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Heredwells strong Conviction, of Logic the glory, bearing down upon the Spanish feet, whether he When used with precision a posteriori,

had reckoned the number of the enemy? le promotes circulation, and thrills through each replied the captain," it will be time enough to vein,

do that, when we have made them strike." The faculties quickens, and purges the brain. Whatever disorders prevail in the blood,

PURCHASING A HUSBAND. The Birch cao correct them, like guaiacum wood. A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received Socious its juice is, so sweet are its twigs, from her mistress a present of a five-pound bankThal at Sheffield we call them the Walkley-bank note for her inarriage-portion. Her mistress wishfigs.

ed to see the object of Susan's favour; and a very As the fam'd rod of Circe to brutes would change diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ngly inen,

as an ape, made his appearance. " Ah, Susan," So the su igs of the Birch can unbrute them again. said her mistress,“ what a strange choice you Like the rod of the Sybil, that branch of pure have made!"_"La, ma'am,” said Susan, " in gold,

such hard times as these, when almost all the tall Toese iwigs can the gate of Egysium unfold ; fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a That Elysium of learning, where pleasures abound, man than this can you expect for a five-pound Dorse fruits that still lourish on classical ground. note :". Then if such be its virtues, we'll bow to the tree,

A COMPARISON, Aod Birch, like the Muses, immortal shall be.

It is with narrow-souled people, as with narrowLUCKY LOSS.

necked bottles-the less they have in them, the

more noise they make ia pouring it out. A clergyman being one day engaged in examin. !" his parishioners, and finding them extremely

THE RETORT. urant, spoke of the punishment that awaited i wicked in a future world ; observing, that

Two girls of fashion entered an assembly-room, they " would be cast into a place of utter dark at the time when a fat citizen's wife was quitting vra, where shere would be weeping, and waiting, there's 'beef a-la-mode going out.",

" Ah," said one of them, in an andible voice,

-6 Yes," optress hing of teeth."-" Let them gnash that

answered the object of their ridicule," and game Peeth, cried an old woman from a corner "be church ; " for my part, I have had none ributy years."

MATRIMONIAL REGULATIONS.
KING JAMES THE FIRST.

A man being brought up by his wife, who had

sworn the peace ag:iinst him, after being informThis monarch mounting a horse that was un. ed by the sitting inagistrate of the charge laid 1. ald." The deil tak’ my saul, sirrahı, ay ye against him, he asked permission to say summat tum quiet, I'll send ye to the five hundred kings in his exculpitation. 1. Hovse of Commons:--They'll soon tame “ Well," said the worthy magistrate," you are

at liberty to say any thing you please in your deCOURAG E.

" Why, then, please your worship, I caun show soffarvis Admiral Lord St. Vincent's fleet, as how my wife took the law into her hands berure ting one of the captaiys, who was gallanty I baisted her at all.”

going in.”

fence."

Magistrato.Did she strike you first ?"

FORTITUDE OF A SAILOR. Husband.-"No, your worship, but if you'll please to hear my tale, you shall know all about

A veteran, at the battle of Trafalgar, who wn its first, if you'll please to hear me, you must actively employed at one of the guns, having his know that I is of a very hot temper, and she's deg shot off' below the knee, observed to an cthier plaguy hot well as 1; well, so you know, says I to

"That's but a shilling touch; an inch higher and her yan morning, Bessy, my lass, we'll split our luding to the scale of persians allowed for wound

I should have had my eighteen-peuce for it;" al disturbances, l'ane of as shall be maister yan year, The same man, as they were lifting him on a bro and t'other of next year, in regular succension: ther tar's shoulders, said to one of hi friends well, please your worship, slie agreed to this regu- Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me te larment, and she been't maister all t'last time you know, that her time expired was last silver buckle out of my shoe ; P'll do as much les Friday four months. Well, your worship, of Fri- you, please God, some other time.” day four moath's I told you that I was ganning to

A DOTING HUSBAND. be't maister; well, do you know, your worship, she took t'law into her own hands, and said she'd

At the time when Frederick Moul was engaged be felled if she would'nt remain maister for t'next in translating Lebavius, a servant came to tell year; so I has put up with the degradation till him, that his wife, who bad long seen in n declilast Friday- uer'nl it that day, Bessy ?"

ing state, was very ill, and wished to speak Ic Wife.-" Till last Friday."

him. “ Stop a minute, stop a minute," said iur. Husband.-" Well, and then as how I thought

" I have but two sentences to finish, and then llaw wad avihorize mne to baist her, as she had will be with her directly.” Another messenger la'en t'law into her hands. (Much laughter.)

came to announce, that she was at the last gopa Magistrate." Woman, what have you to say and then I'll fly to her.” A moment after wort

" I have but two words to write," answered les. to this ingenuonis defence ?"

Wife.-" Please, your worship, I know I'se was brought to him, that she had expired guilty of the alledgement be has lain again me;

" Alas! I am very sorry for it,"' exclaimed the l'se sorry for what I've done! I hope as that tranquil husband, "she was the best wife in the you'll forgive me this time, and i'll try hin world!” Having uttered this brief funeral ou (pointing to her husband) till he misbehaves him- tion, he went on with his work. self again."

