Enter LYDIA. Lydia. What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a stranger to one's heart.-I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who have appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of his rival: suppose I were to try it-there stands the hated rival-an officer too!-but O how unlike my Beverley! - I wonder he don't begin-truly he seems a very negligent wooer!-quite at hit ease, upon my word! I'll speak first-Mr. Absolute. [Turns round. Abs. Ma'am. Lydia. O heavens! Beverley! Abs. Hush!-hush, my life! softly! be not surprised! Mrs. Mal. Warmth abated!-so!--she has been in a passion, I suppose. Lydia. No-nor ever can while I have life. Mrs. Mal. An ill-tempered little devil!She'll be in a passion all her life-will she? Lydia. Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any weight with me. Mrs. Mal. Very dutiful, upon my word! Lydia. Let her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine. Mrs. Mal. I am astonished at her assurance! -to his face-this is to his face! Abs. Thus then let me enforce my suit. [Kneeling. Mrs. Mal. Ay, poor young man!-down on his knees entreating for pity!-I can contain Lydia. I am so astonished! and so terri-no longer.-Why, thou vixen!-I have overfied! and so overjoyed! — for heaven's sake! how came you here? Abs. Briefly, I have deceived your auntI was informed that my new rival was to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away, have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute. Lydia. O charming!-And she really takes you for young Absolute? heard you. Abs. O, confound her vigilance! [Aside. Mrs. Mal. Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologise for her shocking rudeness. Abs. So-all's safe, I find. [Aside] I have hopes, madam, that time will bring the young lady Mrs. Mal. O, there's nothing to be hoped for from her! she's as headstrong as an allegory 1) on the banks of Nile. Lydia. Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now? Abs. O, she's convinced of it. Lydia. Ha! ha! ha! I can't forbear laughing to think how her sagacity is over-reached! Abs. But we trifle with our precious mo- Mrs. Mal. Why, thou unblushing rebelments such another opportunity may not didn't you tell this gentleman to his face that occur-then let me now conjure my kind, my you loved another better?-didn't you say you condescending angel, to fix the time when I never would be his? may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and with a licensed warmth plead for ny reward. Lydia. No, madam-I did not. Mrs. Mul. Good heavens! what assurance! —Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that lying Lydia. Will you then, Beverley, consent don't become a young woman! Didn't you to forfeit that portion of my paltry wealth?-boast that Beverley, that stroller Beverley, posthat burden on the wings of love? heart? Tell me that, I say. sessed your Mrs. Mal. Hold! - hold, Assurance! you Abs. O, come to me-rich only thus-in Lydia. 'Tis true, ma'am, and none but loveliness-Bring no portion to me but thy Beverleylove-'twill be generous in you, Lydia for well you know, it is the only dower your shall not be so rude. poor Beverley can repay. Lydia. How persuasive are his words!how charming will poverty be with him! Abs. Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol and support! we will worship him with a monastic strictness! abjuring all worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there.—Proud of calamity, we will enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surrounding gloom of adversity shall make the fame of our pure love show doubly bright -By heavens! I would fling all goods of fortune from me with a prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might clasp my Lydia to my bosom, and say, the world affords no smile to me but here-[Embracing her] If she holds out now, the devil is in it! [Aside. Lydia. Now could I fly with him to the antipodes! but my persecution is not yet come to a crisis. Enter MRS. MALAPROP, listening. warmth abated? Abs. Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech:-she's very welcome to talk thus-it does not hurt me in the least, I assure you. Mrs. Mal. You are too good, captain-too amiably patient - but come with me, miss.— Let us see you again soon, captain-remember what we have fixed. Abs. I shall, ma'am. Mrs. Mal. Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman. Lydia. May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev Mrs. Mal. Hussy! I'll choke the word in your throat!-come along-come along. [Exeunt severally. Absolute kissing his SCENE IV.-ACRES's Lodgings. lieve me, master, by the mass! an' we've any 1) Alligator. 2) Macaroni, a fashionable. Acres. Dress does make a difference, David.| Sir Luc. Very ill, upon my conscienceDavid. "Tis all in all, I think- - difference! Pray, can you divine the cause of it? why, an' you were to go now to Clod-Hall, Acres. Why, there's the matter: she has I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, Master Butler wouldn't believe his own eyes, is now in Bath.