are not so now! All mute!-Well-though I Joseph S. You are too rash, Sir Peter; you can make nothing of the affair, I suppose you shall hear me.-The man who shuts out conperfectly understand one another-so I'll leave viction by refusing to a man of you to yourselves-[Going] Brother, I'm sorry [Exeunt Sir Peter and Surface Talking. ACT V. SCENE I-The Library. Enter JOSEPH SURFACE and Servant. Joseph S. Mr. Stanley!-and why should you will afford me your patience-I make no you think I would see him? you must know doubt-but I shall explain every thing to your he comes to ask something. satisfaction. Sir Peter T. If you please, sir. Sero. Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. Rowley came to the door with Joseph S. The fact is, sir, that Lady Teazle, him. knowing my pretensions to your ward Maria Joseph S. Pshaw! blockhead! to suppose I say, sir,-Lady Teazle, being apprehensive that I should now be in a temper to receive of the jealousy of your temper-and knowing visits from poor relations!-Well, why don't my friendship to the family-She, sir, I say you show the fellow up? called here-in order that-I might explain Serv. I will, sir. - Why, sir, it was not my these pretensions-but on your coming-being fault that Sir Peter discovered my ladyapprehensive as I said-of your jealousy- Joseph S. Go, fool! [Exit Servant]-Sure she withdrew-and this, you may depend on Fortune never played a man of my policy it, is the whole truth of the matter. such a trick before. My character with Sir Sir Peter T. A very clear account, upon my Peter, my hopes with Maria, destroyed in a word; and I dare swear the lady will vouch moment! I'm in a rare humour to listen to for every article of it. other people's distresses! I sha'n't be able to Lady T. For not one word of it, Sir Peter! bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley. Sir Peter T. How! don't you think it worth-So! here he comes, and Rowley with him. while to agree in the lie? I must try to recover myself, and put a little charity into my face, however. Lady T. There is not one syllable of truth in what that gentleman has told you. Sir Peter T. I believe you, upon my soul, ma'am! Joseph S. [Aside] -'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me? Lady T. Good Mr. Hypocrite, by your leave, I'll speak for myself. [Exit. Enter SIR OLIVER SURFACE and ROWLEY. Sir Oliver S. What! does he avoid us!That was he, was it not? Rowley. It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little too abruptly. His nerves are so Sir Peter T. Ay, let her alone, sir; you'll weak, that the sight of a poor relation may find she'll make out a better story than you, be too much for him. I should have gone without prompting. first to break it to him. Lady T. Hear me, Sir Peter!-I came hi- Sir Oliver S. O, plague of his nerves! Yet ther on no matter relating to your ward, and this is he whom Sir Peter extols as a man even ignorant of this gentleman's pretensions of the most benevolent way of thinking! to her. But I came seduced by his insidious Rowley. As to his way of thinking, I canarguments, at least to listen to his pretended not pretend to decide; for, to do him justice, passion, if not to sacrifice your honour to his he appears lo have as much speculative benebaseness. volence as any private gentleman in the kingSir Peter T. Now, I believe, the truth is dom, though he is seldom so sensual as to coming indeed! indulge himself in the exercise of it. Joseph S. The woman's mad! Sir Oliver S. Yet has a string of charitable sentiments at his fingers' ends. Lady T. No, sir, she has recovered her senses, and your own arts have furnished her Rowley. Or rather, at his tongue's end, Sir with the means. Sir Peter, I do not expect Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he you to credit me-but the tenderness you ex- has such faith in as that “ Charity begins at pressed for me, when I am sure you could home." not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated| Sir Oliver S. And his, I presume, is of that so to my heart, that had I left the place with- domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all. out the shame of this discovery, my future Rowley. I doubt you'll find it so ;—but he's life should have spoken the sincerity of my coming. I mustn't seem to interrupt you; gratitude. As for that smooth-tongued hypo- and you know immediately as you leave him, crite, who would have seduced the wife of I come in to announce your arrival in your his too credulous friend, while he affected real character. honourable addresses to his ward-1 behold] Sir Oliver S. True; 'and afterwards you'll him now in a light so truly despicable, that meet me at Sir Peter's. I shall never again respect myself for having listened to him. [Exit Lady Teazle. Joseph S. Notwithstanding all this, Sir Peter, Heaven knows Sir Peter T. That you are a villain! and so I leave you to your conscience. Rowley. Without losing a moment. [Exit. Sir Oliver S. I don't like the complaisance of his features. Enter JOSEPH SURFACE. dons for keeping you a moment waiting-Mr. Mr. Stanley. William, be ready to open the Stanley, I presume. Sir Oliver S. At your service. Joseph S. Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit down-I entreat you, sir!Sir Oliver S. Dear sir-there's no occasion -too civil by half! [Aside Joseph S. I have not the pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley; but I am extremely happy to see you look so well. You were nearly related to my mother, I think, Mr. Stanley? Sir Oliver S. I was, sir;-so nearly that my present poverty, I fear, may do discredit to her wealthy children, else I should not have presumed to trouble you. door. Sir Oliver S. O, dear sir, no ceremony. Sir Oliver S. Sir, your most obsequious. Sir Oliver S. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant. Joseph S. Sir, yours as sincerely. Sir Oliver S. Charles, you are my heir! [Aside. Exit. Joseph S. This is one bad effect of a good Joseph S. Dear sir, there needs no apology: character; it invites application from the un-he that is in distress, though a stranger, fortunate, and there needs no small degree of has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy, address to gain the reputation of benevolence I am sure I wish I was of that class, and had without incurring the expense. The silver ore it in my power to offer you even a small of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man's good qualities; whereas Sir Oliver S. If your uncle, Sir Oliver, were he sentimental French plate I use instead of here, I should have a friend. it makes just as good a show, and pays no relief. Joseph Swish he was, sir, with all my tax. heart: you should not want an advocate with him, believe me, sir. Enter ROWLEY. Sir Oliver S. I should not need one, my Rowley, Mr. Surface, your scrvant: I was distresses would recommend me. But I ima-apprehensive of interrupting you, though my gined his bounty would enable you to become business demands immediate attention, as this the agent of his charity. note will inform you. Joseph S. My dear sir, you were strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is a worthy man, a very worthy man; but avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. I will tell you, my good sir, in confidence, what he has done for me has been a mere nothing; though people, I know, have thought otherwise, and, for my part, I never chose to contradict the report. Sir Oliver S. What! has he never transmit ted you bullion-rupees-pagodas? Joseph S. Always happy to see Mr. Rowley. [Reads the Letter]-Sir Oliver Surface!My uncle arrived! Rowley. He is, indeed: we have just parted quite well, after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew. Joseph S. I am astonished!-William! stop Mr. Stanley, if he's not gone. Rowley. Oh! he's out of reach, I believe. Joseph S. O, dear sir, nothing of the kind: this when you came in together? -No, no-a few presents now and then- Rowley. I thought you had particular buchina, shawls, congou tea, avadavats, and In-siness;-but I must be gone to inform your dian crackers-little more, believe me. brother, and appoint him here to meet your Sir Oliver S. Here's gratitude for twelve uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of thousand pounds! - Avadavats and Indian an hour. crackers! [Aside. Joseph S. So he says. Well, I am strangeJoseph S. Then, my dear sir, you have ly overjoyed at his coming. Never, to be beard, I doubt not, of the extravagance of my sure, was any thing so damned unlucky. brother: there are very few would credit what [Aside. I have done for that unfortunate young man. Rowley. You will be delighted to see how Sir Oliver S. Not I, for one! [Aside. well he looks. Joseph S. The sums I have lent him!-In- Joseph S. Ah! I'm rejoiced to hear it-Just deed I have been exceedingly to blame; it at this time! was an amiable weakness: however, I don't pretend to defend it,-and now I feel it doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates. Sir Oliver S. Dissembler! [Aside]-Then, sir, you can't assist me? Joseph S. At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but, whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me. Sir Oliver S. I am extremely sorry- [Aside. Rowley. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him. Joseph S. Do, do; pray give my best duty and affection. Indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him. -[Exit Rowley]-Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruellest piece of ill-fortune! [Exit. SCENE II.