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song I made upon this ale-house, the Second Fellow. What a pity it is the Three Pigeons.

'Squire is not come to his own. It would

be well for all the publicans within ten SONG

miles round of him. Let school-masters puzzle their brain

Tony. Ecod, and so it would, Master With grammar, and nonsense, and learn

Slang. I'd then show what it was to

keep choice of company:

Second Fellow. O, he takes after his own Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,

father for that. To be sure, old 'Squire Gives genus 6 a better discerning. Let them brag of their Heathenish Gods,

Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians;

set my eyes on. For winding the straight Their Quis, and their Quæs, and their

horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or Quods,

wench, he never had his fellow. It was a They're all but a parcel of pigeons.

saying in the place, that he kept the best Toroddle, toroddle, toroll!

horses, dogs, and girls in the whole

county. When Methodist preachers come down,

Tony. Ecod, and when I'm of age I'll be A-preaching that drinking is sinful,

no bastard, I promise you. I have been I'll wager the rascals a crown,

thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller's They always preach best with a skinful. grey mare to begin with. But come, my But when you come down with your pence,

boys, drink about and be merry, for you For a slice of their scurvy religion,

pay no reckoning. Well, Stingo, what's I'll leave it to all men of sense,

the matter? But you, my good friend, are the pigeon.?

(Enter Landlord.) Toroddle, toroddle, toroll!

Landlord. There be two gentlemen in a Then come, put the jorum 8 about,

postchaise at the door. They have lost And let us be merry and clever,

their way upo' the forest; and they are Our hearts and our liquors are stout,

talking something about Mr. Hardcastle. Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever. Tony. As sure as can be, one of them must Let some cry up woodcock or hare,

be the gentleman that's coming down to Your bustards, your ducks, and your

court my sister. Do they seem to be widgeons;

Londoners? But of all the birds in the air,

Landlord. I believe they may. They look Here's a health to the Three Jolly

woundily' like Frenchmen. Pigeons.

Tony. Then desire them to step this way, Toroddle, toroddle, toroll!

and I'll set them right in a twinkling.

(Exit Landlord.) Gentlemen, as thes Omnes. Bravo, bravo!

may n't be good enough company for you. First Fellow. The 'Squire has got spunk

step down for a moment, and I'll be with in him,

you in the squeezing of a lemon. Second Fellow. I loves to hear him sing,

(Exeunt Mob.) bekeays he never gives us nothing that's

(Tony solus.) low.

Tony. Father-in-law 10 has been calling Third Fellow. ( damn anything that's

me whelp and hound, this half year. low, I cannot bear it!

Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged Fourth Fellow. The genteel thing is the

upon the old grumbletonian. But then genteel thing at any time. If so be that I'm afraid-afraid of what? I shall a gentleman bees in a concatenation ac

soon be worth fifteen hundred a year, and cordingly.

let him frighten me out of that if he can! Third Fellow. I like the maxum of it,

(Enter Landlord, conducting Marlow and Master Muggins. What, though I am

Hastings.) obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. May this be my Marlow. What a tedious uncomfortable poison if my bear ever dances but to the day have we had of it! We were told it very genteelest of tunes. Water Parted, was but forty miles across the country, or the minuet in Ariadne.

and we have come above threescore ! 6 Presumably for 7 gull, dupe. 9 extremely (a pro- 10 Sometimes England for step genius. 8 bowl. vincial word).

wrongly used in father.

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Hastings. And all, Marlow, from that un- Landlord. Master Hardcastle's! Lack-a

accountable reserve of yours, that would daisy, my masters, you ’re come a deadly not let us enquire more frequently on the deal wrong! When you came to the botway.

tom of the hill, you should have crossed Harlow. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling down Squash Lane.

to lay myself under an obligation to every Marlow. Cross down Squash Lane! one I meet; and often stand the chance Landlord. Then you were to keep straight of an unmannerly answer.

forward, until you came to four roads. Hastings. At present, however, we are not Marlow. Come to where four roads meet! likely to receive any answer.

Tony. Ay, but you must be sure to take Tony. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm only one of them.

told you have been enquiring for one Mr. Marlow. O, sir, you ’re facetious! Hardcastle, in [these] parts. Do you Tony. Then, keeping to the right, you are know what part of the country you are to go sideways till you come upon Crackin ?

skull Common: there you must look sharp Hastings. Not in the least, sir, but should for the track of the wheel, and go forthank you for information.

ward, till you come to Farmer Murrain's Tony. Nor the way you came?

barn. Coming to the farmer's barn, you Hastings. No, sir, but if you can inform are to turn to the right, and then to the us

left, and then to the right about again, Tony. Why, gentlemen, if you know till you find out the old mill

neither the road you are going, nor where Marlow. Zounds, man! we could as soon you are, nor the road you came, the first find out the longitude! thing I have to inform you is, that you Hastings. What's to be done, Marlow? have lost your way.

