ON A MISER AND A SPENDTHRIFT.

Rich Gripe does all his thoughts and cunning b
T' increase that wealth he wants a soul to spo
Poor Shifter does his whole contrivance set
To spend that wealth he wants the sense to get
How happy would to each appear his fate,
Had Gripe his humour, or he Gripe's estate,
Kind Fate and Fortune, blend 'em if you can
And, of two wretches, make one happy man.

STAUNCH PIETY.

When George the Second was once told by some of his confidential friends, that every thing was complained of, and that the people were extremely dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public payments, he, in great wrath, sent for the Duke of Newcastle, his prime-minister, and told him he General Kirk, who had served many yea would no longer suffer such infamous delays, but Tangiers, was pressed by James the Second to was determined to inspect and regulate the ac-come a proselyte to the Romish religion. counts himself; and for this purpose he command-expressed great concern that it was not i ed that the proper papers should be immediately power to comply with his majesty's desire, bec sent to St. James's. "They shall be sent to your he was really pre-engaged. The king smiled majesty to-morrow;" replied the duke. When asked him what he meant "Why, truly," the king rose in the morning, and hooked out of his window, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, each tied with red tape, unloading in the area. Enquiring what they were, he was told they came from the Duke of Newcastle; to whom he sent to know what it meant. "They are the papers for examination," said the duke; "twelve more waggons-load for your majesty's inspection shall be sent in the course of the day."-" For my inspection!" replied the enraged monarch; for my inspection! the devil's chief clerk may inspect them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Jerusalem."

swered Kirk, “when I was abroad, I prom the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I cha my religion I would turn Mahometan; F did break my word in my life, and I beg lea say I never will."

A PARSON'S DREAD.

In a storm at sea, the chaplain asked one crew, if he thought there was any danger. yes," replied the sailor; “if it blows as ha it does now, we shall all be in heaven before ty o'clock at night." The chaplain terrified a expression, cried out," The Lord forbid."

A SEA-HORSE.

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

UNEXPECTED MEETING.

The Captain of a West-Indiaman having bought A young author was reading a tragedy to agenhorse, said to the jocky,“ Well, now the horse tleman, who soon discovered that he was a great mine, pray tell me candidly whether he has plagiarist. The poet perceiving his auditor verv Any faults, and what they are."." What do you often pull off his hat at the end of a line, asked Man to do with him?" said the other. "Why, him the reason. "I cannot pass an old acquaint

to take him to sea," answered the captain. Then I will be candid," replied the jockey, may go very well at sea; but on land he Cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him."

he

GRATITUDE.

Sir Robert Walpole, during his long adminisItation, was always averse to motions (though many were made) against the publishers of parliamentary debates," because," said he, good na turedly, they make better speeches for us than We do for ourselves."

THE WELSHMAN AND HIS HOST.
A Welshman coming late into an inn,
faked of the inaid, what meat there was within ?
Cow-heels, she answered, and a breast of mutton;
Bu, quoth the Welshman, since I am no glutton,
Bither of these shall serve; to night the breast,
The heels at morning; then light meat is best ;
At night, he took the breast, and did not pay,
Mmorning, took his heels and run away.

THE INGENIOUS LAWYER.

A comesellor was one day asked by a judge why was always employed in knavish causes. Why, my ford," said the counsellor, I have 0 ruch in the habit of losing good causes, I think 1 bad better undertake bad ones."

LITERARY EXTRAVAGANCE.

ance,” replied the critic," without that civility."

EPIGRAM.

It is a maxim in the schools,

That women always doat on fools;
If so, dear Jack, I'm sure your wife
Must love you as she does her life.

WHITE-WASHING GENIUS.

A wretched artist was talking pompously about "I am decorating the ceiling of his saloon. white-washing it," said he, " and in a short time I shall begin painting." "I think you had better," replied one of his audience, paint it first, and then white-wash it."

NEGATIVE SUCCESS OF A PLAY

A person being present at a conversation in which a very dull play was talked of, attempted a defence of it by saying, "it was not hissed.". "True," said another, "I grant you that; but no one can hiss and gape at the same time."

