannister was one evening presiding at convivial party, when a friend said to him, you will ruin your constitution by sitting up at ight in this manner."-" Oh," replied Bannister, you do not know the nature of my constitution sit up at night to watch it, and keep it in repair while you are asleep.” EORGE III. AND THE WHIGS. When the Whigs came into power, they turned ut every body, even Lord Sandwich, the master of the stag-hounds. The king met his lordship in is ride soon after. How do you do?" cried s majesty," so they have turned you off; it was ot my fault, upon my honour, for it was as much I could do to keep my own place." GOLDEN HARVEST. feast upon admiration, composed to encounter censures without emotion, and determined not to suffer his quiet to be injured by a sensibility with equal contempt at vain objections and injutoo exquisite of praise or blame, but to laugh dicious commendations, he enters the places of mingled conversation, sits down to his tea in an obscure corner, and while he appears to examine a file of antiquated journals, catches the conversation of the whole room. He listens but hears no mention of his book, and therefore supposes that he has disappointed his curiosity by delay; and that as men of learning would naturally begin their conversation with such a wonderful novelty, they had digressed to other subjects be fore his arrival. The company disperses, and their places are supplied by others equally iguorant, or equally careless. The same expectation hurries him to another place, from which the A pobleman about to marry a fortune, being same disappointment drives him soon away. His d how long the honey-moon would last, re-impatience then grows violent and tumultuous; id, "Don't tell me of the honey-moon, it is he ranges over the town with restless curiosity, and hears in one quarter of a cricket-match, in another of a pickpocket; is told by some of an unexpected bankruptcy, by others of a turtlefeast; is sometimes provoked by importunate inquiries after the white bear, and sometimes with praises of the dancing-dog; he is afterwards entreated to give his judgment upon a wager about the height of the monument; invited to see a foot-race in the adjacent villages; desired to read a ludicrous advertisement; or consulted about the most effectual method of making inquiry after a favourite cat. The whole world is busied in affairs which he thinks below the notice When a writer has with long toil produced a of reasonable creatures, and which are nevertheWork intended to burst upon mankind with un-less sufficient to withdraw all regard from his erted lustre, and withdraw the attention of labours and his merits. harvest-moon with me." PAYMENT AT SIGHT. "Pay me my money!" Robin cried learned world from every other controversy quiry, be is seldom contented to wait long TRUE PHILOSOPHY. hout the enjoyment of his new praises. With A footman who had been found guilty of murder. magination full of his own importance, he ing his fellow-servant, was engaged in writing k out like a monarch in disguise, to learn his confession, "I murd" he stopped, and various opinions of his readers. Prepared to asked, "How do you spell murdered?” DEATH BY ORDER ROYAL VIRTUES. When Alderman Gill died, his wife ordered the George III. was coming home one day from the undertaker to inform the Court of Aldermen of San Fiorenzo, at Weymouth, when the wind ar the event, when he wrote to this effect, "I am de- tide met, and the people on shore were appreh sired to inform the Court of Aldermen, Mr. Al-sive that the barge would be swamped. The nex derman Gill died last night by order of Mrs. Gill," THE PATIENT'S FAREWELL. My master! from your wine forbear, Says Gwynn, with gestures odd; And shun all commerce with the fair, Or else you'll die, by G- d. If death be in my fair one's smile, And poison in my bin; To live can ne'er be worth my while, Adieu! good Dr, Gwynn, BEN JONSON. Ben Jonson owing a vintner some money, staid away from his house; the vintner meeting hint by chance, asked him for his money, and also told him if he would come to his house, and an. swer him four questions, he would forgive him the debt. Ben Jonson very gladly agreed, and went at the time appointed, called for a bottle of claret, and drank to the vintner, praising the wine greatly; "This is not our business," said the vintner; “Mr. Jonson, answer me my four questions, or pay me my money, or go to gaol."--" Pray," said Ben, " propose them."-" Then," said the vintner, "tell me, First, What pleases God?— Secondly, What pleases the Devil?-Thirdly, What pleases the World?—And lastly, What best pleases me?"-"Well, then," replied Ben, "God is best pleased when man forsakes his sin; The Devil's best pleased when man delights therein; The world's best pleas'd when you do draw good wine; And you'll be pleased when I do pay for mine." The vintner was satisfied, gave Ben a receipt in full, and a bottle of claret into the bargain. morning some officers waited on the king, to coo gratulate him on his escape, saying," that he mus have been in great fear."