Marlow. This house promises but a poor Marlow. We wanted no ghost to tell us that. reception, though, perhaps, the landlord Tony. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold can accommodate us.

as to ask the place from whence you Landlord. Alack, master, we have but one came?

spare bed in the whole house. Marlow. That's not necessary towards di- Tony. And to my knowledge, that's taken recting us where we are to go.

up by three lodgers already. (After a Tony. No offence; but question for ques- pause, in which the rest seem discon

tion is all fair, you know. Pray, gentle- certed.) I have hit it. Don't you think, men, is not this same Hardcastle a cross- Stingo, our landlady could accommodate grained, old-fashioned, whimsical fellow the gentlemen by the fire-side, withwith an ugly face, a daughter, and a three chairs and a bolster? pretty son ?

Hastings. I hate sleeping by the fire-side. Hastings. We have not seen the gentle- Marlow. And I detest your three chairs

man, but he has the family you mention. and a bolster. Tony. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trol- Tony. You do, do you?—then let me see

loping, talkative maypole The son, a what-if you go on a mile further, to the pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that Buck's Head; the old Buck's Head on the everybody is fond of!

hill, one of the best inns in the whole Marlow. Our information differs in this. county?

The daughter is said to be well-bred and Hastings. Oho! so we have escaped an beautiful; the son, an awkward booby, adventure for this night, however. reared up and spoiled at his mother's Landlord. (A part to Tony.) Sure, you apron-string.

be n't sending them to your father's as an Tony. He-he-hem—then, gentlemen, all I inn, be you?

have to tell you is, that you won't reach Tony. Mum, you fool, you. Let them find Mr. Hardcastle's house this night, I be- that out. (To them.) You have only to lieve.

keep on straight forward, till you come Hastings. Unfortunate!

to a large old house by the roadside. Tony. It's a damned long, dark, boggy, You 'll see a pair of large horns over the

dirty, dangerous way. Stingo, tell the door. That's the sign. Drive up the gentlemen the way to Mr. Hardcastle's. yard, and call stoutly about you. (Winking upon the Landlord.) Mr. Hastings. Sir, we are obliged to you. The Hardcastle's of Quagmire Marsh, you un

servants can't miss the way? derstand me.

Tony. No, no: but I tell you though, the


landlord is rich, and gcing to leave off think of talking; you must see us drink, business; so he wants to be thought a gen

and not think of drinking; you must see tleman, saving your presence, he! he! he! us eat, and not think of eating. He'll be for giving you his company,

Diggory. By the laws, your worship, and, ecod, if you mind him, he'll per- that's parfectly unpossible. Whenever suade you that his mother was an alder- Diggory sees yeating going forward, ecod,

man, and his aunt a justice of peace! he's always wishing for a mouthful himLandlord. A troublesome old bla

to be

self. sure; but ’a keeps as good wines and beds Hard. Blockhead! Is not a bellyful in as any in the whole country.

the kitchen as good as a bellyful in the Marlow. Well, if he supplies us with these, parlor? Stay your stomach with that re

we shall want no further connection. We flection.

are to turn to the right, did you say? Diggory. Ecod, I thank your worship. I'll Tony. No, no; straight forward. I'll just make a shift to stay my stomach with a

step myself, and show you a piece of the slice of cold beef in the pantıy. way. (To the Landlord.) Mum.

Ilard. Diggory, you are too talkative. Landlord. Ah, bless your heart, for a Then, if I happen to say a good thing, or

sweet, pleasant,-damned mischievous son tell a good story at table, you must not of a ore

all burst out a-laughing, as if you made (Exeunt.)

part of the company. Diggory. Then, ecod, your worship must

not tell the story of Ould Grouse in the gun-room: I can't help laughing at that

-he! he! he!—for the soul of me! We ACT II

have laughed at that these twenty years SCENE 1. An Old-Fashioned House.

