else; he came once from his country-house, and his own footmen undertook to rob him, and succeeded; they held a flambeau to his throat, an bad him deliver his purse; he did so, and coming home told his friends he had, been robbed; they desired to know the particulars, “Ask my ser vants," said Menalcas, "for they were with me. BRUYERE with the greatest familiarity, reposes himself on aand neither sees you, nor any man, nor any thing couch, and fancies himself at home. The master of the house at last comes in, Menalcas rises to receive him, and desires him to sit down; he talks, muses, and then talks again. The gentleman of the house is tired and amazed; Menalcas is no less so, but is every moment in hopes that his impertinent guest will at last end his tedious visit, Night comes on, when Menalcas is hardly undeceived. THE SUITOR. Lucas, with ragged coat, attends When he is playing at backgammon, he calls for a full glass of wine and water; it is his turn to throw; he has the box in one hand, and his glass in the other, and being extremely dry, and unwilling to lose time, he swallows down both the dice, and at the same time throws his wine into the tables. He writes a letter and flings the sand into the ink-bottle; he writes a second, and mistakes the superscription; a nobleman receives one of them, and upon opening it reads as follows: "I would have you, honest Jack, immediately upon the receipt of this, take in hay enough to serve me the winter." His farmer receives the other, and is amazed to see in it, “My Lord, I received your Grace's commands with an entire submission to" If he is at an entertainment, you may see the pieces of bread continually multiplying round his plate; it is true the rest of the company want it, as well as their knives and forks, which Menalcas does not let them keep long. Sometimes in a morning he puts his whole family in a hurry, and at last goes out without being able to stay for his coach or dinner, and for that day you may see him in every part of the town, except the very place where he had pany; I pay you for playing not for resting. appointed to be upon a business of importance. You would often take him for every thing that he is not; for a fellow quite stupid, for he hears nothing; for a fool, for he talks to himself, and has a hundred grimaces and motions with his head, which are altogether involuntary; for a proud man, for he looks full upon you, and takes no notice of your saluting him; the truth of it is, his eyes are open, but he makes no use of them, A HARD MASTER. when A theatrical manager, one evening band was playing an overture, went up to horn players, and asked why they were not p ing. They said they had twenty bars Rest!" says he, "I'll have no rest in my APPROPRIATE PRESENTS. On the City of London presenting Ad Keppel with the freedom in a box of heart of and Lord Rodney in a gold box: Each admiral's defective part, The wealthy Keppel wanted heart i THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. THE COMPOSITION OF WINE. " a An Asiatic chief being asked his opinion of pipe of Madeira wine, presented to him by an oficer of the company's service, said," he thought a juice extracted from women's tongues, and ling's hearts; for after he had drunk enough of it, be could talk for ever, and fight the devil." BOX-LOBBY LOUNGERS. On hearing two worthless cowards challenge ach other in Drury-lane theatre, a gentleman present wrote the following stanzas:— In Drury's lobby, Tom and Dick "I am a gentleman!” cried Dick, AFFECTATION. de bad as the world is, I find by very strict obvation upon virtue and vice, that if men apred no worse than they really are, I should less work than at present I am obliged to anake for their reformation. They have geally taken up a kind of inverted ambition, alert even faults and imperfections of which are innocent. The first of this order of men the Valetudinarians, who are never in health; romplain of want of stomach or rest every day noon, and then devour all which comes be fore them. Lady Dainty is convinced, that it is to carry their heads on one side when they came into the presence. One who thought to outshine the whole court, carried bis head so over-complaisantly, that this martial prince gave him so great a box on the ear, as set all the heads of the court upright. This humour takes place in our minds as well as bodies. I know at this time a young gentleman, who talks atheistically all day in coffeehouses, and in his degrees of understanding sets up for a freethinker; though it can be proved upon him, he says his prayers every morning and evening. "for ever Of the like turn are all your marriage-haters, who rail at the noose, at the words, and aye," and at the same time are secretly Fining for some young thing or other that makes their hearts ache by her refusal. The next to these, are such as pretend to govern their wives, and boast how ill they use them; when, at the same time, go to their houses, and you shall see them step as if they feared making a noise, and are as fond as an alderman. I do not know, but sometimes these pretences may arise from a desire to conceal a contrary defect than they set up for I remember, when I was a young fellow, we had a companion of a very fearful complexion, who, when we sat in to drink, would desire us to take his sword from him when he grew fuddled, for it was his