mother, both of whom were extremely ill. "Yes," said the general," honour your' father and your mother, that your days may be long." POPE'S VERACITY. Pope Alexander VIth, used to say, when re minded of promises he never intended to perform, "It is true I did make a promise, but I did not take an oath to keep it." ON AN UCLY OLD WOMAN. Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung, PRUDENT ADVICE. Among the tombs in Westminster-abbey is one to the memory of a nabob who is said to have ac quired a large fortune in the east by dishonourable means. The monument describes the resurrection; the defunct is represented as rising from the grave, with astonishment in his face, and opening a curtain to see what is the matter. Some wag wrote under the figure: Lie still if you're wise; You'll be damn'd if you rise. ON A MISER AND A SPENDTHRIFT. What flames, what darts, what anguish I endur'd!T' increase that wealth he wants a soul to spend; But when the candle enter'd, I was cur'd. ROYAL REGULATION. Poor Shifter does his whole contrivance set STAUNCH PIETY. When George the Second was once told by some of his confidential friends, that every thing was complained of, and that the people were extremely dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public payments, he, in great wrath, sent for the Duke of Newcastle, his prime-minister, and told him he General Kirk, who had served many years a would no longer suffer such infamous delays, but Tangiers, was pressed by James the Second to be was determined to inspect and regulate the ac- come a proselyte to the Romish religion, Kiri counts himself; and for this purpose he command-expressed great concern that it was not in hi ed that the proper papers should be immediately power to comply with his majesty's desire, becaus sent to St. James's. They shall be sent to your he was really pre-engaged. The king smiled, an majesty to-morrow;" replied the duke. When asked him what he meant ? "Why, truly," an the king rose in the morning, and hooked out of swered Kirk," when I was abroad, I promise his window, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I change each tied with red tape, unloading in the area. my religion I would turn Mahometan; I neve Enquiring what they were, he was told they came did break my word in my life, and I beg leave from the Duke of Newcastle; to whom he sent to say I never will." know what it meant." They are the papers for examination," said the duke; "twelve more waggons-load for your majesty's inspection shall In a storm at sea, the chaplain asked one of th be sent in the course of the day."- For my in-crew, if he thought there was any danger. spection!" replied the enraged monarch; for yes," replied the sailor; "if it blows as hard my inspection! the devil's chief clerk may inspect it does now, we shall all be in heaven before twel them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Je- o'clock at night." The chaplain terrified at t rusalem." expression, cried out," The Lord forbid." A PARSON'S DREAD. A SEA-HORSE. The Captain of a West-Indiaman having bought a horse, said to the jocky,' "Well, now the horse is mine, pray tell me candidly whether he has any faults, and what they are." "What do you mean to do with him?" said the other. "Why, to take him to sea," answered the captain. Then I will be candid," replied the jockey, "he may go very well at sea; but on land he cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him." GRATITUDE. Sir Robert Walpole, during his long administration, was always averse to motions (though many were made) against the publishers of parliamentary debates," because," said he, good naaredly, they make better speeches for us than we do for ourselves." THE WELSHMAN AND HIS HOST. A Welshman coming late into an inn, THE INGENIOUS LAWYER. A counsellor was one day asked by a judge why le was always employed in knavish causes. "Why, my lord," said the counsellor, "I have so much in the habit of losing good causes, Far I think I had better undertake bad ones." LITERARY EXTRAVAGANCE. UNEXPECTED MEETING. A young author was reading a tragedy to agentleman, who soon discovered that he was a great plagiarist. The poet perceiving his auditor verv often pull off his hat at the end of a line, asked him the reason. "I cannot pass an old acquaintance,” replied the critic," without that civility.” EPIGRAM. It is a maxim in the schools, WHITE-WASHING GENIUS. A wretched artist was talking pompously about decorating the ceiling of his saloon. 1 am white-washing it,' said he," and in a short time I shall begin painting.”—“ I think you had better," replied one of his audience, " paint it first, and then white-wash it." NEGATIVE SUCCESS OF A PLAY. which a very dull play was talked of, attempted A person being present at a conversation in a defence of it by saying. "it was not hissed."True," " said another, " I grant you that; but no one can hiss and gape at the same time." TRIVIAL WAGER. exclaimed a warm and duil orator, to the presi "I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong." dent Montesquieu in an argument. "I accept friends has a value." it," replied the philosopher; any trifle among BITER BIT. Mr. Andrew Cherry, the performer, having reA writer in one of the reviews, was boasting,ceived an offer for an engagement from a manager, be was in the habit of distributing literary resatalion."Yes," replied his friend," and you ave done it so profusely that you have left none yourself." who had not behaved altogether well to him, sent him word, "that he had been hit by him once, and he was resolved that he should not make two bites of A. Cherry." ANTICIPATION. A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, “What, already.” MATRIMONIAL CONCORD. Who says that Giles and Joan at discord be? If now, with man and wife, to will and nill BEN JONSON. A FIRST APPEARANCE. The late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. "Go sober," said Foote. CONVENIENT NAP. their lord was not well, and could see no company that day." But tell him," said Lacy, "I must see him, for I come to him from the Lord God!" which being told the chief-justice, he ordered him to be called in, and asked him his business. **{ come," said he," from the Lord, who has sent me to thee, and would have thee grant a noli prosequi thou hast cast into prison."-"Thou art a false for John Atkins, who is his servant, and whom prophet," answered Holt, “and a lying knave; if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the attorney-general, for he knows that it is not in my power to grant a noli prosequi." Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his going to a tavern, found the door shut. They knocked at it, when one of the drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please to have? "Why open your door," Two Oxford scholars slept in the same room at said Daniel," and draw us a pint of wine." The college. Jack," ," said one, early in the morn-drawer said, "his master would not allow of it ing, are you asleep?"