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PAIR OF SPECTACLES.
eow," said he, “ Wbat times are these, when beg- coach overturned, and asking what the matter Far, must be chonsers! I say, bring this fellow a way, he was told that three or four members of mog of strong beer."
parliament were overturned in that coach.
“Oh,” says he, “there let them be, my father PROOF OF AUTHORITY.
always advised me not to meddle with state afA gentleman speaking to his servant, said, “Ifairs," believe I command more than any utan; for before
ROAD TO HEAVEN. uy servant will obey me in any thing, I must command him ten times over.”
A charitable divinr, for the benefit of the
country where he resided, commenced a large A COWARD'S WOUNDS.
causeway, and as he was one day overlooking the A soldier was boasting before Julius Cæsar of work, a certain nobleman passed by, “Wel, the wounds he had received in his face"; Cæsar doctor,” said he, “notwithstanding your pains knowing him to be a coward, told him he had best and charity, I don't take this to be the bighway take care the next time he ran away, how he look- to heaven.”—“Very true, my lord,” replied the ed back.
doctor, “ for if it had, I should have wondered to
meet your lordship here." BAD COMPANY.' A profligate yonng nobleman being in company with some soher people, desired leave to const Two brothers were to be executed for some the devil; the gentleman who sat next to him enormous crime, the eldest was turned off first, said, " he had no objection to any of his lordship's without speaking ; the other, mounting the ladder, friends."
began to harangue the crowd, " Good people,' DISCRIMINATIVE EPITHETS.
said he, my brother hangs before my face, and
you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes ; in A Scotchman was very angry with an English a few moments shall be turned o'ff too, and then pratleman, who he said had abused bim, and you will see a pair of spectacles.” alled him false Scol. ** Indeed,” said the Eng. Shman, " I said no such thing, but that you were
INSOLVENCY. a trtu Scot."
A person enquiring what became of a friend? DANGEROL'S SYMPTOMS.
Oh, dear,” said one of the company, ponr The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak fellow, he died insolvent, and wng buried by the sich feary thc Foursh of France, met with a phy- parish." -.“ Died insolvent !" cries another, fan who had renounced the Protestant religion,
is that's a lie, for he died in England, I am sure, and embraced the popish communion, whom they I was at his burying.” brou la revile most grievously. The king hear
PARTNERSHIP. leg of it, told the di puties, he advised them to strange their religion too, For it is a dangerous
A countryman having bonght a barn in partner. raptors," said be, " that your religion is not ship with a neighbour, neglected to make the lang-lived, when a physician has given it over.” least use of it, whilst the other had plentifully
stored his with corn and hay. In a little time PARLIAMENTARY BUSINESS.
the latter came to him and expostulated with him A countryman passing along the Strand, sau :1 about laying ont his money so fruitlessly. “ Pray,
LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. neighbour," says he,“ never trouble your head, or they have furnished examples of hair-brained you may do what you will with your part of the prowess, which I have ncither the opportunity nor barn, but I will sci mine on fire."
the inclinatiou to follow. But old Jack Falstaff!
kind Jack Falstaff! sweet Jack Falstaff has enTHE BOAR'S HEAD TAVBRN.
larged the boundaries of human enjoyment; he As I honour all established usages of my bre-has ndded vast regions of wit and good bomour, thren of the quill, I thought it but proper to con- in which the poorest man may revel; and has betribute my mite of homage to the memory of queated a never-failing inheritance of jolly laughShakspeare, our illustrious bard. I was for some ter, to make mankind merrier to the latest postetime, however, sorely puzzled in what way I should rity. discharge this duty. I found myself anticipated A thought suddenly struck me; “I will make in every attempt at a new reading. Every doubt- a pilgrimage to Easicheap,” said I, closing the ful line had been explained a dozen different ways, book, " and see if the old Boar's Head Tavern still and perplexed beyond the reach of elacidation; exists. Who knows but I may light upon some and, as to fine passages, they had been amply legeodary traces of Dame Quickly and her guests praised by previous admirers ; nay, so completely at any rate, there will be a kindred pleasure in had the bard of late been overlarded with pane-treading the halls once vocal with their mirth, to gyric by a great German critic, that it was diffi- that the toper enjoys in smelling the empty cask cult now to find even a fault that had not been once filled with generous wine." argued into a beauty.
The resolution was no sooner formed than pot In this perplexity, I was one morning turning in execution. I forbear to treat of the various adover his pages, when I casually opened upon the ventures and wonders I encountered in my travels ; comic scenes of Henry IV., and was, in a moment, of the haunted regions of Cock-lane ; of the faded completely lost in the madcap revelry of the Boar's glories of Little Britain and the parts adjacent; Head Tavern. So vividly and naturally are these what perils I ran at Cateaton-street and old Jew. scenes of humour depicted, and with such force ry; of the renowned Guildhall and its two stunted and consistency are the characters sustained, that giants, the pride and wonder of the city, and the they become miogled up io the mind with the facts terror of all unlucky urchins; and how I visited and personages of real life. To few readers does London Stone, and struck my staff apon it, in imta it occur, that these are all ideal creations of a poet's tation of that arch-rebel, Jack Cade. Let it suffice brain, and that, in sober truth, no such knot of to say, that I at length arrived in merry Eastchenp, merry roysters ever enlivened the dull neighbour- that ancient region of wit and wassail, where the hood of Eastcheap.
