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How to sow up A SAND-BAG, AT A cityfeasts
That is to say, one who will absorb like a bag of sand, or sawdust, all the wine you can pour into him. Always have in your party half-a-dozen seasoned old to pers, whose heads are liquor-proof. Plant them at equal distances round your table ; and when your huge barrel bellied Common Council-men are seated, and have loaded their first plates; then your chosen marksinen are to begin their attack, and challenge those fellows alternately with burn pers of port and sherry. Let all the hains be as salt as pickle, and all the meatpies, and other made-dishes, as hot as pepper can tanke them ; aud, as your guests get thirsty and call for drink, let them be plied alternately with strung Dorchester beer, brown stout, rough cyder, and perry ; still keeping up the fire of port and sherry from your Rifle Corps. Before the cloth is reunoved, let each be induced to swallow a large bumper of brandy, just to settle his stomach and aid digestiou. The instant the table is cleared, at them again with bumper-rounds of claret; give them uo breathing time, if you do they will drink inil morniag; and then, before the sixth bumpertoast is gone round, their maws will ferment, they will gape like sick pigs, and, unable to speak, or rand, will either tumble under the table, or stagfor away 3 and then you will have time to enjoy your select friends, and acquire gout, to relish a *pper of game.”
After the death of Charles the First, the Court of King's Bench was called the Court of Public Bench, and some republicans were so cautions of acknowledging monarchy any where, that in repeating the Lord's Prayer, instead of saying, “Thy kingdom come,” they changed it to “Thy Common-wealth come.”
A PATIENT COMPANION.
A gentleman who once introduced his brother to Johnson, was very earnest to recommend him to the doctor's attention; which he did by saying, “Doctor, when we have sat together some time, you’ll find my brother very entertaining.” – “Sir,” said Johnson, “I can trait.”
A FRIENDLY WISH.
Two Irishmen one day meeting, “I am very ill, Pat,” said one, rubbing his head. “Then,” replied the other, “I hope you may keep so—for fear of being worse.”
On account of the great number of suicides, a member moved for leave to bring in a bill to make it a capital offence.
When Sir John Scott, now Lord Eldon, brought in his bill for restricting the liberty of the press, a member moved as an addition, that all anonymous works should have the name of the author printed on the title-page.
title oath of DUNMOW.
To reward chastity of mind, as well as body, an institution was established, giving to the happy possessors of conjugal virtue a slitch of bacon. In 1510, Thomas Lefuller, of Coggeshall, Essex, came to the priory of Dunmow, and required to have some of the bacon. He was, according to the form of the charter, sworn before the prior of the house and the convent, and before n multitude of neighbours ; when he received a gammon of bacon. The oath of Dunmow was this—
“Ye shall swear, by the custom of our confession,
OBE DIENCE OF WIV Es. In the Unitarian prayer-book, used by the American states of New England, the word obey is left out of the matrimonial service. Saint Paul, however, says, “Let the wife be subject to her own husband in every thing.”
confession of TALLEYRAND, of His Ex. Ploits from THE Age of seveNTEEN To twenty-one. During five years, six husbands, from jealousy on my account, blew out their brains; and eighteen lovers perished in duels for ladies
who were my mistresses. Ten wives, deserted by me, retired in despair to convents. Twelve unmarried ladies, from doubt of my fidelity or constancy, either broke their hearts, or poisoned themselves in desperation. All these were persons of haut ton; and, in their number, I do not therefore include the hundreds of the bourgeoisie, or of chambermaids, who, forsaken by me, sought consolation from an halter, or in the river Seine. I have, besides, during the same short period, made twenty-four husbands happy fathers, and forty maids solitary and miserable mothers :
chinese MAXIM. The tongue of women is their sword, and they never suffer it to grow rusty. on M.A Ritt AG e.
God was the first that marriage did ordain. By making one, two ; and two, one again.” sl NGULAR MARRIAGE.
A young fellow, called handsome Tracy, was walking in the Park, with some of his acquaintance, and overtook three girls; one was very pretty; they followed them, but the girls ran away, and the company grew tired of pursuing them, all but Tracy. He followed her to Whitehall-gate, where he gave a porter a crown to do: them : the porter hunted them—he the porter. The girls ran all round Westminster, and back to the Haymarket, where the porter came up with them. He told the pretty one she must go with him, and kept her talking till Tracy arrived, quite out of breath, and exceedingly in love. He insisted on knowing where she lived, which she refused to tell him ; and, after much disputins. went to the house of one of her companions, mrd Tracy with them. He there made her discover | her family, a butter woman, in Craven-street, and engaged her to meet him next morning in the |o. but before night he wrote her four loveletters, and, in the last, offered two hundred o a-year to her, and a hundred a-year to
Signora la Madre. Griselda made a confidante of a stay-maker's wife, who told her that the wain was certainly in love enough to marry her, if the could determiue to be virtuous and refuse his offers. “Aye,” says she, “but if I should, and should lose him by it.” However, the measures of the cabinet-council were decided for virtue ; and when she met Tracy next morning in the Park, she was convoyed by her sister and brotherin-law, and stuck close to the letter of her repulation. At last, as an instance of prodigious compliance, she told him, that if he would accept such a dinner as a butter-woman's daughter could give him, he should be welcome. Away they walked to Craven-street; the mother borrowed some silver to buy a leg of mutton, and they kept the eager lover drinking till twelve at night, when a chosen committee waited on the faithful pair to the minister of May-fair. The doctor was in bed, and swore he would not get up to marry the king, but that he had n brother, over the way, who perhapū would, and who did. The mother borrowed a pair of sheets, and they consummated at her house; and the next day they went to their own palace. In two or three days the scene grew gloomy; and the husband, coming home one night, swore he could bear it no longer. “Bear ! bear what?”—“Why, to be teazed by all my acquaintance, for marrying a butter-woman’s daughter. I am determined to go to France, and will leave you a handsome allowance.”—“Leave me ! why you don't fancy you shall leave me? I will go with you.”—“What! you love me then "–“ No taster, whether I love you or not, but you shan’t go without me.” And they are gone ! If you know any body that proposes marrying and traveiling. I think they cannot do it in a more commadians manner.
