"I send you the following cases, according to vation of voice took place, and Mr. Belfry, desire: being no longer able to articulate, is become a very companionable man, and is now in as much request with his club, as heretofore he was in disgrace with it. "Counsellor Clack is a young man of quick parts, ready wit, and strong imagination, but sorely troubled with the disease called Lingua volubilis cum sui ipsius amore nimio et prægravante.-This patient was radically cured by a strong dose of his own praises which I took from his mouth, and made him swallow grain for grain as he had uttered them: the nausea occa “A young man, known to his familiars by the name of Jack Chatter, came under my hands: the symptoms of his disorder may be thus described-Garrulitas vix intermissa cum cachinno tantùm non continuo.—Garrulity attended with immoderate fits of laughing is no uncommon case, when the provocation thereunto springs from jokes of a man's own making; but there was this peculiarity in Mr. Chatter's disease, that he would laugh where no jest was, or even at the jests of other people, rather than not laugh at all. I soon perceived this to be occasioned by this dose operated so strongly on his sioned by exceedingly weak intellects, and an constitution as totally to eradicate all seeds of even row of very white teeth. As his malady self consequence, and the counsellor is become would not yield to the ordinary prescriptions, I one of the modestest men, and best hearers in was forced to throw him into a regimen of skat- | his profession. ing, for which the season was then favourable. The operation succeeded to my warmest wishes, and the patient was effectually silenced by a happy dislocation of two of his fore teeth from a fall on the ice. her. "Miss Kitty Scandal was put into my hands by her acquaintance in a very deplorable condition; it was the cacoethes defamationis scabiosum: the common antidotes had no effect upon I administered detergents out of Miss Carter's Epictetus and Mrs. Chapone's Letters, but the dose would not stay upon her stomach; I tried the Pythagorean pill, but with no better success. As the patient had a remarkable swelling about the waist, which I conceived might arise from an overflowing of the spleen, I called in my excellent friend, Dr. Ford. The doctor delivered her of her swelling, and Miss Kitty Scandal has not been known to open her lips since. "Tom Belfry was the nuisance of society: he applied to me when he was far gone indeed; he had been black balled by half the clubs in town, and sent to Coventry by the other half. I examined his case, and found it under the following class-Vox stentoria, sempiterna, cum cerebello vacuo, necnon auribus obtusis admodum ac inertibus.—As his organs of speech seemed in want of immediate modulation, I tried the pitch pipe upon him repeatedly, but the vehemence of his complaint baffled all my efforts: I could never bring him down within a full octave of scund health. I was unwilling to proceed to extremities till I had done all that my more regular practice could suggest for his relief; but when I found none but desperate remedies could save him, I caused a vein to be opened in bis right arin, and drew out fourteen ounces of blood: this was in the month of March last, and the wind was then in the east with sleet and rain. I immediately ordered the patient to take boat at Blackfriars, and be rowed to Chelsea Reach and back again in an open wherry. The expected consequence ensued: a total depri "Captain Swagger was continually talking of battles, and sieges, and campaigns, though he had never seen either: he arraigned the conduct of every enterprise; and proved to demonstration, by the force of oaths, how much better it would have been managed had he been the commander. The symptoms were too apparent to be mistaken —Os grandiloquum, rotundum, cum dextrû bello frigidâ.-In this state of his disorder he was recommended to my care by the officers of his mess. I found the tumefaction so vehement that I prescribed an opening by incision. The captain was accordingly sent out by his commanding officer upon a scouting party, and suffered a surprise, which effectually repelled the tumefaction. Mr. Swagger threw up his commission, and has been a very silent member of the civil community ever since. "I have sent you these cases out of many, as being peculiar; in common cases, the general method I take to bring any gentleman to a patient hearing, is to entertain him with his own commendations. If this simple medicine will not serve, I am forced to dash it with a few drops of slander, which is the best appeaser I know; for many of my patients will listen to that when nothing else can silence them. This recipe, however, is not palatable, nor ought it to be used but with caution and discretion; I keep it, therefore, in reserve like laudanum for special occasions. When a patient far advanced towards his cure, I take him with me to the gallery of the House of Commons, when certain orators, whom