Sc. I

ACT II D. PEDRO. The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you: the gentleman that danc'd with her told her she is much wrong'd by you.

2

BENE. O, she misus'd me past the endurance of a block!
An oak but with one green leaf on it would have
answer'd her; my very visor began to assume life, and
scold with her. She told me-not thinking I had been
myself that I was the Prince's Jester, and that I was
duller than a great thaw; huddling jest upon jest with
such impossible conveyance1 upon me that I stood like
a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting at me.
She speaks poniards, and every word stabs: if her
breath were as terrible as her terminations, there were
no living near her; she would infect to the North Star.
I would not marry her, though she were endow'd with
all that Adam had left him before he transgress'd: she
would have made Hercules have turn'd spit, yea, and
have cleft his club to make the fire too. Come, talk
not of her: you shall find her the infernal Até in good
apparel. I would to God some scholar would conjure
her; for certainly, while she is here, a man may live as
quiet in Hell as in a sanctuary, and people sin upon
purpose, because they would go thither; so, indeed,
all disquiet, horror, and perturbation follows her.
D. PEDRO. Look, here she comes.

243

Re-enter CLAUDIO, BEATRICE, HERO, and LEONATO. BENE. Will your Grace command me any service to the World's end? I will go on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on; I will fetch you a toothpicker now from the farthest inch of Asia; bring you the length of Prester John's foot; fetch you a hair off the great Cham's beard; do you any embassage to the Pigmies; rather than hold three words' conference with this Harpy. You have no employment for me?

253

D. PEDRO. None, but to desire your good company.
BENE. O God, Sir, here's a dish I love not: I cannot
endure my Lady Tongue.

1 preternatural contrivance.

[exit.

D. PEDRO. Come, Lady, come; you have lost the heart of ACT II
Signior Benedick.
Sc. I

BEAT. Indeed, my Lord, he lent it me awhile; and I

gave him use1 for it-a double heart for his single one: marry, once before he won it of me with false dice; therefore your Grace may well say I have lost it. 262 D. PEDRO. You have put him down, Lady, you have put him down.

BEAT. So I would not he should do me, my Lord, lest

I should prove the mother of fools. I have brought
Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.

D. PEDRO. Why, how now, Count! wherefore are you sad?
CLAUD. Not sad, my Lord.

D. PEDRO. How then? sick?

CLAUD. Neither, my Lord.

270

BEAT. The Count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor well; but civil Count-civil as an orange,' and something of that jealous complexion.

D. PEDRO. I'faith, Lady, I think your blazon to be true; though, I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is false. Here, Claudio, I have woo'd in thy name, and fair Hero is won; I have broke with her father, and his good-will obtain'd: name the day of marriage, and God give thee joy!

280

LEON. Count, take of me my daughter, and with her my fortunes: his Grace hath made the match, and all Grace say Amen to it!

BEAT. Speak, Count, 'tis your cue.

CLAUD. Silence is the perfectest herald of joy: I were

but little happy, if I could say how much. Lady, as you are mine, I am your's: I give away myself for you, and doat upon the exchange.

BEAT. Speak, Cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth with a kiss, and let not him speak neither.

290

D. PEDRO. In faith, Lady, you have a merry heart.
BEAT. Yea, my Lord; I thank it, poor fool-it keeps on
the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his
ear that he is in her heart.

CLAUD. And so she doth-Cousin !

BEAT. Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to

ACT II

Sc. I

the World' but I, and I am sunburn'd;2 I may sit in a corner, and cry Heigh-ho for a husband!

D. PEDRO. Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.

299

BEAT. I would rather have one of your father's getting. Hath your Grace ne'er a brother like you? Your father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.

D. PEDRO. Will you have me, Lady?

BEAT. No, my Lord; unless I might have another for working-days: your Grace is too costly to wear every day. But I beseech your Grace, pardon me: I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.

D. PEDRO. Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best becomes you; for out of question you were born in a merry hour.

311

BEAT. No, sure, my Lord, my mother cried; but then
there was a star danc'd, and under that was I born.
Cousins, God give you joy!

LEON. Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
BEAT. I cry you mercy, Uncle. By your Grace's pardon.

[exit.

D. PEDRO. By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.
LEON. There's little of the melancholy element in her,
my Lord: she is never sad but when she sleeps; and
not ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say
she hath often dream'd of unhappiness, and wak'd
herself with laughing.

322

D. PEDRO. She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband. LEON. O, by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit.

D. PEDRO. She were an excellent wife for Benedick. LEON. O Lord, my Lord, if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad!

D. PEDRO. Count Claudio, when mean you to go to church?

330

CLAUD. To-morrow, my Lord: Time goes on crutches till
Love have all his rites.

LEON. Not till Monday, my dear Son, which is hence a
just seven-night; and a time too brief too, to have all
things answer my mind.

D. PEDRO. Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing: but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go dully by us. I will in the interim undertake one of Hercules' labours; which is, to bring Signior Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection the one with the other. I would fain have it a match; and I doubt not but to fashion it, if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction.

344

LEON. My Lord, I am for you, though it cost me ten
nights' watchings.
CLAUD. And I, my

Lord.

D. PEDRO. And you too, gentle Hero?

HERO. I will do any modest office, my Lord, to help my cousin to a good husband.

350

D. PEDRO. And Benedick is not the unhopefullest
husband that I know. Thus far can I praise him.
He is of a noble strain, of approv'd valour, and con-
firm'd honesty. I will teach you how to humour your
cousin that she shall fall in love with Benedick; and
I, with your two helps, will so practise on Benedick
that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach,
he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this,
Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be our's,
for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me, and
I will tell you my drift.'
[exeunt.

ACT II

Sc. I

SCENE II. The Same.

Enter JOHN the Bastard and BORACHIO.

D. JOHN. It is so: the Count Claudio shall marry the daughter of Leonato.

BORA. Yea, my Lord; but I can cross it.

D. JOHN. Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be medicinable to me: I am sick in displeasure to him; and whatsoever comes athwart his affection3 ranges evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage? BORA. Not honestly, my Lord; but so covertly that no dishonesty shall appear in me.

ACT II
Sc. II

BORA. I think I told your Lordship, a year since, how much I am in the favour of Margaret, the waitinggentlewoman to Hero.

D. JOHN. I remember.

18

BORA. I can at any unseasonable instant of the night
appoint her to look out at her lady's chamber-window.
D. JOHN. What life is in that, to be the death of this
marriage?
BORA. The poison of that lies in you to temper.1 Go you
to the Prince your brother; spare not to tell him that
he hath wrong'd his honour in marrying the renown'd
Claudio (whose estimation do you mightily hold up) to
a contaminated stale, such a one as Hero.
D. JOHN. What proof shall I make of that?
BORA. Proof enough to misuse the Prince, to vex
Claudio, to undo Hero, and kill Leonato. Look you
for any other issue?

D. JOHN. Only to despite them: I will endeavour any
thing.

29

BORA. Go, then; find me a meet hour to draw Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you know that Hero loves me; intend3 a kind of zeal both to the Prince and Claudio (as in a love of your brother's honour, who hath made this match, and his friend's reputation, who is thus like to be cozen'd with the semblance of a maid) that you have discover'd thus. They will scarcely believe this without trial; offer them instances; which shall bear no less likelihood than to see me at her chamber-window; hear me call Margaret Hero; hear Margaret term me Claudio; and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding: for in the meantime I will so fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent; and there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero's disloyalty that jealousy shall be call'd assurance, and all the preparation overthrown.

D. JOHN. Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will put it in practice. Be cunning in the working this, and thy fee is a thousand ducats.

1 dispense.

49