nister of Dedham, in Essex. Going one Sunday] to church from the lecture-house, he met an old Cambridge friend, who was coming to give him a call before sermon. After the accustomed salutations, Burkitt told his friend, that as he had intended him the favour of a visit, his parishioners would expect the favour of a sermon. The clergyman excused himself, by saying he had no sermon with him; but on looking at Burkitt's pocket, and perceiving a corner of his sermon-book, he drew it gently out, and put it in his own pocket. The gentleman then said with a smile, Mr. Burkitt, I will agree to preach for you." He did so, and preached Burkitt's sermon. He, however, appeared to great disadvantage after Burkitt, for he had a voice rough and untuneful, whereas Burkitt's was remarkably melodious. "Ah!" said Burkitt to him archly, after sermon, as he was approaching him in the vestry, was but half a rogue; you stole my fiddle, but you could not steal my fiddlestick." 66 you ON A GLUTTON WHO HAD A REMARKABLE MOUTH. Here lies a famous belly slave, Whose mouth was wider than a grave; TREASON. Justice.-King of Clubs! why, you rebelli rascal, what, 'do you add insult to treason? me what you mean. T Countryman. Mean, your worship, why y mun know that were noine and noine, at whisk a swabbers, clubs were trumps. I had cace a queen i' my own hand; but as ill-Juck would ha our neighbour Tummus clapt his king stock up my queen, and by gadlin they gotten the odd tri so being well throttled with rage, your worsh I-I-I- cry'd damn the king! Justice.-Oh! well if that's all, thou mayst about thy business: but see that thou never d so again. Countryman.-God bless your Honour, I wo e'en curse a knave, for fear it should offend y Worship! THE HEN-PECKED HUSBAND, Inscribed on a pane of glass by Burns. Curst be the man, the poorest wretch in life The crouching vassal to the tyrant wife, Who has no will but by her permission, Who has not sixpence but in her possession, Who must to her his dear friends secrets teil Who dreads a curtain-lecture worse than h Were such the wife had fallen to my part, I'd break her spirit, or I'd break her heart JACK KETCH. A very serious complaint was once lodged before a justice of the peace in a northern county, Jack Ketch being lately summoned to the C against a simple countryman, for having damned of Conscience for a small debt, was asked how the King. A warrant was accordingly issued, meant to pay it? The answer was: and the poor delinquent dragged before the bench, please your honour, as I know the plaintif when the following interrogatories were put to family well, I'll work it out for him in my him. Justice, Harkee! you fellow; how came you wickedly and profanely to damn his most sacred Majesty George the Third, of Great Britain, France, and Ireland, King, Defender of the Faith, and so forth? Countryman.-Lord, your worship, I did not know that the King of Clubs was Defender of the Faith, or by my troth I would not have damn'd it. line !" FISH AND SAUCE. "Why A countryman on a trial respecting the righ fishery, at the Lancaster assizes, was crossamined by Sergeant Cockel, who, among m other questions, asked the witness Dost love fish?"-" Yen," said the poor fellow," I donna like Cockle sauce with it." THE RIDDLE. Addressed to four Ladies. Guess, gentle ladies, if you can, A thing with which you've often play'd It's what weak dames and old abuse, Just as you're pleas'd to make it THE ANSWER, BY THE LADIES. One said, 'twas music, play'd with skill, A second said, it was a pill; A third, it was a potion. The fourth was quite amaz'd to hear Told them the case was very clear, REAL POLITENESS. OLD AGE NOT RELISHED BY LADIES. Any imputation of old age is disagreeable to the fair sex, let the circumstance of poverty or debility be ever so great. An aged woman soliciting alms in Islington, being asked when a woman was too old for matrimony? replied, "That question you must ask of some one who is older than I am." A GRAVE-DIGGER'S BILL. A grave-digger who had buried a Mr. Button, sent the following curious bill to his widow :"To making a Button-hole......2s." THE SAILOR'S PRAYER. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet of Trafalgar, the first-lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So unusual an attitude exciting his surprise, he asked the sailor if he was afraid? "Afraid!" answered the tar, "No, I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as prize-money-the greatest part among the officers." NATIONAL TOASTS. The When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he made frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited. French Ambassador, in his turn, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors; and on one occasion proposed a health in these terms, Louis XIV. having been told that Lord Stair" The Rising Sun, my master,” alluding to the * one of the best-bred men in Europe, "I shall device and motto of Louis XIV. I came then to put him to the test," said the king; and the Austrian ambassador's turn to give a toast; Bing Lord Stair to take an airing with him, as and he proposed the "Moon," in compliment to as the door of the coach was opened, he bade the Empresa queen. The Earl of Stair was then Ir. pus and go in the other bowed and obeyed. called upon, and that nobleman, whose presence De king said, "The world is right in the charac-of mind never forsook him, drank his master, ** it gives of his lordship; another person would : troubled me with ceremony." King William, by the name of "Joshua, the son lof Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still.” NOBODY. Sure Nobody's a wicked devil, Nobody, Sir;" exclaims the youngster. She lists so anxious she to know, And hears a stranger's voice below; This Nobody, how strange I think, QUIN AND THE BEAU. › Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, quite languid with the beat of the day. "Waiter," said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, "Waiter, fetch me a dish of coffee, as weak as water, and as cool as a zephyr!" Quin, in a voice of thunder, imme diately vociferated, "Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as h-I), and strong as d- -t-n." The beau starting, exclaimed, "Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman's name?" Quin, in the same tremendous tone, exclaimed, " Waiter, pray what is that lady's name." DEBTOR AND CREDITOR. The tradesmen of a man of fashion having dunned him for a long time, he desired his servant Who's there?"--but calls in vain: one morning to admit the tailor, who had not Why, Jane, who is it you've got there?" DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE AND THE DUSTMAN. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and was abont to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught a glance of her countenance, and in stantly exclaimed, "Love and bless you, my lady, Tremendous and loud were the gentleman's cries, let me light my pipe in your eyes!" The duch- While out came a tooth, to the patient's surprise. ess was so delighted with this compliment, that" Ouns! sir, you have drawn the best tooth that she frequently afterwards checked the strain of I had, adulation, which was so constantly offered to her Instead of the one that's so grievously bad;"! charms, by saying, "Oh! after the dustman's" That's my loss," cried Jalap, I've now double compliment, all others are insipid." labour, INGENIOUS EVASION. A prisoner being brought up to Bow-street, the following dialogue passed between him and the fitting magistrate: "How do you live?" Pretty well, sir; generally a joint and a pudding at dinner?"-" I mean, sir, how do you get your bread "-"I beg your worship's pardon; sometimes at the baker's and sometimes at the chandler's shop." You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, how do you do?"—"Tolerably well, I thank your worship; I hope your worship is well." MR. THELWALL AND MR. ERSKINE. When Mr. Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high-treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it to bis counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determmed to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrole under it," If you do, you'll be hanged; to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply, "I'll be hang'd, then, if I do." GEORGE BARKER AND THE TOOTH-DRAWER. The famous George Barker was laid up one day, For needs must I take out its troublesome neigh- George wou'd have replied, but t'other in popp'd stopp'd, Then spite of odd gestures, and even wry face, Pray look at the rotten old stump I'd to draw, Yet the Birch on each bough, on the top of each switch, Bears the essence of grammar, the eight parts of speech. Mongst the leaves is conceal'd more than mem'ry can mention, One day as Dr. Young was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two ladies, (one of whom he afterwards married,) the servant came to tell him that a gentleman wished to speak with him."Tell him," said the doctor, "I am too happily engaged to change my situation." The ladies insisted he should go, but, as persua sion had no effect, one took him by the right arm, Each duly arrang'd in a parallel line, the other by the left, and led him to the garden-Tied up in nine folds of a mystical string, gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, And soak'd for nine hours in cold HELICON's and spoke the following lines:spring "Thus Adam look'd, when from the garden driv'n, All cases, all genders, all forms of declension. Is a sceptre compos'd for a pedagogue's hand. Apply but this magical wand-with a stroke, And if MORPHEUS our temples in Lethe should These switches untie all the fetters of sleep. |