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Here dwells strong Conviction, of Logic the glory,
When us'd with precision a posteriori,

It promotes circulation, and thrills through each

vein,

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bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he
had reckoned the number of the enemy?
replied the captain, "it will be time enough to
"No,"
do that, when we have made them strike."

PURCHASING A HUSBAND.

A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a present of a five-pound banknote for her marriage-portion. Her mistress wished to see the object of Susan's favour; and a very diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his appearance. said her mistress, "Ah. Susan," "what a strange choice you have made!"—"La, ma'am," said Susan," in such hard times as these, when almost all the tall fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a man than this can you expect for a five-pound note ?"

A COMPARISON.

It is with narrow-souled people, as with narrownecked bottles-the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out.

A clergyman being one day engaged in examınIng his parishioners, and finding them extremely orant, spoke of the punishment that awaited e wicked in a future world; observing, that Bey would be cast into a place of utter dark-at where there would be weeping, and wailing, gnashing of teeth."-" Let them gnash that teeth," cried an old woman from a corner the church; for my part, I have had none ne buty years."

KING JAMES THE FIRST.

THE RETORT. "

Two girls of fashion entered an assembly-room, the time when a fat citizen's wife was quitting it. "Ah," said one of them, in an audible voice, "there's beef a-la-mode going out." -"Yes," answered the object of their ridicule, “and game going in.”

MATRIMONIAL REGULATIONS.

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A man being brought up by his wife, who had sworn the peace against him, after being informagainst him, he asked permission to say summat in his exculpitation.

Th's monarch mounting a horse that was un-ed by the sitting magistrate of the charge laid
3. said. The deil tak' my saul, sirrah, au ye
La quiet, I'll send ye to the five hundred kings
The House of Commons:-They'll soon tame

COURAGE.

As afferr in Admiral Lord St. Vincent's fleet, ing one of the captains, who was gallantly

"Well," said the worthy magistrate," you are at liberty to say any thing you please in your defence."

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as how my wife took the law into her hands berore Why, then, please your worship, I caun show I baisted her at all."

FORTITUDE OF A SAILOR.

Magistrate." Did she strike you first?" Husband." No, your worship, but if you'll please to hear my tale, you shall know all about actively employed at one of the guns, having bi A veteran, at the battle of Trafalgar, who was it; first, if you'll please to hear me, you must know that I is of a very hot temper, and she's leg shot off below the knee, observed to an officer "That's but a shilling touch; an inch higher and plaguy hot well as I well, so you know, says I to I should have had my eighteen-peuce for it;" al her yan morning, Bessy, my lass, we'll split our disturbances, l'ane of us shall be maister yan year, The same man, as they were lifting him on a bro Juding to the scale of pensions allowed for wounds and t'other of next year, in regular succension ther tar's shoulders, said to one of hi friends well, please your worship, she agreed to this regu-Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me th larment, and she been't maister all t'last year; the silver buckle out of my shoe; I'll do as much fo time you know, that her time expired was last

Friday four months. Well, your worship, of Fri- you, please God, some other time."

day four month's I told you that I was ganning to be't maister; well, do you know, your worship, she took t'law into her own hands, and said she'd be felled if she would'nt remain maister for t'next year; so I has put up with the degradation till last Friday-wer'nt it that day, Bessy?"

Wife. Till last Friday."

Husband." Well, and then as how I thought Claw wad authorize me to baist her, as she had la'en t'law into her hands. (Much laughter.) Magistrate." Woman, what have you to say to this ingenuous defence ?"

Wife. Please, your worship, I know I'se guilty of the alledgement he has lain again me; I'se sorry for what I've done! I hope as that you'll forgive me this time, and I'll try him (pointing to her husband) till he misbehaves himself again."

The magistrate then advised her in future to let her husband be the master, and, after making mu tual promises to kiss and be friends, they retired.

JUSTIFICATION.

A dog y.ng open-mouthed at a serjeant upon a march, he ran the spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner was quite indignant that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant why he could not as well have struck at nim with the blunt end of his halbert?" So I would," said he, "if he had run at me with his tail."

A DOTING HUSBAND.

At the time when Frederick Moul was engaged in translating Lebauius, a servant came to tel him, that his wife, who had long been in a declin ing state, was very ill, and wished to speak higa.