-SIR PETER TEAzle's. to pity without the power to relieve, is still body at present. more painful than to ask and be denied. Mrs. Can. Did you tell her it was her friend Sir Oliver S. Kind sir, your most obedient Mrs. Candour? bumble servant. Maid. Yes, ma'am; but she begs you will Joseph S. You leave me deeply affected, excuse her. Mrs. Can. Do go again,-I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I am sure she must be in great distress. [Exit Maid] Dear heart, how provoking! I'm not mistress of half the circumstances! We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers, with the names of the parties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses. Enter SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE. Oh, Sir Benjamin! you have heard, I suppose Sir Benj. B. Of lady Teazle and Mr. Surface Mrs. Can. And Sir Peter's discoverySir Benj. B. O! the strangest piece of siness, to be sure! Sir Benj. B. O, yes: they fought before they left the room. Lady Sneer. Pray, let us hear. Mrs. Can. Ay, do oblige us with the duel. Sir Benj. B. "Sir," says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, "you are a most ungrateful fellow." Mrs. Can. Ay, to Charles Sir Benj. B. No, no-to Mr. Surface- " most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir," says he, "I insist on immediate satisfaction." Mrs. Can. Ay, that must have been to Charles; for 'is very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house. Sir Benj. B. Gad's life, ma'am, not at allbu-"Giving me immediate satisfaction." On this, ma'am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such Mrs. Can. Well, I never was so surprised danger, ran out of the room in strong hyste in my life. I am so sorry for all parties, rics, and Charles after her, calling out for indeed. hartshorn and water; then, madam, they be Sir Benj. B. Now, I don't pity Sir Peter at gan to fight with swords all: he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface. Mrs. Can. Mr. Surface! Why, 'twas Charles Lady Teazle was detected. Enter CRABTREE. Crabt. With pistols, nephew-pistols: I with have it from undoubted authority. Mrs. Can. O, Mr. Crabtree, then it is all Sir Benj. B. No, no, I tell you- Mr. Sur-true! face is the gallant. Mrs. Can. No such thing! Charles is the man. 'Twas Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them. Sir Benj. B. I tell you I had it from one— Sir Benj. B. Who had it from one, who had it Mrs. Can. From one immediately-but here comes Lady Sneerweil; perhaps she knows the whole affair. Enier LADY SNEERWELL. Lady Sneer. So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here's a sad affair of our friend Lady Teazle. Mrs. Can. Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought Lady Sneer. Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she was always too lively for me. Mrs. Can. To be sure, her manners were a little too free; but then she was so young! Lady Sneer. And had, indeed, some good qualities. Mrs. Can. So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars? Lady Sneer. No; but every body says that Mr. Surface Sir Benj. B. Ay, there; I told you Mr. Surface was the man. Mrs. Can. No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles. Lady Sneer. With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour! Crabt. Too true, indeed, madam, and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded Sir Benj. B. By a thrust in second quite through his left side Crabt. By a bullet lodged in the thorax. Mrs. Can. Mercy on me! Poor Sir Peter! Crabt. Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he could. Mrs. Can. I knew Charles was the person. Sir Benj. B. My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter. Crabt. But Sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingratitude. Sir Benj. B. That I told you, you knowCrabt. Do, nephew, let me speak! and insisted on immediate Sir Benj. B. Just as I said Crabt. Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too. A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, bad come home the night before late from Sallhill, where he had been to see the Montem with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged. Sir Benj. B. I heard nothing of this. Crabt. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles's shot took effect, as I tell Sir Peter's missed; but what is very extraor dinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakspeare that stood over the fire-place, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Mrs. Can. Yes, yes, he was the lover. Mr. Northamptonshire. Surface, to do him justice, was only the in- Sir Benj. B. My uncle's account is more former. circumstantial, I confess, but I believe mine Sir Benj. B. Well, I'll not dispute with is the true one, for all that. you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter's wound will notMrs. Can. Sir Peter's wound! O, mercy! I didn't hear a word of their fighting. Lady Sneer. Nor I, a syllable. Lady Sneer. I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information, [Aside]–[Exit Lady Sneer well. Sir Benj. B. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm Sir Benj. B. No! what, no mention of the is very easily accounted for. duel? Mrs. Can. Not a word, Crabt. Yes, yes, they certainly do say-bul that's neither here nor there. Mrs. Can. But, pray, where is Sir Peter attainly vastly to blame to marry at your years. present? Sir Peter T. Sir, what business is that of s? Crabt. Oh! they brought him home, and yours? he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny him. Mrs. Can. Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a husband, he's very much to Mrs. Can. I believe so, and Lady Teazle, I be pitied. suppose, attending him. Crabt. Yes, yes; and I saw one of the fa-I culty enter just before me. Sir Benj. B. Hey! who comes here? on't. Mrs. Can. O, certainly: it must be the physician; and now we shall know. Enter SIR OLIVER SURFace. Crabt. Well, doctor, what hopes? Sir Peter T. Plague on your pity, ma'am! desire none of it. Sir Benj. B. However, Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion. Sir Peter T. Sir, sir, I desire to be master in my own house. Crabt. Tis no uncommon case, that's one comfort. Sir Peter T. I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony-I insist on your leav Mrs. Can. Ay, doctor, how's your patient? ing my house directly. Sir Benj. B. Now, doctor, isn't it a wound with a small-sword? Crabt. A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred. Sir Oliver S. Doctor! a wound with a small sword! and a bullet in the thorax! Oons! are you mad, good people? Sir Benj. B. Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor? Sir Oliver S. Truly, I am to thank you for my degree if I am. Crabt. Only a friend of Sir Peter's, then, presume. But, sir, you must have heard his accident? Sir Oliver S. Not a word! Mrs. Can. Well, well, we are going, and depend on't we'll make the best report of it we can. [Exit. Sir Peter T. Leave my house! treated. Sir Peter T. Leave my house! it. I of Sir Peter T. that their own Sir Oliver S. deed, Sir Peter. Crabt. Not of his being dangerously wounded. Sir Benj. B. Run through the body- Sir Benj. B. Ay one Mr. Surface. Sir Oliver S. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts: however, you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded." Sir Benj. B. O, yes, we agree there. Crabt. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that. Sir Oliver S. Then, upon my word, for a person in that situation, he is the most imprudent man alive; for here he comes, walking as if nothing at all was the matter. Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE. Odds heart, Sir Peter, you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had just given you over. Sir Benj. B. Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden recovery! [Exit. And how patiently you bear [Exit. Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! venom would choke them! They are very provoking, in Enter Rowley. Rowley. I heard high words: what has ruffled you, sir? Sir Peter T. Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations? Rowley. Well, I'm not inquisitive. Sir Oliver S. Well, Sir Peter, I have seen both my nephews in the manner we proposed. Sir Peter T. A precious couple they are! Rowley. Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, Sir Peter. Sir Oliver S. Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all. Rowley. Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment. Sir Oliver S. And acts up to the sentiments he professes. Rowley. It certainly is edification to hear him talk. Sir Oliver S. Oh, he's a model for the young men of the age!-But how's this, Sir Peter? you don't join us in your friend Joseph's praise, as I expected. Sir Peter T. Sir Oliver, we live in a damnSir Oliver S. Why, man, what do you out ed wicked world, and the fewer we praise the of bed with a small sword through your body, better. and a bullet lodged in your thorax? Rowley. What! do you say so, Sir Peter, Sir Peter T. A small sword, and a bullet? who were never mistaken in your life? Sir Oliver S. Ay, these gentlemen would Sir Peter T. Pshaw! Plague on you both! have killed you without law, or physic, and I see by your sneering you have heard the wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an whole affair. I shall go mad among you! accomplice. Rowley. Then, to fret you no longer, Sir Sir Peter T. Why, what is all this? Peter, we are indeed acquainted with it all. Sir Benj. B. