ought to be. But I hope, though it be never fo true, that I am obliged to my friends for laying their cash in my hands, fince I give it them again when they please, and leave them at their liberty to call it home, it will not hurt me with my gentle readers, Afk all the merchants who act upon confignments, Where is the neceffity (if they anfwer readily what their correfpondents draw) of their being wealthy themselves? Afk the greatest bankers, if all the men they deal with were to draw at once, what would be the confequence? But indeed a country friend has writ me a letter which gives me great mortification; wherein I find I am fo far from expecting a fupply from thence, that fome have not heard of me, and the reft do not understand me: his epiftle is as follows:

DEAR COUSIN,

I THOUGHT, when I left the town, to have raised your fame here, and helped you to fupport it by intelligence from hence; but alas! they had never heard of the Tatler until I brought down a fet. I lent them from houfe to house, but they asked me what they meant. began to enlighten them, by telling who and who were fuppofed to be intended by the characters drawn. I faid, for inftance, Chloe and Clariffa are two eminent toasts. A gentleman (who keeps his greyhound and gun, and one would think might know better) told me, he fuppofed they were papifhes, for their names were not EngJifh. Then, faid he, why do you call live people toafts? I answered, that was a new name found out by the wits, to make a lady have the fame effect, as burridge in the glafs when a man is drinking. But, fays I, fir, I perceive this is to you all bamboozling; why, you look as if you were Don Diego'd to the tune of a thousand pounds. All this good language was loft upon him he only ftared, though he is as good a fcholar as any layman in the town, except the barber. Thus, coufin, you must be content with London for the center of your wealth and fame; we have no relish for you. Wit muft defcribe its proper circumference,

1

cumference, and not go beyond it, left (like little boys, when they ftraggle out of their own parish) it may wander to places where it is not known, and be loft. Since it is fo, you must excufe me that I am forced at a visit to fit filent, and only lay up what excellent things pass at fuch converfations.

This evening I was with a couple of young ladies; one of them has the character of the prettieft company, yet really I thought her but filly; the other, who talked a great deal lefs, I obferved to have understanding. The lady, who is reckoned fuch a companion among her acquaintance, has only, with a very brifk air, a knack of faying the commoneft things: the other, with a fly serious one, fays home things enough. The first, miftrefs Giddy, is very quick; but the fecond, Mrs. Slim, fell into Giddy's own ftyle, and was as good company as the. Giddy happens to drop her glove; Slim reaches it to her. Madam, fays Giddy, I hope you will have a better office. Upon which Slim immediately repartees, and fits in her lap, and cries, Are you not forry for my heavinefs? The fly wench pleased me, to see how the hit her height of understanding fo well. We fat down to fupper. Says Giddy, Mighty prettily, two hands in a difh, and one in a purfe: fays Slim, Ay, madam, the more the merrier; the fewer the better cheer. I quickly took the hint, and was as witty and talkative as they: fays I,

He that will not when he may,

When he will, he fhall have nay;

And fo helped myfelf. Giddy turns about; What have you found your tongue? Yes, fays I, it is manners to Ipeak when I am spoken to; but your greatest talkers áre the least doers, and the ftill fow eats up all the broth. Ha ha! fays Giddy, one would think he had nothing in him, and do you hear how he talks, when he pleases! I grew immediately roguish and pleasant to a degree, in the fame ftrain. Slim, who knew how good company we had been, cries, You will certainly print this bright conversation.'

It

It is fo; and hereby you may see how finall an appearance the prettiest things faid in company make, when in print.

St. James's Coffee-house, June 20.

A MAIL from Lisbon has brought advices, of June the twelfth, from the king of Portugal's army encamped at Torre Allegada, which informs us, that the general of the army called a court martial on the fourth at the camp of Jerumena, where it was refolved, to march with a defign to attempt the fuccour of Olivenza. Accordingly the army moved on the fifth, and marched towards Badajos. Upon their approach, the marquis de Bay detached fo great a party from the blockade of Olivenza, that the marquis das Minas, at the head of a large detachment, covered a great convoy of provifions towards Olivenza, which threw in their ftores, and marched back to the main army, without moleftation from the Spaniards. They add, that each army muft neceffarily march into quarters within twenty days.