"Stop a minute, stop a minute," said he "I have but two sentences to finish, and then Another messenger will be with her directly.” came to announce, that she was at the last gp. "I have but two words to write," answered he and “then I'll fly to her." A moment after word was brought to him, that she had expired "Alas! I am very sorry for it," exclaimed the "she was the best wife in the tranquil husband, world!" Having uttered this brief funeral or tion. he went on with his work.

MATRIMONIAL AFFECTION.

In a village in Picardy, a farmer's wife, afte long sickness, fell into a lethargy. Her husban was willing, good man, to believe her out of pain and so, according to the custom of that country she was wrapped in a sheet, and carried ou to be buried. But, as ill-luck would have it, th bearers carried her so neara ledge, that the thor pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from he trance. Some years after, she died in reality and, as the funeral passed along, the husban would every now and then call out“ Not too nea the hedge, not too near the hedge, neighbours.

TARDY ADVICE.

A nobleman advising his sou to keep interior people at a distance; a tradesman, who verheard the admonition, replied-" I am sorry, Dy lord, you did not give the young gentleman this advice before he got so deeply into my books."

HONESTY.

Aknavish attorney asked a worthy gentleman to define honesty, "What is that to you," replied the latter," meddle with those things that concern you."

SEASONABLE RECOLLECTION.

RAMSGATE FAR BEYOND MARGATE."

A young lady, on a visit to a friend near the sea-coast of Kent, was asked her opinion of the comparative degree of merit between Ramsgate and Margate; "Oh!" she replied, "I think Ramsgate far beyond Margate "-" Do you,” replied a person present, "why, if you go round by the cliffs, it is not above five miles and a half,”

DRY TOAST.

At a recent city dinner, the chairman proposed a health, but neglected to pass the bottle; upon Mr. Sheridan once told Mrs. M. A. Taylor, that dent, I will thank you for some wine, for a drywhich a facetious citizen exclaimed," Mr. Presi. she looked as blooming as the spring, but recoltoast always gives me the heart-burn,” lecting that the spring was not very promising, be added. "I would to God the spring would look like you."

JOHN TAYLOR.

This bard interrupted the servile etiquette of kneeling to the king. "I myself, " said the water poet, "gave a book to King James ware, is the great chamber at Whitehall, as his majesty came from the chapel. The Duke of Richand said merrily to me: Taylor, where did you learn the manners to give the king a book and To kneel "My lord," said I," if it please your grace, I do give now; but when I beg any thing, then I will kneel."

PRUDENT DELAY.

A plasterer and his boy being employed to talewash a house by the day, were so tedious that owner one day asked the lad, in his master's bence, when he thought they would have done. The boy bluntly replied, "that his master was aking out for another job; and if he found one they should make an end that week,"

THE CITIZEN.

A constant frequenter of city feasts having pawn enurmously fat, it was proposed to write on back, widened at the expense of the corporation.

A NEW MODE OF SAVING MONEY FROM
ROBBERS.

Once on a time, 'tis said, that Hounslow-heath
Was by a gang of robbers sore infested,
Who with the sword of justice boldly jested,
Till Mister Kirby's necklace stopp'd their breath.
Three doughty officers of volunteers,
Knights of the thimble (fame reports) and sheers,
Stopping at Hounslow in a chaise and pair,
Ask'd fiercely if the Heath was safe from thieves:
"Yes, sir," replied the ostler, “ I believes;
Besides, what needs such warlike gemmen
care ?"

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He stopped the chaise-“ Gemmen," says he, " Itains and bewailed her virginity." And ar

hear

This road is horribly by rogues beset; And, though such valiant men despise all fear, Perhaps you'll be in danger if you're met." At this their powder'd locks began to bristle; "What shall we do?"--they cried, "oh, tell us what !"

"Why, gemmen," says the rogue, and shew'd
a pistol-

"Best leave your cash with me, I'll tell
you that."
"What! all our money? Nay, for goodness
hold."

"Yes, ail-quick, quick!" replied the rogue,
your gold!

Make haste your watches too must be unfobb'd;
Or d——— my buttons, sirs, but you'll be robb'd!"