-ha! ha! ha!

llard. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good (Enter Hardcastle, followed by three or

Well, honest Diggory, you may four awkward Servants.)

laugh at that—but still remember to be Hardcastle. Well, I hope you 're perfect attentive. Suppose one of the company

in the table exercise I have been teaching should call for a glass of wine, how will you these three days. You all know your you behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you posts and your places, and can show that please (to Diggory)-Eh, why don't you you have been used to good company,

move? without ever stirring from home.

Diggory. Ecod, your worship, I never have Omnes.

courage till I see the eatables and drinkHard. When company comes, you are not ables brought upo' the table, and then

to pop out and stare, and then run in I'm as bauld as a lion.

again, like frighted rabbits in a warren. Iard. What, will nobody move ? Omnes. No, no.

First Servant. I'm not to leave this Hard. You, Diggory, whom I have taken pleace.

from the barn, are to make a show at the Second Servant. I'm sure it's no pleace side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have of mine. advanced from the plough, are to place Third Servant. Not mine, for sartain. yourself behind my chair. But you 're Diggory. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna not to stand so, with your hands in your be mine. pockets. Take your hands from your Hard. You numskulls! and so while, like pockets, Roger; and from your head, you your betters, you are quarrelling for blockhead, you. See how Diggory car- places, the guests must be starved. 0. ries his hands. They ’re a little too stiff, you dunces! I find I must begin all over indeed, but that's no great matter.

again.-But don't I hear a coach drive Diggory. Ay, mind how I hold them. I into the yard? To your posts, you block

learned to hold my hands this way, when heads! I'll go in the meantime and give I was upon drill for the militia. And my old friend's son a hearty reception at so being upon drill

the gate. Hard. You must not be so talkative, Dig

(Erit Hardcastle.) gory. You must be all attention to the Diggory. By the elevens," my pleace is guests. You must hear us talk, and not gone quite out of my head.

11 A meaningless exclamation,

Ay, ay.



This way.

Roger. I know that my pleace is to be Marlow. Why, man, that's because I do everywhere!

want to steal out of the room. Faith, I First Servant. Where the devil is mine? have often formed a resolution to break Second Servant. My pleace is to be no- the ice, and rattle away at any rate. But

where at all; and so I’ze go about my I don't know how, a single glance from a business!

pair of fine eyes has totally overset my (Exeunt Servants, running about as if resolution. An impudent fellow may frighted, different ways.)

counterfeit modesty, but I'll be hanged if a modest man can

ever counterfeit (Enter Servant with candles, showing in impudence. Marlow and Hastings.)

Hastings. If you could but say half the

fine things to them that I have heard you Servant. Welcome, gentlemen, very wel- lavish upon the barmaid of an inn, or

even a college bedmakerHastings. After the disappointments of Marlow. Why, George, I can't say fine

the day, welcome once more, Charles, to things to them. They freeze, they the comforts of a clean room and a good petrify me. They may talk of a comet, fire. Upon my word, a very well-looking or a burning mountain, or some such baghouse; antique but creditable.

atelle. But to me, a modest woman, Jarlow. The usual fate of a large man- dressed out in all her finery, is the most

sion. Having first ruined the master by tremendous object of the whole creation. good housekeeping, it at last comes to Hastings. Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, levy contributions as an inn.

how can you ever expect to marry! Hastings. As you say, we passengers are Marlow. Never, unless, as among kings

to be taxed to pay all these fineries. I and princes, my bride were to be courted have often seen a good sideboard, or a by proxy. If, indeed, like an Eastern marble chimney-piece, though not actually bridegroom, one were to be introduced to put in the bill, inflame a reckoning con- a wife he never saw before, it might be foundedly.

endured. But to go through all the terMarlow. Travellers, George, must pay in rors of a formal courtship, together with

all places. The only difference, is, that the episode of aunts, grandmothers and in good inns, you pay dearly for luxuries; cousins, and at last to blurt out the broad

in bad inns, you are fleeced and starved. staring question of, madam, will you Hastings. You have lived pretty much marry me? No, no, that's a strain much

among them. In truth, I have been often above me, I assure you! surprised, that you who have seen Hastings. I pity you. But how do you much of the world, with your natural intend behaving to the lady you are come good sense, and your many opportunities, down to visit at the request of your could never yet acquire a requisite share father? of assurance.

