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mother, both of whoin were extremely ill.
PRUDENT ADVICE. “ Yes," said the general," honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long."
Among the toinls in Westminster-abbey is one
to the memory of a nabob who is said to have acPope's VERACITY.
quired a large fortune in the east by dishonourable
means. The monument describes the resurrection; Pope Alexander V Ith. used to say, when re
the defunct is represented as rising from the grave, minded of promises he never intended to perform, with astonishment in his face, and opening a car“ It is true I did make a promise, but I did not tain to see what is the matter. Some wag wrole take an oath to keep it."
under the figure :
Lie still if you're wise;
You'll be damn'd if you rise.
ON A MISER AND A SPENDTHRIFT. And heard the tempting Syren in thy tongue ; Rich Gripe does all his thoughts and cunning bend, What flames, what darts, what arguish I endur'd! T' increase that wealth he wants a soul to spend; But when the candle enter'd, I was cur’d. Poor Shifter does his whole contrivance set
To spend that wealth he wants the sense to get; ROYAL REGULATION.
How happy would to each appear his fate, When George the Second was once told by some Had Gripe his humour, or be Gripe's estate, of his confidential friends, that every thing was Kind Fate and Fortune, blend 'em if you can! complained of, and that the people were extreme- And, of two wretches, makc ove bappy man. ly dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public
STAUNCH PIETY. payments, he, in great wrath, sent for the Duke of Newcastle, his prime-ininister, and told him he General Kirk, who had served many years at would no longer suffer such infamous delays, but Tangiers, was pressed by James the Second to be was determined to inspect and regulate the ac- come a proselyte to the Romnish religion. Kirk counts himself; and for this purpose he command-expressed great concern that it was not in his ed that the proper papers should be immediately power to comply with his majesty's desire, because sent to St. James's.
They shall be sent to your he was really pre-engaged. The king smiled, and rnajesty to-morrow ;” replied the duke. When asked him what he meant ? " Why, truly," an the king rose in the morning, and tooked out of swered Kirk, " when I was abroad, I promises his wiudow, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I changes cach tied with red tape, unloading in the area. my religion I would turn Mahometan ; I neve Enquiring what they were, he was told they came did break my word in my life, and I beg leave to from the Duke of Newcastle; to whom he sent to say I never will." kuow wbat it meant. “ They are the papers for examination," said the duke; “twelve more
A PARSON'S DREAD. waggons-load for your majesty's inspection shall In a storm at sea, the chaplain asked one of th be sent in the course of the day.”--- For my in- crew, if he thought there was any danger. spection!” replied the enraged monarch ; " for yes," replied the sailor; " if it blows as hard a my inspection ! the devil's chief clerk may inspect it does now, we shall all be in heaven before twelt them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Je- o'clock at night." The chaplain terrified at th rosalem."
expression, cried oui, “ The Lord fordid."
UNEXPECTED MEETING. The Captain of a West-Indiaman having bought A young author was reading a tragedy to agena borse, said to the jocky, “ Well, now the horsetleinan, who soon discovered that he was a great is mide, pray tell me candidly whether he has plagiarist. The poet perceiving his auditor very any faults, and what they are.".-" What do you loften pull off his hat at the end of a line, 'asked mean to do with him?" said the other. “Why, him the reason. “ I cannot pass an old acquaint. In take him to sea," answered the captain. ance,” replied the critic, without that civility." Then I will be candid," replied the jockey,
That women always doat on fools;
dear Jack, I'm sure your wife Sir Robert Walpole, during his long adminis Must love you as she does her life. tration, was always averse to motions (though
WHITE-WASHING GENIUS. maus were made) against the publishers of parliamentary debates," because," said he, good na A wretched artist was talking pom pously about laediy, " they make better speeches for us than decorating the ceiling of his saloon. “1 am we do for ogrselves.”
white-washing it,” said he," and in a short time
I shall begin painting.”—“ I think you had THE WELSHMAN AND HIS HOST.
better;" replied one of his audience," paint it 4 Welsamas coming late into an inn,
first, and then white-wash it." tekend of the maid, what ineat there was within ?