-Odds slanders and lies! he and Mrs. Pickle would cry, "Lard presarve must be at the bottom of it. me!" our dairy-maid would come giggling to Sir Luc. A rival in the case, is there?-and the door, and I warrant Dolly Tester, your you think he has supplanted you unfairly? honour's favourite, would blush like my waist- Acres. Unfairly! to be sure he has. - He coat-Oons! I'll hold a gallon, there an't a never could have done it fairly. dog in the house but would bark, and I ques Sir Luc. Then sure you know what is to tion whether Phillis would wag a hair of be done! her tail! Acres. Ay, David, there's nothing like pofishing. David. So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me! Acres. But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring 1). David. I'll call again, sir. Acres. Do-and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office. David. I will. By the mass, I can't help looking at your head!—if I hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself! [Exit. [Acres comes forward, practising a dancing Step. Acres. Not I, upon my soul! Sir Luc. We wear no swords here, but you understand me. Acres. What! fight him! Sir Luc. Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else? Acres. But he has given me no provocation. Sir Luc. Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world — Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? O, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship. Acres. Breach of friendship! Ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man. I never saw him in my life. Sir Luc. That's no argument at all—he has the less right then to take such a liberty. Acres. Sink, slide-coupee-Confound the Acres. Gad, that's true-I grow full of anger, first inventors of cotillons! say I-they are as Sir Lucius!-I fire apace! Odds hilts and bad as algebra to us country gentlemen-I can blades! I find a man may have a deal of walk a minuet easy enough when I am for- valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't ced!-and I have been accounted a good stick I contrive to have a little right of my side? in a country-dance.-Odds jigs and tabors! I Sir Luc. What the devil signifies right, never valued your cross-over to couple-figure when your honour is concerned? Do you in-right and left-and I'd foot it with e'er a think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, captain in the county!-but these outlandish ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my heathen allemandes and cotillons are quite soul, they drew their broadswords, and left beyond me! I shall never prosper at 'em, the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it. that's sure-mine are true-born English legs- Acres. Your words are a grenadier's march they don't understand their curst French lingo!to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! their pas this, and pas that, and pas t'other!--I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising damn me! my feet don't like to be called as it were-a kind of courage, as I may saypaws! no, 'tis certain I have most Anti-Gal- Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge lican toes! him directly. Enter Servant. Sir Luc. Ah, my little friend! if I had Serv. Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait Blunderbuss-Hall here, I could show you a on you, sir. Acres. Show him in. Enter SIR LUCIUS. Sir Luc. Mr. Acres, I am delighted to brace you. em Acres. My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands. Sir Luc. Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath? range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new room; every one of whom had killed his man! For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipt through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever. Acres. O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too!-every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia!-Odds balls and barrels! say no more-I'm braced for it.-The thunder of your Acres. Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-words has soured the milk of human kinda-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at ness in my breast!-Zounds! as the man in the last.-In short, I have been very ill used, Sir play says, "I could do such deeds—” Lucius, I don't choose to mention names, but Sir Luc. Come, come, there must be no look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman. passion at all in the case-these things should Sir Luc. Pray what is the case? I ask always be done civilly. no names. Acres. I must be in a passion, Sir LuciusAcres. Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep I must be in a rage.-Dear Sir Lucius, let me as need be in love with a young lady - her be in a rage, if you love me.— Come, here's friends take my part-I follow her to Bath-pen and paper. [Sits down to write]-1 send word of my arrival; and receive answer, would the ink were red! - Indite, I say inthat the lady is to be otherwise disposed of dite! -How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however. Sir Luc. Pray compose yourself. This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill used. 1) Balancer, chasser, faire des pas de Bourrée. Acres. Come-now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin with a damme. Sir Luc. Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now-", -"Sir"Acres. That's too civil by half. snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em. Acres. But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour. David. Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in return my honour couldn't do less than to be very care Sir Luc. "To prevent the confusion that ful of me. might arise" Acres. Well— Acres. Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour! I Sir Luc. "From our both addressing the David. I say then, it would be but civil in same lady"honour never to risk the loss of a gentleAcres. Ay-there's the reasou-"same lady"— man.-Look'ee, master, this honour seems to Wellme to be a marvellous false friend: ay, truly, Sir Luc. "I shall expect the honour of a very courtier-like servant.-Put_the case, your company”— was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one Acres. Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner. can say of me); well-my honour makes me Sir Luc. Pray be easy. quarrel with another gentleman of my acthat.) Boh!--1 kill him-(the more's my luck.) Now, pray who gets the profit of it?-Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills me!-by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy. Acres. Well then, "honour of your com-quaintance.-So-we fight. (Pleasant enough pany" Sir Luc, "To settle our pretensions”— Sir Luc. Let me see, ay, King's Mead-field will do-"in King's Mead-fields." Acres. So that's done. Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest a hand and dagger shall be the seal. Acres. No, David-in that case!- Odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows you to the grave. Sir Luc. You see now this little explanation David. Now, that's just the place where I will put a stop at once to all confusion or could make a shift to do without it. misunderstanding that might arise between you. Acres. Zounds! David, you are a coward!— Acres. Ay, we fight to prevent any mis- It doesn't become my valour to listen to you.understanding. What, shall I disgrace my ancestors?-Think Sir Luc. Now, I'll leave you to fix your of that, David-think what it would be to own time.-Take my advice, and you'll decide disgrace my ancestors! it this evening if you can; then let the worst David. Under favour, the surest way of come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow. not disgracing them, is to keep as long as Acres. Very true. you can out of their company. Look'ec now, Sir Luc. So I shall see nothing more of master, to go to them in such haste-with an you, unless it be by letter, till the evening.-ounce of lead in your brains-I should think I would do myself the honour to carry your might as well be let alone. Our ancestors message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I are very good kind of folks; but they are the shall have just such another affair on my own last people I should choose to have a visiting hands. There is a gay captain here, who put acquaintance with. a jest on me lately, at the expense of my Acres. But, David, now, you don't think country, and I only want to fall in with the there is such very, very, very great danger, gentleman, to call him out. hey? Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done! Acres. By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see David. By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one you kill him, if it was only to get a little lesson. against you!-Oons! here to meet some lionSir Luc. I shall be very proud of instructing headed fellow, I warrant, with his damn'd you. Well for the present- but remember double-barrelled swords, and cut-and-thrust now, when you meet your antagonist, do every pistols!-Lord bless us! it makes me tremble thing in a mild and agreeable manner. Let to think o't!-Those be such desperate bloodyyour courage be as keen, but at the same time minded weapons! Well, I never could abide as polished as your sword. [Exeunt severally.'em-from a child I never could fancy 'em! ACT IV. SCENE I.-ACRES's Lodgings. ACRES and DAVID. I suppose there a'n't been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol! Acres. Zounds! I won't be afraid-Odds fire and fury! you sha'n't make me afraid.-Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear David. Then, by the mass, sir! I would do friend Jack Absolute to carry it for me. no such thing-ne'er a Sir Lucius O'Trigger David. Ay, i'the name of mischief, let him in the kingdom should make me fight, when be the messenger.-For my part, I wouldn't I wa'n't so minded. Oons! what will the old lend a hand to it for the best horse in your lady say, when she hears o't? stable. By the mass! it don't look like another Acres. Ah! David, if you had heard Sir letter! It is, as I may say, a designing and Lucius!