655 Sir Anth. Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will mind, Lucy-if ever you betray what you dispute the point no further with you; though are intrusted with (unless it be other people's I must confess, that you are a truly moderate secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence1) and polite arguer, for almost every third word for ever; and your being a simpleton shall you say is on my side of the question. But, be no excuse for your locality 2). Mrs. Malaprop, to the more important point in debate, you say, you have no objection [Exit Mrs. Mal. Lucy. Ha! ha ha!-So, my dear simplito my proposal. Mrs. Mal. None, I assure you. I am under ing her manner]-let girls in my station city, let me give you a little respite-[alterno positive engagement with Mr. Acres, and be as fond as they please of appearing expert, as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps and knowing in their trusts; commend me to your son may have better success. a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes Sir Anth. Well, madam, I will write for for my own interest under it!—Let me see to the boy directly. He knows not a syllable of what account have I turned my simplicity lathis yet, though I have for some time had the tely-[Looks at a paper]. For abetting proposal in my head. He is at present with Miss Lydia Languish in a design of runhis regiment. Mrs. Mal. We have never seen your son, sundry times, twelve pound twelve; gowns, ning away with an ensign!-in money, Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on five; hats, ruffles, caps, etc. etc. numberhis side. less!-From the said ensign, within this Sir Anth. Objection!-let him object if he last month, six guineas and a half.-- About dare! No, no, Mrs. Malaprop, Jack knows a quarter's pay!-Item, from Mrs. Malaprop, that the least demur puts me in a phrensy for betraying the young people to herdirectly. My process was always very simple when I found matters were likely to be dis-in their younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this;" if he demurred, I knocked him down-and if-Item, from Mr. Acres, for carrying dicovered-two guineas, and a black padusoy. be grumbled at that, I always sent him out vers letters of the room. which I never delivered-two Mrs. Mal. Ay, and the properest way, o'my Sir Lucius O'Trigger, three crowns, two guineas, and a pair of buckles.—Item, from nothing is so conciliating to gold pocket-pieces, and a silver snuff-box! young people as severity.-Well, Sir Anthony, Well done, simplicity!-yet I was forced I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and pre- to make my Hibernian believe, that he was pare Lydia to receive your son's invocations 1);and I hope you will represent her to the the niece: for though not over rich, I found corresponding, not with the aunt, but with captain as an object not altogether illegible 2). he had too much pride and delicacy to sacriSir Anth. Madam, I will handle the subject fice the feelings of a gentleman to the necesprudently. Well, I must leave you; and let sities of his fortune. conscience! me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to the girl;-take my advicekeep a tight hand: if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about. [Exit Sir Anth. Mrs. Mal. Well, at any rate I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition 3). She has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger-sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me!-No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have made her confess it.—Lucy!Lucy!-[Calls] Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should never have trusted her. Enter LUCY. Lucy. Did you call, ma'am? Mrs. Mal. Yes, girl.-Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out? ACT II. CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE'S Lodgings. CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG. [Exit. came in: I told him, you had sent me to inFag. Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony quire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you. Abs. And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath? ly gentleman more astonished! Abs. Well, sir, and what did you say? Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of but you may depend on't, he got no truth him. Mrs. Mal. You are sure, Lucy, that you blunders in future, I should be glad to fix from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of never mentioned Lucy. O Gemini! I'd sooner cut my ton gue out. Mrs. Mal. Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on. Lucy. No, ma'am. we may lie a little consistently.-Sir Anthony's Abs. You have said nothing to them-? Mrs. Mal. So, come to me presently, and Thomas, indeed, the coachman (whom I take I'll give you another letter to Sir Lucius; but to be the discreetest of whips)— 1) We invoke the deity. -Adorations would not have been so much too high for her style. 2) Ineligible. 3) If we leave out the particle in in this word, we shall have the lady's meaning. Abs. 'Sdeath!-you rascal!-you have not trusted him! Fag. O, no, sir-no-no-not a syllable, 2) Venality. 1) Benevolence. upon my veracity!