HOW TO SOW UP A SAND-BAG, AT A CITY

FEAST

REPUBLICANISM

After the death of Charles the First, the Court Bench, and some republicans were so cautions of of King's Bench was called the Court of Public acknowledging monarchy any where, that in repeating the Lord's Prayer, instead of saying, Thy kingdom come," they changed it to Common-wealth come.' Thy

A PATIENT COMPANION.

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A gentleman who once introduced his brother to Johnson, was very earnest to recommend him to the doctor's attention; which he did by saying, Doctor, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother very entertaining."Sir," said Johnson," I can wait."

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That is to say, one who will absorb like a bag of sand, or sawdust, all the wine you can pour into him. Always have in your party half-a-dozen seasoned old topers, whose heads are liquor-proof. Plant them at equal distances round your table; and when your huge barrel bellied Common Coun eil-men are seated, and have loaded their first plates; then your chosen marksmen are to begin their attack, and challenge those fellows alternately with bumpers of port and sherry. Let all the hains be as salt as pickle, and all the meatpies, and other made-dishes, as hot as pepper can make them; and, as your guests get thirsty and call for drink, let them be plied alternately with strung Dorchester beer, brown stout, rough cyder, and perry; still keeping up the fire of port and sherry from your Rific Corps. Before the cloth is removed, let each be induced to swallow a large bumper of brandy, just to settle his stomach and aid digestion. The instant the table is cleared, at Chem again with bumper-rounds of claret; give them no breathing time, if you do they will drink On account of the great number of suicides, a till morning; and then, before the sixth bumper-member moved for leave to bring in a bill to make toast is gone round, their maws will ferment, they it a capital offence.

A FRIENDLY WISH.

Two Irishmen one day meeting, "I am very ill, Pat," said one, rubbing his head. Then,' replied the other, "I hope you may keep so-for fear of being worse.'

PARLIAMENTARY BULLS.

will gape like sick pigs, and, unable to speak, or When Sir John Scott, now Lord Eldon, brought and, will either tumble under the table, or stag-in his bill for restricting the liberty of the press, a away; and then you will have time to enjoy member moved as an addition, that all anonymous par select friends, and acquire gout, to relish a works should have the name of the author printed apper of game." on the title-page.

MARRIAGES IN HEAVEN.

Said Celia to a reverend dean,
**What reason can be given,
Since marriage is a holy thing,
That they have none in heaven ?"

They have," said he, "no women there."
e quick return'd the Jest;

en there are, but I'm afraid
They cannot find a priest."

PICTURE-ROOM.

An Irish gentleman having a small pictureroom, several persons desired to see it at the same time. "Faith, gentlemen," said he, “ if you all go in, it will not hold you."

ON THE PHRASE 60 KILLING TIME.
There's scarce a point wherein mankind agree
So well as in their boast of killing me.
I boast of nothing, but, when I've a mind,
I think I can be even with mankind.

F

THE OATH OF DUNMOW.

who were my mistresses. Ten wives, deserted by married ladies, from doubt of my fidelity or conme, retired in despair to convents. Twelve un

To reward chastity of mind, as well as body, an institution was established, giving to the happy possessors of conjugal virtue a fitch of bacon.stancy, either broke their hearts, or poisoned themselves in desperation. All these were per therefore include the hundreds of the bourgeois, sons of haut ton; and, in their number, I do not or of chambermaids, who, forsaken by me, sought consolation from an halter, or in the river Seine, I have, besides, during the same short period, made twenty-four husbands happy fathers, and forty maids solitary and miserable mothers!

In 1510, Thomas Lefuller, of Coggeshall, Essex, came to the priory of Dunmow, and required to have some of the bacon. He was, according to the form of the charter, sworn before the prior of the house and the convent, and before a multitude of neighbours; when he received a gammon of bacon. The oath of Dunmow was this

"Ye shall swear, by the custom of our confession,
That you never made any nuptial transgression
Since you were married to your wife,

Or householde travels, or contentious strife:
Or otherways at bed or boarde,
Offended each other in deede or worde;
Or, since the parish-clerk said 'Amen,'
Wished yourselves unmarried agen;
Or, in a twelvemonth and a day,
-Repented not in thought any way;
But, continued true and in desire

As when you join'd hands in the holy quire.
If to these conditions, without all fear,
Of your own accord you will freely swear;
A gammon of bacon you shall receive,
And bere it home with love and good leave;
For this is our custom in Dunmow, well known,
Tho' the sport be our's, the bacon's your own."

CHINESE MAXIM.

The tongue of women is their sword, and they never suffer it to grow rusty.

ON MARRIAGE.

God was the first that marriage did ordain,
By making one, two; and two, one again."

SINGULAR MARRIAGE.