NEGATIVE SUCCESS OF A PLAY. Cou-heels, she answered, and a brest of muiton ; But, quosh the Welshmari, since I am no glutton, which a very dull play was talked of, attempted
A person being present at a conversation in Hidher of these shall serve ; to night the breast, Tot brols at morning; then light meat is best ;
a defence of it by saying, “ it was not hissed.”. Al sight, he took the breast, and did not pay,
" True,” said another, “I grant you that; but po At moruing, took his heels and run away.
one can hiss and gape at tie same time."
TRIVIAL WAGER. THE INGENIOUS LAWYER. A counsellor was one day asked by a judge why exclaimed a warm and duil orator, to the presi
“ I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong." fun was always employed in knavish causes. dent Montesquieu in an argument. * Wby, my lord," said the counsellor, “ I have jubio mach in the habit of losing good canses, friends has a value.”
it,” replied the philosopher ; any trifle among fiat I think I had better undertake bad ones.'
Mr. Andrew Cherry, the performer, having reA writer in one of the reviews, was boasting, ceived an offer for an engageinent from a manager, but he wax in the habit of distributing literary re- who had not behaved altogether well to him, sent Natalion. “ Yes," replied his friend, and you him word, " that he had been hit by him once, *** done it so profusely that you have left nonel and be was resolved that he should not make two kul."
bites of A. Cherry.”
their lord was not well, and could see no company
that day, A pabob, io a severe fit of the gout, told his phy.
“ But tell him," said Lacy, "I must sician he suffered the pains of the damned. The see him, for I come to him from the Lord God! doctor coolly answered, What, already."
which being told the chief-justice, he ordered him
to be called in, and asked him his business. MATRIMONIAL CONCORD.
come,” said he, “ from the Lord, who has sent me Who says that Giles and Joap at discord be?
to thee, and would have thee grant a noli prosequi Th’ observing neighbours no such mood can see..
for John Atkins, who is bis servant, and whom Indeed, poor Giles repents he married ever ;
thou hast cast into prison."-" Thou art a false But that his Joan doth loo. And Giles would never prophet," answered Holt, “and a lying knare; By his free will be in Joan's company :
if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to No more would Joan he should. Giles rises early, the attorney-general, for he knows that it is not And having got him out of doors is glad ;
in my power to grant a noli prosequi." The like is Joan. But turning home is sad; And so is Joan. Oft-times, when Giles doth see The lovely hair that Galla wears Harsh sights at home, Giles wisheth blind were he; Is her's—Who could have thought it? All this doth Joan. Or that his long-yarn'd life She swears 'lis ber's; and true she swears, Were quite outspun; the like wish hath his wife. For I know where she bought ile The children that he keeps, Giles swears are none of his begetting; and so stocars his Joan.
SYCOPHANT SCUM. la all affections she concurreth still.
A courtier one day coming out of the House of If now, with man and wife, to will and nill Lords, accosted a nobleman withi, “ How does The self-same things, a note of concord be, your pot boil, my lord, in these troublesome I know no couple better can agree.
times ?" to which the other replied," I never go
BEN JONSON, into my kitchen ; but I dare say the scom is A FIRST APPEARANCE.
PURCELL'S PUNS. The late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Daniel Purcell, the famous panster, and a friend Foote what new character he should go in. “Go of his going to a tavern, found the door shut. They sober,” said Foote.
knocked at it, when one of the drawers looked
through a little wicket, and asked what they CONVENIENT NAP.
would please to have? “Why open your door," Two Oxford scholars slept in the same room at said Daniel," and draw us a pint of wine," "The college. Jack,"
,” said one, early in the moro-drawer said, “ his master would not allow of it ing, are you asleep ?"_" Why ” replied the that day, for it was a fast-day." —D-o your other, “ Because if you are not, I wil borrow master," replied Purcell, “ for a precise corcomb, half-d-crown of you.”—“Is that all? Then I am.” is he not contented to fast himsell, but he must
make his doors fast too ?” FALSE PROPHET.
