I want to lead off with: 'Fellow citizens, the peace has flown, and arnica reigns supreme!' I guess that will knock them.” "You don't mean arnica-you mean anarchy." "That's what I mean, of course, but every time I think anarchy I get it arnica, and I don't know but I will have to give up the speech." "Why don't you write it down?" The man took up a pen and wrote: "A-r-k-a-n-y." Then he said: "Peace has fled and arkany reigns in the land." "I told you it was anarchy." "That's so that's so. This suspense is telling on my memory like a fit of illness. Now, then, a-n-a-r-k-y, anarky, and don't you forget it. You needn't say anything about my calling in here." "Oh, that's all right. Over seven-eighths of the best speakers in town come to me for big words." "Many thanks; and now, 'Fellow citizens, peace has fled far, far away, and arkany reigns Hold on, is that the right word?" He halted at the door to examine the slip of paper, and after repeating the right word over several times he went on: "A state of anchovy is upon us, and where will it end?" As he walked up the street he was overheard to say: "Arnica! Arnica! where will it end?" CARLOTTA MIA BY T. A. DALY Giuseppe, da Barber, ees great for "mash," W'enever Giuseppe ees walk on da street, He raisa hees hat, an' he shaka hees curls, Yes playnta he gotta- Giuseppe, da Barber, he maka da eye, Carlotta she walka weeth her nose in da air, Giuseppe, da Barber, he gotta da cash, You bat my life, notta- I gotta! THE VASSAR GIRL BY WALLACE IRWIN "Oh, Martha's back from Vassar," "O Martha, come into the house and mix But Martha's accents fluttered As she murmured, as she stuttered, Ways of bacilli organic, And it throws me in a panic, pa, to mix a batch of bread." Chorus At Vassar-oh, at Vassar-oh, We do not like to sass 'er. There's nothing like the damsel with the dear old Vassar V. "Oh, Martha's back from Vassar," Said farmer James McCassar: "O Martha, go out to the barn and milk the brindle cow." But Martha cried: "Oh, bother!" And with basket-ball to hustle But I haven't got the muscle to subdue the brindle cow." Chorus At Vassar-oh, at Vassar-oh, That's what we learn at Vassar! We love our Alma Mater so We do not like to sass 'er. We have a superstition There's nothing like the damsel with the dear old Vassar V. "Oh, Martha's home from Vassar!" Cried the angry James McCassar: "O Martha, take yer study-books and don't come home no more!" So the maiden in contrition Got a typist-girl's position, Wed a millionaire named Harris Made his wife a millionairess. And she's ne'er been heard of more. Chorus At Vassar-oh, at Vassar-oh, That's what we learn at Vassar! We do not like to sass 'er. Learning's road is rough and stony; There's nothing like the maiden with the dear old Vassar V. From "Shame of the Colleges," Outing Publishing Co., by permission. A SHORT SERMON ANONYMOUS (Delivered in usual singsong style of the conventional curate.) I am going to preach to you this morning, my friends, upon the young man who was sick of the palsy. Now, this young man was sick of the palsy. The palsy, as you are all aware, is a very terrible disease, a wasting scourge. And this young man was sick of the palsy. And the palsy, as you know, is strongly hereditary. It had been in his family. His father had been sick of the palsy, and his mother had been sick of the palsy, and they had all of them, in fact, been sick of the palsy. And this young man had been sick of the palsy. Yes, my dear friends, he had had it for years and years, and he was sick of it. A LANCASHIRE DIALECTIC SKETCH (Tummy and Meary) ANONYMOUS Tummy and Meary wor barn to be wed, tha knaws. And th' neet afoor they were to be wed, Tummy he goes to Meary, and he says, "Meary, lass," he says, "I'se noonan barn to wed tha." "Oo isn't?" hoo says. "Nooa," says Tummy, "I isn't. I'se chaanged my mind." "Why, tha greeat thick-heead," hoo says, "tha's allus a-chaangin' thy mind." "Ah, weel," say Tummy, "I ha' chaanged my mind, and that's enough for thee." Weel, tha knaws Meary didn't want for to loose Tummy, for she didn't knaw where she'd pick up another as good. Soa she tried all sooarts of waays for keepin' him on. First hood tried carneyin' an' cooaxin' of him, and when she found as cooaxin' weren't o' noa use hoo tried bully-raggin' him, and when she found as bullyraggin' weren't o' noa use, she tried stratagem-and that's a woman's last resource! "Tummy," hoo says, "tho tha's a' love for me, I still ha' a gradely liking for thee, lad. And, tha sees, if tha gies me up, folks 'll lay a' blame upo' thee. Noo, I'll tell tha what tha mun do. Tha mun gooa to th' church wi' me i' th' mornin', and when the parson says to thee, 'Wilt tha ha' Meary for to be thy wedded wife?' tha mun say, 'Yes, I will.' And when th' parson says to me, 'Meary, lass, will tha ha' Tummy for to be thy wedded husband?' I'll say, 'Noa, I weean't.' And then tha'll get off scot-free, tha seeas, and th' folk'll lay a' th' blame upo' me." Weel, Tummy, he were a coward at heart, and he didn't want Meary for to gooa aboot sayin' nasty things aboot him, and so he went-poor lad! And when they'd getten to' th' church i' th' mornin', parson he says to Tummy, "Tummy," he says, "wilt thou have Meary for to be thy wedded wife?" And Tummy, he speaks oot bold-like, "Aw! Ah will!" And soona then th' parson he turns to Meary, and he says, "Meary, lass, wilt thou have Tummy for to be thy wedded husband?" And Meary shoo up and shoo says, "Aw! |