A young fellow, called handsome Tracy, was walking in the Park, with some of his acquai ance, and overtook three girls; one was very pretty; they followed them, but the girls ra away, and the company grew tired of pursuing them, all but Tracy. He followed her to White hall-gate, where he gave a porter a crown to de The girls ran all round Westminster, and back them: the porter hunted them-he the port the Haymarket, where the porter came up w them. He told the pretty one she must go w him, and kept her talking till Tracy arrive quite out of breath, and exceedingly in love. I insisted on knowing where she lived, which s refused to tell him; and, after much disputhj went to the house of one of her companions, a Tracy with them. He there made her disco her family, a butter woman, in Craven-street, 3 engaged her to meet him next morning in Park; but before night he wrote her four le letters, and, in the last, offered two hund pounds a-year to her, and a hundred a-yea Signora la Madre. Griselda made a confid

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOpher.

of stay-maker's wife, who told her that the wain was certainly in love enough to marry her, if she could determine to be virtuous and refuse his offers. "Aye," says she," but if I should, and should lose him by it." However, the measures of the cabinet-council were decided for virtue; and when she met Tracy next morning in the Park, she was convoyed by her sister and brotherin-law, and stuck close to the letter of her reputation. At last, as an instance of prodigious compliance, she told him, that if he would accept such a dinner as a butter-woman's daughter could give him, he should be welcome. Away they walked to Craven-street; the mother borrowed some silver to buy a leg of mutton, and they kept the eager lover drinking till twelve at night, when a chosen committee waited on the faithful pair to the minister of May-fair. The doctor was in bed, and swore he would not get up to marry the king, but that he had a brother, over the way, who pertape would, and who did. The mother borrowed a pair of sheets, and they consummated at her house; and the next day they went to their own palace. In two or three days the scene grew gloomy; and the husband, coming home one night, wore he could bear it no longer. "Bear! bear What?""Why, to be teazed by all my acquaintsace, for marrying a butter-woman's daughter. 1am determined to go to France, and will leave Jou a handsome allowance."-"Leave me! why y don't fancy you shall leave me? I will go ith you,"What! you love me then?"-" No matter, whether I love you or not, but you shan't

without me." And they are gone! If you ow any body that proposes marrying and traelling, I think they cannot do it in a more comMions manner.

THE THOUGHT; OR, A SONG OF SIMILES.

The thought; the fair Narcissa cries,
What is it like, Sir?" Like your eyes-
Tu like a chair-'tis like a key-
Tha e a purge-'tis like a flea-

"Tis like a beggar-like the sun—
'Tis like the Dutch-'tis like the moon-
'Tis like a kilderkin of ale-

"Tis like a Doctor-like a whale"-
Why are my eyes, Sir, like a Sword?
For that's the Thought, upon my word.
"Ah! witness every pang I feel,
The deaths they give, the likeness tell.
A sword is like a chair you'll find,
Because, 'tis most an end behind.
"Tis like a key, for 't will undo one;
'Tis like a purge, for 't will run thro' one;
'Tis like a flea, and reason good,
'Tis often drawing human blood."
Why like a beggar?" You shall hear;
'Tis often carried 'fore the May'r;
'Tis like the sun, because its gilt;
Besides, it travels in a belt.

'Tis like the Dutch, we plainly see,
Because that state, whenever we
A push for our own int'rest make,
Does instantly our sides forsake.'
The moon? Why, when all 's said and done,
A sword is very like the moon;
For if his Majesty (God bless him)
When County Sheriff comes t' address him,
Is pleas'd his favours to bestow
On him, before him kneeling low,
This o'er his shoulders glitters bright,
And gives the glory to the Knight (night);
"Tis like a kilderkin, no doubt,
For its not long in drawing out.
'Tis like a Doctor, for who will
Dispute a Doctor's pow'r to kill?"
But why a sword is like a whale
Is no such easy thing to tell;

"But since all swords are swords, d' ye see,
Why, let it then a backsword be,
Which, if well us'd, will seldom fail

To raise up somewhat like a whale."

LEGACY TO A WIFE.

Whereas, it was my misfortune to be made very uneasy by Elizabeth, my wife, for many years,

DRINKING SONG.

I cannot eat but little meat,
My stomach is not good;
But sure, I think that I can drink
With him that wears a hood.
Tho' I go bare, take ye no care,
I nothing am a cold,

from our marriage, by her turbulent behaviour;| GAMMER GURTON's needle.
for she was not content with despising my admio-
nitions, but she contrived every method to make me
unhappy; she was so perverse in her nature, that
she would not be reclaimed, but seemed only to be
born to be a plague to me; the strength of Samp-|
son, the knowledge of Homer, the prudence of
Augustus, the cunning of Pyrrhus, the patience of
Job, the subtlety of Hannibal, and the watchful-
ness of Hermogenes, could not have been sufficient
to subdue her; for no skill or force in the world
would make her good; and, as we have lived
several years separate, and apart from each other
eight years, and she having perverted her son to
leave and totally abandon me; therefore I give
her one shilling only.

MUTUAL LONGING.

