Done with you, and root you from my heart for ever. Enter DOWNRIGHT. Down. Why, how now, seignior Gull? For you, sir, thus I demand my honour's due; Are you turned filcher of late? Come, deliver Resolv'd to cool your lust, or end my shame. my_cloak. [Draws. Step. Your cloak, sir! I bought it even now Kno. What lunacy is this? Put up your in open market. sword, and undeceive yourself. No arm that Brain. Master Downright, I have a war e'er pois'd weapon can affright me; but I pity rant I must serve upon you, procured by these folly, nor cope with madness. two gentlemen. Down. These gentlemen! These rascals! Brain. Keep the peace, I charge you in her majesty's name. Kite. I will have proofs I will so you, good wifebawd, Cob's wife; and you, that make your husband such a monster; and you, young pander, an old cuckoldmaker; I'll ha’ you every one before the justice. Nay, you shall answer it; I charge you go. Come forth, to answer what they can object against you, thou bawd. sir. I will use you kindly, sir. [Goes into the House, and brings out Tib. Kno. Marry, with all my heart, sir; I go willingly. Though I do taste this as a trick put on me, Dame K. Go, to thy shame believe it. Come on-I must and will be satisfied. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-Stocks-market. Enter BRAIN WORM. Down. I obey thee. What must I do, officer Mat. Come, let's before, and make the justice, Down. Officer, there's thy fee, arrest him. Brain. Master Stephen, I must arrest you. Step. Arrest me, I scorn it; there, take your cloak, I'll none on't. Down. Nay, that shall not serve your turn now, sir. Officer, I'll go with thee to the Brain. Well, of all my disguises yet, now justice's. Bring him along. Down. I'll ha' you answer it, sir. am I most like myself, being in this sergeant's Step. Why, is not here your cloak; what gown. A man of my present profession never would you have? counterfeits till he lays hold upon a debtor, and says he' rests him; for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a young artichoke, that always car-along. ries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit; pray heaven I come well off! Enter CAPTAIN BOBADIL and MASTER MATTHEW. Brain. So, so, I have made a fair mash on't Brain. I know no remedy, master Stephen Down. Come along before me here. I do not love your hanging look behind. Step. Why, sir, I hope you cannot hang me for it. Can he, fellow? Brain. I think not, sir. It is but a whip ping matter, sure! Step. Why, then let him do his worst, Mat. See, I think, yonder is the varlet, by his gown. 'Save you, friend; are not you here by appointment of justice Clement's man? Brain. Yes, an' please you, sir, he told me two gentlemen had willed him to procure a am resolute. warrant from his master, which I have about me, to be served on one Downright. Mat. It is honestly done of you both; and see where the party comes you must arrest. Serve it upon him quickly, before he be aware. Enter MASTER STEPHEN in DOWNRIGHT'S Capt. B. Bear back, master Matthew. Brain. Master Downright, I arrest you i'the queen's name, and must carry you before a justice, by virtue of this warrant. Step. Me, friend, I am no Downright, I. I am master Stephen; you do not well to arrest me, I tell you truly. I am in nobody's bonds or books, I would you should know it. A plague on you heartily, for making me thus afraid before my time. Brain. Why, now you are deceived, gen tlemen! Capt. B. He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us. But see, here he comes indeed! This is he, officer. [Exeuni SCENE IV. - A Hall in JUSTICE CLEMENT House. Enter JUSTICE CLEMENT, KNO'well, Kitely Just. C. Nay, but stay, stay, give me leave Just. C. But who directed you thither? Kno. Nay, I know not now; I left him wit your clerk; and appointed him to stay for me Just. C. My clerk! About what time was this Kno. Marry, between one and two, as I take Just. C. And what time came my man wh the false message to you, master Kitely? Kite. After two, sir. Just. C. Very good; but, Mrs. Kitely, how chanced it that you were at Cob's? Ha! Dame K. An' please you, sir, I'll tell you My brother Wellbred told me, that Cob's house was a suspected place Just. C. So it appears, methinks: but on. Dame K. And that my husband used thither daily. Just. C. No matter, so he us'd himself well, mistress. Dame K. True, sir; but you know what grows by such haunts, oftentimes. Just. C. I see rank fruits of a jealous brain, mistress Kitely. But did you find your husband there, in that case, as you suspected? Kite. I found her there, sir. Serv. Yes, sir, the officer says, procured by these two. Just. C. Bid him come in. Set by this picture. What, Mr. Downright, are you brought at Mr. Freshwater's suit