THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. THE HOLY SHEPHERD. THE SILENT HUSBAND A fo Madame Geoffrin had a husband, who was perThe late M. de Glermont Tonnere, the proud bishop of Noyon, when preaching in his cathe-mitted to sit down at his own table to dinner, at dral, was once heard thus to commence his ser- the end of the table, upon condition that he never mon: Listen, thou christian mob, (canaille,) to the attempted to join in the conversation. word of the Lord. At another time, when disturbed reigner, who was assiduous in his visits to Maby the whispers of the inattentive, while he was dame Geoffrin, one day, not seeing him as usual celebrating mass, he turned towards the assembly, at table, enquired after him:-" What have you crying out, Really, gentlemen, judging by the noise done with the poor man whom I always used to with which you fill the church, one would conclude see here, and who never spoke a word?"" Oh, that it was a lackey, and not a prelate of rank, who that was my husband; he is dead!" efficiated. It was this bishop, who, when seized with a dangerous illness, sent for his confessor, and made known to him his fears of hell. This courtly priest replied, "You are very good, my lord, thus gratuitously to terrify yourself; but God will think of it twice before he damns a per100 of your high birth." THE OLD COQUETTE.-IMITATED FROM A trace with your infamous labours, old Bet; Ell spreading a cloud o'er their gay constel- Chloe's to sport in the pale of fiftees; THE PRIESTLY JONAH, It blew a hard storm, and, in utmost confusion, Transferr'd, as they thought, from themselves to To lighten the ship, and conclude their devotion, OTAHEITAN CONVERSION. Among the savages of the South-Sea Islands, Jorgensen, in his Account of the State of Christianity in Otaheite, speaks of Otoo, king of Uliteeah, who came on board, and, putting on a most sanctified face, said, “Master Christ very good, very fine fellow, me love him like my own brother, give me one glass of brandy." His ma from her years to yours count the season be- jesty's desires, however, increased glass after Tween. ver daughter more decently rattles away, glass, till at length he became noisy, and swore he would recant all he had said, if they did not crowd of gallants, at the ball or the play; give him more brandy. He was refused; and a youth of her age her soft bosom has fir'd; then, breaking out into the most horrid impreca de sports like a kid or Bacchante inspir'd.tions, jumped overboard, swearing and swimming the rich folding train, nor the plumy balloon, s an old woman whom lovers disown; music is discord attun'd to thy tongue; for roses, perfumes, nor cosmetics, wash young wine, purple wine, that enlivens the gay, avail as old woman so wrinkled and grey. to the shore. ON A CLUB OF SOTS. The jolly members of a toping club, For nothing else, but only to hold drink. DRINKING SONG. I cannot eat but little meat, from our marriage, by her turbulent behaviour; GAMMER GURTON's needle. MUTUAL LONGING. A pregnant lady, dining with a bishop, took a sudden longing to an elegant silver tureen, then on the table. When she returned, her indisposition alarmed her husband; at length she ex plained the cause of it, and even prevailed on him to go to the bishop, and acquaint him with it. The bishop was too gallant to refuse a lady in her She was desituation any thing, and sent it. lighted; she thanked the good hishop for it. length her accouchement took place, and she went abroad. The bishop then sent a polite letter, congratulating her on getting abroad; requested she would return the tureen, as he now, in his turn, began to long for it; but that, upon any future occasion, if she should again long for it, it was at her service upon such terms. LILLY'S WIFE At Lilly, the almanack-maker, in the history of his life, makes the following item of his wife:-" Feb. 16, 165, my second wife died, for whose death I shed no tears. I had £500 with her, as her portion; but she, and her poor relations, spent me a thousand pounds. Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto; sicut erat in principio, et nunc et semper et in sæcula sæculorum." I stuff my skin, so full within Both foot and hand go cold; But belly, God send thee good ale enough, I love no roast but a nut-brown toast, I am so wrapp'd, and thoroughly lapp'e, And Tib, my wife, that as her life And saith, "Sweetheart, I took my part Now let them drink till they nod and wie They shall not miss to have the bliss Good ale doth bring men to. God save the lives of theur and their wi This difficult case of conscience must be left to the casuists. The poor substitute-husband, somehow, does not appear in the business; his renunciation of the lady was to be expected, if he acquiesced in the transfer. ON A COVETOUS OLD PARSON. Cries Spintext in spleen, "This public donation, And for pity, mere pity! 'tis shew and pretence; knows; All my gifts I bestow in so private a way, And thus he makes sure that none shall reveal 'em. THE ABSENT MAN. Ralphe, my beloved husband, I am right sorie that I have, in thy absence, taken another man to be my husband; but here, before God and this panie, I do renounce and forsake him, and do promise to keep my sealfe onlie unto thee during .and to perform all duties which I first pro-door to go out, but shuts it again, because he ed unto thee in our marriage, The Prayer. nightie God, we beseech thee to pardon our nces, and give us grace ever hereafter to live er in thy feare, and to perform the holy Ps of marriage, one to another, accordinge as enght in thy holie word; for thy dear rake, Jesus. Amen. retry concludes thus Menalcas comes down in a morning, opens his perceives that he has his night-cap on; and examining himself further, finds that he is but halfshaved, that he has stuck his sword on his right side, that his stockings are about his heels, and that his shirt is over his breeches. When he is dressed, he goes to court, comes into the drawing. room, and walking bolt upright under a branch of candlesticks, his wig is caught up by one of them, and hangs dangling in the air. All the Law Erst day of August, 1604, Ralphe Good-courtiers fall a laughing, but Menalcas laughs of the parish of Barkinge, in Thames-louder than any of them, and looks about for the *,**4 Vizabeth, his wife, weare agreed to person that is the jest of the company. Coming ***gerber, and thereupon gave their hands one down to the court gate he finds a coach, which