-He was, indeed, a little Abs. Softly, softly; for though I am coninquisitive; but I was sly, sir-devilish sly! vinced my little Lydia would elope with me My master, (said I) honest Thomas, (you know, as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means sir, one says honest to one's interiors), is certain that she would take me with the imcome to Bath to recruit-Yes, sir, I said to pediment of our friends' consent, a regular recruit1)—and whether for men, money, or humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, good fortune on my side: no, no; I must nor any one else. prepare her gradually for the discovery, and Abs. Well, recruit will do-let it be so. make myself necessary to her, before I risk Fag. O, sir, recruit will do surprisingly-it.-Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us indeed, to give the thing an air, I told Tho-to-day at the Hotel? mas, that your Honour had already inlisted Faulk. Indeed I cannot; I am not in spifive disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, rits to be of such a party. and thirteen billiard-markers. Abs. You blockhead, never say more than is necessary. Abs. By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, incorrigible lover!-Do love like a man. Faulk. I own I am unfit for company. Fag. I beg pardon, sir-I beg pardonBut, with submission, a lie is nothing unless Abs. Am not I a lover; ay, and a romanone supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on tic one too? Yet do I carry every where my invention for a good current lie, I always with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, forge indorsements as well as the bill. fears, hopes, wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain! Abs. Well, take care you don't hurt your credit, by offering too much security,-Is Mr. Faulkland returned? Faulk. Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one only Fag. He is above, sir, changing his dress. object. You throw for a large stake, but loAbs. Can you tell whether he has been in-sing, you could stake, and throw again:-but formed of Sir Anthony's and Miss Melville's I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, arrival? and not to succeed, were to be stript of all. Abs. But, for Heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your whimsical brain conjure up at present? Fag. I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in but his gentleman, who was with him at Bristol.-I think, sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland coming down Faulk. What grounds for apprehension, did you say? Heavens! are there not a thou sand! I fear for her spirits -- her health-her life-My absence may fret her; her anxiety for my return, her fears for me, may oppress her gentle temper. And for her health, does Abs. Well, well. not every hour bring me cause to be alarmed? Fag. And in tenderness to my character, If it rains, some shower may even then have if your Honour could bring in the chairmen chilled her delicate frame! If the wind be and waiters, I should esteem it as an obliga- keen, some rude blast may have affected her! tion; for though I never scruple a lie to serve The heat of noon, the dews of the evening, my master, yet it hurts one's conscience to be may endanger the life of her, for whom only found out. [Exit. I value mine. O Jack! when delicate and Abs. Now for my whimsical friend-if he feeling souls are separated, there is not a does not know that his mistress is here, I'll feature in the sky, not a movement of the tease him a little before I tell him Abs. Go, tell him, I am here. Fag. Yes, sir-[Going]-I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you will do me the favour to remember, that we are recruiting, if you please. Enter FAULKLAND. Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your return. Faulk. Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when I had finished the business I went on. Well, what news since I left you? How stand matters between you and Lydia? elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension! Abs. Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not. So, then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, you would be entirely content. Faulk. I should be happy beyond measure -I am anxious only for that. Abs. Faith, much as they were; I have not Abs. Then to cure your anxiety at onceseen her since our quarrel; however, I ex-Miss Melville is in perfect health, and is at pect to be recalled every hour. Faulk. Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once? Abs. What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? You forget that, my friend. No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago. this moment in Bath. Faulk. Nay, Jack-don't trifle with me. within this hour. Faulk. Can you be serious? my father Abs. I thought you knew Sir Anthony bet Faulk. Nay then, you trifle too long-if ter than to be surprised at a sudden whim of you are sure of her, propose to the aunt in this kind.-Seriously then, it is as I tell you your own character, and write to Siв An--upon my honour. thony for his consent. Faulk. My dear friend!-Hollo, Du Peigne! 