HARD AT THE BOTTOM.

QUALIFICATIONS FOR A KINSMAN. A traveller riding down a steep hill, and fearing Sir Nicholas Bacon heing once in the capacity the foot of it was unsound, called out to a man of a judge on the point of passing sentence upon who was ditching, and asked him “if it was hard a fellow just found guilty of a robbery, the culat the bottom."" Aye," answered the country-prit alleged he had the honour of being one of Inan," it is hard enough at the bottom, I warrant his lordship's relations. "How do you prove you." The traveller, however, had not rode half-that?" said Sir Nicholas. "My lord," replied a-dozen yards, before the horse sunk up to the the man, your name is Bacon and my name is saddle-skirts. Why you villain," said he, Hog, and hog and bacon have in all ages been calling out to the ditcher, "did not you tell me reckoned akin."-" That is trae," answered the it was hard at the bottom ?"-" Aye," replied the judge; "but hog is never bacon till it has been fellow," but you are not half-way to the bottom hung, and therefore, until you are hung, you can yet." be no relation of mine."

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ON A BOWL OF PUNCH.

Whene'er a bowl of punch we make
Four striking opposites we take ;

The strong, the small, the sharp, the sweet,
Together mix'd most kindly meet ;
And when they happily unite,
The bowl" is pregnant with delight.",

In conversation thus we find,
That four men differently inclin'd ;
With talents each distinct, and each
Mark'd by peculiar powers of speech;
With tempers too, as much the same,
As milk and verjuice, frost and flame:
Their parts, by properly sustaining,
May all prove highly entertaining.

LIBERALITY.

A gentleman much against the custom of giving is servants, where he dined, resolved to play them a trick on his next visit. He collected about a dezen farthings, and as they stood in two rows, farming an avenue, when he left the house, be distributed one to each alternately right and left; by the time he had given the last, the butler, with whom he had begun, perceived his donation, and respectfully advancing, began to stammer out napology," I believe, sir, you have made a slight mistake you have Oh, no," d the gentleman, I never give less."

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CHINA AND CROCKERY.

A lady of rank one day remarked to a large company of visitors, that the three classes of the community, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, might very well be compared to the tea-drinking utensils, china, delft, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who was in the nursery. On this the footman was dispatched with orders to the nursery-maid, to whom he called out from the bottom of the stairs, in an audible voice, hollo crockery, bring down little china."

A HINT IN SEASON.

When an attempt was made, some years ago, to prove Lord Harborough an idiot, the counsel on both sides produced the same instance-one of his wit, the other of his folly. His servants were once puzzled to unpack a large box, and his lordship advised them to do with it as they did with an oyster, to put it into the fire, and it would gape.

MODESTY.

An Irishwoman once called upon an apothecary with a sick infant, when the apothecary gave her some powder, of which he ordered as much as would lie on a sixpence to be given every morning; the woman replied, " perhaps your honour will lend me a sixpence the while, as I hav'n't got one at all."

DELICATE REPROOF.

ON PUNCH.

Macklin, sitting one night at the back of the Hence, restless care, and low design' front boxes, with a friend, a lobby-lounger stood | Hence, foreign compliments and wine! up immediately before him, and his person being | Let generous Britons, brave and free, rather large, prevented a sight of the stage. Still boast their punch and honesty. Macklin took fire at this, but managing his pas. Life is a bumper, filled by fate, sion with more temper than usual, patted the in. And we the guests who share the treat; truder on the shoulder with his cane, and gently Where strong, insipid, sharp, and sweet, requested him, "when any thing entertaining oc- Each other duly temp'ring meet; curred upon the stage, to let him and his friend Awhile with joy the scene is crown'd, be apprized of it; for you see, my dear sir," said Awhile the catch and toast go round; the veteran, "that at present we must totally de- And when the full carouse is o'er, pend upon your kindness." Death puffs the light, and shuts the door. Say, then, physicians of each kind, Who cure the body, or the mind; What harm, in drinking, can there be, Since punch and life so well agree?

PARLIAMENTARY SLEEPERS.

Sheridan, one evening, in the midst of a long debate in the House of Commons, took an opportunity, on perceiving a member rise who was remarkable for prosing, to retreat for the purpose of taking some refreshment. On his return he saw several members who had fallen into a nap; and one among them, remarkable for his corpulency, was snoring in an elevation of tone that might be very distinctly heard, on which the dramatic wit, entering in a hurry, exclaimed in the words of Shakespeare

"What's the business,

That such a hideous trumpet calls to parley ?"

