A FRIEND in need.

AN AGREEMENT.

An actor, who was performing Careless in the Colonel Chartres agreed to purchase the timbe School for Scandal, saying to Charles, in the pic-of a large estate in the north, from a young beid ture scene," What shall we do for a hammer?" and pay the whole money as soon as he had co A carpenter in the gallery, who had one in his down the last tree, which agreement was accepte apron-string, threw it on the stage, saying, "Now, of. His labourers were immediately set to work go on, my lad, there's a hammer for you." and they cut away with uncommon expedition til they came to the last tree, where they halted, and left it standing, as well as the purchase-mone)

USELESS ECONOMY.

MUTUAL PITY.

Tom ever jovial, ever gay,

A gentleman went to dine one day with an emi-unpaid, until the death of the colonel. nent physician, who was remarkable for his attachment to money. As soon as the doctor arrived, he went to his desk to deposit the fees he had received in the morning. "Pray," said his friend, "what are you about ?"-" I am laying up treasure in heaven," replied the doctor. "The more fool you," rejoined the inquirer," for you'll never go there to enjoy it."

AN ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.

Garrick once asked Rich, the manager of the theatre, how much he thought Covent-garden would hold. "I could tell you to a shilling," replied the manager, “if you would play Richard in it."

THE AVARO.

Thus to the master of a house,

Which, like a church, would starve a mouse;
Which never guest had entertain'd,

Nor meat, nor wine, its floors had stain'd;
I said;-" Well, sir, 'tis vastly neat;
But where d' you drink, and where d' you eat?
If one may judge, by rooms so fine,
It costs you more in mops than wine,"

INVITATION declined.

A thief being about to be hanged, the ordinary bade him be of good cheer," for this night," said he," thou shalt sup with the Lord in Paradise." "I am much obliged to you," replied the other, "but I had rather be excused, for I am no supperman."

To appetite a slave,

Still whores and drinks his life away,
And laughs to see me grave.

'Tis thus that we two disagree,

So diff'rent is our whim;
The fellow fondly laughs at me,
While I could cry for him.

DEAN SWIFT.

66

Dean Swift's barber one day told him that h had taken a public-house. "And what's you sign?" said the dean. Oh, the pole and hason and if your worship would just write me a fe lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I have doubt but it would draw me plenty of custom ers." The dean took out his pencil and wrote th following couplet.

"Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here, Where nought excels the shaving, but the beer.

ONE EVIL BETTER THAN TWO.

A merchant having sustained a considerable los desired his son not to mention it to any body The youth promised silence, but at the same tim requested to know what advantage could atten it. "If you divulge this loss," said the father we shall have two evils to support instead one-our own grief, and the joy of our neighbours.

66

BOUNDLESS AMBITION.

The late Hely Hutchinson was so ambitious
that the Marquis of Townshend said of him, "If
England and Ireland were given to him, he would
solicit the Isle of Man for a potatoe garden.”
ON A HASTY MARRIAGE.

Marry'd! 'tis well! a mighty blessing!
But poor's the joy no coin possessing.
In ancient times, when folks did wed,
'Twas to be one at "board and bed ;”.
But hard his case, who can't afford
His charmer either bed or board.

ACCOMMODATION.

During the French Revolution, a British admiral was one day told by a gentleman, "that he would find the French fight in a different way now, as they would fight for their liberties.”—“ 1 am glad to hear it," said the gallant officer," for they have hitherto given us a d-d deal of trouble reaning after them."

THE WICKEDNESS OF MAN. Malherbe, speaking of the wickedness of mankind, said, "Why when there were only three or r persons in the world, one of them killed his

Brother."

DULL COMPANY.

Be one saying to a gentleman who had been ister at several courts, what a happy man he have been to have conversed with so many wwwned heads. "Faith," replied he, "I never lefnd that out; they were the dullest com1 ever kept."

VARIETY OF PIES.

POVERTY.

Villiers, the witty and extravagant Duke of Buckingham, was saying one day to a friend," I am afraid I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world."" Upon my word, my lord," said his friend, "there is another thing more terrible, which you have reason to apprehend, and that is, that you will live a beggar at the rate you go on."

THE DROPSICAL MAN.

A jolly, brave toper, who could not forbear, Though his life was in danger, old port and stale beer,

drink on,

Gave the doctor the hearing-but still would
Till the dropsy had swell'd him as big as a ton;
The more he took physic, the worse still he grew,
And tapping was now the last thing he could do.
Affairs at this crisis, and doctors come down,
He began to consider-so sent for his son.
Tom, see by what courses I've shorten'd my life,
I'm leaving the world ere I'm forty and five;
More than probable 'tis, that in twenty-four hours,
This manor, this house, and estate will be yours;
My early excesses may teach you this truth,
That 'tis working for death to drink hard in one's
youth.

Says Tom (who's a lad of generous spirit,
And not like young rakes, who're in haste to in
herit)

Sir, don't be dishearten'd; although it be true,
The operation is painful, and hazardous too,
'Tis no more than what many a man has gone
through.

wift was once asked by a lady what he would
for dinner? Will you have an apple-pie, young,
ll you have a gooseberry-pie, sir?-will Your life after this may be happy and long.
have a cherry-pie, sir ?—will you have a cur-Don't flatter me, Tom, was the father's reply,
-pie, vir ?~~will you have a plum-pie, sir ?— With a jest in his mouth and a tear in his eye:
you hire a pigeon-pie, sir?"-" Any pie, Too well, by experience, my vessels thou know'st,

And then, as for years, you may yet be called

swered Swift," but a mag-pie." No sooner are tapp'd, but they give up the ghost.