very names of the streets relished of good cheer, For my part, I love to give myself ap to the as Pudding-lane bears testimony even at the pre illusions of poetry. A hero of fictiou, that never sent day. For Eastcheap, says old Stow, "was existed, is just as valuable to me as a hero of his- always famous for its convivial doings. The cookes tory that existed a thousand years since; and, if I cried hot ribbes of beef rosted, pies well baked. may be excused such an insensibility to the coin- and other victuels ; there was clottering, of pen ter mon ties of human pature, I would not give up pots, harpe, pipe, and saw trie." Alas! how sadly fat Jack for half the great men of ancient chroni. is the scene changed since the roaring days of Falcle. What have the heroes of yore done for me, staff and old Stow! the madcap royster bas given or men like me? They have conquered countries, place to the plodding tradesman ; the clattering of which I do not enjoy an acre; or they have of pots, and the sound of “harpe and saw trie," gained laurels of which I do not inherit a leaf ; the din of carts and the accursed dinging of the
destman's bell; and no song is heard, save, haply,
TOWN TALK the strain of some syren from Billingsgale, chaunting the eulogy of deceased mackarel.
King Charles II. being in company with Lord i sought in rain for the ancient dwelling of the jester, came in.
Rochester and others of the vobility, Killigrew, Dame Quickly. The only relic of it is a boar's chall hear pf our faults.”_" No, faith,” said Kil
“Now," said the king," head, carred iu relief, in stone, which formerly served as the sign; but, at present, is built into the higrew,.“I don't care to trouble my head with
that which all the town talks of." parting line of two houses, which stand on the site of tbe regowned old tavern,
JEFFERIES AND THE WITNESS. WASHINGTON Irving. When Lord Jefferies, before he was a judge, THE ACCOMMODATING BARBER.
one day pleading at the bar, he called out to
a witness against his client, “ Hark! you fellow Kaid a fop to a boy, at a barber's one day,
in the leathern doublet, what have you for swearTo make a display of his wit,
ing!" To which the witness replied, “ Faith, sir, My lad, did you e'er shave a monkey, pray? if you have no more for lying, than I have for For yoo srem for nought else to be fit."
swearing, you might e'en wear a leathern doublet * I never did yet," said the boy, “ I confess;
too." Share a nonkey, indeed, no not I;
Judge Jefferies one day told an old fellow with
a long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience MAKING SHIFTS.
as long as his beard. • Does your lordship," reA young lady married a very wild spark, who plied the old man,"measure consciences by beards! buon ran througl a fortune, and was reduced to If so, your lordship has none at all.” we straights. One day she said to her husband, to THE AUTHOR OF AN EPITAPH ON DR. MEAN. My dear, I want some shifts sadly:"-"D-me, Mead's not dead then, you say, only sleeping a
idam," replied he," how can that be, when we wake so maoy every day."
Why, cgad ! sir, you've hit it off there to a tittle ; THE SEVEN BISHOPS.
Yet, friend, his awaking I very much doubt, When the Prince of Orange came over at the Pluto knows who he's got, and will ne'er let him tirse of the Resolution, five of the seven bishops
out. mat wcre sent to the Tower declared for his high
CI.ERICAL WISDOM. , and the two others would not come into
A nobleman one day asked a bishop, why he neares; upon which Mr. Dryden
said, " That conferred orders on so many blockheads ? « Oh, be seer golden candlesticks were sent to be assyed in the Tower, and five of them proved to be be pluughed by asses than lie quite untilled."
my lord," said he, “it is better the ground should Rise's actal."
DOWNHILL JCURNEY ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE.
A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called his A Lady remarkably shorl in staturc,
coachman, who had been an old servavt, and said, Thrice happy Ton- I think him so ;
'Ah, Tom, I am going a long and rugged jour. For sark the poel's song
ney, worse than ever you drove me,"-"Oh, dear * Mas wants but litlle here below,
sir," replied the fellow,“ let not that discourage Nor wants that little long."
you, it is all down hill."*
HORSE AND ASS
“What is the reason that you use me thus ?
