HARD AT THE BOTTOM. QUALIFICATIONS FOR A KINSMAN. A traveller riding down a steep hill, and fearing Sir Nicholas Bacon heing once in the capacity the foot of it was unsound, called out to a man of a judge on the point of passing sentence upon who was ditching, and asked him “if it was hard a fellow just found guilty of a robbery, the culat the bottom."" Aye," answered the country-prit alleged he had the honour of being one of Inan," it is hard enough at the bottom, I warrant his lordship's relations. "How do you prove you." The traveller, however, had not rode half-that?" said Sir Nicholas. "My lord," replied a-dozen yards, before the horse sunk up to the the man, your name is Bacon and my name is saddle-skirts. Why you villain," said he, Hog, and hog and bacon have in all ages been calling out to the ditcher, "did not you tell me reckoned akin."-" That is trae," answered the it was hard at the bottom ?"-" Aye," replied the judge; "but hog is never bacon till it has been fellow," but you are not half-way to the bottom hung, and therefore, until you are hung, you can yet." be no relation of mine." 46 ON A BOWL OF PUNCH. Whene'er a bowl of punch we make The strong, the small, the sharp, the sweet, In conversation thus we find, LIBERALITY. A gentleman much against the custom of giving is servants, where he dined, resolved to play them a trick on his next visit. He collected about a dezen farthings, and as they stood in two rows, farming an avenue, when he left the house, be distributed one to each alternately right and left; by the time he had given the last, the butler, with whom he had begun, perceived his donation, and respectfully advancing, began to stammer out napology," I believe, sir, you have made a slight mistake you have Oh, no," d the gentleman, I never give less." 66 66 CHINA AND CROCKERY. A lady of rank one day remarked to a large company of visitors, that the three classes of the community, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, might very well be compared to the tea-drinking utensils, china, delft, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who was in the nursery. On this the footman was dispatched with orders to the nursery-maid, to whom he called out from the bottom of the stairs, in an audible voice, hollo crockery, bring down little china." A HINT IN SEASON. When an attempt was made, some years ago, to prove Lord Harborough an idiot, the counsel on both sides produced the same instance-one of his wit, the other of his folly. His servants were once puzzled to unpack a large box, and his lordship advised them to do with it as they did with an oyster, to put it into the fire, and it would gape. MODESTY. An Irishwoman once called upon an apothecary with a sick infant, when the apothecary gave her some powder, of which he ordered as much as would lie on a sixpence to be given every morning; the woman replied, " perhaps your honour will lend me a sixpence the while, as I hav'n't got one at all." DELICATE REPROOF. ON PUNCH. Macklin, sitting one night at the back of the Hence, restless care, and low design' front boxes, with a friend, a lobby-lounger stood | Hence, foreign compliments and wine! up immediately before him, and his person being | Let generous Britons, brave and free, rather large, prevented a sight of the stage. Still boast their punch and honesty. Macklin took fire at this, but managing his pas. Life is a bumper, filled by fate, sion with more temper than usual, patted the in. And we the guests who share the treat; truder on the shoulder with his cane, and gently Where strong, insipid, sharp, and sweet, requested him, "when any thing entertaining oc- Each other duly temp'ring meet; curred upon the stage, to let him and his friend Awhile with joy the scene is crown'd, be apprized of it; for you see, my dear sir," said Awhile the catch and toast go round; the veteran, "that at present we must totally de- And when the full carouse is o'er, pend upon your kindness." Death puffs the light, and shuts the door. Say, then, physicians of each kind, Who cure the body, or the mind; What harm, in drinking, can there be, Since punch and life so well agree? PARLIAMENTARY SLEEPERS. Sheridan, one evening, in the midst of a long debate in the House of Commons, took an opportunity, on perceiving a member rise who was remarkable for prosing, to retreat for the purpose of taking some refreshment. On his return he saw several members who had fallen into a nap; and one among them, remarkable for his corpulency, was snoring in an elevation of tone that might be very distinctly heard, on which the dramatic wit, entering in a hurry, exclaimed in the words of Shakespeare "What's the business, That such a hideous trumpet calls to parley ?" PARADOX. Four people sat down, in one evening to play, No other play'd with them, nor was there one bet, ANSWER. Four merry fiddlers play'd all night, GOUT AND RHEUMATISM A Frenchman, being afflicted with the govt. was asked what difference there was between that and the rheumatism? "One very great diffe rence," replied Monsieur, Suppose you take one vice, you put your finger in, you turn de screw, till you bear him no longer-dat is the rheumatis-den, spose you give him one turn more dat is de gont." ON SIX SORTS OF PEOPLE, WHO KEEP FASTS THE LUDRICOUS MAN. Their 66 Well, what does he want now ?"- "He wants A circumstance occurred some time ago at a out! Then keep him in; keep him in I say, sir." to get out, please your lordship." "Wants to get circuit court of justiciary in Scotland, in the presence of a judge whose peculiarities of temper the persevering man was not to be so easily driven -The obedient officer did as he was directed; but and manner were more than compensated by his from his purpose. many excellent and amiable qualities. Watching an opportunity, lordships and suite had just met, and were pro- dow, he mounted on what is called the sole, and therefore, and elbowing his way to an open winceeding to investigate rather an interesting case, appeared, contrary to all rule, to be meditating his when their deliberations were interrupted by a continued knocking at the outer court-door. escape in that direction; but the vigilant officer Again and again the shrill-tongued nacer ejacu- fresh tumult ensued. His lordship appeared again caught the tartar, and again interfering, a lated," Silence! silence there!" to little or no purpose; but when the judge exclaimed," What's gry, (as well he might), and a third time exthe meaning of all that noise? Macer-officers, no end to this?"