Abbildungen der Seite
PDF

mother, both of whom were extremely ill. “Yes,” said the general, “ honour your' father and your mother, that your days may be long.”

Pope's v ERAcity.

Pope Alexander VIth. used to say, when re minded of promises he never intended to perform, “It is true I did make a promise, but 1 did not take an oath to keep it.”

on AN UCLY OLD WOMAN.

Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung,
And heard the tempting Syren in thy tongue;
What flames, what darts, what anguish I endur'd '
But when the candle enter’d, I was cur’d.

Roy Al Reg ULATION.

When George the Second was once told by some of his confidential friends, that every thing was complained of, and that the people were extremely dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public payments, he, in great wrath, sent for the Duke of Newcastle, his prime-minister, and told him he would no longer suffer such infamous delays, but was determined to inspect and regulate the accounts himself; and for this purpose he commanded that the proper papers should be immediately sent to St. James’s. “ They shall be sent to your majesty to-morrow ;” replied the duke. When the king rose in the morning, and hooked out of his window, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, each tied with red tape, unloading in the area. Fnquiring what they were, he was told they came from the Duke of Newcastle ; to whom he sent to know what it meant. “They are the papers for examiuation,” said the duke; “twelve more waggons-load for your majesty's inspection shall be sent in the course of the day.”—“ For my inspection 1’’ replied the enraged inonarch ; “ for my inspection the devil's chief clerk may inspect them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Jerusalem.”

[ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][graphic]
[ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][subsumed][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][merged small][merged small]

AnticipAtion.

A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, “What, already.”

MAtri MONIAL CONCORD.

Who says that Giles and Joan at discord be
Th' observing neighbours no such mood can see.
Indeed, poor Giles repents he married ever ;
But that his Joan doth too. And Giles would never
By his free will be in Joan's company;
No more would Joan he should. Giles rises early,
And having got him out of doors is glad ;
The like is Joan. But turning home is sad;
—And so is Joan. Oft-times, when Giles doth see
Harsh sights at home, Giles wisheth blind were he;
All this doth Joan. Or that his long-yarn’d life
Were quite outspun ; the like irish hath his wife.
The children that he keeps, Giles swears are none
Of his begetting; and so swears his Joan.
In all affections she concurreth still.
If now, with man and wife, to will and nill
The self-same things, a note of concord be,
I know no couple better can agree,

BEN Jonson.

[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]
[ocr errors]

their lord was not well, nnd could see no company that day. “But tell him,” said Lacy, “I must see him, for I come to him from the Lord God!" which being told the chief-justice, he ordered him to be called in, and asked him his business. "I come,” said he, “from the Lord, who has sent ine to thee, and would have thee grant a noli prosequi for John Atkins, who is his servant, and whom thou hast cast into prison.”—“Thou art a false prophet,” answered Holt, “and a lying knave; if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the attorney-general, for he knows that it is not in my power to grant a noli pro-equi.”

rine hair. _The lovely hair that Galla wears Isher's—Who could have thought it 2 She swears 'tis her’s 3 and true she swears, For I know where she bought it.

sycophant Scum.

A courtier one day coming out of the House of Lords, accosted a nobleman with, “How docs your pot boil, my lord, in these troublesome times " To which the other replied, “I never go into my kitchen ; but I dare say the scum is uppermost.” PUR cell's PUNs.

Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his going to a tavern, found the door shut. They knocked at it, when one of the drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please to have “Why open your door,” said Daniel, “and draw us a pint of wine.” The drawer said, “his master would not allow of it that day, for it was a fast-day.”—“ D–n your master,” replied Purcell, “for a precise coxcont., is he not contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too !”

The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained that they were too short; the drawer said they had no other, and those were but just come in. “Ay,” said Danic!, “ 1 set

your master has not bought them very long."

The same gentleman was desired one night in tompany, to make a pun extempore... “Upon what subject "said Daniel, “The king,” answered the other. “O ! Sir,” said he, “the king is combiect.” Irish LAW.

