THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. CHARITABLE FRAUD The Archbishop of Aix, on hearing that his friend Saint Francois de Sales had been canonized, pronounced him a gallant, amiable, and honest man, although he would cheat at piquet."-" But, r," said some one present," is it possible that a saint could be a sharper at play ?"-"No," replied the Archbishop," he said as a reason for it, that he gave all his winnings to the poor." LORD ORRERY. Lord Orrery, the friend and biographer of Swift, had such an unbounded love for the classics, that he bestowed classical appellations on the dumb parts of his household. His dog bore the nne of Caesar. Cæsar, however, one day giving his lordship a most unclassical bite, his lordship rized a cane, and pursued him round the room with great solemnity, uttering the while, this truly classical menace : Cæsar! Cæsar! if I could catch thee, Cæsar, I would give thee as many wounds as Brutus gave thy namesake in the capitol!" PETER PINDAR. up a board, to scare offenders by the notification that" Steel traps and spring guns are set in these grounds;" but finding that even this was treated with contempt, and his fruit, &c. vanished as before, he caused to be painted in very prominent letters underneath-“No Joke, by G-d!" which had the desired effect. THE SAFE SIDE. During the riots of 1780, most persons in London in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors," No Popery!" Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his "No Religion!"" DR. SOUTH. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, was asked to stay dinner, which he accepted of; the gentleman stepped into the next room and told his wife, and desired she would provide some thing extraordinary. Hereupon she began to mur. mur and scold, and made a thousand words; till, at length, her husband, provoked at her bebaviour, protested, that, if it was not for the stranger Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. ralled one day upon the publisher of his works, Upon which the doctor, who heard all that passway of enquiring into the literary and other of the day. After some chat, the doctored, immediately stepped out, crying, "I beg, Sir, asked to take a glass of wine with the seller you will make no stranger of me. his wit and poetry. The doctor consented to wept of a little negus, when instantly was preQuin was asked once what he thought of turtleted to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of By G-d," said he, "it is a thousand Iman carved on it. "Eh! eh!" says the doctor, eating. shat have we here?"-" A man's skull," re- pitics, that, on such an occasion, a man had not the bookseller, "a poet's for what I know."a stomach as long as the cable of a first-rate Kothing more likely," rejoined the doctor, man-of-war, and every inchi palate.” it is universally known that all you booksellers your wine from our skulls.” QUIN ON TURTLE EATING. SMART RETORT. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn together; the former said, "this is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a garret."-"You fool," said Garret, "don't you know there must be chambers first." PETER WALTERS. A gentleman, not so remarkable for his economy as his wit and humour, was one day rallying For my sword upon his shoulder, our new knight dre back, and hung down his head, as if out of cous tenance. "Don't be ashamed," said the king is I have the most reason to be so.” THE CANON AND VICAR. A canon of Windsor, who was taking his eve the late Peter Walters on his avarice. part," quoth the gentleman, "I don't know any difference between a shilling and sixpence, for when one is changed, it is gone, and so is the ing walk into the town, met one of the vicars other."-"Ah," says Peter, my old friend, you may not know the difference between a shilling and a sixpence now, but believe me you will when you come to be worth but eighteen-pence." THE SENATOR. A senator, who is not esteemed the wisest man in the House, has a custom of shaking his head when another speaks; which giving offence to a particular person, he complained of the indignity. Hereupon, one who had been acquainted with the first gentleman from a child, as he told the House, assured them it was only the effect of an ill-habit, "for," said he, "though he often shakes his head, there is nothing in it." THE LAWYER AND THE FARMER. the castle gate, returning home somewhat elevate with generous port. "So," says the cano from whence come you?"-“I don't know Mr. Canon," replied the vicar; "I have be spinning out this afternoon with a few friends. "Ay, and now," says the canon, you a reeling it home." LORD B The late Colonel Chartres reflecting upon ill-life and public character, told a nobleman, such a thing as a good name could be purcha> he would freely give 10,0001. for it The nob mau said, "it would be the worst money he ev King Charles II. being prevailed upon, by one laid out in his life."" Why so?" said the colon of his courtiers, to knight a very worthless fellow," Because," replied his lordship, "you wa and of mean aspect, when he was going to lay the certainly forfeit it again in less than a week." KING CHARLES. THE TWO SISTERS. An ill-humoured wife, abusing her husband on his mercenary disposition, told him that if she was dead, he would marry the devil's eldest daughter, if he could get any thing by it, "That's true,' replied the husband, "but the worst of it is one can't marry two sisters." TO A BAD fiddler. When Orpheus (as old stories shew) TRUE PATRIOTISM A few years ago one of the male convicts in Botany-Bay wrote a farce; which was acted with great applause on the theatre, in Port Jackson. Barrington, the