SCENE 2. A room in the house of Alibius. Enter Alibius and Lollio.

Alib. Lollio, I must trust thee with a secret,

But thou must keep it.

Lol. I was ever close to a secret, sir.
Alib.

The diligence that I have found in
thee,

The care and industry already past,
Assures me of thy good continuance.
Lollio, I have a wife.

Lol. Fie, sir, 't is too late to keep her secret; she's known to be married all the town and country over.

Alib.

Thou goest too fast, my Lollio.
That knowledge

I allow no man can be barr'd it;
But there is a knowledge which is nearer,
Deeper, and sweeter, Lollio.

Lol. Well, sir, let us handle that between you and I.

Alib. T is that I go about, man. Lollio, My wife is young.

Lol. So much the worse to be kept secret, sir.

Lol. No, sir, 't is I am old Lollio.
Alib.

Yet why may not this concord and
sympathize?

Old trees and young plants often grow together,

Well enough agreeing.

Lol. Aye, sir, but the old trees raise themselves higher and broader than the young plants.

Alib. Shrewd application! There's the fear, man;

I would wear my ring on my own finger; Whilst it is borrowed, it is none of mine, But his that useth it.

Lol. You must keep it on still then; if it but lie by, one or other will be thrusting into 't.

Alib. Thou conceiv'st me, Lollio; here thy watchful eye

Must have employment; I cannot always

be

At home.

Lol. I dare swear you cannot.

Alib. I must look out.

Lol. I know 't, you must look out; 't is every man's case.

Alib. Here, I do say, must thy employment be;

To watch her treadings, and in my ab

sence

Supply my place.

Lol. I'll do my best, sir; yet surely I can

not see who you should have cause to be jealous of.

Alib. Thy reason for that, Lollio? It is A comfortable question.

Lol. We have but two sorts of people in the house, and both under the whip, that's fools 10 and madmen; the one has not wit enough to be knaves, and the other not knavery enough to be fools. Alib. Aye, those are all my patients, Lollio;

I do profess the cure of either sort;
My trade, my living 't is; I thrive by it;
But here's the care that mixes with my
thrift:

The daily visitants, that come to see
My brain-sick patients, I would not have
To see my wife. Gallants I do observe
Of quick enticing eyes, rich in habits,
Of stature and proportion very comely:
These are most shrewd temptations,
Lollio.

Lol. They may be easily answered, sir; if

Lol. Yes, sir, for every part has his hour: we wake at six and look about us, that's eye hour; at seven we should pray, that's knee-hour: at eight walk, that's leg-hour; at nine gather flowers and pluck a rose, that's nose-hour; at ten we drink, that's mouth-hour; at eleven lay about us for victuals, that's hand-hour; at twelve go to dinner, that's belly-hour. Alib. Profoundly, Lollio! It will be long Ere all thy scholars learn this lesson, and I did look to have a new one ent'red;stay,

I think my expectation is come home.

Enter Pedro, and Antonio disguised as an idiot.

Ped. Save you, sir; my business speaks itself:

This sight takes off the labor of my tongue.

Alib. Aye, aye, sir, it is plain enough, you

mean

Him for my patient.

Ped. And if your pains prove but commodious, to give but some little strength to his sick and weak part of nature in him, these are (Gives him money.) but patterns to show you of the whole pieces that will follow to you, beside the charge of diet, washing, and other necessaries, fully defrayed.

Alib. Believe it, sir, there shall no care be wanting.

Lol. Sir, an officer in this place may deserve something. The trouble will pass through my hands.

11 guard (in fencing).

Ped. 'Tis fit something should come to your hands then, sir.

(Gives him money.)

Lol. Yes, sir, 't is I must keep him sweet, and read to him: what is his name? Ped. His name is Antonio; marry, we use but half to him, only Tony.

Lol. Tony, Tony, 't is enough, and a very good name for a fool.-What's your name, Tony?

Ant. He, he, he! well, I thank you, cousin; he, he, he!

Lol. Good boy! hold up your head.—He can laugh; I perceive by that he is no beast.

Ped.

Lol.

Let him have good attendance and sweet lodging.

As good as my mistress lies in, sir; and as you allow us time and means, we can raise him to the higher degree of discretion.

Ped. Nay, there shall no cost want, sir. Lol. He will hardly be stretcht up to the wit of a magnifico.

Ped. O no, that's not to be expected; far shorter will be enough.

Lol. I'll warrant you I'll make him fit to bear office in five weeks; I'll undertake

to wind him up to the wit of constable. Ped. If it be lower than that, it might serve turn.

Lol. No, fie; to level him with a headborough, 12 beadle, or watchman, were but little better than he is. Constable I'll able 13 him; if he do come to be a justice afterwards, let him thank the keeper: or I'll go further with you; say I do bring him up to my own pitch, say I make him as wise as myself.

Ped. Why, there I would have it.

Lol.

Well, go to; either I'll be as arrant a

13 fit him for.

fool as he, or he shall be as wise as I, and then I think 't will serve his turn. Ped. Nay, I do like thy wit passing well. Lol. Yes, you may; yet if I had not been a fool, I had had more wit than I have too. Remember what state you found me in.

Ped. I will, and so leave you. Your best cares, I beseech you.

Exit Pedro.

Alib. Take you none with you, leave 'em all with us.

Ant. O, my cousin's gone! cousin, cousin, O!