An Irish lawyer had a client of his own counury, who was n sailor. During his absence at sea, his wife had married again, and he was resolved to prosecute her; coming to advise with this counseilor, he was told that he must have witneses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. “ Arrah, by my shoul, but that will be impossible,” said the other ; “for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long voyage, and will not return this twelvemonth.”— “Oh! then,” answered the lawyer, “there can be nothing done in it; and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only berause you cannot prove yourself to be alive.”

[merged small][ocr errors][merged small][ocr errors][merged small]

valier, looking upon one of the new pieces, read this inscription on one side, “God with us,” on the other, “The Commonwealth of England.”“I see,” said he, “God and the commonwealth are on different sides.”

WELSH PRIDE.

A Welshman boasting of his family, said, his father's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey. Being asked where, he said, “In the same monument with "Squire Thynne's ; for he was his coachman.”

SAM pson's strength surpassed.

A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, that Sampson was a very strong man. “Ay,” said another, “but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him in by the head and shoulders.”

the Ministry.

An oppositionist happening to be at a dinner at the lord unayor's, after two or three healths, the ministry was toasted ; but when it came to his turn to drink, he diverted it for some time, by telling a story to the person who sat next him. The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go round, called out, “Gentlemen, where sticks the ministry "–“ At nothing, by G–d,” said the oppositionist, and drank off his glass.

MUTUAL Deficiency.

A barrister who was lame of one leg, plending before a late judge, who had little or no nose, the .judge told him, he was afraid he had but a lame cause of it. “Oh, my lord,” said the barrister. “have but a little patience, and I'll warrant I prove every thing as plain as the nose in your face.”

flattering Rese aiblance.

A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in scveral cinbassies, told him he looked like an owl. “I know not,” answered the courtier, “what I look like, but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty's person.”

Petition ANswerted.

When Sir Cloudesley Shovel set out on his last expedition, a form of prayer was composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury for the success of the fleet, in which his grace made use of this expression, “That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet.” Sir Cloudesley was cast away in that expedition on the rocks called the Bishop and his Clerks, on which circumstance the following lines were written : The priest at Lambeth pray'd the dire event, Else had we wanted now this monument, That God unto our fleet would be a rock; Nor did kind heav'n the wise petition mock ; To what the Metropolitan said then, The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.

MAGISTERIAL LEARNING.

A mayor of Yarmouth being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, procured the statute-book, where finding a law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired after nine at night ; the sapient mayor read it, frying bacon, or causing any bacon to be fried. Accordingly he went out the next night on the scent, and being directed by his nose to a carrier’s house, he found the man and his wife both frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, while the wife turned it : being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to gaol to abide the consequence of the offence.

An old - proverb.

It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a man's name was really Inch, who pretended that it was Linch, “I see,” observed the judge, “the old saying is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an L.

the POOR scholar.

A beggar asking alms under the name of a po scholar, a gentleman, to whom he applied, as him a question in Latin. The fellow shaking head, said, he did not understand him. “Wh. said the gentleman, “did not you say you wro poor scholar t”—“Yes,” replied the other, poor one indeed, sir, for I do not uuderstand word of Latin.”

CoNV enient loss.

It was said of one who remembered every ti that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, he had lost half his memory.

GOOD Living.

An Englishman and a Welshman disputin whose country was the best living ; the Welet said, “There is such noble housekeeping in V that I have known above a dozen conks en) ed at one wedding dinnner.”—“Ay,” answ. the Englishman, “that was because every toasted his own cheese.”

JERWAIS, the PAiNTER.

Sir Godfrey Kneller being one day told servant that Mr. Jervais had come that da the same town with a coach and four. “Av. Sir Godfrey “if his horses draw no bette himself, they’ll never carry him to town *:::

WORSTed ANd silk

A gentleman once asked Nanny Rochfor the Whigs, in their mourning for Queen At wore silk stockings “Because,” sai ** the Tories wear toorsted.”

THE MODEST BEGGAR.

Tom Thynne, who was celebrated for n housekeeping and hospitality, was standi day at his gate in the country, when a came up to him, and begged his worshi give him a mug of his sunals beer. -- wo

« ZurückWeiter »