brink of the grave. Her checks were hollow and wan, her manner listless, and her step languid; and her brow wore the severe contraction so indicative both of mental and physical suffering, so that she was to all observers an object of sincere pity. "Some years afterward he encountered this same lady, but so bright, so fresh and youthful, and so joyous in expression, that he questioned himself with regard to identity. "Is it possible,' said he, 'that I see before me Mrs. B, who presented such a doleful appearance at the Springs several years ago?' "The very same.' "And pray tell me, Madam, the secret of your cure? What means did you use to attain to such vigor of mind and body-to such cheerfulness and rejuvenation?' A very simple remedy,' returned she, with a beaming face. I stopped worrying, and began to laugh; that was all.""" SOME years ago we knew an old lady whose expressions were more striking than correct. She was much disgusted at the habit of some ladies in boasting of their husbands' qualities, appearance, etc. “Once," said she, "when I was first married, I was at a tea-party, and in the afternoon all the women were telling each other what fine-looking men they were married to. I sat and listened until I thought how ashamed I should be when it was time for my Jimmy to come after me, for I knew he wasn't very handsome. Well, after a while all the men came in to supper, and I just sot and looked at the lot, and I do declare that Jimmy, alongside of them others, was a perfect Wenus!" a little weaker, but Bill's quart had become a great deal stronger. THE following curious specimen of clerical literature came under our notice lately. It is a request from one clergyman to another to announce his hour of service. Here it is, orthography, syntax, style and all, literally copied from the original: MR MC MACKRANELS plese renounc that there is pretzhing at the brederen Lest this may be worse than "Greek" to such of our readers as are uninformed in backwoods literature, we append an English rendering: MR. M'REYNOLDS, -Please announce that there is preaching at the Brethren Church this day, at 3 o'clock, by Rev. Young Lemasters. FROM Springfield, Illinois, we have the following: "The Illinois Normal University, at Bloomington, has a farm of 160 acres, which is generally let to be worked on shares.' Not long ago this land was tilled by the Hon. James Perkins, a well-known politician. He commenced operations very late in the spring, and was consequently obliged to sow a large breadth of buckwheat, which, as every farmer knows, is a very late-planted crop. It throve luxuriantly and in due time was gathered, to the extent of about eight hundred bushels. "About this time the people of Kansas were starving, and throughout the West the people were gencrously donating supplies of food, which the railroad companies as generously carried free of charge to them. Now the Hon. Perkins had discovered that buckwheat was higher at St. Louis than at Bloom FUNNY things happen all over the world, and an Indiana friend tells us of an old contraband in his neighborhood who makes himself useful in collect-ington, and concluded that it would be a fine specuing the various articles contributed to the Soldiers' Aid Society, and taking them to the head-quarters. The other day he went into one of the stores and said that he was sent for "some papers of pins to pin the 'beverages' with." Perceiving, from smiling countenances, that he had made some mistake, he repeated, "Beverages? beverages? No, no, dat ain't it; beverages am someting to eat." He got the pins although he didn't get the word bandages. A rural damsel caused some annoyance in the same store by inquiring, "Have you any blackguards?" The clerk answered decidedly in the negative. She had been sent for black silk-guards, which, after explanations, she readily obtained. BILL H exercised as much ingenuity in securing his liquor as would have secured him all that he wanted, could he have dispensed with that single article. One day he took his jug to the shop and asked for a gallon of whisky. He gave his promise to pay for it upon the spot. The jug was not empty, Bill stating that he had already bought a quart, but wished the concern filled as full as it could hold. When the gallon was poured into the jug the money was not poured out of Bill's pocket, for the latter lation to send his crop thither to be sold, making believe that it was for the benefit of the hungry settlers of Kansas. The railroad company, accordingly, took in charge the whole stock of incipient pancakes, charging nothing for the transportation. But the consignee at St. Louis was either stupid or treacherOur hero waited for his $500 draft long and patiently in vain; but at length received the following instead: ous. Hon. J. Perkins: "LEAVENWORTH, Oct. 19, 1860. "Your very generous donation (816 bush. buckwheat) duly rec'd. With many thanks in behalf of the suffering pioneers of Kansas, I remain, y'rs to command, “ ‹W. F. M. A———, Ch'n Kan. Relief Com.' "It is said that the Hon. Gentleman