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surfathe story of the duel is not true, and are sin- ce's so humbled, that she deigned to request cerely sorry for your other misfortune. me to be her advocate with you. Sir Peter T. So, so; all over the town al- Sir Peter T. And does Sir Oliver know all ready. [Aside. this? Crabt. Though, Sir Peter, you were cer-| Sir Oliver S. Evevy circumstance. Sir Peter T. What of the closet and the screen, hey? Sir Oliver S. Yes, yes, and the little French milliner. O, I have been vastly diverted with the story! Ha! ha! ha! Sir Peter T. Twas very pleasant. Sir Oliver S. I never laughed more in my life, I assure you; ha! ha! ha! Rowley. Certainly. Sir Peter T. Though when it is known that we are reconciled, people will laugh at me ten times more. Rowley. Let them laugh, and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it. Sir Peter T. F'faith, so I will! and, if I'm not mistaken, we may yet be the happiest cou Sir Peter T. O, vastly diverting! Ha!ha! ha! Rowley. To be sure, Joseph with his sen-ple in the country. timents: ha! ha! ha! Rowley. Nay, Sir Peter, he who once lays Sir Peter T. Yes, yes, his sentiments! Ha! aside suspicionha ha! Hypocritical villain! Sir Peter T. Hold, master Rowley! if you Sir Oliver S. Ay, and that rogue Charles have any regard for me, never let me hear to pull Sir Peter out of the closet: ha! ha! ha! you utter any thing like a sentiment: I have Sir Peter T. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish enter- had enough of them to serve me the rest of taining, to be sure! Sir Oliver S. Ha! ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter, I should like to have seen your face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! Sir Peter T. Yes, yes, my face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! Oh, I must never show my head again! pray don't restrain your my life. WELL. Lady Sneer. Impossible! Will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to Charles, and Sir Oliver S. But come, come, it isn't fair of course no longer oppose his union with to laugh at you neither, my old friend; though, Maria? The thought is distraction to me. upon my soul, I can't help it. Joseph S. Can passion furnish a remedy? Sir Peter T. O Lady Sneer. No, nor cunning neither. O mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at I was a fool, an idiot, to league with such a all! I laugh at the whole affair myself. Yes, yes, I think being a standing jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy situation. O yes, and then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr. S-, Lady T-, and Sir P, will be so entertaining! Rowley. Without affectation, Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of fools: but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next room; I am sure you must desire a reconciliation as earnestly as she does. blunderer! Joseph S. Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I am the greatest sufferer; yet you see I bear the accident with calmness. Lady Sneer. Because the disappointment doesn't reach your heart; your interest only attached you to Maria. Had you felt for her what I have for that ungrateful libertine, neither your temper nor hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your vexation. Joseph S. But why should your reproaches Sir Oliver S. Perhaps my being here pre- fall on me for this disappointment? vents her coming to you. Well, I'll leave Lady Sneer. Are you not the cause of it? honest Rowley to mediate between you; but Had you not a sufficient field for your roguehe must bring you all presently to Mr. Surry in imposing upon Sir Peter, and supplantface's, where I am now returning, if not to ing your brother, but you must endeavour to reclaim a libertine, at least to expose hypo- seduce his wife? I hate such an avarice of crisy. crimes; 'tis an unfair monopoly, and never Sir Peter T. Ah, I'll be present at your prospers. discovering yourself there with all my heart; Joseph S. Well, I admit I have been to though 'tis a vile unlucky place for disco- blame. I confess I deviated from the direct veries. road of wrong, but I don't think we're so Rowley. We'll follow. [Exit Sir Oliver. totally defeated neither. Sir Peter T. She is not coming here, you see, Rowley. Rowley. No, but she has left the door of that room open, you perceive. See, she is in Rowley. Oh, this is ungenerous in you! Sir Peter T. Well, I know not what to think. You remember the letter I found of hers evidently intended for Charles? Lady Sneer. No! Joseph S. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met, and that you still believe him faithful to us. Lady Sneer. I do believe so. Jeseph S. And that he has undertaken, should it be necessary, to swear and Charles is at this time contracted by vows and honour to your ladyship, which some of his former letters to you will serve to support. Lady Sneer. This, indeed, might have assisted. Joseph S. Come, come; it is not too late Rowley. Á mere forgery, Sir Peter, laid yet. [Knocking at the door]. But hark! this in your way on purpose. This is one of the is probably my uncle, Sir Oliver: retire to points which I intend Snake shall give you that room; we'll consult farther when he is conviction of. gone. Sir Peter T. I wish I were once satisfied Lady Sneer. Well, but if he should find of that. She looks this way. What a remark-you out too? Joseph S. Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own cre |