The same gentleman calling for some pipes in When lord-chief-justice Holt sent one of the a tavern, complained that they were too short: French prophets to prison, Mr. Lacy, one of their the drawer said they had no other, and those were followers came to his lordship’s house, and de- but just come in. Ay," said Daniel, sired to speak with him. The servants told him your master bas not bought them very long."
The name gentleman was desired one night in valier, looking upon one of the new pieces, read company, to make a pon extempore. “Upon this inscription on one side, “ God with us," on whai subject ?" said Daniel, The king,” answer the other, " The Commonwealth of England.” ed the other. “O! Sir," said he," the king is “ I see," said he, “ Gud and the commonwealth Do subject."
are on different sides.” IRISH LAW.
WELSH PRIDE. An Irish lawyer had a client of his own coun A Welshman boasting of his family, said, his fatry, who was a sailor. During his absence at ther's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey. sea, bis wife had married again, and he was re- Being asked where, he said, “ In the same monuwolved to prosecute her; coming to advise with ment with 'Squire Thyone's ; for he was bis this counsellor, he was told that he must hare wit-coachman." desses to prove that he was alive when his wife married agaio. “ Arrab, by my shoul, but that
SAMPSON'S STRENGTH SURPASSED. will be impossible,” said the other ; " for my A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, shipmules are all gone to sea again upon a long that Sampson was a very strong man. vorage, and will not return this twelvemonth." said another, “ but you are much stronger, for "Oh! then," answered the lawyer, " there can you make nothing of lagging him in by the head be nothing done in it: and what a pity it is that and shoulders." rachy a brave cause should be lost now, only be
THE MINISTRY. cause you cannot prove yourself to be alive.” BETTING AND PRAYING.
An oppositionist happening to be at a dinner
at the lord mayor's, after two or three healths, Twogentleman disputingabont religion in a cof- the ministry was toasted ; but when it came fes-bonse, one of them said, " I wonder, sir, you to his turn to drink, he diverted it for some bonld talk of religion, when I'll hold you five time, by telling a story to the person who sat next Tunnets you can't say the Lord's Prayer."- him. The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing * Dune," said the other. The money being de his toast go round, called out,“ Gentlemen, where piled, the gentleman began with I believe in God, sticks the ministry?"_" At nothing, by G-d," sad so went cleverly through the Creed. Well,” said the oppositionist, and drank off bis glass. tad the other, “ I own I have lost; I did not larak he could have done it."
A barrister who was lame of one leg, pleading PILLARS AND BUTTRESSES.
Peiore a late judge, who had little or no nose, the la the beginning of Queen Anne's reign, three judge told him, lie' was afraid he had but a lame
Lwar rakes reeling home from the Foun-'cause of it. " Oh, my lord,” said the barrister, *** Tarcra, in the Strand, on a Sunday morning," have but a little patience, and I'll warrant i erat." We are the pillars of the church. prove every thing as plain as the nose in your * Na," said a wag, that happened to be in their face.” apar. " you can be but.buttresses; for you
FLATTERING RESEMBLANCE. XVII code inside of it."
A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom TWO SIDES OF THE QUESTION.
he had employed in several cinbassies, told him the When Oliver first coined his inoney, au olă ca-'looked like an owl. " I know not," apswered
A mayor of Yarmouth being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to though he could hardly read, procured the statute-book, where finding a law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired after nine at night ; the sapient mayor read it, frying bacon, or causing any bacon to be fried. Accordingly he went out the next night on the scent, and being directed by his nose to a car. rier's house, he found the man and his wife both frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, while the wife turned it : being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to gaol to abide the
dispense the laws wisely,
consequence of the offence. AN old PROVERB.
the courtier, “what I look like, but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to repre
THE POOR SCHOLAR.
Tom Thynne, who was celebrated for housekeeping and hospitality, was stand day at his gate in the country, when a
came up to him, and begged his worshi give him a mug of his simall brer. ** VW