THE MISER.

rend dean, who published a sermon for the be of the poor clergy in a provincial diocese, pro ly enough selected the following:-" Set on great pot and seeth pottage for the sous of prophets."

NAVAL PUN.

A gentleman enquiring of a naval officer sailors generally take off their shirts when g into action, was answered, "that they were willing to have any check to fighting." PROFESSIONAL DUTIES MUST BE PERFORM

An attorney presenting a copy of a writ t auctioneer apologised for his unfriendly visi he was merely performing an unpleasant dut his profession. "Certainly not," said the tioneer, " you must attend to the duties of A miser, who had carefully deposited his darl-profession and so must I to mine;" and insta ing treasure under a hedge, one day found that knocked him down. the hoard was gone. His cries and lamentations attracted several persons, and an unfeeling wag remarked," it was very surprising the old gentleman should lose his money, as it was put into the bank."

APPROPRIATE TEXTS.

THE CROWN.

A country sculptor was once ordered to eng on a tombstone the following words: "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husba But the stone being small he engraved on it, "A virtuous woman is 5s, to her husband.

A MAGISTRATE NO SAILOR.

"You w

Some of our reverend gentlemen, who are denominated popular preachers, display great ingenuity in their choice of suitable texts. At an anniversary sermon before the Chelsea pensioners, a disA sailor who had been making a riot, course was a few days since delivered from the taken before a justice, who ordered him to following apposite text :-" Remember thy Crea- bail. "I have no bail," said Jack. "The tor in the days of thy youth, before the evil days commit you," said the justice. come, and the days in which thou shalt say, I have said the sailor, "then the Lord send you the no pleasure in them." A gentleman, who preached that stops the wind when the ship's at anchor a sermon before the society for recovering persons" What do you mean by that "said the jus apparently drowned; selected the following: Why," ," said Jack, "it's the hanging rope a "Trouble not yourselves about him, for he is not yard-arm." dead." For a wedding sermon preached a short time since, at a country town in Shropshire, a reverend gentleman took part of the story of Jepthab's daughter:-" And she went upon the moun

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ON CHARACTERS.

When death puts out our flame the snuff will i
If we were was or tallow by the smell.

THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER.

ADDISON AND STEELE.

A gentleman dining with another, praised very much the meat, and asked who was the butcher? "His name is Addison.”—“ Addison!" echoed the guest," pray is he any relation to the poet ?" In all probability he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) by his side."

SHUTER, THE COMEDIAN.

SHAKESPEARE'S COOKERY.

Two gentlemen were disputing at a coffee-house upon the best mode of cooking a beef-steak, and enumerating the different processes for bringing it to table in the highest perfection. Mr. Wewitzer observed, that of all the methods of cooking a beef-steak, he thought Shakespeare's recipe the shortest and the best. Upon being asked for an explanation. "Why, gentlemen," said Wewitzer," it is this:

A friend overtaking Shuter one day in the street, mid to him, "Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to" If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then walk the streets with twenty holes in your stock

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LIKE A PUPPY.

ings? why don't you get them mended?"-"No," It were done quicklymy friend," said Ned, “I am above it; and if you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than A gentleman observed to a lady, that since a kave one darn."-" How," replied the other, recent illness, a mutual friend of theirs spoke very "How do you make that out?""Why," re-much like a puppy," likely enough," replied the plied Ned," a hole is the accident of the day but lady," for I hear, that by order of the doctor he i dara is premeditated poverty,” has lately taken to bark.'

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run,

Obtain'd his cause, had costs, and was undone..

MILITARY Discipline.

swaggering commissioned officer, who, unfortuy for his pride, was no other than the son of an mender of soles, chanced to let his cane fall ely on the shoulders of a poor private, hy don't you move, you scoundrel, with alacried the officer. "Bless your honour,' ied the man, how is it possible; the shoes father made me pinch me so !" It is almost sary to add the drill was speedily dismissed,

NEW RAPE OF THE LOCK.
Last night as o'er the page of Love's despair,
My Delia bent deliciously to grieve,

I stood a treacherous loiterer by her chair,
And drew the fatal scissors from my sleeve.
She heard the steel her beauteous lock divide,
And whilst my heart with transport panted big,
She cast a fury frown on me, and cried,
"You stupid puppy, you have spoil'd my
wig."

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