MATRIMONIAL AFFECTION. The magistrate then advised her in future to let her husband he the master, and, after making mu.

In a village in Picardy, a farmer's wife, alte tual promises to kiss and be friends, they retired. long sickness, fell into a lethargy. Her hosbag

was willing, good man, to believe her out of pain JUSTIFICATION.

and so, according to the custom of that country

she was wrapped in a shect, and carried ou A dog i y.ng open-mouthed at a serjeant upon to be buried, ''But, as ill-uch would have it, to a march, he ran the spear of his balbert into his bearers carried her so neara liedge, that the thor throat and killed him. The owner was quite in-pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from he dignant that his dog was killed, and asked the trance. Some years after, she died in reality serjeant why he could not as well have struck at and, as the funeral passed along, the husban avon with the blunt end of his halbert ? " So I wouid every now and den call out" Nottoo nea would," said be,"if he had runat me with bistail.”!the hedge, aut 100 year the hedge, neiglıbouni.

*

Like you."

TARDY ADVICE.

RAMSGATE' FAR BEYOND MARGATE. A nobleman advising his sou to keep in A young lady, on a visit to a friend near the ferior people at a distance; a tradesman, who sea-coast of Kent, was asked her opinion of the werheard ihe admudition, replied." I am sorry, comparative degree of merit between Ramsgalo by lord, you did not give the young gentleman and Margate : "Oh!" she replied, “I think tais advice before he got so deeply into my books." Ramsgate fur beyond Margate"- Do you," reHONESTY.

plied a person present, " why, if you go round Aknavisk attorney asked a worthy gentleman by the clitis, it is not above tij e miles and a half," to define hocesty, " What is that to you." replied

DRY TOAST. the latter," meddle with those things that concera you."

At a recent city dinner, the chairman proposed SEASONABLE RECOLLECTION.

a health, but neglected to pass the bottle ; upon Mr. Sheridas once told Mrs. M. A. Taylor, that dent, I will thank you for some wine, for a dry

which a facetious citizen exclaimed," Mr. Presi. she looked as blooming as the spring, but recol toast always gives me the heart-burn." Ircting that the spriog was not very promising, de added.“ I would to God the spring would look A NEW MODE OF SAVING MONEY FROM

ROBBERS,
JOHN TAYLOR.

Once on a time, 'tis said, that Hounslow-heath This bard interrupted the servile etiquette Was by' a gang of robbers sore infested, of koeeling to the king. “I myself," said Who with the sword of justice boldly jested, the water poet, "gave a book to King James Till Mister Kirby's necklace stopp'd their breath. uace, is the great chamber at Whitehall, as his malaty came from the chapel. The Duke of Three doughty officers of volunteers, Hidhnigad said merrily to me : Taylor, where did Knights of the thimble (fama reports) and sheers, you learn the manners to give tbe king a book and Stopping at Hounslow in a chaise and pair, Thon kneel?'- "My Jord,” said I, " if it please Ask'd fiercely if the Heath was safe from thieves: aur grace, I do give pow; but when I beg any “ Yes, sir," replied the ostler, “ I believes , thing, then I will kneel."

Besides, what needs such warlike gemmea PRUDENT DELAY.

care ?" A plasterer and his boy being employed to The ostler had a friend that lurk’d at band, tulemasha boase by the day, were so tedious that A tribute-gatherer on the road no worse ; Borut one day asked the lad, in his master's Who, viewing slily this redoubted band, absence, when he bought they would have done. Swore each should pay the forced loan of his The boy blantly replied, " that his master was

purse,
eing out for another job; and if he found one or pot, to speak more like a politician,
Way sauld make an end that week,"

Their mouey in a state of requisition !
THE CITIZEN,

Away then rode he to wait for his prey :
A constant frequenter of city feasts having The heroes paid their score, and off

' went they, Menu caur nously fat, it was proposed to write on But, ere they half the heath had cross'd, lubach, widened at the expense of the corporation. They found the chevalier upon his post :

D

.

He stopped the chaise" Gemmen,” says he, “ 1|taing and bewailed her virginity." And a revehear

rend dean, who published a sermon for the benefit This road is horribly by rogues beset; of the poor clergy in a provincial diocese, propesAnd, though such valiant men despise all fear, ly enough selected the following:-“ Set on the

Perhaps you'll be in danger if you're met.” great pot and seeth pottage for the sous of the At this their powder'd locks began to bristle ;

prophets.” " What shall we do ?”--they cried, “oh, tell

NAVAL PUN. us what !" “ Why, genmen,” says the rogue, and shew'd

A gentleman enquiring of a naval officer wby a pistol

sailors generally take off their shirts when going Best leave your cash with me, I'll tell you that." into action, was answered," that they were un“ Wbat! ,all our money : Nay, for goodness willing to have any check to fighting.”

hold." “ Yes, ail-quick, quick !” replied the rogue,

PROFESSIONAL DUTIES MUST BE PERFORMED. your gold!

