Ah will!" Tummy says, "Nay, nay; that winnot dew. Tha was to say as tha wouldn't." "Aye, but," says Meary, "there's others can chaange their minds, Tummy, as weel as thee!" Sooa hoo gat him!

HIS BLACKSTONIAN CIRCUMLOCUTION

ANONYMOUS

"I received, this afternoon," said the bright-eyed, common-sense girl, the while a slight blush of maidenly coyness tinted her peachhued cheeks, "a written proposal of marriage from Horace J. Pokelong, the rising young attorney, and-"

"Huh! that petrified dub!" jealously ejaculated the young drygoods dealer, who had been hanging back because of his timidity and excessive adoration.

"He says," proceeded the maiden, gently ignoring the interruption, and reading aloud from the interesting document, "I have carefully and comprehensively analyzed my feelings toward you, and the result is substantially as follows, to wit: I respect, admire, adore and love you, and hereby give, grant and convey to you my heart and all my interest, right and title in and to the same, together with all my possessions and emoluments, either won, inherited or in any other manner acquired, gained, anticipated or expected, with full and complete power to use, expend, utilize, give away, bestow or otherwise make use of the same, anything heretofore stated, exprest, implied or understood, in or by my previous condition, standing, walk, attitude or actions, to the contrary notwithstanding; and I furthermore""

"I-I-!" fairly shouted the listener, springing to his feet, and extending his arms. "Miss Brisk-Maud-I love you! Will you marry me?"

"Yes, I will!" promptly answered the lass, as she contentedly snuggled up in his encircling embrace. "And I'll reply to the ponderous appeal of that pedantic procrastinator with the one expressive slangism, "Twenty-three!' I am yours, Clarence!"

KATRINA LIKES ME POODY VELL

ANONYMOUS

Somedimes ven I'm a-feeling bad,
Cause dings dey don'd go righd,
I gid so kinder awful sick,

Und lose my abbedide.

Und ven I go me to der house,
Und by dot daple sit,

Dot widdles makes me feel gwide bale,
Und I don'd kin ead a bit.

My head dot shbind arount unt rount,
Und my eyes dem look so vild,
Dot of my mudder she was dere,
She voodn't know her shild.
Dot is der dime Katrina comes,
Und nice vords she does dell,
Mit her heart a-busding oud mit loaf,
For she likes me poody vell.

She gifes me efery kind of dings
Dot she dinks will done me goot;
She cooks me shblendid sassage mead,
Und oder kinds of foot;

She ties vet rags arount my head
When dot begins to shvell,

Und soaks my feet mit Brandred's bills,
For she likes me poody vell.

She sings me nice und poody songs,

Mit a woice dot's shweed und glear,

Und says, "Dot of I vas to die

She voodn't leef a year."

Of dot aind so, or if id is,

I don'd vas going to dell;

But dis much I am villing to shwore
She likes me poody vell.

AT THE RESTAURANT

ANONYMOUS

Waiter "Well, ladies, what will it be?"

Mrs. Etamine-"I don't know what you girls are going to take, but I can't eat a thing-unless it's ice-cream."

Miss De Beige "I'm sure I don't want anything except cream. I never can eat in this hot weather."

Miss Satine-"I'd like some ice-cream, if they've got any real pistache."

Miss Foulard-“Oh, I wouldn't trust them to give me pistache here! I don't believe they know what pistache is. I'm going to take chocolate."

Mrs. E.-"I'd take chocolate, too, only it's so heavy all by itself."

Miss De B.-"Why don't you take it with strawberry?"

Mrs. E.-"Oh, I don't think strawberry and chocolate go well together! The contrast is too striking, don't you think?" Miss De B.-"Well, perhaps it is a little-loud."

Miss F.-"Lemon and chocolate are awfully nice."

Miss S.-"But there's something about pistache, don't you know, so delicate."

Miss F.-"I'm sure lemon is delicate. You can't taste any flavor at all, the way they make it at most places."

Miss S.-"But pistache is so refined, don't you know."

Mrs. E.-"Dear me, here's this man standing by waiting-it's perfectly horrid to have him looming over us like a ghost or something. Do let's give our orders and get him away!" Miss De B.-"Well, what are you going to order?” Mrs. E.-"Why, I told you-chocolate and lemon." Miss F.-"No; that was what I ordered, wasn't it?"

Mrs. E.-"Why, so it was! Chocolate and strawberry I meant. Some people think that's too heavy-too cloying, you know-but I think it's about as good as anything."

Miss De B.-"Well, I think I'll take that, too. I don't know, tho. Lemon is awfully good. I know a lady up in the Catskills -she had the loveliest little boy, just six years old, with curly hair By permission of Puck, New York

that hung ever so far down his back, and he used to come to me every morning and ask for candy in the prettiest way—just like a little dog, and he learned it all himself—his mother told me nobody taught him—tho I've always believed that that child never could have originated the idea all by himself”

Mrs. E.-"Excuse me, Clara, but the man is waiting."

Miss De B.-"As I was saying, she was poisoned by eating lemon ice-cream; but I believe they found out afterward that some one put the rat-poison in the freezer by mistake I beg your pardon, Mrs. Etamine; I didn't know you were speaking-oh, yes-strawberry ice-cream, waiter, and a fork, if you please don't bring me a spoon-I don't want it."

Miss S.-"Well, if I can't have pistache

99

Miss F.-"You can't-I'm sure they haven't got it here. I'll take let me see some chocolate, I guess. Is your chocolate good, waiter ?"

Miss S.-"Oh, it's sure to be good-they never give you bad chocolate. Well, I did want pistache; but I think I'll take lemon. Some lemon ice-cream, waiter-lemon flavor-and don't bring it in half melted."

Mrs. E. (impressively)-"Some chocolate and strawberry icecream, waiter, mixed. And a spoon. Do you understand me, waiter? A spoon. Not a fork.”

Miss F.-"Chocolate ice-cream-don't forget!"

Miss S.-"Lemon ice-cream!"

Miss De B.-"Strawberry-and a fork!"

Mrs. E.-"Chocolate and strawberry-spoon, of course, waiter. I suppose you know that.”

Waiter "Ice-cream? Yes, ma'am. We ain't got nothin' only verniller, ma'am. Yaas'm-all out of everythin' only verniller. What'll it be, ladies?”

A-FEARED OF A GAL

ANONYMOUS

Oh, darn it all! a-feared of her,
And such a mite of a gal;

Why, two of her size rolled into one

Won't ditto Sister Sal!

Her voice is sweet as the whippoorwill's,
And the sunshine's in her hair;
But I'd rather face a redskin's knife,
Or the grip of a grizzly bear.
Yet Sal says: "Why, she's such a dear,
She's just the one for you."
Oh, darn it all! a-feared of a gal,
And me just six feet two!

Tho she ain't any size, while I'm

Considerable tall,

I'm nowhere when she speaks to me,

She makes me feel so small.

My face grows red, my tongue gets hitched, The plagued thing won't go;

It riles me, 'cause it makes her think

I'm most tarnation slow.

And tho folks say she's sweet on me,
I guess it can't be true.

Oh, darn it all! a-feared of a gal,
And me just six feet two!

My sakes! just s'pose if what the folks
Is saying should be so!

Go, Cousin Jane, and speak to her,

Find out and let me know;

Tell her the gals should court the men,
For isn't this leap-year?