COMPLAINTS ON BOTH sides.

CHANCERY.

A lieutenant-colonel of one of the Irish regi- A young gentleman, who had stolen a ward, ments in the French service, being dispatched to being in suit for her fortune before a late lordthe king, with a complaint relating to some irre-chancellor, and the counsel insisting much on the gularities that had happened in the regiment, his equity of decreeing her a fortune for their mainmajesty told him, that the Irish troops gave him tenance, his lordship turned briskly upon him more uneasiness than all his forces besides. "Sir," with this sentence, "That, since the suitor had said the officer," all you majesty's enemies make stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he the same complaint." could."

THE SAILOR'S STARS.

THE CONSCIENTIOUS HERO.

A merchant-ship was so violently tossed in a In 1740, Frederick of Prussia set out for Sistorm, that all despaired of safety, and betook lesia with 30,000 men. It was proposed to adorn themselves to prayer, except one mariner, who his standard with the motto Pro Deo et Patriawas continually exclaiming, "Oh, that I could" For God and my Country." Frederick erased see two stars, or but one of the two!" At length a person asked him, "what two stars, or what one star he meant?" He replied, "Oh! that I could see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman-street, I don't care which."

the name of God, observing, “That it was improper to introduce the name of the Deity in the quarrels of men, and that he was going to war for a Province and not for Religion."

ON A BAD SINGER.

When screech-owls screech, their note portends
To foolish mortals death of friends;
But when Corvina strains her throat,
E'en screech-owls sicken at the note.

GARRICK'S SATIRE.

Garrick was on a visit at Hagley, when new came that a company of players were going t perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttleton said t

ON A STATUE OF APOLLO CROWNING MERIT. Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neigh Merit, if thou'rt blest with riches,

For God's sake buy a pair of breeches,

And give them to thy naked brother,
For one good turn deserves another.

ENGLISH AND IRISH.

bourhood, and will ask you to write an address t the Birmingham · audience.”—“ Suppose, then said Garrick, without the least hesitaiton, begin thus

Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feelAn English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, 0," ," cried his lordship, "if you begin the who was an Irishman, what was the reason that they will hiss the players off the stage, and p his countrymen were so remarkable for blunder- the house down."—" My lord,” said Garri ing?"Faith," said the knight, "there is some-" what is the use of an address, if it does thing in the air of Ireland; and, I dare say, if an come home to the business and bosoms of the Englishman was born there he would do the same."dience?"

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER

Says epicure Quin, should the devil in hell
In fishing for men take delight,

And his hook bait with ven’son, I love it so well,
Indeed I am sure I should bite.

GEORGE III. AND MR. DAY.

When Judge Day returned from India, the prime-minister represented to his late majesty at knighthood was an honour to which the judge was entitled, "Poh, poh," said his majesty," I cannot turn day into night; it is imposAt the next levee, which was about Christmas, his majesty was again entreated to knight Mr. Day. The king inquired if he was married, and was answered in the affirmative. Well, well," said the monarch," then let him introduced, and I will work a couple of mibetes, I will not only turn Day into Knight, but will also make Lady Day at Christmas."

PHILOSOPHER OUTWITTED.

A learned doctor being very busy in his study, Tittle girl came to ask him for some fire. But, mys the doctor, "you have nothing to it in."-As he was going to fetch something Cal purpose, the little girl stooped down at fire-place, and taking some cold ashes on one she put live embers on them with the other. anished doctor threw down his books, saywith all my learning, I should never have eat that expedient.”

COURTLY HINT.

ay, at the levee of Louis XIV. that mo-
ked nobleman present, "How many

children have you?". -"Four, sire." Shortly
"Four,.
after, the king asked the same question.
sire," replied the nobleman. The same question
was several times repeated by the king in the
course of conversation, and the same answer was
given. At length the king asking once more,—
How many children have you?" the nobleman
replied, "Six, sire."-" What," cried the king,
with surprise, six! you told me four, just now.
"Sire," replied the courtier, "I thought your
majesty would be tired of hearing the same thing
so often,"

66

HODGE AND THE DOCTOR.

With a big bottle-nose, and an acre of chin,
His whole physiognomy ugly as sin,
With a huge grizzle wig, and triangular hat,
And a snuff-besmear'd handkerchief tied over that,
Doctor Bos, riding out on his old Rozinante,
In hair very rich, but in flesh very scanty,
Was a little alarm'd out of fear for his bones,
Seeing Hodge cross the way with a barrow of

stones.

Ilip! friend, cried the doctor, with no little force,
Do set down your barrow, you'll frighten my

horse.

Hodge quickly replied, like an Erskine or Garrow,
You're a great deal more likely to frighten my

barrow.

PRACTICAL EQUIVOQUE

A young lady having purchased an assortment of music in a warehouse, on returning to her carriage recollected a piece she had forgotten. "Sir," she said, re-entering the shop," there is one thing I have omitted."-" What is that, madam?" inquired the young music-seller. "It is, sir," said the lady," One kind kiss before we part,' saluted the fair stranger. on which the youth vaulted over the table, and

BALANCE OF BEAUTY.

A man of fashion, who was remarkably illlooking, but very vain, kept a valet, whose coun

On Dr. Lettsom's manner of signing his pre- hoped they would be better than the last. T