ever since eschews pancakes as entirely contrary to all the laws of hygeine." WE would scarcely believe that such an advertisement could be found in any newspaper, but we have it before us in a Canada journal, and the correspondent who sends it to us says that the advertiser is of the colored persuasion: MISCELLANEOUS NOTICE. R. NORRIS, living near Aldis's Mill, is making was as empty as the former was full. Promises to M. Spinning Wheels, Clock Reels, and Cheese Presses, pay were not received, and the grocer poured the gallon back again into the measure, leaving Bill to trudge off with his single quart. This, however, was more of a treasure than when he entered the shop, for it was then a quart of water, and now it was a quart of rum, not much worse for the little water with which it was diluted. The grocer's gallon was and preaches on Sundays at 2 o'clock P.M. in the Market Shed, and on Wednesdays at 7 o'clock P.M., at his hired house. This arrangement will continue for three weeks. The mingling of trades is quite as curious as that of the man who advertised "Bibles, Blackball, Butter, Testaments, Tar, Treacle, Godly Books, and Gimlets for sale here." HERE is a story that comes from Wisconsin, and the wit of it may atone for its want of gallantry: "In the town of Green Lake, Wisconsin, Old H, though rich, dislikes not only to pay his debts, but taxes particularly, and scruples at no means to avoid them. His wife has a reputation for want of veracity, and nobody would believe her. The Legislature had passed a law to compel each person to 'list' his or her personal property, under oath, and deliver the same to the Assessors. The Assessors, three in number, called upon Old Hand furnished a blank, but the old fellow did not like to come down. At a meeting of the Assessors (at a small country tavern in the same town) to perfect their roll, Old H- and a number of other persons being present, Colonel S. C, a prominent politician, and withal a great wag, was there. "The Assessors proceeded to interrogate Old H in relation to his personal property, and among other questions asked him, 'what musical iustruments he had?' "Old H replied, 'I have no musical instrument but my wife's tongue?' "The Colonel, who stood near the table, remarked immediately, 'Put him down one lyre (liar).' "Old H- after the roar was over, gave in bis inventory without any further objections." A DOYLESTON friend mentions an illustration of the progress which the schoolmaster is making in the "uninhabited" parts of Pennsylvania: "John Jobson is a lawyer there, who knows a little of every thing, and not much of any thing. He is sad on the English language, and if murdering it were a capital crime, he would have been hung long ago. The county paper, speaking of a speech John made last Fourth of July, said it was very good, but the orator slandered Lindley Murray awfully. Now when Jobson read this charge in the newspaper he was very wroth, and declared with great earnestness and an oath that he did not know Mr. Murray, and had never thought of saying a word against him. John's wife was out at tea when she first heard of the newspaper attack on her husband, and she said at once that Murray begun it by abusing her husband, and got as good as he gave!'" "And who will be the drunkards then ?" "Us boys!" Billy was thunder-struck for a moment; but recovering himself, tried to tell the boys how to escape such a fate. THE following occurred at the fall term of Common Pleas Court at N―, in H County, Ohio. J. R, of S was attorney for defendant in a civil action wherein the terms of a parole contract were in question; and in testing the memory of a witness in the cross-examination the following conversation took place: J. R. "You said that Williams, Nevin, and Stockwell were in my office at a certain time when the terms of the contract were mentioned. Now, how do you know it was them? How do you know but that it was some other persons? And how do you recollect of their being present at that particular time?" WITNESS. "Because, when they went out of the office you said, 'There goes a set of scalawags;' and I recollect the circumstance from the fact that it was the first time I ever heard that term used by any one." J. R. "You said that lawyers Winslow, Patrick, and Sutton were present on another occasion. How did you know they were lawyers; how do you know but what they were scalawags?" WITNESS. "Well I admit I did not then, nor do I now know the difference." J. R. "You can go." To revel in the Spring day, its brightness, warmth, and glow. TALKING to boys in public meetings is getting to be an art and science. Billy Ross is a great Tem-But now my eye sees carelessly green boughs and loveperance lecturer, and at Rushville, Illinois, was preaching to the young on his favorite theme. He said: "Now, boys, when I ask you a question you mustn't be afraid to speak right out and answer me. When you look around and see all these fine houses, farms, and cattle, do you ever think who owns them all now? Your fathers own them, do they