here? Just. C. Did you so? That alters the case. Who gave you knowledge of your wife's Enter DOWNRIGHT, MAster Stephen, and being there? Kite. Marry, that did my brother Wellbred. Just. C. How! Wellbred first tell her, then tell you after! Where is Wellbred? Kite. Gone with my sister, sir, I know not whither. a de Just. C. Why, this is a mere trick, vice; you are gulled in this most grossly, all! BRAINWORM. Down. I'faith, sir. And here's another, brought at my suit. Just. C. What are you, sir? Step. A gentleman, sir! Oh, uncle! Just. C. Uncle! Who, Master Kno'well? Alas, poor wench! wert thou suspected for this? he charges me with stealing of his cloak; and Tib. Yes, an't please you. would might never stir, if I did not find it Just. C. I smell mischief here; plot and con- in the street by chance. trivance, master Kitely. However, if you will Down. Oh, did you find it, 'now? You said step into the next room with your wife, and you bought it ere-while. think coolly of matters, you'll find some trick Step. And you said I stole it. Nay, now has been played you-I fear there have been my uncle is here, I'll do well enough with you. jealousies on both parts, and the wags have Just. C. Well, let this breathe awhile. You been merry with you. that have cause to complain there, stand forth. Kite. I begin to feel it-I'll take your coun-Had you my warrant for this gentleman's apsel-Will you go in, dame? Dame K. I will have justice, Mr. Kitely. [Exeunt Kitely and Dame Kitely. Just. C. You will be a woman, Mrs. Kitely, that I see-How now, what's the matter? Enter a Servant. Serv. Sir, there's a gentleman 'the court Just. C. A soldier! My sword, quickly. A Enter CAPTAIN BOBADIL and MASTER Capt. B. By your worship's favour-- prehension? Capt. B. Ay, an't please your worship. Capt. B. Of your clerk, sir. Just. C. That's well, an' my clerk can make warrants, and my hand not at 'em! Where is the warrant? Officer, have you it? [Captain Bobadil and Matthew steal off Brain. No, sir, your worship's man, master Formal, bid me do it for these gentlemen, and he would be my discharge. Just. C. Why, master Downright, are you such a novice to be served, and never see the warrant? Down. Sir, he did not serve it on me. Down. Marry, sir, he came to n:e, and said he must serve it, and he would use me kindly, and so Just. C. O, God's pity, was it so, sir? He must serve it? Give me a warrant; I must serve one too. You knave, you slave, you rogue; do you say you must, sirrah? Away with him to gaol. I'll teach you a trick for your must, sir. to me. Brain. Good sir, I beseech you be good Just. C. Tell him he shall to the gaol; away with him, I say. Capt. B. Faith, sir, so it is, this gentleman and myself have been most uncivilly wronged and beaten by one Downright, a coarse fellow about the town here; and, for my own part, I protest, being a man in no sort given to this filthy humour of quarrelling, he hath assaulted me in the way of my peace; despoiled Brain. Ay, sir, if will commit me, it me of mine honour; disarmed me of my wea- shall be for committing more than this. I pons; and rudely laid me along in the open will not lose by my travel any grain of my streets, when I not so much as once offered fame certain. [Throws off his Disguise. to resist him. Just. C. Oh, God's precious! is this the soldier? Lie there, my sword, 'twill make him! swoon, I fear; he is not fit to look on't, that will put up a blow. you Just. C. How is this? Kno. My man, Brainworm! Step. O yes, uncle, Brainworm has been with my cousin Edward and I all this day. Just. C. I told you all there was some device. Brain. Nay, excellent justice, since I have ving drank off, this is my sentence, pledge me. laid myself thus open to you, now stand strong Thou hast done, or assisted to nothing, in my for me, both with your sword and your balance. judgment, but deserves to be pardoned for the Just. C. Body o'me, a merry knave! Give wit o'the offence. Go into the next room; me a bowl of sack. [A Servant brings it let master Kitely into this whimsical business; him] If he belongs to you, master Kno'well, and if he does not forgive thee, he has less I bespeak your patience. mirth in him than an honest man ought to have. [Exit Brainworni] Call master Kitely and his wife there. Brain. That is it I have most need of. Sir, if you'll pardon me only, I'll glory in all the rest of my exploits. Kno. Sir, you know I love not to have my favours come hard from me. You have your pardon; though I suspect you shrewdly for being of counsel with my son against me. Re-enter KITELY and Dame Kitely. Did not I tell you there was a plot against you? Did 1 not smell it out, as a wise magistrate ought? Have not you traced, have not you found it, eh, master