-Odds sparks and flames! he would malicious-looking letter;—and I warrant smells of gun-powder like a soldier's pouch!-Oons! David. Not he, indeed. I hate such blood- I wouldn't swear it mayn't go off! thirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you'd have roused your valour. Acres. Out, you poltroon!-you ha'n't the wanted a bout at boxing, quarter-staff, or valour of a grasshopper. short-staff, I should never be the man to bid David. Well, I say no more e-'twill be sad you cry off: but for your curst sharps and news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! — but I ha' > done. How Phillis will howl when she hears 'egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So tell him I of it!-Ay, poor bitch, she little thinks what generally kill a man a-week; will you, Jack? shooting her master's going after!—And I war- Abs. I will, I will; I'll say you are called rant old Crop, who has carried your honour, in the country "Fighting Bob." hour he was born. field and road, these ten years, will curse the Acres. Right-right-'tis all to prevent [Whimpering. mischief; for I don't want to take his life if 1 Acres. It won't do, David-I am deter- clear my honour. mined to fight-so get along, you coward, while I'm in the mind. Enter Servant. Ser. Captain Absolute, sir. Acres. What's that!-Don't provoke me, David. Good bye, master. [Whimpering. Acres. Get along, you cowardly, dastardly, croaking raven. [Exit David. Abs. No!-that's very kind of you. him-do you, Jack? Abs. No, upon my soul, I do not.-But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going Acres. True, true—but stay—stay, Jack— you may add, that you never saw me in such a rage before-a most devouring rage! Abs. I will, I will. Acres. Remember, Jack-a determined dog! Abs. Ay, ay, "Fighting Bob!" [Exeunt severally. SCENE II.-MRS. MALAPROP'S Lodgings. MRS. MALAPROP and LYDIA. Mrs. Mal. Why, thou perverse one!-tell Acres. A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead!-me what you can object to him?-Isn't he a If I hadn't the valour of St. George and the dragon to boot Enter ABSOLUTE. Abs. What's the matter, Bob? Abs. But what did you want with me, Bob? [Gives him the Challenge. Abs. "To ensign Beverley." So what's going on now! [Aside] Well, what's this? Acres. A challenge! Abs. Indeed!-Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob? handsome man?-tell me that.-A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man? Lydia. She little thinks whom she is prais ing! [Aside]-So is Beverley, ma'am. Mrs. Mal. No caparisons 1), miss, if you please. - Caparisons don't become a young woman.-No! Captain Absolute is indeed à fine gentleman! Lydia. Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.. in [Aside. Acres. 'Egad, but I will, Jack.-- Sir Lucius Mrs. Mal, Then he's so well bred!-so full has wrought me to it. He has left me full of alacrity and adulation 2):—and has so much of rage and I'll fight this evening, that so to say for himself; —in such good language much good passion mayn't be wasted. too!-His physiognomy 3) so grammatical!Abs. But what have I to do with this? Then his presence is so noble !-I protest when Acres. Why, as I think you know some-I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says thing of this fellow, I want you to find him the play: “Hesperian 4) curls — the front of out for me, and give him this mortal defiance. Job 5) himself! · -an eye, like March), to Abs. Well, give it to me, and trust me he threaten at command!7)—a station, like Harry gets it. Mercury) new-" Something about kissingAcres. Thank you, my dear friend, my dear on a hill-however, the similitude') struck Jack; but it is giving you a great deal of me directly. trouble. Lydia. How enraged she'll be presently Abs. Not in the least-I beg you won't when she discovers her mistake! mention it. No trouble in the world, I as sure you, Enter Servant. [Aside. Ser. Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are Acres. You are very kind.-What it is to have a friend!-You couldn't be my second-below, ma'am. could you, Jack? Mrs. Mal. Show them up here. [Exit Ser Abs. Why no, Bob-not in this affair-it vant] Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving would not be quite so proper. as becomes a young woman.— Show your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty. Acres. Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good wishes, however, Jack. Abs. Whenever he meets you, believe me. Enter Servant. Ser. Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain. Abs. I'll come instantly.-Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going Acres. Stay-stay, Jack.-If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow-will you, Jack? Abs. To be sure I shall.-I'll say you are a determined dog--hey, Bob! Acres. Ay, do, do-and if that frightens him,| beauty, and difficulty enough I had to bring Why don't you speak out?-not stand croakthis fellow. I don't know what's the matter; ing like a frog in a quinsy! but if I had not held him by force, he'd have Abs. The-the-excess of my awe, and my given me the slip. -my-my modesty, quite choke me! Mrs. Mal. You have infinite trouble, Sir An- Sir Anth. Ah! your modesty again!