—Officer. claimed, "What's the matter now? is there to be what are you about, that you don't put an end to lord."-" What! the same man again? "It's the man, my that constant shuffle-shuffling?"-Officer. Shew a man, my lord."-"A man! what man, sir? here pointed to a respectable-enough looking indime the fellow, and I'll man him."-The officer Who, where is he, and what does he want ?". "He's at the outside, please your lordship, and window-sole, and wanted to get down again." vidual, who, as he said, "had cruppen up on the wants to get in," "Well, keep him out, keep Judge. him out I say, sir!"-The officer bowed or nodded him up; keep him up I say, sir, if it should be to Up on the window-sole! Well, keep assent, and the business of the court proceeded. the day of judgment!" (perhaps his lordship By and bye, however, an individual possessing the meant the hour of judgment.)—It is almost needright of entrée walked into the hall of justice, and less to add, that these successive interruptions "the man," watching his opportunity, slipped in threw the audience into a roar of laughter, and at the same time. By a levity aud restlesness, that the incorrigible man, while held in durance however, by no means uncommon, he had not been on the window-sole, had far more eyes turned well in till be wished to get out again-applying, upon him than either the prisoners or witnesses at perhaps, to a court of law what Chaucer presump- the bar. tuously says of the blessed state of matrimony "It's "Marriage is like a rabble rout-Those that are out would fain be in, And those that are in would fain be out." Was this be began to jostle every body near him, & proceeding which not only created a new hubb, but drew forth a fresh rebuke. Judge. "What's all this now? Even if my ears were as sharp as those of Dionysius, and the room in which Ist a well contrived as the celebrated vault in which he kept his prisoners, it would be imposable for me to hear one word that the witness is nying."-Officer. "It's the man, my lord.""Weal! the same man?”—“The verra same.' SIMILES. TO MOLLY. My passion is as mustard strong; Drunk as a piper all day long, Or like a March-hare mad. I drink, yet can't forget her; If Molly were but kind; Like a stuck pig, I gaping stare, And eye her o'er and o'er; Lean as a rake, with sighs and care, Sleak as a mouse before. Plump as a partridge was I known, And soft as silk my skin; I, melancholy as a cat, Am kept awake to weep; But she, insensible of that, Sound as a top can sleep. Hard is her heart, as flint or stone, And brisk as bottled ale. The God of love, at her approach, The fine men crowd about her; Shall I be, if without her. Strait as my leg, her shape appears; My heart would be scot-free from cares, No drum was ever tighter ; And not the sun is brighter As soft as pap her kisses are; Methinks I taste them yet; Brown as a berry is her hair, Her eyes as black as jet. As smooth as glass, as white as curds, Sharp as a needle are her words; Brisk as a body-louse she trips, Clean as a penny drest; Sweet as a rose her breath and lips, Round as a globe her breast. Full as an egg, was I with glee, And happy as a king! Good Lord! how all men envy'd me But false as hell, she, like the wind, If I and Molly could agree, Let who would take Peru; Let us like burrs together stick, And wish me better speed; And, as a herring, dead. Sure as a gun she'll drop a tear, LORD CLONnmel. The late Lord Clonmel, who never thought ol demanding more than a shilling for an affidavit. used to be well satisfied, provided it was a goo one. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon by takinj a bad one-" You shall true answer make to suci questions as shall be demanded of you touchin this affidavit, so help you God! Is this a goa shilling 7-Are the contents of this affidavit true Is this your name and hand-writing?" IRISH REASONING. An Irish pedlar asked an itinerant poulterer the price of a pair of fowls. "Six shillings, In my dear country, my darling, you aight buy them for sixpence a pace." "Why lan't you remain in your own dear country, ken "Case we have no sixpences, my jewel," aid Pat. GOLD v. Gould. An old gentleman of the name of Gould having arried a very young wife, wrote a poetical pistle to a friend, to inform him of it, and conaded it thus So you see, my dear Sir, though I'm eighty years old, A girl of eighteen is in love with old Gould.” which his friend replied, "A girl of eighteen may love Gould it is true, But believe me, dear sir, it is Gold without U." THE ACTORS. shabby fellow chanc'd one day to meet British Roscius in the street, Garrick.-No! replied the man of rags ; The boards of Drury you and I have trod many a time together, I am sure.ben? with an oath, cried Garrick-for by Ger saw that face of yours before! What characters, I pray,. Did you and I together play? quoth the fellow, think not that I mock-you play'd Hamlet, sir—I play'd the cock. A DISCOVERY. STRIKING A BALANCE. A chimney-sweeper's hoy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny-loaf, and conceiving t to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of dough; you will have the less to carry."—"True," replied the lad, and throwing three-half-pence on the counter, left the shop. The baker called after him that he had not left Sooty; "you will have the less to count," "Never mind that,” said young money enough. UNPLEASANT COMPLIMENT. Mr. Pitt being in company with the late Duchess of Gordon, who spoke the Scotch dialect in the broadest manner, she told him that some of her family had gone to France, and was asked by him why she was not of the party. She said, in answer, "that it was very awkward to be in a country and not know the language."-" Why," said Mr. Pitt, your grace has not found any such inconvenience in England." DOUBLE REMEDY. When the late Judge Grose was presiding during the assizes at Bury St. Edmund's, a dog, which happened to have followed some one into court, gave tongue rather loudly, at the same time with one of the barristers. Immediately there was a cry of" Turn that dog out!" but his lordship said, "Turn out the man he belongs to, and we shall soon get rid of the dog." TO-MORROW. To-morrow you will live, you always cry; |