Marlow. As I behave to all other ladies. Marlow. The Englishman's malady. But Bow very low. Answer yes, or no, to all

tell me, George, where could I have her demands—But for the rest, I don't learned that assurance you talk of? My think I shall venture to look in her face, life has been chiefly spent in a college, or till I see my father's again. an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part | Hastings. I'm surprised that one who is of the creation that chiefly teach men so warm a friend can be so cool a lover. confidence. I don't know that I was ever Marlow. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, familiarly acquainted with single my chief inducement down was to be inmodest woman-except my mother-But strumental in forwarding your happiness, among females of another class, you not my own. Miss Neville loves you, the know

family don't know you, as my friend you Hastings. Ay, among them you are im- are sure of a reception, and let honor do pudent enough of all conscience !

the rest. Marlow. They are of us, you know.

II astings. My dear Marlow! But I'll Hastings. But in the company of women suppress the emotion. Were I a wretch,

of reputation I never saw such an idiot, meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you such a trembler; you look for all the should be the last man in the world I world as if you wanted an opportunity of would apply to for assistance. But Miss stealing out of the room.

Neville's person is all I ask, and that is




thousand men,



mine, both from her deceased father's might consist of about five thousand

consent, and her own inclination. Marlow. Happy man! You have talents Marlow. The girls like finery. and art to captivate any woman.

I'm Hard. Which might consist of about five doomed to adore the sex, and yet to con

well appointed with stores, verse with the only part of it I despise. ammunition, and other implements of This stammer in my address, and this war. “Now," says the Duke of Marlawkward [un)prepossessing visage of borough to George Brooks, that stood mine, can never permit me to soar above next to him—you must have heard of the reach of a milliner's apprentice, or George Brooks; "I'll pawn my dukeone of the duchesses of Drury Lane. 12 dom,” says he, “but I take that garrison Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. without spilling a drop of blood!"

So(Enter Hardcastle.)

Marlow. What, my good friend, if you Hard. Gentlemen, once


gave us a glass of punch in the meanheartily welcome. Which is Mr. Mar- time, it would help us to carry on the low? Sir, you 're heartily welcome. ,

siege with vigor. It's not my way, you see, to receive my Hard. Punch, sir!-(Aside.) This is the friends with my back to the fire. I like most unaccountable kind of modesty I to give them a hearty reception in the old

ever met with! style at my gate. I like to see their Marlow. Yes, sir, punch! A glass of horses and trunks taken care of.

warm punch, after our journey, will be Marlow. (Aside.) He has got our names comfortable. This is Liberty Hall, you

from the servants already. (To him.) know.
We approve your caution and hospitality, Hard. Here's


sir. sir. (To Hastings.) I have been think- Marlow. (Aside.) So this fellow, in his ing, George, of changing our travelling Liberty Hall, will only let us have just dresses in the morning. I am grown con- what he pleases. foundedly ashamed of mine.

Hard. (Taking the cup.) I hope you'll Hard. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you ’ll use no find it to your mind. I have prepared it ceremony in this house.

with my own hands, and I believe you 'll II astings. I fancy, George, you 're right: own the ingredients are tolerable. Will

the first blow is half the battle. I intend you be so good as to pledge me, sir? opening the campaign with the white and Here, Mr. Marlow, here is our better aegold.

quaintance! Hard. Mr. Marlow—Mr. Hastings—gen

(Drinks.) tlemen-pray be under no constraint in Marlow. (Aside.) A very impudent felthis house. This is Liberty Hall, gentle- low this! but he's a character, and I'll

You may do just as you please humor him a little. Sir, my service to here.

you. Marlow. Yet, George, if we open the cam

(Drinks.) paign too fiercely at first, we may want Hastings. (Aside.) I this fellow ammunition before it is over. think to wants to give us his company, and forgets

reserve the embroidery to secure a retreat. that he's an innkeeper, before he has Hard. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Mar- learned to be a gentleman.

low, puts me in mind of the Duke of Marlow. From the excellence of your cup,
Marlborough, when we went to besiege my old friend, I suppose you have a good
He first summoned the garri- deal of business in this part of the coun-

try. Warm work, now and then, at eleeMarlow. Don't you think the ventre d'or tions, I suppose ?

waistcoat will do with the plain brown? Hard. No, sir, I have long given that work Hard. He first summoned the garrison,

Since our betters have hit upon which might consist of about five thou- the expedient of electing each other, sand men

there's no business for us that sell ale. II astings. I think not: brown and yellow | Hastings. So, then you have no turn for mix but very poorly.

politics, I find. Hard. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling Hard. Not in the least. There was a time, you, he summoned the garrison, which indeed, I fretted myself about the mis





13 Where the English and their allies were beaten by the French in 1712.

12 courtesans.

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