Lol. Peace, peace, Tony; you must not ery, child, you must be whipt if you do; your cousin is here still; I am your cousin, Tony.

Ant. He, he! then I'll not cry, if thou be'st my cousin; he, he, he!

Lol. I were best try his wit a little, that I may know what form 14 to place him in. Alib. Aye, do, Lollio, do.

Lol. I must ask him easy questions at first.-Tony, how many true 15 fingers has a tailor on his right hand?

Ant. As many as on his left, cousin. Lol. Good: and how many on both? Ant. Two less than a deuce, cousin. Lol. Very well answered. I come to you again, cousin Tony; how many fools goes to a wise man?

Ant. Forty in a day sometimes, cousin. Lol. Forty in a day? How prove you that?

Ant. All that fall out amongst themselves, and go to a lawyer to be made friends. Lol.

A parlous fool! he must sit in the fourth form at least. I perceive that.I come again, Tony; how many knaves make an honest man?

Ant. I know not that, cousin. Lol. No, the question is too hard for you. I'll tell you, cousin; there's three knaves may make an honest man,-a sergeant, a jailor, and a beadle; the sergeant catches him, the jailor holds him, and the beadle lashes him; and if he be not honest then, the hangman must cure him. Ant. Ha, ha, ha! that's fine sport, cousin. Alib. This was too deep a question for the fool, Lollio.

Lol. Yes, this might have serv'd yourself, though I say 't.-Once more and you shall go play, Tony.

Ant. Aye, play at push-pin,16 cousin; ha, he!

Lol. So thou shalt: say how many fools are here

Ant. Two, cousin; thou and I. Lol. Nay, you're too forward there, Tony. Mark my question; how many fools and knaves are here; a fool before a knave, a fool behind a knave, between every two fools a knave; how many fools, how many knaves?

Ant. I never learnt so far, cousin.
Alib. Thou puttest too hard questions to
him, Lollio.

Lol. I'll make him understand it easily.—
Cousin, stand there.
Ant. Aye, cousin.

Lol. Master, stand you next the fool.
Alib. Well, Lollio.

Lol. Here's my place. Mark now, Tony, there's a fool before a knave.

Ant. That's I, cousin.

Lol. Here's a fool behind a knave, that's I; and between us two fools there is a knave, that's my master, 't is but we three, that's all.

Ant. We three, we three, cousin.

1 Mad. (Within.) Put's head i' th' pillory, the bread's too little.

2 Mad. (Within.) Fly, fly, and he catches the swallow.

3 Mad. (Within.) Give her more onion,

or the devil put the rope about her crag.17 Lol. You may hear what time of day it is, the chimes of Bedlam goes.

Alib. Peace, peace, or the wire 18 comes! 3 Mad. (Within.) Cat whore, cat whore! her permasant, her permasant! 19 Alib. Peace, I say!-Their hour's come, they must be fed, Lollio.

Lol. There's no hope of recovery of that Welsh madman; was undone by a mouse that spoil'd him a permasant; lost his wits for 't.

Alib. Go to your charge, Lollio; I'll to mine.

Lol. Go you to your madmen's ward, let me alone with your fools.

Alib. And remember my last charge, Lollio.

Exit.

Lol. Of which your patients do you think I am? Come, Tony, you must amongst your school-fellows now; there's pretty scholars amongst 'em, I can tell you; there's some of 'em at stultus, stulta, stultum.

Ant. I would see the madmen, cousin, if they would not bite me.

So urgent that way, scarce allows me breath

To speak to my new comforts.
Enter De Flores.

De F. (Aside.)
Yonder's she;
Whatever ails me, now a-late especially,
I can as well be hang'd as refrain seeing
her;

Some twenty times a day, nay, not so

little,

Do I force errands, frame ways and excuses,

To come into her sight; and I've small reason for 't,

And less encouragement, for she baits me still

Every time worse than other; does profess herself

The cruellest enemy to my face in town; At no hand can abide the sight of me, As if danger or ill-luck hung in my looks.

I must confess my face is bad enough, But I know far worse has better fortune,

And not endur'd alone, but doted on; And yet such pick-hair'd 20 faces, chins

like witches',

As children cry themselves asleep, I ha'

seen

Women have chid themselves a-bed to

men.

Exis.

Beat. I never see this fellow but I think Of some harm towards me; danger's in my mind still;

I scarce leave trembling of an hour after. The next good mood I find my father in, I'll get him quite discarded. O, I was Lost in this small disturbance, and forgot Affliction's fiercer torrent that now comes To bear down all my comforts! Enter Vermandero, Alonzo, and Tomaso. Ver. You're both welcome, But an especial one belongs to you, sir, To whose most noble name our love presents

Th' addition of a son, our son Alonzo. Alon. The treasury of honor cannot bring forth

on you.

If lovers should mark everything a fault,
Affection would be like an ill-set book,
Whose faults might prove as big as half
the volume.

Beat.
Ver.
It is but reasonable;
I'll see what my son says to 't.-Son
Alonzo,

That's all I do entreat.

Here is a motion made but to reprieve
A maidenhead three days longer; the re-
quest

Is not far out of reason, for indeed
The former time is pinching.

Alon.
Though my joys
Be set back so much time as I could wish
They had been forward, yet since she de-

sires it.

The time is set as pleasing as before, I find no gladness wanting.