1) Here Mr. Fag gives a proof of the fertility of his in- my hat-my dear Jack-now nothing on earth vention, for in the course of this phrase, he hits upon can give me a moment's uneasiness. the word recruit; the stage effect is lost in the closet, 1) A valet de chambre is never called by any other name than a gentleman now-a-days; and the gentleman calls for his gentleman, to come and dress him. Enter FAG. Fag. Sir, Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below Abs. Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives with- there is an innate levity in woman, that noin a mile of Sir Anthony, and he shall tell thing can overcome.-What! happy, and I you how your mistress has been ever since away! you left her.-Fag, show the gentleman up. Abs. Have done:- How foolish this is! [Exit Fag. just now you were only apprehensive for your Faulk, What, is he much acquainted in mistress's spirits. the family? Abs. Ó, very intimate: I insist on your not going: besides, his character will divert you. Faulk. Well, I should like to ask him a few questions. Aks. He is likewise a rival of mine-that is, of my other self's, for he does not think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in question; and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one Beverley, a concealed skulking rival, whoFaulk. Hush!-He's here. Enter ACREs. Faulk. Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company? Abs. No indeed, you have not. Abs. No, faith, to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid indeed. Acres. What's the matter with the gentleman? 2 Abs. He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has been so well and happy-that's all-hey, Faulkland? Acres. Hah! my dear friend, noble captain, Faulk. Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it-yes, and honest Jack, how do'st thou? just arrived, yes, she has a happy disposition! faith, as you see.-Sir, your humble servant. Acres. That she has indeed-then she is so -Warm work on the roads, Jack-Odds accomplished-so sweet a voice-so expert at whips and wheels! I've travelled like a comet, her harpsichord-such a mistress of flat and with a tail of dust all the way as long as the sharp, squallante, rumblante, and quiverante ! 1) Mall. -there was this time month-Odds minnums Abs. Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric and crotchets! how she did chirup at Mrs. planet, but we know your attraction hither-Piano's concert! Give me leave to introduce Mr. Faulkland to Faulk. There again, what say you to this? you; Mr. Faulkland, Mr. Acres. you see she has been all mirth and songnot a thought of me! Acres. Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: Sir, I solicit your connexions. - Hey, Jack-what, this is Mr. Faulkland, who— Abs. Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr. Faulkland. Acres. Od'so! she and your father can be but just arrived before me-I suppose you have seen them. Ah! Mr. Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man. Faulk. I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir;-I hope she enjoyed full health and rits in Devonshire? spi Acres. Never knew her better in my life, sir, never better. Odds blushes and blooms! she has been as healthy as the German Spa. Faulk. Indeed!-I did hear that she had been a little indisposed. Acres. False, false, sir-only said to vex you quite the reverse, I assure you. Faulk. There, Jack, you see she has advantage of me; I had almost fretted self ill. Abs. Pho! man, is not music the food of love? Faulk. Well, well, it may be so.-Pray, Abs. Stay now, they were some pretty me- Abs. Or, 'Go, gentle gales!'-'Go, gentle gales!'— [Sings. Acres. O no! nothing like it.-Odds! now I recollect one of them-'My heart's my own, my will is free.'[Sings. Faulk. Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my happiness on such a trifler! 'Sdeath! to make the herself the pipe and ballad-monger of a cirmy-cle! to sooth her light heart with catches and glees!-What can you say to this, sir? Abs. Now are you angry with your mistress for not having been sick. Abs. Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, sir. Faulk. No, no, you misunderstand me:- Faulk. Nay, nay, nay—I'm not sorry that yet surely a little trifling indisposition is not an she has been happy-no, no, I am glad of unnatural consequence of absence from those that-I would not have had her sad or sick we love. Now confess-isn't there something-yet surely a sympathetic heart would have unkind in this violent, robust, unfeeling health? shown itself even in the choice of a songAbs. O, it was very unkind of her to be she might have been temperately healthy, and well in your absence to be sure! somehow, plaintively gay; but she has been Acres. Good apartments, Jack. dancing too, I doubt not! Faulk. Well, sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly well -what then she has been merry and gay, I suppose?-Always in spirits-hey? Acres. Merry, odds crickets! she has been the bell and spirit of the company wherever she has been-so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and humour! Faulk. There, Jack, there.