CUPID'S CASUISTRY

BY W. J. LAMPTON

We were sitting in the moonlight
Of a radiant, rosy June night,
When I whispered: "Kitty, don't you
Wish I'd kiss you? Let me, won't you?"

Kitty was a rustic maiden,
And I thought not heavy laden
With the wisdom of the ages
Writ on cultured cupid's pages.

Kitty answered: "No, I mustn't
Let you kiss me: my ma doesn't
Think it proper that her Kitty
Be like maidens in the city."

"Oh!" I stammered. Then did Kitty
Whisper in a tone of pity:

"I might kiss you and be true, sir,
To my mother; would that do, sir?"

WHEN MAH LADY YAWNS

BY CHARLES T. GRILLEY

When mah Cah'line yawns, ah'm 'spicious

Dat she tinks de time po'pitious

Fo' me to tu'n mah 'tention to de clock upon de wall. Dat's de cue to quit mah talkin',

An' a gentle hint dat walkin'

Would flicitate de briefness of mah call.

Th' fus' gal that ah coh'ted

Ouah ma'idge it was thwa'ted

Because ah was so green ah didn' know.

When she yawns it was behoovin'

Dat dis dahkey should be movin',

Twell at las' she says, "Fo Lawd's sake, niggah, go!"

Den ah took mah hat an' stah'ted,

An f'om dat hour we pah'ted,

An ah nevah seen dat cullud gal no mo'.

But it taught me dis yer lesson

Dat a yawn am de expression

Dat invites yo' to be movin' to'ards de do'.

So take dis friendly wah'nin',

Should yo' lady love stah't yawnin'

Altho de sudden pah'ting cost yo' pain,
If she's one you'd like t' marry,
Aftah one good yawn don' tarry,

Den yo sho❜ly will be welcome da again.

WATCHIN' THE SPARKIN'

BY FRED EMERSON BROOKS

Say, Jim, ye wanter see the fun?
Jemimy's sparkin's jess begun!
Git deown-this box won't hold but one
Fer peekin' through the winder!
Yeou stay down thar jess whar ye be;
I'll tell ye all thar is to see;

Then you'll enjoy it well as me;

An' deon't yeou try to hinder!

That teacher is the dumbdest goose
That Cupid ever turned eout loose;
His learnin' hain't no sort o' use
In sparkin' our Jemimy!

Tho peekin's 'ginst the golden reule,
He told us t'other day in scheool
To watch him close; so git a steool
An' stand up here close by me.

Neow he's got suthin' in his head
That somehow ruther's gotter be said;
Keeps hitchin' up, an' blushin' red,
With one leg over t'other.

He wants to do the thing up breown.
Wall, he's the biggest gawk in teown:
Showin' her pictur's upside deown;
An' she don't know it nuther!

He's got his arm areound her chair,
And wonders if she'll leave it there.
But she looks like she didn't care!

I'll bet he's goin' to kiss 'er;
He's gittin' closer to her face,
An' pickin' out the softest place,
An' sort o' measurin' off the space,
Jess so as not to miss 'er.

If she'd git mad, an' box his ear, "Twould knock his plans clean out o' gear, An' set him back another year;

But she ain't goin' to do it:

She thinks the teacher's jess tip-top,
An' she won't let no chances drop;
If ever he sets in to pop,

She's goin' to pull him through it!

I gum! an' if he ain't the wust!
Waitin' fer her to kiss him fust!
He's goin' to do it neow er bu'st:
He's makin' preparation!

Neow watch him steppin' on her toes—
That's jess to keep her down, I s'pose.
Wall, thar, he's kissed her on the nose!
So much fer edecation!

By permission of Messrs. Forbes & Co., Chicago.

THE WAY OF A WOMAN

BY BYRON W. KING

It was the last night before leap-year; it was the last hour before leap-year; in fact, the minute-hand had moved round the dial face of the clock until it registered fifteen minutes of twelve,— fifteen minutes of leap-year. John and Mary were seated in Mary's father's parlor. There was plenty of furniture there but they were using only a limited portion of it. John watched the minute-hand move round the dial face of the clock until, like the finger of destiny, it registered fifteen minutes of twelve,-fifteen minutes of leap-year, when he gasped hard, clutched his coat collar, and said,

"Mary, in just fifteen minutes, Mary,-fifteen minutes by that clock, Mary, another year, Mary,-like the six thousand years that have gone before it, Mary,—will have gone into the great Past and be forgotten in oblivion, Mary,—and I want to ask you, Mary,-to-night, Mary, on this sofa, Mary,-if for the next six thousand years,-Mary!!!

"John," she said with a winning smile, "you seem very much excited, John,—can I do anything to help you, John ?"

"Just sit still, Mary, just sit still. In just twelve minutes, Mary, twelve minutes by this clock, Mary,-like the six thousand clocks that have gone before it, Mary,-will be forgotten, Mary, and I want to ask this clock, Mary,-to-night, on this

sofa, Mary,-if when we've been forgotten six thousand times, Mary,-in oblivion, Mary,-and six thousand sofas, Mary!!" "John," she said, more smilingly than ever, "you seem quite nervous; would you like to see father?"

"Not for the world, Mary, not for the world! In just eight minutes, Mary, eight minutes by that awful clock, we'll be forgotten, Mary, and I want to ask six thousand fathers, Mary,if when this sofa, Mary,-has been forgotten six thousand times, Mary,-in six thousand oblivions,-I want to ask six thousand Marys six thousand times, Mary !!!!"

"John," she said, "you don't seem very well. Would you like a glass of water?"

"Mary,-in just three minutes, Mary,-three minutes by that dreadful clock, Mary, we'll be forgotten, Mary,-six thousand times, and I want to ask six thousand sofas, Mary,-if when six thousand oblivions have forgotten six thousand fathers in six thousand years, I want to ask six thousand Marys, six thousand times, Mary!!!!”

Bang! the clock struck. It was leap-year. The clock struck twelve and Mary turning to John, sweetly said:

"John, it's leap-year; will you marry me?"

"Yes!!!"

Gentlemen, there is no use talking, the way of a woman beats you all.

THE YACHT CLUB SPEECH

ANONYMOUS

Mr. Chairman-a-a-a-Mr. Commodore-beg pardon-I assure you that until this moment I had not the remotest expectation that I should be called upon to reply to this toast. (Pauses, turns round, pulls MS. out of pocket and looks at it.) Therefore I must beg of you, Mr. Captain-a-a-Mr. Commatain-a-a— Mr. Mr. Cappadore-that you will pardon the confused nature of these remarks, being as they must necessarily be altogether impromptu and extempore. (Pauses, turns round and looks at MS.) But Mr. Bos'an-a-a-Mr. Bosadore-I feel-I feel even