cool down here.' But dey said: 'Man alive, you better come up here in dis boat while you got a chance.' But he said: 'No, indeedy! I git aboard no boat; I'm havin' plenty fun in de water.' Well, bimeby, my bruddren, what you tink dat pore man seen? A horrible, awful shark, my bruddren; mouf wide opne, teef more'n a foot long, ready to chaw dat pore man all up de minute he catch him. Well, when he seen dat shark he begun to git awful scared, an' he holler out to de folks on board de ship: "Take me on board, take me on board, quick!' But dey said: 'No, indeed; you wouldn't come up here before, you swim now!' "He look over his shoulder an' he seen dat shark a-comin' an' he let hisself out. Fust it was de man an' den it was de shark, an' den it was de man again, dat away, my bruddren, plum to de promised land. Dat am de blessed troof I'm a-tellin' you dis minute. But what do you t'ink was a-waitin' for him on de odder shore when he got dere? A horrible, awful lion, my bruddren, was a-stan'in' dere on de shore, a-lashin' his sides wid his tail, an' a-roarin' away fit to devour dat poor nigger de minit he git on de shore.

"Well, he war powerful scared den, he don't know what he gwine to do. If he stay in de water de shark eat him up; if he go on shore de lion eat him up; he dunno what to do. But he put his trust in de Lord, an' went for de shore. Dat lion he give a fearful roar an' bound for him; but, my bruddren, as sure as you live an' breeve, dat horrible, awful lion he jump clean ober dat pore feller's head into de water; an' de shark eat de lion. But, my bruddren, don't you put your trust in no such circumstance; dat pore man he done git saved, but I tell you de Lord ain't a-gwine to furnish a lion fo' every nigger!"

HE WANTED TO KNOW

ANONYMOUS

Early one moonlight morning, in the city of London, a man was vainly trying to find his home, but being unable to locate it he called upon the services of a passer-by.

"Hey! M-m-mister (hic), will you take me to twenty-two?"

"Number twenty-Why you are standing right in front of it!" "Oh, no you d-d-don't, that's two-two, two-two!"

"Why, no, it's twenty-two."

"Say, you can't fool me. 'Nuther fellow tried to d-d-do that. He-he-he told me the other side of the street was (hic) on this side,-an' 'tisn't,-s-sit's over there. Please t-t-take me (hic) to twenty-two, will you?"

The man walked him around the block and back again. "Now, then, get out your key. I must be going."

"Say, it was m-m-mighty (hic) jolly of you to bring me all this 1-1-long way ho-ho-home, old chap!"

"That's all right. Now get your key,-hurry up."

"I'm ever so much obliged to you for bringing me all this long way ho-ho-home."

"That's all right. I must go now. Good-night."

The man had walked but a little distance when he heard his friend trying to whistle to him.

"Hey! (Tries to whistle). C-co-come here, I want ter speak to you. Now d-d-don't get mad (hic), old chap, it's important." "Well, what do you want?"

"I just want to (hic) tell you how much obliged I'm to you for bringing me all this long way home."

"You had better go to bed now, so good-night."

"Hold up, old chap, you're a-a-a-would you mind telling me what your name is?"

Here the clock in St. Paul's struck two.

"My name is St. Paul."

"Good enough, Miss Saint 'All. Much obliged to you for bring

"Never mind, good-night."

"Hey! Hi! (Tries to whistle). Mister Saint 'All-Miss Saint P-all, co-co-come here, I want to ask (hic) you something." "What!"

"Old f-f-friend, I d-d-d-d-didn't mean that, Misser Saint Faull, -I just want to ask you a persh-pershonal question, Mis-Mis"Well, what is it?"

"Misser Saint Paul, would you mind telling me whether you ever got answers to those letters you wrote to the Ephesians?"

I dropt into the post-office this morning for my mail, and just inside the door I found a little boy crying very bitterly. Naturally I asked him the cause of his trouble, and lifting his tearstained face to mine he said:

"I had two quarters, and a feller come along just now and took one away from me."