Kitely? Brain. Yes, faith, I have, sir; though you retained me doubly this morning for your- Kite. I have-I confess my folly, and own self; first, as Brainworm; after, as Fitz-sword. I have deserved what I have suffer'd for it. I was your reformed soldier. Twas I sent The trial has been severe, but it is past. All you to Cob's upon the errand without end. I have to ask now, is, that as my folly is Kno. Is it possible? Or that thou shouldst cured, and my persecutors forgiven, my shame disguise thyself so as I should not know thee? may be forgotten. Brain. O, sir! this has been the day of my Just. C. That will depend upon yourself, metamorphoses; it is not that shape alone that master Kitely; do not you yourself create the I have run through to-day. I brought master food for mischief, and the mischievous will not Kitely a message too, in the form of master prey upon you. But come, let a general ejustice's man here, to draw him out o'the way, conciliation go round, and let all discontents as well as your worship; while master Well- be laid aside. You, Mr. Downright, put off bred might make a conveyance of mistress your anger; you, master Kno'well, your cares; Bridget to my young master. and do you, master Kitely, and your wife, put off your jealousies. Just. C. But, I pray thee, what hast thou done with my man, Formal? Kite. Sir, thus they go from me: kiss me, my cleansed and my credulous watch where Brain. Faith, sir, after some ceremony past, as making him drunk, first with story, and See what a drove of horns fly in the air, then with wine, but all in kindness, and strip- Wing'd with ping him to his shirt, I left him in that cool vein, departed, sold your worship's warrant Watch 'em, to these two, pawned his livery for that varlet's gown to serve it in; and thus have brought See, see, on heads that think they've none at myself, by my activity, to your worship's consideration. O, what a plenteous world of this will come; Just. C. And I will consider thee in a cup When air rains horns, all may be sure of some. of sack. Here's to thee; [Drinks] which ha-| all. [Exeunt. SOPHIA LEE 80 en is eldest daughter of Mr. John Lee. The author of The Children of Thespis relates of this Mr. Lee, that when he was manager of the Edinburgh Theatre, he was determined to improve upon stage thunder; and having procured a parcel of nine-pound shot, they were put into a wheelbarrow, to which he affixed a nine-pound wheel: this done, ridges were placed at the back of the stage, and one of the carpenters was ordered to trundle this wheelbarrow, filled, backwards and forwards over those ridges; the play was Lear, and in the two first efforts the thunder had a good effect: at length, as the King was braving the pelting of the pitiless storm, the thunderer's foot slipped, and down he came, wheelbarrow and all, the stage heing on a declivity the balls made their way towards the orchestra, and meeting with but a feeble resistance from the scene, laid it flat. This storm was more difficult for Lear to counter than the tempest of which he had so loudly complained: the balls taking every direction, he was obliged to skip about like the man who dances the egg hornpipe: the fiddlers, alarmed for their catgut, hurried out of the orchestra, and, to crown this scene of glorious confusion, the sprawling thunderer lay prostrate in sight of the audience, like another Salmoneus. We were sorry to observe, from the spirit which discovered itself in the preface to her first dramatic performance that she seemed to possess much of her father's petulance and irascibility. Justice, however, calls upon to declare, that the play exhibited a degree of merit which promised much future entertainment to the public. It was entitled, The Chapter of Accidents; and has been followed by Almeida, The Assignation. Besides the dramas that we have mentioned, Miss Lee is author ef an elegant novel, called The Recess. This lady, with her sister Harriet, before noticed, opened a school, called Belvidere House, at Bath, soon after the death of her father, which they have conducted with great ability and credit. THE CHAPTER OF ACCIDENTS, Comedy by Miss Lee, Acted at the Haymarket 1750. This play, which is built on Diderot's Père de Famille. without being a servile copy, possesses considerable merit, and was acted with much applause. It has kept possession of the stage now thirty years. Improving upon the model of Kelly, and the sentimental trash of his day, it mixed the pathos of comedy with the broadest farce, and, all together, proved one of the most successful pieces of this hetero geneous kind that had ever appeared. The characters of Jacob Gawkey and Bridget have been materials upon which many popular dramatists have worked, but without approaching to the originals; and the more serious parts of the piece have been a source of pillage and imitation with as little success. The author published it, with an occasional preface, wherein she complains of the conduct of Mr. Harris respecting this piece, which, she insinuates, he had too long kept in his possession; and delayed bringing out. Prefaces of this kind seldom do any good; they generally result from a hasty and partial view of things, and oftener discredit the writers than the objects of them. ACT I. SCENE I. A Hall. Enter VANE, in a Riding-dress, followed Woodville," says I.