I have in my eye, are upon their legs to harangue; and I have always found if a convalescent can hear that he can hear any thing. "I am, Sir, yours to command, I am not so partial to my correspondent as to defend him in all his proceedings, and I suspect that, whilst he is labouring to restore his patients to their ears, he may chance to take I much question if any of his professed scholars ever did him greater credit since the time he first struck out the popular project of driving all religion out of the world, and introducing pleasure and voluptuousness in its stead. away their lives. Men who act upon system | doctrines, which he laid down by system, that are apt to strain it too far; and as prevention is always to be preferred to remedy, I could wish that parents would take early care to instruct their children in the art of hearing, if it were only to guard them against falling into Mr. Fish's hands, when the malady may become stubborn. I shall suggest one hint in the way of advice to fathers and mothers, which, if they are pleased to attend to it, may perhaps save some future trouble and vexation. Quare religio pedibus subjecta vicissim We tread religion under foot and rise So far from meaning to oppose myself to such a host of gay and happy mortals, I wish to gain a merit with them by adding to their stock of pleasures, and suggesting some hints of en covery which they well know was considered by the kings of Persia (who practised their philosophy in very ancient times) as a service of such importance to all the sect (who had even then worn out most of their old pleasures), that a very considerable reward was offered to the inventor of any new one. How the stock at present stands with our modern voluptuaries I cannot pretend to say, but I suspect, from certain symptoms which have fallen under my observation, that it is nearly run out with some amongst them; to such in particular I flatter myself my discoveries will prove of value, and I have for their use composed the following meditation, which I have put together in the form of a soliloquy, solving it step by step as regularly as any proposition in Euclid, and I will boldly vouch it to be as mathematically true. there is any one postulatum in the whole, which the truest voluptuary will not admit to be orthodox Epicurism, I will consent to give up my system for nonsense and myself for an im I would wish all persons to believe, that the human character begins to fix itself much earlier in life than they are generally aware of. There is something very captivating in the dawning ideas of our children; we are apt to flatter and caress them for their early vivacity;joyments, which may be new to them; a diswe tell their smart sayings and repartees with a kind of triumph even in their presence, and the company we tell them to are always polite enough to applaud and admire them. By these means we instil our own vanity into their infant minds, and push their genius into prematurity. The forwardness which this practice of ours is sure to create passes off agreeably for a time; but, when infancy ceases, it begins to annoy us, and Miss or Master appears insupportably pert. The parent then finds himself obliged to turn the other side of his countenance upon the witticisms of his child; this is not only a painful task but, probably, a fruitless one; for the child by this time has made its party, and can find its admirers elsewhere: every obliging visitor makes interest with the clever little creature; the nursery, the kitchen, the stables echo with applause; it can chatter, or mimic, or act its tricks before the servants, and be sure of an audience; the mischief is done, and the parent may snub to no purpose. Let parents, therefore, first correct them-postor; I condition only with the pupil of selves before they undertake that office for their children: education is incompatible with selfindulgence, and the impulse of vanity is too often mistaken for the impulse of nature: when Miss is a wit, I am apt to suspect that her mother is not over wise. If pleasure, that whilst he reads he will reflect, that he will deal candidly with the truth, and that he will once in his life permit a certain faculty called reason, which I hope he is possessed of, to come into use upon this occasion; a faculty, which, though he may not hitherto have employed, is yet capable of supplying him with more true and lasting pleasures, than any his philosophy can furnish. I now recommend him to the following meditation, which I have entitled 66 THE VOLUPTUARY'S SOLILOQUY. "I find myself in possession of an estate, which has devolved upon me without any pains of my own: I have youth and health to enjoy it, and I am determined so to do: pleasure is my object, and I must therefore so contrive as to make that object lasting and satisfactory. If I throw the means away, I can no longer compass the end; this is self-eviuent; I perceive, therefore, that I must not game; for though I like play, I do not like to lose that which alone can purchase every pleasure I propose to enjoy; and I do not see that the chance of winning other people's money can compensate for the pain I must suffer if I lose my own; an addition to my fortune can only give superfluities; the loss of it may take away even necessaries; and in the meantime I have enough for every other gratification but the desperate one of deep play: it is resolved, therefore, that I will not be a gamester: there is not common sense in the thought, and therefore I renounce it. is my only object, and this I take it is a sort of pleasure that does not consist in participation. "The next question is, how I must contrive to keep her to myself.