ser, making, either of them, a solemn vow taking for his own he whips into it; and the Toe, in the presence of coachman drives off, not doubting but he carries his master. As soon as he stops, Menaleas throws himself out of the coach, crosses the court, ascends the staircase, and runs through all the chambers WILLIAM STERE, Parson, with the greatest familiarity, reposes himself on aand neither sees you, nor any man, nor any thing couch, and fancies himself at home. The master else; he came once from his country-house, an of the house at last comes in, Menalcas rises to his own footmen undertook to rob him, and su receive him, and desires him to sit down; he ceeded; they held a flambeau to his throat, an talks, muses, and then talks again. The gentle- bad him deliver his purse; he did so, and comin man of the house is tired and amazed; Menalcas home told his friends he had been robbed; the is no less so, but is every moment in hopes that his desired to know the particulars," Ask my se impertinent guest will at last end his tedious visit, vants," said Menalcas," for they were with me. Night comes on, when Menalcas is hardly unBRUYERE deceived. 66 When he is playing at backgammon, he calls for a full glass of wine and water; it is his turn to throw; he has the box in one hand, and his glass in the other, and being extremely dry, and unwilling to lose time, he swallows down both the dice, and at the same time throws his wine into the tables. He writes a letter and flings the sand into the ink-bottle; he writes a second, and mistakes the superscription; a nobleman receives one of them, and upon opening it reads as follows: "I would have you, honest Jack, immediately upon the receipt of this, take in hay enough to serve me the winter." His farmer receives the other, and is amazed to see in it, My Lord, I received your Grace's commands with an entire submission to-" If he is at an entertainment, you may see the pieces of bread continually multiplying round his plate; it is true the rest of the company want it, as well as their knives and forks, which Menalcas does not let them keep long. Sometimes in a morning he puts his whole family in a hurry, and at last goes out without being able to stay for his coach or dinner, and for that day you may see him in every part of the town, except the very place where he had appointed to be upon a business of importance. You would often take him for every thing that he is not; for a fellow quite stupid, for he hears nothing; for a fool, for he talks to himself, and has a hundred grimaces and motions with his head, which are altogether involuntary; for a proud man, for he looks full upon you, and takes no notice of your saluting him; the truth of it is, his eyes are open, but he makes no use of them, THE SUITOR. Lucas, with ragged coat, attends A HARD MASTER. A theatrical manager, one evening when band was playing an overture, went up to horn players, and asked why they were not ing. They said they had twenty bars "Rest!" says he, "I'll have no rest in my pany; I pay you for playing not for resting. APPROPRIATE PRESENTS. Ou the City of London presenting Ad Keppel with the freedom in a box of heart of and Lord Rodney in a gold box: .. Each admiral's defective part, The wealthy Keppel wanted heart : THE COMPOSITION OF WINE. An Asiatic chief being asked his opinion of a pipe of Madeira wine, presented to him by an facer of the company's service, said," he thought a juice extracted from women's tongues, and on's hearts; for after he had drunk enough of it, be could talk for ever, and fight the devil." BOX-LOBBY LOUNGERS. On hearing two worthless cowards challenge ach other in Drury-Jane theatre, a gentleman present wrote the following stanzas: In Drury's lobby, Tom and Dick Pull'd each the other's nose; "I am a gentleman!" cried Dick, fore them. Lady Dainty is convinced, that it is necessary for a gentlewoman to be out of order; and to preserve that character, she dines every her table at two, and be unable to eat in public. day in her closet at twelve, that she may become fashion to be short-sighted. A man would not About five years ago, I remember it was the own an acquaintance until he had first examined him with his glass. At a lady's entrance into the velled at her from every quarter of the pit and playhouse, you might see tubes immediately leside-boxes. However, that mode of infirmity is out, and the age has recovered its sight; but the blind seem to be succeeded by the lame, and a janty limp is the present beauty. I think I have formerly observed, a cane is part of the dress of a prig, and always worn upon a button, for fear he should be thought to have an occasion for it, or be esteemed really, and not genteelly a cripple. I have considered but could never find out the bottom of this vanity. I indeed have heard of a Gascon general, who, by the lucky grazing of a bullet on the roll of his stocking, took occasion to halt all his life after. But as for our peaceable cripples, I know no foundation for their beha viour, without it may be supposed that in this warlike age, some think a cane the next honour to a wooden leg. This sort of affectation I have known run from one limb or member to another. Before the Limpers came in, I remember a race of Lispers, fine persons, who took an aversion to particular letters in our language; some never uttered the letter H; and others had as mortal an As bad as the world is, I find by very strict ob- aversion to S. Others have had their fashionable #avalion upon virtue and vice, that if men ap-defect in their ears, and would make you repeat pared ao worse than they really are, I should all you said twice over, I know an ancient less work than at present I am obliged to friend of mine, whose table is every day surdertake for their reformation. They have ge- rounded with flatterers, that makes use of this, ally taken up a kind of inverted ambition, sometimes as a piece of grandeur, and at others ad affect even faults and imperfections of which as an art, to make them repeat their commendary are innocent. The first of this order of mentions. Such affectations have been indeed in the are the Valetudinarians, who are never in health; world in ancient times; but they fell into them complain of want of stomach or rest every day out of politic ends. Alexander the Great had a 24il noon, and then devour all which comes be- wry neck, which made it the fashion in his court Now if this palsied pair should meet, AFFECTATION. |