TRIVIAL WAGER.

"I will forfeit my head if you are not wrong." exclaimed a warm and duil orator, to the president Montesquieu in an argument. "I accept it," replied the philosopher; "any trifle among friends has a value."

BITER BIT.

Mr. Andrew Cherry, the performer, having re

A writer in one of the reviews, was boasting,ceived an offer for an engagement from a manager, he was in the habit of distributing literary re- who had not behaved altogether well to him, sent "that he had been hit by him once, Maton. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you him word, does it so profusely that you have left none and he was resolved that he should not make two biles of A. Cherry."

ANTICIPATIΟΝ.

A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, “What, already,”

MATRIMONIAL CONcord.

Who says that Giles and Joan at discord be?
Th' observing neighbours no such mood can see.
Indeed, poor Giles repents he married ever;
But that his Joan doth too. And Giles would never
By his free will be in Joan's company;
No more would Joan he should. Giles rises early,
And having got him out of doors is glad ;
The like is Joan. But turning home is sad;
And so is Joan. Oft-times, when Giles doth see
Harsh sights at home, Giles wisheth blind were he;
All this doth Joan. Or that his long-yarn'd life
Were quite outspun; the like wish hath his wife.
The children that he keeps, Giles swears are none
Of his begetting; and so swears his Joan.
In all affections she concurreth still.

If now, with man and wife, to will and nill
The self-same things, a note of concord be,
I know no couple better can agree.

BEN JONSON.

A FIRST APPEARANCE.

The late Duke of Norfolk was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. "Go sober," said Foote.

CONVENIENT NAP.

their lord was not well, and could see no compan that day." But tell him," said Lacy, "I mo see him, for I come to him from the Lord God! which being told the chief-justice, he ordered hi to be called in, and asked him his business. come," said he, " from the Lord, who has sent m to thee, and would have thee grant a noli proseq for John Atkins, who is his servant, and who thou hast cast into prison."-“Thou art a fals prophet," answered Holt, "and a lying knave if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been

the attorney-general, for he knows that it is a in my power to grant a noli prosequi.”

66

Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a frie of his going to a tavern, found the door shut. The knocked at it, when one of the drawers look through a little wicket, and asked what the would please to have? Why open your door Two Oxford scholars slept in the same room at said Daniel, “ and draw us a pint of wine." T college. "Jack," said one, early in the morn-drawer said, "his master would not allow of ing, are you asleep?"-"Why?" replied the other, "Because if you are not, I will borrow half-a-crown of you."—"Is that all? Then I am."

FALSE PROPHET.

When lord-chief-justice Holt sent one of the French prophets to prison, Mr. Lacy, one of their followers came to his lordship's house, and desired to speak with him. The servants told him

that day, for it was a fast-day.”—' D——n yo master," replied Purcell, "for a precise cozcom is he not contented to fast himself, but he m make his doors fast too?"

The same gentleman calling for some pipes a tavern, complained that they were too shor the drawer said they had no other, and those we but just come in. Ay," said Daniel, “1: your master has not bought them very long."

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The same gentleman was desired one night in valier, looking upon one of the new pieces, read company, to make a pun extempore. "Upon this inscription on one side, "God with us," on what subject ?" said Daniel, "The king," answer- the other, "The Commonwealth of England."ed the other."O! Sir," said he," the king is" I see," said he, "God and the commonwealth Do subject." are on different sides."

SAMPSON'S STRENGTH SURPASSED.

An Irish lawyer had a client of his own coun- A Welshman boasting of his family, said, his fatry, who was a sailor. During his absence at ther's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey. sea, his wife had married again, and he was re- Being asked where, he said, "In the same monuolved to prosecute her; coming to advise with ment with 'Squire Thynne's; for he was his this counsellor, he was told that he must have wit-coachman." Besses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. "Arrab, by my shoul, but that will be impossible," said the other; "for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long voyage, and will not return this twelvemonth.""Oh! then," answered the lawyer," there can br nothing done in it: and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only berause you cannot prove yourself to be alive."