-O, by my soul!] 1 Acres. What does the gentleman say about dancing? Abs. He says the lady we speak of dancesas well as she sings. Acres. Ay truly, does she-there was at our last race ball-: 1) The English words squall, rumble, and quiver, italianized by Mr. Acres' ingenious application of their terminations. Faulk, Hell and the devil! There! there- so here-now ancient madam has no voice in I told you so! I told you so! Oh! she thri-it.-I'll make my old clothes know who's mas ves in my absence!-Dancing! but her whole ter-I shall straightway cashier the huntingfeelings have been in opposition with mine!-frock-and render my leather breeches incaI have been anxious, silent, pensive, sedentary pable-My hair has been in training some -my days have been hours of care, my nights time. of watchfulness. She has been all health! Abs. Indeed! Acres. Ay-and tho'ff the side curls are a little restive, my hind-part takes it very kindly, Abs. O, you'll polish, I doubt not. Acres. Absolutely I propose so- than if I can find out this Ensign Beverley, odds trig gers and flints! I'll make him know the dif Faulk. Well, well, I'll contain myself-ference o't. perhaps as you say-for form sake.-What, Abs. Spoke like a man-but pray, Bob, I Mr. Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's observe you have got an odd kind of a new manner of dancing a minuet-hey? method of swearing Abs. For Heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so.-Suppose she has danced, what then?-does not the ceremony of society often oblige Acres. O, I dare insure her for that-but Acres. Ila! ha! you've taken notice of itwhat I was going to speak of was her coun- 'tis genteel, isn't it?—I didn't invent it my try-dancing:-Odds swimmings! she has such self though; but a commander in our militia an air with her! a great scholar, I assure you— says that Faulk. Now disappointment on her! de- there is no meaning in the common oaths, fend this, Absolute; why don't you defend and that nothing but their antiquity makes this?-Country-dances! jigs and reels! am I them respectable; - because, he says, the anto blame now? A minuet I could have for- cients would never stick to an oath or two given-I should not have minded that-I say but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus! or I should not have regarded a minuet-but by Mars! or by Venus! or by Pallas! accordcountry-dances!-Zounds! had she made one ing to the sentiment-so that to swear with in a cotillion-I believe I could have forgiven propriety, says my little major, the oath even that-but to be monkey-led for a night! should be an echo to the sense; and this we -to run the gauntlet through a string of call the oath referential, or sentimental swearamorous palming puppies! to show paces ing-ha! ha! ha! 'tis genteel, isn't it? like a managed filly!-O Jack, there never Abs. Very genteel, and very new indeedcan be but one man in the world, whom a and I dare say will supplant all other figures truly modest and delicate woman ought to of imprecation. pair with in a country-dance; and even then, Acres. Ay, ay, the best terms will grow the rest of the couples should be her great obsolete-Damns have had their day. uncles and aunts! Abs. Ay, to be sure! - grandfathers and grandmothers! Enter FAG. Fag. Sir, there is a gentleman below desires to see you-Shall I show him into the parlour? Abs. Ay-you may. Acres. Well, I must be gone- Abs. You puppy, why didn't you show him [Exit Fag Faulk. If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a contagion-the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig their quivering, warmbreathed sighs impregnate the very air-the atmosphere becomes electrical to love, and each amorous spark darts through every_link of the chain!--I must leave you-I own I am up directly? somewhat flurried-and that confounded looby Acres. You have business with Sir Anhas perceived it. [Going. thony.-1 expect a message from Mrs. MalaAbs. Nay, but stay, Faulkland, and thank proop at my lodgings-I have sent also to my Mr. Acres for his good news. dear friend Sir Lucius O'Trigger. - Adieu, Faulk. Dawn his news! [Exit Faulkland. Jack, we must meet at night, when Abs. Ha! ha! ha! poor Faulkland five mi- give me a dozen bumpers to little Lydia. nutes since 'nothing on earth could give him Abs. That I will with all my heart. [Exit Acres Now for a parental lecture-l hope a moment's uneasiness!' you shail Acres. The gentleman wa'n't angry at my he has heard nothing of the business that has praising his mistress, was he? Abs. A little jealous, I helieve, Bob. of me—that's a good joke. brought me here--I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, with all my soul! Enter SIR ANTHONY. Abs. There's nothing strange in that, Bob; Sir, I am delighted to see you here; and let me tell you, that sprightly grace and in-looking so well! your sudden arrival at Bath sinuating manner of yours will do some mis- made me apprehensive for your health. chief among the girls here. Acres. Ah! you joke-ha! ha! mischiefha ha! but you know I am not my own property, my dear lydia has forestalled me. Sir Anth. Very apprehensive, I dare say, She could never abide me in the country, you, though I did not expect it, for I was because I used to dress so badly-but odds frogs and tambours!1) I sha'n't take matters 1) The people in England call frenchmen frogs, and at that time our male fashions were imported from France; now, we have the advantage, and we have trimmed the Frenchman's jacket these many years. Tambour work for frills, ruffs, etc. going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that 1 grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long. Abs. But my vows are pledged to her. Sir Anth. Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, Abs. Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look I suppose; so there can be no loss there. more strong and hearty; and I pray frequently that you may continue so. Abs. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey Sir Anth. I hope your prayers may be you. heard, with all my heart. Well then, Jack, Sir Anth. Hark'ee, Jack; -I have heard I have been considering that I am so strong you for some time with patience-I have been and hearty, I may continue to plague you a cool-quite cool; but take care-you know 1 long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit. Abs. Sir, you are very good. Sir Anth. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence. am compliance itself-when I am not thwarted;-no one more easily led-when I have my own way;-but don't put me in a phrensy. Abs. Sir, I must repeat it-in this I cannot obey you. Sir Anth. Now damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live! Abs. Nay, sir, but hear me. Sir Anth. Sir, I won't hear a word-not a Abs. Sir, your kindness overpowers meword! not one word! so give me your prosuch generosity makes the gratitude of reason mise by a nod - and I'll tell you what, Jack more lively than the sensations even of filial-I mean, you dog-if you don't byAbs. What, sir, promise to link myself to Sir Anth. I am glad you are so sensible of some mass of ugliness! tomy attention-and you shall be master of a Sir Anth. Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be large estate in a few weeks. as ugly as I choose! she shall have a hump affection. Abs. Let my future life, sir, speak my gra- on each shoulder, she shall be as crooked as titude; I cannot express the sense I have of the Crescent; her one eye shall roll like your munificence.-Yet, sir, I presume you the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall have would not wish me to quit the army? a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew she shall be all this, sirrah!-yet will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty. Sir Anth. O, that shall be as your wife chooses. Sir Anth. Ay, ay, settle that between you -settle that between you. Abs. A wife, sir, did you say? I Abs. This is reason and moderation indeed! Sir Anth. Ay, a wife-why, did not I men- no grinning, jackanapes! tion her before? Abs. Not a word of her, sir. Sir Anth. Odd so!-I mustn't forget her though.-Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by a marriage the fortune is saddled with a wife but I suppose that makes no difference. Abs. Sir! Sir-you amaze me! Sir Anth. Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all gratitude and duty. Abs. I was, sir,—you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife. Sir Anth. Why-what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands. Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah! Abs. Sir, I hope I know my duty better. Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir! none of your violence; if you please-It won't do with me, I promise you. Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis a confounded lie!-I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do. Abs. Nay, sir, upon my word. Sir Anth. So you will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can Abs. If my happiness is to be the price, passion do?-Passion is of no service, you must beg leave to decline the purchase.-impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate! Pray, sir, who is the lady? There you sneer again!--don't provoke me! Sir Anth. What's that to you, sir?-Come, but you rely upon the mildness of my give me your promise to love, and to marry temper-you do, you dog! you play upon Ler directly. the meekness of my disposition! Yet take care Abs. Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, the patience of a saint may be overcome to summon my affections for a lady I know at last!--but mark! I give you six hours and nothing of! a half to consider of this: if you then Sir Anth. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unrea- without any condition, to do every thing on agree, sonable in you to object to a lady you know earth that I choose, why-confound you! I nothing of. may in time forgive you-If not, zounds! don't Abs. Then, sir, I must tell you plainly, enter the same hemisphere with me! don't that my inclinations are fixed on another-dare to breathe the same air, or use the same my heart is engaged to an angel. light with me; but get an atmosphere and a Sir Anth. Then pray let it send an excuse. sun of your own! I'll strip you of your com-It is very sorry-but business prevents its mission; I'll lodge alive-and-threepence in the waiting on her. hands of trustees, and you shall live on the |