An attorney presenting a copy of a writ to at Make haste your watches loo must be unfobb’d; auctioneer apologised for his unfriendly visit, is Ord my buttons, sirs, but you'll be robbid !" he was merely performing an unpleasant duty o THE MISER.

his profession. “ Certainly not," said the aoc

tioneer, “ you must attend to the duties of your A miser, who bad carefully deposited his darl- profession and so must I to mine ;" and instantly ing treasure under a hedge, one day found that knocked him down, the hoard was gone. His cries and lamentations attracted several persons, and an unfeeling wag

THE CROWN. remarked," it was very surprising the old gentle A country sculptor was once ordered to engrave man should lose bis money, as it was put into the on a tombstone the following words: bank."

" A virtuous womau is a crown to her husband." APPROPRIATE TEXTS.

But the stone being small he engraved on it, Some of our reverend gentlemen, who are deno.

“ A virtuous woman is 5s. to her husband." minated popular preachers, display great ingenuity

A MAGISTRATE NO SAILOR. in their choice of suitable texts. At an anniversary sermon before the Chelsea pensioners, a dis A sailor who had been making a riot, wa course was a few days since delivered from the taken before a justice, who ordered him to five following apposite text :-" Remember thy Crea-bail..“ I have no bail,” said Jack. “Tbeo l'l tor in the days of thy youth, before the evil days commit you,” said the justice. “ You will!' come, and the days in which thou shalt say, I have said the sailor, " then the Lord send you the rope no pleasure in them." A gentleman, who preached that stops the wind when the ship's at aochor."a sermon before the society for recovering persons What do you mean by that ?" said the justice apparently drowned ; selected the following: " Why," said Jack," it's the hanging rope at th « Trouble not yourselves about him, for he is not yard-arm." dead.” For a wedding sermon preached a short time since, at a country lowo in Shropshire, a re

ON CHARACTERS. verend gentleman took part of the story of Jep- When death puts out our fame the snuff will tell, thab's daughter:-" And she went upon the moun. If we were was or tallow by the smell.

ADDISON AND STEELE.

SHAKESPEARE's COOKERY. A gentleman dining with another, praised very Two gentlemen were disputing at a coffee-house much the meat, and asked who was the butcher? upon the best mode of cooking a beef-steak, and

"His name is Addison.”_" Addison !" echoed enumerating the different processes for bringing : the guest,“ pray is he any relation to the poet p" it lo table in the highest perfection. Mr. We

- In all probability be is, for he is seldom witzer observed, that of all the methods of cookwithout his steel (Slecle) by his side."

ing a beef-steak, he thought Shakespeare's re

cipe the shortest and the best. Upon being asked SHUTER, THE COMEDIAN.

for an explanation. Why, gentlemen,” said A friend overtaking Shuter one day in the street, Wewitzer," it is this : maid to hira, “ Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to “ If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockjaps! why don't you get them mended :"-"NO" It were done quickly,"

'twere well my friend,” said Ned, “I am above it; and if you bave the pride of a gentleman, you will act

LIKE A PUPPY. like ac, and walk with twenty holes rather than bare one darn.”—“ How,” replied the other, recent illness, a mutual friend of theirs spoke very

A gentleman observed to a lady, that since a " How do you make that out?"- Why,” re- much like a puppy,“ likely enough,” replied the plied Ned, " a hole is the accident of the day but lady,“ for 1 hear, that by order of the doctor be a darn is premeditated poverty,?

has lately taken to bark."
ON THE LAW.

NEW RAPE OP THE LOCK.
Vahappy Chremes, neighbour to a peer,
Kept half his sheep, and fatted balf bis deer ;

Last night as o'er the page of Love's despair, Each day his gates thrown down, his fences

My Delia bent deliciously to grieve, broke,

I stood a treacherous loiterer by her chair, And iajar'd still the more, the more he spoke,

And drew the fatal scissors from my sleeve. At last resolv'd bis potent foe to awe,

She heard the steel her beauteous lock divide, And guard his right by statute, and by law ! And whilst my heart with transport panted big, A sait in Chancery the wretch begun,

She cast a fury frowp on me, and cried, Kige kappy terms through bill and answer “ You stupid puppy, - you have spoild my obtaidd his cause, had costs, and was undone. S

wig."

THE KISS.
MILITARY DISCIPLINE,

The author of the comedy called the Kiss, sent Astaggering commissioned officer,who, anfortu- a copy of the piece as soon as published to a young Ekly for his pride, was no other than the son of an lady, informing her that he had been wishing for wet meader of soles, chanced to let his cane fall many montbs for the present opportunity of giving Wirely on the shoulders of a poor private, her a kiss,!

Why don't you move, you scoundrel, with alacity in cried the officer.'“ Bless your bonour,"

A COMMANDMENT KEPT, plied the pan," how is it possible ; the shoes A young officer not over fond of fighting, wait nous faber made me pioch me so !" It is almost ed on the commander on the eve of a battle, to reSeecemary to add the drill was speedily dismissed. qnest leave of absence to visit his father and

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