-Not by force; not by locking her up; there is no pleasure in that notion; compulsion is out of the case; inclination therefore is the next thing; I must make it her own choice to be faithful: it seems then to be incumbent upon me to make a wise choice, to look well before I fix upon a wife, and to use her well, when I have fixed; I will be very kind to her, because I will not destroy my own pleasure: and I will be very careful of the temptations I expose her to, for the same reason. She shall not lead the life of your fine "But if I give up gaming, I will take my swing of pleasure; that I am determined upon. I must, therefore, ask myself the question, what is pleasure? Is it high living and hard drink-town ladies; I have a charming place in the ing? I have my own choice to make, therefore country; I will pass most of my time in the I must take some time to consider it. There is country; there she will be safe, and I shall be nothing very elegant in it I must confess; a happy. I love pleasure, and therefore I will glutton is but a sorry fellow, and a drunkard is have little to do with that curst intriguing town a beast: besides I am not sure my constitution of London; I am determined to make my can stand against it; I shall get the gout, that house in the country as pleasant as it is possible. would be the devil; I shall grow out of all shape; I shall have a red face full of blotches, a foul breath, and be loathsome to the women: I cannot bear to think of that, for I doat upon the women, and therefore adieu to the bottle and all its concomitants; I prefer the favours of the fair sex to the company of the soakers, and so there is an end to all drinking; I will be sober only because I love pleasure. "But if I give up wine for women, I will repay myself for the sacrifice; I will have the finest girls that money can purchase-Money, did I say? What a sound has that!-Am I to buy beauty with money, and cannot I buy love too? for there is no pleasure even in beauty without love. I find myself gravelled by this unlucky question: mercenary love! That is nonsense; it is flat hypocrisy; it is disgusting. I should loathe the fawning caresses of a dissembling harlot, whom I pay for false fondness. I find I am wrong again: I cannot fall in love with a barlot; she must be a modest woman; and when that befalls me, what then? Why then, if I am terribly in love indeed, and cannot be happy without her, there is no other choice left me; I think I must even marry her! Nay, I am sure I must; for if pleasure leads that way, pleasure is my object, and marriage is my lot: I am determined therefore to marry, only because I love pleasure. "Well! now that I have given up all other women for a wife, I am resolved to take pleasure enough in the possession of her; must be cautious therefore that nobody else takes the same pleasure too; for otherwise how have I bettered myself? I might as well have remained upon the common. I should be a fool indeed to pay such a price for a purchase, and let in my neighbours for a share; therefore I am determined to keep her to myself, for pleasure "But if I give up the gayeties of a town life, and the club, and the gaming-table, and the girls, for a wife and the country, I will have the sports of the country in perfection; I will keep the best pack of hounds in England, and hunt every day in the week. But hold a moment there! What will become of my wife all the while I am following the hounds? Will she follow nobody? will nobody follow her? A pretty figure I shall make, to be chasing the stag, and come with the horns. At least I shall not risk the experiment; I shall not like to leave her at home, and I cannot take her with me, for that would spoil my pleasure; and I hate a horsedog woman; I will keep no whipperin in petticoats. I perceive therefore I must give up the hounds, for I am determined nothing shall stand in the way of my pleasure. "Why then I must find out some amusements that my wife can partake in; we must ride about the park in fine weather; we must visit the grounds and the gardens, and plan out improvements, and make plantations; it will be rare employment for the poor people-that is a thought that never struck me before; methinks there must be a great deal of pleasure in setting the poor to work-I shall like a farm for the same reason; and