Whofoever can difcover a furgeon's apprentice who fell upon Mr. Bickerstaff's meffenger, or (as the printers call him) devil, going to the prefs, and tore out of his hand part of his effay against duels, in the fragments of which were the words, You lie, and man of honour, taken up at the Temple-gate; and the words, Perhaps,

May be not, By your leave, fir,and other terms of provocation, taken up at the door of Young Man's Coffee-houfe, fhall receive fatisfaction from Mr. Morphew, befides a fet of arguments to be spoken to any man in a paffion, which, if the said enraged man liftens to, will prevent quarrelling.

Mr. Bickerftaff does hereby give notice, that he has taken the two famous univerfities of this land under his immediate care, and does hereby promife all tutors and pupils, that he will hear what can be faid of each fide between them, and to correct them impartially, by placing them in orders and claffes in the learned world, according to their merit.'

NO.

22

NO. 32. THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 1709.

White's Chocolate-boufe, June 22.

AN anfwer to the following letter being abfolutely neceffary to be dispatched with all expedition, I must trefpafs upon all that come with horary queftions into my an ti-chamber, to give the gentleman my opinion.

• SIR,

TO ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Efquire.

June 18, 1709.

I KNOW not whether you ought to pity or laugh at ine; for I am fallen defperately in love with a profeffed Platonne, the most unaccountable creature of her fex. To hear her talk feraphics, and run over Norris, and Moor, and Milton, and the whole fet of intellectual triflers, torments me heartily; for, to a lover who understands metaphors, all this pretty prattle of ideas gives very fine views of pleasure, which only the dear declaimer prevents, by understanding them literally: why fhould she wish to be a cherubim, when it is flesh and blood that makes her adorable? If I fpeak to her, that is a high breach of the idea of intuition. If I offer at her hand or lip, fhe fhrinks from the touch like a fenfitive plant, and would contract herself into mere fpirit. She calls her chariot, vehicle; her furbelowed scarf, pinions; her blue manteau and petticoat is her azure dress; and her footman ( goes by the name of Oberon. It is my misfortune to be fix feet and a half high, two full spans between the shoulders, thirteen inches diameter in the calves; and, before I was in love, I had a noble stomach, and usually went to bed fober with two bottles. I am not quite fix and twenty, and my nofe is marked truly aquiline. For these reasons, I am in a very particular manner her averfion. What fhall I do? impudence itself cannot reclaim her. If I write miferably, the reckons me among the children of

8

perdition,

perdition, and discards me her region: if I affume the grofs and fubftantial, fhe plays the real ghoft with me, and vanishes in a moment. I had hopes in the hypocrify of her fex; but perfeverance makes it as bad as fixed averfion. I defire your opinion, whether I may not lawfully play the inquifition upon her, make use of a little force, and put her to the rack and torture, only to convince her, fhe has really fine limbs, without fpoiling or diftorting them. I expect your directions, before I proceed to dwindle and fall away with defpair; which at prefent I do not think advifable, becaufe, if fhe fhould recant, fhe may then hate me perhaps, in the other extreme, for my tenuity. I am (with impatience)

Your most humble fervant,

CHARLES STURDY.'

My patient has put his cafe with very much warmth, and represented it in fo lively a manner, that I fee both his torment and tormentor with great perfpicuity. This order of Platonic ladies are to be dealt with in a peculiar manner from the reft of the fex. Flattery is the general way, and the way in this cafe; but it is not to be done grofsly. Every man that has wit, and humour, and railTery, can make a good flatterer for women in general; but a Platonne is not to be touched with panegyric: fhe will tell you, it is a fenfuality in the foul to be delighted that way. You are not therefore to commend, but filently confent to all she does and fays. You are to confider, the fcorn of you is not humour, but opinion in her.

There were, fome years fince, a fet of thefe ladies who were of quality, and gave out, that virginity was to be their fate of life during this mortal condition, and therefore refolved to join their fortunes, and erect a nunnery. The place of refidence was pitched upon; and a pretty fituation, full of natural falls and rifings of waters, with fhady coverts, and flowery arbours, was approved by feven of the founders. There were as many of our sex who took the liberty to vifit the manfions of intended feverity; among others, a famous rake of that time, who

had