I lov'd you ever, but 'tis no matter ; A jastice of the peace seeing a parron on a Let Hercules himself do what he may, stately horse, between London and Hainpsiead, The cat will mew, the dog will have his day." " Doctor," said he,“ you don't follow the example of your great Master, who was humbly much into the quarrel, as to throw bim out of the
Stimulated by a desire to excel, he entered to content to ride upon an ass."-" Why really, words, and he spoke it thus—" I lov'd you eversir," replied the parson, "the king has made so but it is no matter--let Hercules himself do what many asses justices, that an honest clergyınan can he may-the dog will mew-no that is the cathardly find one to ride."
the cat will do the dog will mew-10 that's
wrong-the cat will bark -no that's the dog-thr HOPES AND FEARS.
dog will mew-no tbat's the cat-the cat will-20 On his death-bed poor Simon lies,
the dog-the cat — the dog - Pshaw! Pho! its His spouse is in despair,
something about mewing and barking, but as I With frequent sobs, and rootual cries, hope to be saved, ladies and gentlemen, T Dow They both express their care.
nothing more about it,"' A diff'rent cause, says parson Sly, Tóe same effect may give ;
INEXPERIENCE. Poor Simon fears that he shall die,
A certain citizen, who had suddenly risen into His wife-that he may live.
wealth, from a very low condition of life, standing
up in the pit of the opera one evening, with his USURY
hat on, a lady whispered to another, " we must
forgive that man, he has been so little vsed to A village parson in his sermon one day; vehe- the luxury of a hat, that he does not koow when mently inveighed against usury, and said, that
to pull it off.” lending money upon interest was as great a sin as wilful murder. Soon after this he had occasion
On the death Of A LADY'S Cat. to borrow twenty pounds himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the other And is Miss Tabby from the world retird? asked him, "if he would have him guilty of a And are her lives, all her nine lives expir'd ? crime he spoke so much against, and lend out what sounds so moving, as her own can tell money upon use "-" No," said the parson, “I How Tabby dy'd, how full of play she fell ! would have you lend it gratis.”_" Ay," replied Begin, ye luneful nine, a mournful strife, the other," but in my opinion, if lending money And ev'ry muse shall celebrate a life. upon ase be as bad as toilful murder, lending it gratis can be little better than felo-de-se.”
THE HOLY FISHERMAN,
A certain cardinal had uniformly a pel placer
upon his table at dinner, in token of humility To the early part of Foote's career, he played and allusise to the trade of his father, who ha the part of Hamlet at Bath, for his own benefit. been a fisherman. As soon as the cardinal as He went through the part tolerably well in the rived at the Pontificate, this ceremony was die comical way, until he came to the last act and continued; on being asked the reason, in the scene where he quarrels with Lacrles boliness replied, " that the fish was now caught
THE BETTER JUDGE.
BARRY, THE PAINTER. In an engagement at sea a sailor hoisted on his Although this artist could paiot portraits, yet lack one of his comrades, who had been pro. he had a great antipathy to the employment. The nounced dead by the doctor, to heave him over. Duke of Norfolk going to his house, with a desire board. The supposed dead man, however, spoke, of engaging him to paint his portrait, met a man and asked where he was bearing him. " To coining down the stairs with iwo pails of white. Dasy Jones's Jocker," said the sailor, “I am wash. The duke, taking him for a bricklayer's col dead, messmate," replied the other. “You labourer, asked him if Mr. Barry was within? are a lying rascal for your pains,” replied the “ I am Mr. Barry,” replied the other, bluntly, sailor. ** the doctor said you were dead! How, His grace, recovering from his surprise, explained can you know better than the doctor?"
the object of his visit. " Not I," said the artist,
go to that fellow in Cavendish-square, (meaning LAUDABLE DECEPTION.
Romney) he'll paint your face for you." Just before the appearance of the latter half of
PHILOSOPHY Jobason's Poets, a gentlemao said to him, " So, doctor, a gentleman at the bar writes Young's life
A German professor had collected a valuable for you." "Yes, sir," said Johnson,
it is true,
cabinet of curiosities, which he highly prized, and I thought be would have done it very well; one morning a friend came to tell him a very unbrit the rogue has deceived me sadly, sir; he has pleasant circumstance, that he had seen a man get dope it a good deal better than I thought he was by a ladder into a window of the Professor's house.
" Into which window?” cried the philosopher, capable of doing it."
“ I am sorry to say,” replied his friend," it was INNUMERABILIA.
your daughter's.''--"O man,” said the other, Can you count the silver lights,
you alınost frightened me! I thought it had That deck the skies, and cheer the nights ;
been into my cabinet." Or the leaves that strew the vales,
DEAN swift's CURATE. When groves are seript by winter gales ;
I march'd three iniles thro’scorching sand, Or the drops that in the morn
With zal in heart, and votes in hand; Hang with transparent pearl the thorn;
I rode four moore to greet St. Mary ; Or bridegroom's joys, or miser's cares,
Using four legs, when two were weary. Or ganester's oaths, or hermit's prayers
To tbree fair virgins I did tie men, Or envy's pangs, or love's alarms,
Io the close bands of pleasing Hymen;
I dipt two babes in holy water,
And purify'd their mothers after.
Within an hour and eke an half, When the friends of the youngest Thelluson pro I preach'd three congregations deaf, Med making him a member of parliament, he Which, thuyd'ring out with lungs long-winded, We," he did not understand exactly what it was I chopt so fast, that few there minded. in bor lo parliament, or what they meant by con My emblem the laborivus sun, PUIG *** in the conntry: but, if tliere was any Saw all these mighty labours done, becany to gn backwards and forwards for their Before one race of his was run. Lodes, for could trot down as fast as any inember! All this perform'd by Robert Hewitt, si parliaarut in the kingdom.
What mortal else cou'd e'er go through it?