my wife will take pleasure in a dairy; she shall have the most elegant dairy in England; and I will build a conservatory, and she shall have such plants and such flowers! I have a notion I shall take pleasure in them myself-and then there is a thousand things to do within doors; it is a fine old mansion, that is the truth of it: I will give it an entire repair; it wants new furniture ; that will be very pleasant work for my wife: I perceive I could not afford to keep hounds and to do this into the bargain. But this will give me the most pleasure all to nothing, and then my wife will partake of it and we will the private system rose and the public sunk on have music and books-I recollect that I have got an excellent library ;-there is another pleasure I had never thought of and then no doubt we shall have children, and they are very pleasant company, when they can talk and understand what is said to them; and now I begin to reflect, I find there is a vast many pleasures in the life I have chalked out, and what a fool should I be to throw away my money at the gaming-table, or my health at any table, or my affections upon harlots, or my time upon hounds and horses, or employ either money, affections, or time, in any other pleasures or pursuits than these, which I now perceive will lead me to solid happiness in this life, and secure a good chance for what may befall me hereafter!" GEMINUS and Gemellus were twin sons of a country gentleman of fortune, whom I shall call Euphorion; when they were of age to begin their grammar learning, Euphorion found himself exceedingly puzzled to decide upon the best mode of education; he had read several treatises on the subject, which instead of clearing up his difficulties had increased them; he had consulted the opinions of his friends and neighbours, and he found those so equally divided, and so much to be said on both sides that he could determine upon neither; unfortunately for Euphorion he had no partialities of his own, for the good gentleman had had little or no education himself: the clergyman of the parish preached up the moral advantages of private tuition, the lawyer, his near neighbour, dazzled his imagination with the connexions and knowledge of the world to be gained in a public school. Euphorion perceiving himself in a strait between two roads, and not knowing which to prefer, cut the difficulty by taking both; so that Geminus was put under the private tuition of the clergyman above mentioned, and Gemellus was taken up to town by the lawyer to be entered at Westminster school. Euphorion having thus put the two systems fairly to issue, waited the event, but every time that Gemellus came home at the breaking up, the comparison in the father's mind, for Gemellus's appearance no longer kept pace with his brother's; wild and ragged as a colt, battered and bruised and dishevelled, he hardly seemed of the same species with the spruce little master in the parlour; Euphorion was shocked to find that his manners were no less altered than his person, for he herded with the servants in the stable, was for ever under the horses' heels, and foremost in all games and sports with the idle boys of the parish; this was a sore offence in Euphorion's eyes, for he abhorred low company, and being the first gentleman of his family, seemed determined to keep up to the title: misfortunes multiplied upon poor Gemellus, and every thing conspired to put him in complete disgrace, for he began to corrupt his brother, and was detected in debauching him to a game at cricket, from which Geminus was brought home with a bruise on the shin, that made a week's work for the surgeon; and what was still worse, there was conviction of the blow being given by a ball from Gemellus's bat; this brought on a severe interdiction of all further fellowship between the brothers, and they were effectually kept apart for the future. A suspicion now took place in the father's mind, that Gemellus had made as little progress in his books as he had in his manners; but as this was a discovery he could not venture upon in person, he substituted his proxy for the undertaking. Gemellus had so many evasions and alibis in resource that it was long before the clergyman could bring the case to a hearing, and the report was not very favourably in any sense to the unlucky schoolboy, for Gemellus had been seized with a violent fit of sneezing in the crisis of examination, to the great annoyance of the worthy preceptor, who was forced to break up the conference re infecta and in some disorder, for amongst other damages which had accrued to his person and apparel, he presented himself to the wondering eyes of Euphorion with a huge black bush wig stuck full of paper darts, and as thickly spiked as the back of a porcupine. The culprit was instantly summoned, and made no other defence, than that they slipt out of his hand, and he did not go to do it." "Are these your Westminster tricks, sirrah ?" cried the angry father, and aiming a blow at his skull