"What!" said I, "right here in the post-office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, why didn't you tell some one?"

"I did; I hollered, 'Help! help!" (Said very weakly.) "Well," I said, "is that as loud as you can holler?"

"Yes, sir."

So I took the other quarter.

GAPE-SEED

ANONYMOUS

A farmer, walking the streets of one of our big cities, looked through a window at a lot of men writing very rapidly on typewriters; and as he stood at the door with his mouth open, one of the men called out to him, "Do you wish to buy some gapeseed?" Passing on a short distance, he asked a man what the business was of the men he had just seen in the office he had passed. He was told that they wrote letters dictated by others, and transcribed all sorts of documents. The farmer returned to the office, and inquired if one of the men would write a letter for him, and was answered in the affirmative. He asked the price, and was told one dollar. After considerable talk, the bargain was made; one of the conditions being that the scribe should write just what the farmer told him to, or he should receive no pay. The man said he was ready, and the farmer dictated as follows:

"Dear wife," and then asked, "Have you got that down?" "Yes; go on."

"I went for a ride the other day-have you got that down?" "Yes; go on, go on."

"And I harnessed up the old mare into the wagon-have you got that down?"

"Yes, yes, long ago; go on."

"Why, how fast you write! And I got into the wagon, and sat down, and drew up the reins, and took the whip in my right hand-have you got that down?"

"Yes, long ago; go on."

"Dear me, how fast you write! I never saw your equal.— And I said to the old mare, 'Go 'long, and I jerked the reins pretty hard-have you got that down?"

"Yes; and I am impatiently waiting for more. I wish you wouldn't bother me with so many foolish questions. Go on with your letter."

"Well, the old mare wouldn't stir out of her tracks, and I hollered, 'Go 'long, you old jade! go 'long'-have you got that down?"

"Yes, indeed, you pestiferous fellow; go on."

(continu

"And I licked her, and licked her, and licked hering to repeat these words as rapidly as possible). "Hold on there! I have written two pages of 'licked her,' and I want the rest of the letter."

"Well, and she kicked, and she kicked, and she kickedtinuing to repeat these words with great rapidity).

-" (con

"Do go on with your letter; I have several pages of 'she kicked.''

(The farmer clucks as in urging horses to move, and continues the clucking noise with rapid repetition for some time.)

The scribe jumps up from the typewriter.

"Write it down! write it down!"

"I can't!"

"Well, then, I won't pay you."

(The scribe, gathering up his papers.) "What shall I do with all these sheets upon which I have written your nonsense?"

"You might use them in doing up your gape-seed! Good-day!"

LARIAT BILL

ANONYMOUS

"Well, stranger, 'twas somewhere in 'sixty-nine
I wore runnin' the 'Frisco fast express;
An' from Murder Creek to Blasted Pine,
Were nigh onto eighteen mile, I guess.
The road were a down-grade all the way,

An' we pulled out of Murder a little late,
So I opened the throttle wide that day,
And a mile a minute was 'bout our gait.

"My fireman's name was Lariat Bill,

A quiet man with an easy way,

Who could rope a steer with a cowboy's skill,
Which he had learned in Texas, I've heard him say:

The coil were strong as tempered steel,

An' it went like a bolt from a crossbow flung.

An' arter Bill changed from saddle to wheel,
Just over his head in the cab it hung.

"Well, as I were saying, we fairly flew

As we struck the curve at Buffalo Spring,
An' I give her full steam an' put her through,
An' the engine rocked like a living thing;
When all of a sudden I got a scare-

For thar on the track were a little child!
An' right in the path of the engine there
She held out her little hands and smiled!

"I jerked the lever and whistled for brakes,
The wheels threw sparks like a shower of gold;
But I knew the trouble a down-grade makes,
An' I set my teeth an' my flesh grew cold.
Then Lariat Bill yanked his long lasso,

An' out on the front of the engine crept―
He balanced a moment before he threw,
Then out in the air his lariat swept!"