not?" "Yes, Sir!" shouted a hundred voices. "Well, where will your fathers be in twenty years from now?" "Dead!" shouted the boys. ly flowers, And passionate sad tears obscure the sight of Summer showers, And the little birds sing all unheard, no more to me they're gay, For this poor heart shall ne'er again know sunshine, song, or May! I pray to God for patience till his seasons bring the day "That's right. And who will own all this prop- When His blessed angel Azraël bears me from earth erty then ?" "Us boys!" shouted the urchins. "Right. Now, tell me-did you ever, in going long the streets, notice the drunkards lounging around the saloon-doors, waiting for somebody to treat them?" away. ᏞᎥᎦᎪ. Ir has often been remarked respecting Daniel Webster that the gravity of his mind prevented any inclination or display of wit or brilliant repartee in any of his efforts in the Senate or Courts. But on one occasion, at least, he certainly proved that he "Well, where will they be in twenty years from could be as brilliant and witty as he was always pronow ?" "Yes, Sir; lots of them!" "Dead!" exclaimed the boys, found and great. Mr. Webster was once engaged in the trial of a VOL. XXV.-No. 149.-Y r* case in one of the Virginia courts, and the opposing | case, she adjusted them firmly on her nose, and took counsel was William Wirt, author of the "Life of a long stare at the singular-looking ‘edibles;' at last, Patrick Henry," which has been criticised as a brill- seizing a fork, she made a desperate thrust at one of iant romance. them, exclaiming, with a long breath, 'Heavens and yearth, who ever seen sich spiders before!"" In the progress of the case Mr. Webster produced a highly respectable witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the case, and annihilated Mr. Wirt's client. After getting through the testimony he informed Mr. Wirt, with a significant expression, that he was through with the witness, and that he was at his service. Mr. Wirt rose to commence the cross-examination, but seemed for a moment quite perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assumed a manner expressive of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly eying the witness a moment, he said, "Mr. K—, allow me to ask you whether you have ever read a work called the 'Baron Munchausen?"" Before the witness had time to reply, Mr. Webster quickly rose to his feet, and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Wirt, for the interruption; but there was one question I forgot to ask the witness, and if you will allow me that favor I promise not to interrupt you again." Mr. Wirt, in the blandest manner, replied, "Yes, most certainly;" when Mr. Webster, in the most deliberate and solemn manner, said, "Sir, have you ever read Wirt's 'Patrick Henry?"" The effect was so irresistible that even the Judge could not control his rigid features. Mr. Wirt himself joined in the momentary laugh, and turning to Mr. Webster said, "Suppose we submit this case to the jury without summing up;" which was assented to, and Mr. Webster's client won the case. LAST July a Vermont correspondent wrote to us: "I am inclined to believe that Washington will be taken now; for I heard an old lady remark, after being asked what the news was from the seat of war, 'Oho, nothing,' says she; 'only the rebels are going to attact Washington now: they have got their spiles drove to within three miles of Washington!' "The lady had been to a Sewing Society, where they had been making up hospital stores for the Vermont soldiers, and had heard the remark that the rebel pickets had already advanced to within three miles of Washington." "OUR acquaintance W, had, a few years since, a female ancestor on the maternal side, who, although residing in the vicinity of Mobile for a lifetime, had never yet been there. After repeated solicitations, however, she was induced to pay the family a visit. Her grandson, young W- then a boy of fifteen, but who already exhibited that peculiar faculty for perpetrating 'practical jokes' which characterizes him yet, persuaded the cook to place a large dish of boiled crabs before the old lady, well knowing that she had never before set her eyes on one. Upon seating herself at the table, the unusual dish attracted her attention. Carefully drawing her spectacles from their ONE of the captured at Cape Hatteras, a Lieutenant-Colonel, was a Baptist minister by profession. A chaplain who accompanied the fleet was also a Baptist clergyman. When they met the fact became mutually known. "Ah!" said the Yankee chaplain, “how I have prayed day and night for the success of this expedition! When the clouds threatened us once or twice with some of those terrible tempests that do so much damage on this coast I prayed with a fervor such as I never felt before." “And I,” said the prisoner, "prayed with all my soul that the storm might come up and spread over the entire coast with such fury that it might sweep the fleet out and drive you howling upon the shore." "But my dear friend," said the Yankee parson, with a knowing