noted pick pocket, furnished the prologue, which ended with these lines : Tree patriots we, for be it understood, ALL GONE OUT. Not long since a gentleman near Birmingham, having occasion to see a friend, called at his house, and was told he was gone out; to save the trouble ef calling again, he expressed a wish to see the mistress, but she also was gone out. That no Me might be lost, he requested to see the young Baxter, but be likewise was out. Wishing, however, not to go without accomplishing his business, on saying he would then walk in, and sit by the fretill one of them returned, he was told by Pat, *Indeed, Sir, and you can't, for that is gone out ies Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so bad?" I have good reason for it," answered the other," poor Jack, the greatest croney and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but two days ago." What had he done?" said EPITAPH ON A MAN AND HIS WIFE. A wonder to behold: Husband and wife, in one dark pit, Tread softly tho', for fear she wakes ;— Hark, she begins already : You've hurt my head;-my shoulder akcs;— Ah, friend! with happy freedom blest! THE EXECUTION. An under-sheriff having to attend a malefactor to execution on a Friday, went to him the Wednesday before, to ask the following favour: " My good friend," said the sheriff," you know I have orders to see you executed next Friday; now I have business of the utmost importance at London on that day, and as you must die so soon, one day's difference can make no odds, and I should take it as a particular favour if you would be hanged on Thursday morning." The prisoner replied, "I am very sorry I cannot oblige you in this particular; for I have some business of great importance on Friday morning but, Mr. Sheriff, to shew you that am not an un grateful man, suppose we put off this said execu tion till Monday morning; if you like that, Mr. Sheriff, I'll agree to it with all my heart." EXCHANGING SERMONS. to have annual visitations, in order to settle the affairs of the church. There belonged to a society of this sort, in Dorsetshire, a clergyman, who made excellent sermons, but preached them badly. At one of these meetings, after the gentlemen' had dined, and the servants were seated down together, this clergyman's man asked another," what so many parsons met together for ?"-" Why," answered be, "to swap sermons." Aye," quoth the former," then my master is always most damnably cheated, for he never gets a good one,' EPITAPH ON MR. FOOTE. Here lies one Foot, whose death may thousands Counsel. Pray do you know one Mr. Parsons, It is customary for the clergy in most counties how does he behave in your town? THE LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER. Walpole. Sir, be is a well-built man for" Scoundrel, begone! and henceforth touch me not; strength, he goes in a blue coat and buckskin pair of breeches. More manners learn, and at a distance rot." Counsel, Sir, I don't ask you what sort of a" How! scoundrel!" in a baughtier tone, said he, man he is, nor what dress he goes in. "Proud lump of dirt! I scorn thy words, and Walpole, Sir, as I am upon my oath, I thought I must give an account of all I know of him. Counsel. Yes, Sir, relating to the questions ked you. I mean, how does he behave, that is, does he behave well in your town? Walpole. Yes, Sir, very well; only he goes a little hobbling, but that he cannot help. Counsel. Sir, you do not take me right; has he a clear character of an honest, sober, well betaved man in your town? thee; Here all are equal; now thy case is mine; 66 A STUTTERING WAG. A person once knocked at the door of a collegefellow, to enquire the apartments of a particular gentleman. When the fellow made his appearance, Sir," said the enquirer," will you be so obliging as to direct me to the rooms of Mr.He Walpole. Yes, Sir, that he has; it is as seldom The fellow had the misfortune to stutter. be gets drunk as any man in town; perhaps in a began," S-S-S pl-pl-please to go to~ morning he will call on me to goto Tom Tunmore's, then stopped short. At length, collecting all his but we seldom drink above two or three full pots indignation to the tip of his tongue, he poured in a morning, and he goes home very sober consi-out a frightful' expression, adding, as he shut the dering. door," You will find him sooner than I can direct Counsel. Pray, Sir, do you call it a sober you." ng man that drinks two or three full pots in a Boring? Walpole. He is a very moderate man in drinkng. he seldom takes more than half his share. Counsellor. Then, Sir, you have a good partner. Walpole Sir, I like such meu best, and so des he, and we agree extremely well together, darver quarrel over our cups, that's all I know PARLIAMENTARY REFORM. When Horne Tooke was rejected by the House Gen, that buried with my fellow clay, BARRY AND HIS CARPENTER. and The Dublin theatre, during Mr. Barry's manage. ment, failed, and he was considerably indebted to his actors, musicians, &c. Among others, the master-carpenter called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding his money. Barry came to the head of the stairs, and asked what wa the matter?" Matter enough," replied the carpen ter, "I want my money, and can't get it."Do me "Don't be in a passion," said Barry. the favour to walk up stairs, if you please, and we will speak upon the business,""Not I, by J66 you owe me Mr. Barry;" cried the carpenter, a hundred pounds already, and if I come up you will owe me two before I leave you." MR. BURKITT. Mr. William Burkitt, author of a Practical Exposition of the New Testament, and other reliHe was edu gious books, was a facetious man. cated at Cambridge, and afterwards became mi? |