A pregnant lady, dining with a bishop, took a sudden longing to an elegant silver tureen, then on the table. When she returned, her indisposition alarmed her husband; at length she ex plained the cause of it, and even prevailed on him to go to the bishop, and acquaint him with it. The bishop was too gallant to refuse a lady in her situation any thing, and sent it. She was delighted; she thanked the good hishop for it. At length her accouchement took place, and she went abroad. The bishop then sent a polite letter, congratulating her on getting abroad; requested she would return the tureen, as he now, in his turn, began to long for it; but that, upon any future occasion, if she should again long for it, it was at her service upon such terms.

LILLY'S WIFE.

Lilly, the almanack-maker, in the history of his life, makes the following item of his wife :-" Feb. 16, 165, my second wife died, for whose death I shed no tears. I had £500 with her, as her portion; but she, and her poor relations, spent me a thousand pounds. Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto; sicut erat in principio, et nunc et semper et in sæcula sæculorum.”

I stuff my skin, so full within
Of jolly good ale and old.
Back and side go bare, go bare,

Both foot and hand go cold;

But belly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old.

I love no roast but a nut-brown toast,
And a crab laid in the fire:

A little bread shall do me stead,
Much bread I nought desire.
No frost, no snow, no wind, I trow,
Can hurt me if I wold,

I am so wrapp'd, and thoroughly lapp'd,
Of jolly good ale and old.
Back and side, &c.

And Tib, my wife, that as her life
Loveth well good ale to seek,
Full oft drinks she, till ye may see

The tears run down her cheek;
Then doth she troul to me the bowl,

Even as a malkworm should,

And saith, "Sweetheart, I took my part
Of this jolly good ale and old.”
Back and side, &c.

Now let them drink till they nod and wink.
Ev'n as good fellows should do;

They shall not miss to have the bliss
Good ale doth bring men to.

And all poor souls that have scoured bowls
Or have them lustily troul'd.

God save the lives of them and their wives,
Whether they be young or old.
Back and side, &c.

REPARATION OF CONJUGAL INFIDELITY.

This difficult case of conscience must be left to the casuists. The poor substitute-husband, some

The following extraordinary entry appears in how, does not appear in the business; his renunthe parish-register of Bermondsey, in 1604:

August.

The forme of a solemne vowe, made betwixt a an and his wife, the man having beene long abseat, through which the woman beinge married to Lother man, tooke her again as followeth,

The Man's Speech.

Elizabeth, my beloved wife, I am right sorie that I have so longe absented my sealfe from thee, Wareby thou shouidest be occasioned to take another man to thy husband; therefore, I do nowe towe and promise, in the sight of God, and of this companie, to take thee againe as mine owne; and will not onlie forgive thee, but also dwell with thee, and do all other duties unto thee as I proied at our marriage.

ciation of the lady was to be expected, if he acquiesced in the transfer.

ON A COVETOUS OLD PARSON.

Cries Spintext in spleen, "This public donation,
Methinks, savours much of vain ostentation;
God bless me, five pounds, why the sum is im-
mense,
And for pity, mere pity! 'tis shew and pretence;
When I do an alms, fame's trumpet ne'er blows
What my right hand is doing, my left never

knows;

All my gifts I bestow in so private a way,
That when, how, or where, no mortal can say ;
Spintext, it is true, has such art to conceal 'em,
That his parish ne'er sees, nor the poor ever
feel 'em,

And thus he makes sure that none shall reveal

'em.

The Woman's Speech. Ralphe, my beloved husband, I am right sorie at I have, in thy absence, taken another man to ray husband; but here, before God and this panie, I do renounce and forsake him, and do romise to keep my sealfe onlie unto thee during and to perform all duties which I first pro-door to go out, but shuts it again, because he ard unto thee in our marriage.

The Prayer. Almightie God, we beseech thee to pardon our races, and give us grace ever hereafter to live her in thy feare, and to perform the holy es of marriage, une to another, accordinge as retinght in thy holie word; for thy dear ake, Jesus. Amen.

THE ABSENT MAN.

Menalcas comes down in a morning, opens his

perceives that he has his night-cap on; and examining himself further, finds that he is but halfshaved, that he has stuck his sword on his right side, that his stockings are about his heels, and that his shirt is over his breeches. When he is dressed, he goes to court, comes into the drawingroom, and walking bolt upright under a branch of candlesticks, his wig is caught up by one of them, and hangs dangling in the air. All the first day of August, 1604, Ralphe Good-courtiers fall a laughing, but Menalcas laughs of the parish of Barkinge, in Thames71, and i lizabeth, his wife, weare agreed to Negerser, and thereupon gave their hands one ber, making, either of them, a solemn vow tee, ia the presence of

atry concludes thus

WILLIAM STERE, Parson,
EDWARD COKER, and
RICHARD BIRE, Clerk.

louder than any of them, and looks about for the person that is the jest of the company. Coming down to the court gate he finds a coach, which taking for his own he whips into it; and the coachman drives off, not doubting but he carries his master. As soon as he stops, Menaleas throws himself out of the coach, crosses the court, ascends the staircase, and runs through all the chambers