with his crutch, brought the wrong person to the ground; for the nimble culprit had slipt out of the way, and Euphorion, being weak and gouty, literally followed the blow and was laid sprawling on the floor: Gemellus flew to his assistance, and jointly with the parson got him on his legs, but his anger was now so inflamed that Gemellus was ordered out of the room under sentence of immediate dismission to school; Euphorion declared he was so totally spoiled, that he would not be troubled with him any longer in his fa mily else he would instantly have reversed his | who came out upon the alarm with all the speed education; it was now too late (he observed to he could muster. Gemellus stood his ground, the parson, whilst he was drawing the paper and after a severe caning was ordered to ask darts from his wig), and therefore he should re- pardon of his brother: this he peremptorily turn to the place from whence he came, and refused to do, alleging that he had been punishorder was given for passing him off by the stage ed already, and to be beaten and beg pardon too next morning. was more than he would submit to. No menaces being able to bring this refractory spirit to submission, he was sent off to school pennyless, and a letter was written to the master, setting forth his offence, and in strong terms censuring his want of discipline for not correcting so stubborn a temper and so idle a disposition. A question was asked about his holiday task, but Geminus, who had now entered his father's chamber, in a mild and pacifying tone assured Euphorion that his brother was provided in that respect, for that he himself had done the task for him; this was pouring oil upon flame, and the idle culprit was once more called to the bar to receive a most severe reprimand for his meanness in imposing on his brother's good nature, with many dunces and blockheads cast in his teeth, for not being able to do his own business. Gemellus was nettled with these reproaches, but more than all with his brother for betraying him; and, drawing the task out of his pocket, rolled it in his hand and threw it towards the author, saying "he was a shabby fellow; and for his part he scorned to be obliged to any body that would do a favour and then boast of it."-Recollecting himself in a moment afterwards, he turned towards his father, and begged his pardon for all offences: "he hoped he was not such a blockhead but he could do his task, if he pleased, and he would instantly set about it and send it down, to convince him that he could do his own business without any body's help." So saying he went out of the room in great haste, and in less time than could be expected brought down a portion of sacred exercise in hexameter verse which the parson candidly declared was admirably well performed for his years, adding, that although it was not without faults, there were some passages that bespoke the dawning of genius." I am obliged to you, Sir," said Gemellus, "it is more than I deserve, and I beg your pardon for the impertinence I have been guilty of."--The tears started in his eyes as he said this, and he departed without any answer from his father. He had no sooner left the room than he perceived Geminus had followed him, and, being piqued with his late treatment, turned round and with a disdainful look said-" Brother Geminus, you ought to be ashamed of yourself; if you were at Westminster, there is not a boy in the school would acknowledge you after so scandalous a behaviour."-"I care neither for you nor your school," answered the domestic youth, "it is you and not I should be ashamed of such reprobate manners, and I shall report you to my father."-" Do so," replied Gemellus, "and take that with you into the bargain.' This was immediately seconded by a sound slap on the face with his open hand, which however drew the blood in a stream from his nostrils, and he ran screaming to Euphorion, When he returned to school the master sent for him to his house, and questioned him upon the matter of complaint in his father's letter, observing that the charge being for offences out of school, he did not think it right to call him publicly to account; but, as he believed him to be a boy of honour, he expected to hear the whole truth fairly related: this drew forth the whole narrative, and Gemellus was dismissed with a gentle admonition, that could hardly be construed into a rebuke. When the next holidays were in approach, Gemellus received the following letter from his brother. "BROTHER GEMELLUS, "If you have duly repented of your behaviour "Your affectionate brother, To this letter Gemellus returned an answer as follows: "DEAR BROTHER, "I am sorry to find you still bear in mind a boyish quarrel so long past; be assured I have entirely forgiven your behaviour to me, but I cannot recollect any thing in mine to you, which I ought to ask your pardon for: whatever consequences may befall me for not complying with your condition, I shall remain "Your affectionate brother, "GEMELLUS." |