-" Oh,” replied th king, "I thank you; but let what will be said the family, there are no cowards among us, wha ever fools there may be." LASTING BEAUTY. Lord Ailesbury and Lady Strafford presets their beauty so long, that Horace Walpole calt them Huckaback beauties, that never wear out. TYTHE BY INSTALMENTS. A farmer once gave notice to the clergyman his parish, who took tithe in kind, that he a going to draw a field of turnips on a certain d The clergyman, accordingly, sent his team a servant at the time appointed, when the farm drew ten turnips, and desired the servant to ta one of them, saying, "he would not draw more that day, but would let him know wher did." A LADY OF FASHION, She sometimes laughs, but never loud; She's handsome too, but somewhat proud; At court she bears away the belle She dresses fine and figures well; With decency she's gay and airy; Who can this be but Lady Mary? THE PENSIONER'S EQUIVOQUE. A stranger visiting Greenwich-hospital, pensioner in a yellow coat, which is the punish for disorderly behaviour. Surprised at the s larity of the man's appearance, he asked what it meant ? 'O, sir,” replied the *.. we who wear yellow coats are the music is I who play the first fiddle.” A CLUB OF AUTHORS. LOSING A CHANCE. The first person of this society is Dr. Nonentity. Lord Ligonier was killed by the newspapers, a metaphysician. Most people think him a pro-and wanting to prosecute them, his lawyer told him found scholar; but, as he seldom speaks, I can-it was impossible-a tradesman might prosecute, not be positive in that particular; he generally as such a report might affect his credit. "Well preads himself before the fire, sucks his pipe, then," said the old man, " I may prosecute too, tuks little, drinks much, and is reckoned very for I can prove I have been hurt by this report; od company. I am told he writes indexes to I was going to marry a great fortune, who thought perfection; he makes essays on the origin of I was but seventy-four; the newspapers have said evil, philosophical inquiries upon any subject, I am eighty, and she will not have ine." and draws up an answer to any book, upon wenty-four hours warning. You may distinguish him from the rest of the company by his leng grey wig, and the blue handkerchief round Beck. 66 VANITY Lady Townshend told Horace Walpole that she should go to see the coronation of George III., as she had never seen one. "Why," said Walpole, The next to him, in merit and esteem, is Tim you walked at the last ?"—" Yes, child,” said Syllabub, a droll creature; be sometimes shines she," but I saw nothing of it, I only looked to tar of the first magnitude among the choice see who looked at me." pirits of the age; he is reckoned equally excelBeat at a rebus, a riddle, a lewd song, and a ban for the tabernacle. You will know him THE UNLUCKY DRAMATIST. A Scotchman presented a tragedy to Mr. Garrick, who, after some time, returned it, saying, "that he did not think tragedy was the gentleman's forte."—" Then, sir," said the other, taking a manuscript from his pocket, "here's a comedy, and let me tell ye, it's the first comedy that was ever wrote by any of my country." This, however, Mr. Garrick likewise returned, observing, "When I said that tragedy was not your forte, I did not mean that comedy was,' WARBURTON AND QUIN. y his shabby finery, his powdered wig, dirty rt, and broken silk-stockings. After him, succeeds Mr. Tibbs, a very useful d; he writes receipts for the bite of a mad g, and throws off an eastern tale to perfection; Se gaderstands the business of an author as well any man, for no bookseller alive can cheat ; you may distinguish him by the peculiar siness of his figure, and the coarseness of his at Bowever, though it be coarse, (as he sometells the company,) he has paid for it. Lawyer Squint is the politician of the society in behalf of prerogative, when Quin said, “ Pray, Bishop Warburton was once haranguing at Bath makes speeches for parliament, writes adme to his fellow-subjects, and letters to noble my lord, spare me; you are not acquainted with anders; he gives the history of every newy principles, I am a republican; and perhaps I be justified."-" Aye," said Warburton, by even think that the execution of Charles I, might what law?" Quin replied, “ by all the laws he had left them." The bishop told Quin to remember that all the regicides came to violent ends; “I would not advise your lordship," said Quin, to make use of that inference, for if I am not mistaken, the same was the case with the twelve apostles,” **, and finds seasonable thoughts upon every A NEW PRISON. This world is a prison in ev'ry respect, |