BETTING AND PRAYING.

"Ay."

A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, that Sampson was a very strong man. said another, "but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him in by the head and shoulders."

THE MINISTRY.

An oppositionist happening to be at a dinner at the lord mayor's, after two or three healths, Two gentleman disputing about religion in a cof- the ministry was toasted; but when it came bec-house, one of them said, "I wonder, sir, you to his turn to drink, he diverted it for some Sould talk of religion, when I'll hold you five time, by telling a story to the person who sat next pineas you can't say the Lord's Prayer."-him. The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing Done," said the other. The money being de his toast go round, called out," Gentlemen, where ited, the gentleman began with I believe in God, sticks the ministry ?"—" At nothing, by G―d,” And so went cleverly through the Creed. 'Well," said the oppositionist, and drank off his glass. d the other, " I own I have lost; I did not lesk he could have done it.”

PILLARS AND BUTTRESSES.

MUTUAL DEFICIENCY.

A barrister who was lame of one leg, pleading before a late judge, who had little or no nose, the It the beginning of Queen Anne's reign, three judge told him, he was afraid he had but a lame for rakes reeling home from the Foun-cause of it. “Oh, my lord," said the barrister, Tavern, in the Strand, on a Sunday morning," have but a little patience, and I'll warrant I dout, "We are the pillars of the church."- prove every thing as plain as the nose in your *No,” said a wag, that happened to be in their face." Smpany," you can be but buttresses; for you ever come inside of it."

Two sides oF THE QUESTION.

FLATTERING RESEMBLANCE.

A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in several embassies, told him he When Oliver first coined his money, an old ca- 'looked like an owl, "I know not," answered

the courtier," what I look like, but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty's person."

PETITION ANSWERED.

THE POOR SCHOLAR.

A beggar asking alms under the name of a po scholar, a gentleman, to whom he applied, aske him a question in Latin. The fellow shaking h When Sir Cloudesley Shovel set out on his last head, said, be did not understand him. "Why, expedition, a form of prayer was composed by said the gentleman, did not you say you were the Archbishop of Canterbury for the success of poor scholar!"-" Yes,” replied the other, the fleet, in which his grace made use of this ex-poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand o pression, "That he begged God would be a rock word of Latin." of defence to the fleet." Sir Cloudesley was cast away in that expedition on the rocks called the Bishop and his Clerks, on which circumstance the following lines were written :

The priest at Lambeth pray'd the dire event,
Else had we wanted now this monument,
That God unto our fleet would be a rock;
Nor did kind heav'n the wise petition mock;
To what the Metropolitan said then,
The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.

MAGISTERIAL LEARNING.

CONVENIENT LOSS.

It was said of one who remembered every thi that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, th he had lost half his memory.

GOOD LIVING.

An Englishman and a Welshman disputing whose country was the best living; the Welchro said, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wa that I have known above a dozen cooks empi ed at one wedding dinnner."-" Ay," answe the Englishman, that was because every toasted his own cheese."

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JERVAIS, THE PAINTER.

A mayor of Yarmouth being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, procured the statute-book, where finding a Sir Godfrey Kneller being one day told by Jaw against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon servant that Mr. Jervais had come that day to be fired after nine at night; the sapient mayor read it, frying bacon, or causing any bacon to be the same town with a coach and four. “Ay, Accordingly he went out the next night on Sir Godfrey “if his horses draw no better the scent, and being directed by his nose to a car-himself, they'll never carry him to town again rier's house, he found the man and his wife both frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to gaol to abide the consequence of the offence.

fried.

AN OLD PROVERB.

It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a man's name was really Inch, who pretended that it was Linch," I see," observed the judge," the old saying is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an L.

WORSTED AND SILK.

A gentleman once asked Nanny Rochford, the Whigs, in their mourning for Queen Anne •6 Because," said wore silk stockings? "the Tories wear worsted."

THE MODEST BEGGAR. Tom Thynne, who was celebrated for his housekeeping and hospitality, was standing day at his gate in the country, when a be came up to him, and begged his worship w give him a mug of his small beer. Why,