PARADOX.

Four people sat down, in one evening to play,
They play'd all that eve, and parted next day;
Cou'd you think, when you're told, as thus they
all set,

No other play'd with them, nor was there one bet,
Yet, when they rose up, each gain'd a guinea,
Tho' none of them lost the amount of a penny.

ANSWER.

Four merry fiddlers play'd all night,
To many a dancing ninny;
And the next morning went away,
And each receiv'd a guinea..

GOUT AND RHEUMATISM

A Frenchman, being afflicted with the govt. was asked what difference there was between that and the rheumatism? "One very great diffe rence," replied Monsieur, Suppose you take one vice, you put your finger in, you turn de screw, till you bear him no longer-dat is the rheumatis-den, spose you give him one turn more dat is de gont."

ON SIX SORTS OF PEOPLE, WHO KEEP FASTS
The miser fasts because he will not eat,
The poor man fasts, because he has no meat;
The rich man fasts, with greedy mind to spare
The glutton fasts, to eat the greater share;
The hypocrite, he fasts, to seem more holy,
The righteous man, to punish sin and folly.

THE LUDRICOUS MAN.

Their

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Well, what does he want now ?"- "He wants A circumstance occurred some time ago at a out! Then keep him in; keep him in I say, sir." to get out, please your lordship." "Wants to get circuit court of justiciary in Scotland, in the presence of a judge whose peculiarities of temper the persevering man was not to be so easily driven -The obedient officer did as he was directed; but and manner were more than compensated by his from his purpose. many excellent and amiable qualities. Watching an opportunity, lordships and suite had just met, and were pro- dow, he mounted on what is called the sole, and therefore, and elbowing his way to an open winceeding to investigate rather an interesting case, appeared, contrary to all rule, to be meditating his when their deliberations were interrupted by a continued knocking at the outer court-door. escape in that direction; but the vigilant officer Again and again the shrill-tongued nacer ejacu- fresh tumult ensued. His lordship appeared again caught the tartar, and again interfering, a lated," Silence! silence there!" to little or no purpose; but when the judge exclaimed," What's gry, (as well he might), and a third time exthe meaning of all that noise? Macer-officers, no end to this?"—Officer. claimed, "What's the matter now? is there to be what are you about, that you don't put an end to lord."-" What! the same man again? "It's the man, my that constant shuffle-shuffling?"-Officer. Shew a man, my lord."-"A man! what man, sir? here pointed to a respectable-enough looking indime the fellow, and I'll man him."-The officer Who, where is he, and what does he want ?". "He's at the outside, please your lordship, and window-sole, and wanted to get down again." vidual, who, as he said, "had cruppen up on the wants to get in," "Well, keep him out, keep Judge. him out I say, sir!"-The officer bowed or nodded him up; keep him up I say, sir, if it should be to Up on the window-sole! Well, keep assent, and the business of the court proceeded. the day of judgment!" (perhaps his lordship By and bye, however, an individual possessing the meant the hour of judgment.)—It is almost needright of entrée walked into the hall of justice, and less to add, that these successive interruptions "the man," watching his opportunity, slipped in threw the audience into a roar of laughter, and at the same time. By a levity aud restlesness, that the incorrigible man, while held in durance however, by no means uncommon, he had not been on the window-sole, had far more eyes turned well in till be wished to get out again-applying, upon him than either the prisoners or witnesses at perhaps, to a court of law what Chaucer presump- the bar. tuously says of the blessed state of matrimony

"It's

"Marriage is like a rabble rout-Those that are out would fain be in, And those that are in would fain be out." Was this be began to jostle every body near him, & proceeding which not only created a new hubb, but drew forth a fresh rebuke. Judge. "What's all this now? Even if my ears were as sharp as those of Dionysius, and the room in which Ist a well contrived as the celebrated vault in which he kept his prisoners, it would be imposable for me to hear one word that the witness is nying."-Officer. "It's the man, my lord.""Weal! the same man?”—“The verra same.'

SIMILES. TO MOLLY.

My passion is as mustard strong;
I sit all sober sad;

Drunk as a piper all day long,

Or like a March-hare mad.
Round as a hoop the bumpers flow,

I drink, yet can't forget her;
For, tho' as drunk as David's sow,
I love her still the better.
Pert as a pear-monger, I'd be,

If Molly were but kind;
Cool as a cucumber could see
The rest of woman-kind,