-I'll thony, in the affair. I am ashamed for the tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak out cause! Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!- directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a pay your respects! [Aside to her. rage!-Mrs. Malaprop, I wish the lady would Sir Anth. I hope, madam, that Miss Lan-favour us with something more than a sideguish has reflected on the worth of this gen-front. [Mrs. Malaprop seems to chide Lydia. tleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice,! Abs. So all will out, I see! and my alliance.-Now, Jack, speak to her. [Aside to him. Abs. What the devil shall I do! [Aside] -You see, sir, she won't even look at me, whilst you are here. I knew she wouldn't -I told you so-Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together! [Absolute seems to expostulate with his Father. Lydia. [Aside] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't have looked at him!-perhaps their regimentals are alike, and she is something blind. Sir Anth. I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet. Mrs. Mal. I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence) over my niece is very small.-Turn round, Lydia; I blush for you! [Aside to her. Sir Anth. May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of dislike she can have to my son!-Why don't you begin, Jack? Speak, you puppy-speak! [Aside to him. Mrs. Mal. It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any.-She will not say she has. -Answer, hussy! why don't you answer? [Aside to her. Sir Anth. Then, madam, I trust that a childish| and hasty predilection will be no bar to Jack's happiness.-Zounds! sirrah! why don't you [Aside to him. Lydia. [Aside] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as myself.-How strangely blind my aunt must be! speak! mind. [Goes up to Lydia, speaks softly. Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present. Lydia. [Aside] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice!-Sure he can't have imposed on Sir Anthony too! [Looks round by degrees, then starts up. Is this possible!-my Beverley!—how can this be?-my Beverley? Abs. Ah! 'tis all over. Mrs. Mal. For shame, hussy! for shame!your head runs so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes!-beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly. Lydia. I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley! Sir Anth. Zounds! the girl's mad! - her brain's turned by reading! Mrs. Mal. O' my conscience, I believe so! What do you mean by Beverley, hussy?— You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is-your husband that shall be. Lydia. With all my soul, ma'am-when I refuse my Beverley Sir Anth. O! she's as mad as Bedlam!-or has this fellow been playing us a rogue's trick! -Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you? Abs. Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to recollect. Sir Anth. Are you my son or not?-answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't for me. Abs. Hem! hem! madam-hem! [Absolute attempts to speak, then returns to Sir An- Mrs. Mal. Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! thony-Faith! sir, I am so confounded! I begin to suspect!and-so-so-confused!—I told you I should be Abs. Ye powers of Impudence, befriend me! so, sir,—I knew it.-The-the tremor of my [Aside] Sir Anthony, most assuredly I am passion entirely takes away my presence of your wife's son; and that I sincerely believe myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has Sir Anth. But it don't take away your voice, always shown.-Mrs. Malaprop, I am your fool, does it?-Go up, and speak to her di- most respectful admirer-and shall be proud rectly! [Absolute makes Signs to Mrs. Ma- to add affectionate nephew. I need not tell laprop to leave them together. my Lydia, that she sees her faithful Beverley, Mrs. Mal. Sir Anthony, shall we leave them who, knowing the singular generosity of her together?-Ah! you stubborn little vixen! temper, assumed that name, and a station, [Aside to her. which has proved a test of the most disinterSir Anth. Not yet, ma'am, not yet!-what ested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sir- a more elevated character. rab, or[Aside to him. Lydia. So! - there will be no elopement [ABSOLUTE draws near LYDIA.] after all! [Sullenly. Abs. Now Heaven send she may be too Sir Anth. Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a sullen to look round! I must disguise my very impudent fellow! to do you justice, I voice. [Aside. think I never saw a piece of more [Speaks in a low hoarse Tone. mate assurance! -Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the Abs. O, you flatter me, sir,-you complimild accents of true love?-Will notment-'tis my modesty you know, sir-my Sir Anth. What the devil ails the fellow?-modesty that has stood in my way. 1) InQuence. consum Sir Anth. Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended to be, |