'Tis like a beggar—like the sun–
LEGACY to A Wife.
Whereas, it was my misfortune to be made very uneasy by Elizabeth, my wife, for many years, from our marriage, by her turbulent behaviour; for she was not content with despising my admonitions, but she contrived every method to make ine unhappy; she was so perverse in her nature, that she would not be reclaimed, but seemed only to be born to be a plague to me; the strength of Sampson, the knowledge of Homer, the prudence of Augustus, the cunning of Pyrrhus, the patience of Job, the subtlety of Hannibal, and the watchfulness of Hermogenes, could not have been sufficient to subdue her; for no skill or force in the world would make her good ; and, as we have lived several years separate, and apart from each other eight years, and she having perverted her son to leave and totally abandon me; therefore I give her one shilling only.
A pregnant lady, dining with a bishop, took a sudden longing to an elegant silver tureen, then on the table. When she returned, her indisposition alarmed her husband ; at length she ex plained the cause of it, and even prevailed on him to go to the bishop, and acquaint him with it. The bishop was too gallant to refuse a lady in her situation any thing, aud sent it. She was delighted; she thanked the good hishop for it. At length her accouchement took place, and she went abroad. The bishop then sent a polite letter, congratulating her on getting abroad; requested she would return the tureen, as he now, in his turn, began to long for it; but that, upon any future occasion, if she should again long for it, it was at her service upon such terms.
And Tib, my wife, that as her life
Now let them drink till they nod and wink,
RETARAtion of CONJUGAL in F1 DELITY.
The following extraordinary entry appears in the parish-register of Bermondsey, in 1604: August. The forme of a solemne vowe, made betwixt a man and his wife, the man having beene long ab“us, through which the woman beinge married to to other usan, tooke her again as followeth. The Man's Speech. Elizabeth, my beloved wife, I am right sorie that I have so longe absented my sealfe from thee, warreby thou shouldest be occasioned to take annther man to thy husband ; therefore, I do nowe to we and promise, in the sight of God, and of this companie, to take thee againe as mine owne; and wiłł not onlie forgive thee, but also dwell with thee, and do all other duties unto thee as I proraised at our marriage. The Woman's Speech. Ralphr, try beloved husband, I am right sorie that I have, in thy absence, taken another man to be my husband; but here, before God and this companie, I do renounce and forsake him, and do promise to keep my scalfe onlie unto thee during life, and to perform all duties which I first proraised unto thee in our marriage, The Prayer. Almightie God, we beseech thee to pardon our noncos, and give us grace ever hereafter to live on-ther in thy feare, and to perform the holy anties of marriage, one to another, accordinge as we are taught in thy holie word; for thy dear son's sake, Jesus. Amen. The entry concludes thus— The first day of August, 1604, Ralphe Good***'de, of the parish of Barkinge, in Thames“rrrt, and Illizabeth, his wife, weare agreed to love together, and thereupon gave their hands one to another, making, either of them, a solemn vow • to doe, in the presence of Williari STERF, Parson, FowAtto Cor. En, aud Richard Ein E, Clerk.
This difficult case of conscience must be left to the casuists. The poor substitute-husband, somehow, does not appear in the business; his renunciation of the lody was to be expected, if he acquiesced in the transfer.
ON A COVETOUS OLD PARSON.
Cries Spintext in spleen, “This public donation, Methinks, savours much of vain ostentation ; God bless me, five pounds, why the sum is immense, And for pity, mere pity! 'tis shew and pretence; When I do an alms, fame's trumpet ne'er blows What my right hand is doing, my left never knows; All my gifts.I bestow in so private a way, That when, how, or where, no mortal can sny; Spintext, it is true, has such art to conceal 'em, That his parish ne’er sees, nur the poor o feel 'em, And thus he makes sure that none shall reveal \ . 'em. the Absent MAN. Menalcas comes down in a morning, opens his door to go out, but shuts it again, because he perceives that he has his night-cap on ; and examining himself further, finds that he is but halfshaved, that he has stuck his sword on his right side, that his stockings are about his heels, and that his shirt is over his breeches. When he is dressed, he goes to court, comes into the drawingroom, and walking bolt upright under a branch of candlesticks, his wig is caught up by one of them, and hangs dangling in the air. All the courtiers fall a laughing, but Menalcas laughs louder than any of then, and looks about for the person that is the jest of the company. Coming down to the court gate he finds a coach, which taking for his own he whips into it 5 and the coachman drives off, not doubting but he carries his master. As soon as he stops, Menalcas throws himself out of the conch, crosses the court, ascends the staircase, and runs through all the chambers