-"Why?" replied the that day, for it was a fast-day.”—' D——a your other, "Because if you are not, I will borrow master," replied Purcell, "for a precise coxcomb half-a-crown of you.""Is that all? Then I am." is he not contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too?" 66 FALSE PROPHET. When lord-chief-justice Holt sent one of the French prophets to prison, Mr. Lacy, one of their followers came to his lordship's house, and desired to speak with him. The servants told him The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained that they were too short: the drawer said they had no other, and those werd but just come in." Ay," said Daniel, “I set your master has not bought them very long." 66 The same gentleman was desired one night in valier, looking upon one of the new pieces, read company, to make a pun extempore. Upon this inscription on one side, "God with us," on what subject ?" said Daniel, "The king," answer- the other," The Commonwealth of England.”— ed the other." O! Sir," said he, "the king is" I see," said he," God and the commonwealth 00 subject." are on different sides." SAMPSON'S STRENGTH SUrpassed. An Irish lawyer had a client of his own coun- A Welshman boasting of his family, said, his faury, who was a sailor. During his absence at ther's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey. sen, his wife had married again, and he was re- Being asked where, he said, “In the same monusolved to prosecute her; coming to advise with ment with 'Squire Thynne's; for he was his this counsellor, he was told that he must have wit-coachman." nesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. "Arrab, by my shoul, but that will be impossible," said the other; "for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long voyage, and will not return this twelvemonth.""Oh! then," answered the lawyer," there can be nothing done in it: and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only berause you cannot prove yourself to be alive." BETTING AND PRAYING. Twogentleman disputing about religion in a coffec-house, one of them said, "I wonder, sir, you Bald talk of religion, when I'll hold you five guineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer."— Doue," said the other. The money being de ited, the gentleman began with I believe in God, do went cleverly through the Creed. "Well," d the other, "I own I have lost; I did not Can he could have done it." PILLARS AND BUTTRESSES. 66 A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, that Sampson was a very strong man. Ay," said another, "but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him in by the head and shoulders." THE MINISTRY. An oppositionist happening to be at a dinner at the lord mayor's, after two or three healths, the ministry was toasted; but when it came to his turn to drink, he diverted it for some time, by telling a story to the person who sat next him. The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go round, called out," Gentlemen, where sticks the ministry ?"-" At nothing, by G-d,” said the oppositionist, and drank off his glass. MUTUAL DEFICIENCY. A barrister who was lame of one leg, pleading before a late judge, who had little or no nose, the In the beginning of Queen Anne's reign, three judge told him, he was afraid he had but a lame far rakes reeling home from the Foun- cause of it. "Oh, my lord," said the barrister, Tavern, in the Strand, on a Sunday morning," have but a little patience, and I'll warrant I dout, "We are the pillars of the church."- prove every thing as plain as the nose in your ," said a wag, that happened to be in their face." Company," you can be but buttresses; for you yene inside of it." FLATTERING RESEMBLANCE. A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in several embassies, told him he "I know not," answered TWO SIDES OF THE QUESTION. the courtier," what I look like, but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty's person." PETITION ANSWERED. THE POOR SCHOLAR. A A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman, to whom he applied, asked him a question in Latin. The fellow shaking his When Sir Cloudesley Shovel set out on his last head, said, he did not understand him." Why," said the gentleman, “did not you say you were a expedition, a form of prayer was composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury for the success of poor scholar!"-"Yes," replied the other, the fleet, in which his grace made use of this ex-poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one pression, "That he begged God would be a rock word of Latio.” of defence to the fleet." Sir Cloudesley was cast away in that expedition on the rocks called the Bishop and his Clerks, on which circumstance the following lines were written : The priest at Lambeth pray'd the dire event, MAGISTERIAL LEARNING. CONVENIENT LOSS. It was said of one who remembered every thing that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory. GOOD LIVING. An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in whose country was the best living; the Welchmar said," There is such noble housekeeping in Wale that I have known above a dozen cooks employ ed at one wedding dinnner,”-" Ay," answered the Englishman, that was because every man toasted his own cheese." JERVAIS, THE PAINTER. A mayor of Yarmouth being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, procured the statute-book, where finding a Sir Godfrey Kneller being one day told by hi Jaw against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired after nine at night; the sapient mayor servant that Mr. Jervais had come that day int read it, frying bacon, or causing any bacon to be the same town with a coach and four. "Ay fried. Accordingly he went out the next night on Sir Godfrey "if his horses draw no better tha the scent, and being directed by his nose to a car-himself, they'll never carry him to town again." rier's house, he found the man and his wife both frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to gaol to abide the consequence of the offence. AN OLD PROVERB. WORSTED AND SILK. A gentleman once asked Nanny Rochford, wh the Whigs, in their mourning for Queen Anne, a Because," said wore silk stockings? "the Tories wear worsted." THE MODEST BEGGAR. It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a Tom Thynne, who was celebrated for his god man's name was really Inch, who pretended that housekeeping and hospitality, was standing o it was Linch," I see," observed the judge," the day at his gate in the country, when a begg old saying is verified in this man, who being al-came up to him, and begged his worship wou lowed an Inch has taken an L. give him a mug of his small beer. "Why, bo |