smile, "God didn't answer your prayer, did he?" The prisoner turned away with a crest-fallen look, and said no more. THE State pride of South Carolinians can be more realized now than formerly. It was the occasion of some jealous feeling in the sister State of Georgia, before they were united by their present tender ties. A Georgian, excited by the evident contempt of a South Carolinian for his sister States, is said to have remarked, "Well, you Carolinians are the most conceited people on earth! Why, you think South Carolina the only civilized part of the world. Even your children have the same feeling. One of your boys, the other day at school, when asked by his teacher how many continents there were, answered, "Five-Europe, Asia, Africa, America, and South Carolina!'" ONE of our correspondents contributes the following anecdote of a very informal preacher, who has the reputation of being extremely prosy : "On one occasion, when the thermometer stood at 80°, he manifested his weakness so much that the congregation became uneasy, and some two or three left. Before they got to the door he broke out with, 'They have got enough; their capacity is small.' And when, a few minutes after, some more followed, he stopped, and after expressing himself to the effect that a few more puffs and the chaff would all be gone,' he proceeded. But human nature is stubborn in hot weather; and when the entire congregation became extremely restless, and more were departing, he couldn't stand it, and requested that, if there was any one present who was acquainted with those individuals,' he hoped they would tell them for him that they were no gentlemen; and if they felt offended, to send them to him and he would convince them of the fact!"" THE same contributor gives a practical example of those who take no note of time: "It is no uncommon thing here for young men to go hunting on the Sabbath. Two young men recently became separated from their party, and being thirsty they called at the nearest cabin on the prairie for some water. They were surprised to find the woman of the house hard at work in front of the house doing her week's washing. She was very in- | tent upon her work, and only ceased long enough to hand them a gourd and point to the water-bucket standing on a bench near the door. "Why, my good woman,' said one of the young men, 'do you know this is Sunday?' "Sunday!' exclaimed she, drawing her hands quickly from the suds. Why no, is it? Well, I do declare now! our folks didn't say nothing about it, and we've no clock, and I guess I've lost the run o' the week somehow.' Seeing the fellows smile she colored up at once; then giving them a knowing look from her bright black eyes, she added: 'If I'd a knowed it was Sunday I wouldn't a washed; but if I did, it's no wus nor shootin', is it?' The young men left, but a clock peddler was seen crossing that very prairie in a few days after." ALMOST any grocer will tell you that he is or has been infested with a customer who is perpetually infringing on the eighth commandment. This class of pilferers is constantly tasting the cheese, or munching huge lumps of sugar, dried apples, etc. They occasionally stick their dirty fingers into the molasses hogshead, and suck them with infinite gusto. A grocer "not a thousand miles" from South Danvers was the victim of such a bore. Whenever Mr. A came to the store he would steer for the raisinbox, and deliberately abstract a handful; to the cheese, and take a generous slice; and, with a cracker and glass of water, serve himself an excellent lunch. The grocer one day undid a box of nice Malaga raisins and placed it on his counter. Mr. A, coming in, made direct tracks to them, and expressed his approbation of their quality by taking an unusu TEUTONIO GROCER.-"Ich must haben mein Cart und mein Horse, or else peoples will not know zat it be mein Cart of Visit; ven zey sees ze Cart, they know it's me." ally large handful. Our friend the grocer observ- cents out of pocket. After that he insisted upon ing this, gave orders to his clerks not to sell or allow having Mr. A's administering firm control over any one to touch the raisins in that box except Mr. his fingers, or else withdraw his patronage. A. He called frequently. At the end of six MORAL-To whom it may concern: Don't imagmonths the box of Malagas was gone; Mr. A-ine that when you purchase an ounce of pepper the had eaten them all. His bill for that time amount- grocer can afford you the gratuitous privilege of his ed to about $40, the profits on which were $3. The raisin-box. raisins (to say nothing of other nibbling) amounted, cost price, to $3 25. Thus the grocer, from that THE following reminiscence will be enjoyed in customer," in that space of time made twenty-five the midst of our great military activity: BRIDGET." Here, Mr. O'Grady, is a nice bit of Carpet Mistress told me to sell. It's as good as new, and you shall have it for Five Dollars." MR. O'GRADY. "An' cheap enough too. It's you always does the fair thing. I'll remember you about Christmas, darlint." |