misfortune to be quarrelsome. As the desire of fame in men of true wit and gallantry shews itself in proper instances, the same desire in men who have the ambition without proper faculties, runs wild, and discovers itself in a thousand extravagances, by which they would signalize themselves from others, and gain a zet of admirers When I was a middle-aged man, there were many societies of ambitious young men in England, who, in their pursuits after fame, were every night employed in roasting porters, smoking cobblers. knocking down watchmen, overturning constables, breaking windows, blackening sign-posts, and the like immortal entexprizes. THE BISHOP AND THE PEASANT. A German clown, at work in his field, seek his bishop pass by, attended by a train becomin a peer, he could not forbear laughing, and thatloud, that the reverend gentleman asked the re son of it. The clown answered; I laugh wh I think of St. Peter and St. Paul, and see you such an equipage."-" How is that ?" said the shop. Do you ask how?" said the fello They were ill-advised to walk alone day t throughout the world, when they were the her of the Christian church, and lieutenants of Je Christ, the king of kings; and thou, who art our bishop, go so well mounted, as to have sur train of Hectors, that thou resemblest more a of the realm, than a pastor of the church," this his reverence replied, "But, my friend, dost not consider that I am both a count a baron, as well as thy bishop." The rustic lar more than before; and the bishop asking he reason of it, he answered, "Sir, when the c and the baron, which you say you are, shall hell, where will the bishop be?" "Such pig for me; why, man alive, Hodge heard, and, tho' by nature warm, Pleas'd with the offer, in he goesHis heart with exultation glows; He rolls his eye, his lips he licks, And scarce can tell on which to fix; At length he cries, "Heaven save the king! This rogue in black is just the thing! Hence shall I gain a rich regale!" Nor more, but seiz'd it by the tail. Loud squeak'd the pig; the sow was nearThe piercing sound assail'd her ear; Eager to save her darling young, Fierce on the bending priest she sprung; Full in the mire his reverence cast, Then seiz'd his breech and held him fast The parson roar'd, surpris'd to find A foe so desperate close behind; On Hodge, on Madge, he calls for aid, But both were deaf to all he said. The scene a numerous circle draws, Who hail the sow with loud applause; Pleas'd they beheld his rev'rence writhe, And swore 'twas fairly tythe for tythe. "Tythe!" cried the parson," Tythe, d'ye say. See here one half is rent away!" The case, 'tis true, was most forlorn; His gown, his wig, his breech was torn ; And, what the mildest priest might ruffle, The pig was lost amidst the scuffle. Give, give me which you please," he cried ; "Nay, pick and choose," still Hodge replied. "Choose! honest friend; alas! but how? Heaven shield me from your murdering sow. When tythes invite, in spite of foes, I dare take Satan by the nose! PROOFS OF INSANITY. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix (an apothecary's wife) a lunatic; and, amongst many other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, phials, lotions, potions, &c. into the streets, as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping physic into the street be any proof of insanity."-" True, my lord," replied the counsel; but sweeping the pots away certainly was." LORD THURLOW'S RELIGION. Mr. Tierney once observed of Lord Thurlow, who was much given to swearing and parsimony, that he was a rigid disciplinarian in his religion, for that in his house it was passion-week in the parlour, and lent in the kitchen, all the year round. FIREWORKS. An eminent director of fireworks being in company with some ladies, was highly commending the epitaph in the abbey on Mr. Purcell's monu ment "He is gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded." "Lord, sir," said one of the ladies, "the same epitaph might serve for you, by altering a single word "He is gone to that place where only his own Fire-works can be exceeded." SLOTH THE CAUSE OF ENNUI. By action 'tis we life enjoy; In idleness we're dead; VOLTAIRE. RIGID ECONOMY. The steward of the Duke of Gaise representing to him the necessity there was of more economy The duke in his household, gave him a list of many person whose attendance was superduous. after reading it, said—“ It is very true that I ca do without all these people, but have you aske them if they can do without me i' UNIVERSITIES. No wonder that Oxford and Cambridge profound HOBSON'S CHOICE. On a lady's entering the assembly-room York, Sterne asked her name: he was told it a Mrs. Hobson; on which he said,“ he had of heard of Hobson's choice, but he never san before." SKIN AND GRIEF. Thy nags (the leanest things alive), INCOME-TAX. Horne Tooke is said to have given in his r under the property-tax, as having an inces only sixty pounds a year. Being, inc quence, summoned before the commissioner found fault with his return, and desired explain how he could live in the style b with so small an income; he replied, had much more reason to be dissatisfed = smallness of his income than they had; that their enquiry, there were three ways in people contrived to live above their i namely, by begging, borrowing, and steel he left it to their sagacity, which of these he employed, |