-"He does," cries he; by a Footman. says I, "her father unluckily died just before the duke his brother, and so could not leave her one shilling of all that fine fortune; and so my lord intends to marry her to Mr. "heaven be praised I'm come in time to mar Vane. Run, and tell Mrs. Warner, my lord that dainty project, however. You may go, is at hand; and bid the butler send me a bottle woman, and tell miss I don't want any thing of hock. 1) [Throws himself along the hall more to-night." So up goes 1 to miss MorChairs, wiping his Forehead] Phew! the timer, and tells her all this. Lord! how glad months have jumbled out of their places, and she was, to find he intended to break the we have July in September. match, though she can't guess what he means. Vane. Upon my soul, I think it is full as hard to guess what she means. What the devil, will not my lord's title, fortune, and only son, be a great catch for a girl without friend or a shilling? a Mrs. W. Ay; but I could tell you a little story would explain all. You must know[Sits down. A loud knocking. Vane. [Starts up] Zounds, here's my lord! [Exeunt confusedly. SCENE II. An Anti-chamber. Vane. Why don't you see I am dead? absolutely dead; and, if you was to touch me, I should shake to mere dust, like an Egyptian mummy. Because it was not provoking enough to lounge away a whole summer in the coun- Enter LORD GLENMORE and GOVERNOR HARtry, here am I driven up to town, as if the COURT meeting; the latter hobbling. devil was at my heels, in the shape of our Lord G. You are welcome to England, hopeful heir; who has neither suffered my brother! I am sorry your native air pays you lord nor me to rest one moment, through so ill a compliment after sixteen years abhis confounded impatience to see his uncle. sence. Mrs. W. Umph-he'll have enough of the Gov. H. Faith, my lord, and so am I too, old gentleman presently. He is the very mo- I promise you: I put up with these things ral of my poor dear lady, his sister, who never tolerably well in the Indies; I did not go was at peace herself, nor suffered any one there to be happy; but after all my labours, else to be so. Such a house as we have had to find I have just got the money when it is ever since he came! Why, he is more full out of my power to enjoy it, is a cursed of importance and airs than a bailiff in pos- stroke: like a fine ship of war, I am only session; and hectors1) over miss Mortimer, come home to be dismasted and converted till she almost keeps her chamher to avoid into an hospital. However, I am glad you him. hold it better; I don't think you looked as Vane. Hates miss Mortimer! Why, here'll well when we parted. My sister, poor Susan! be the devil to pay about her, I suppose! she is gone too: well, we can never live a Mrs. W. Hate her? ay, that he does. He day the longer for thinking on't. Where's looked as if he could have killed her, the mo- Frank? Is he still the image of his mother? ment she came down to see him; and got Lord G. Just as you left him; but that the into his chamber presently after, where he innocence of the boy is dignified by the knowsends for me. "Who is this young woman, ledge of the man. Mrs. What's-your-name?" says he.-"Why, Gov. H. He will hardly remember his old sir," say's I, she is the orphan of a colonel uncle! I did love the rogue, that's the truth Mortimer, whose intimacy with my lord," says on't; and never looked at my money-bags I.-"Pho, pho," says he, "all that I know, but I thought of him. However you have woman; what does she do in this house?" provided him a wife. says he, his face wrinkling all over like Lord G. I have; you saw her on your arcream, when it's skimming. “Why, sir," rival, I suppose, for I left her in town to attend a sick aunt. Poor Mortimer! he died one 1) Hochheimer. 2) To hector, means to command: this with the words month before the duke his brother, and missed a fine title and estate. You know how I loved tantalize and to pander, easily shows its derivation. the honest fellow, and cannot wonder I took home his orphan daughter as a match for Lord G. Indeed! is that possible? Gov. H. How do you think I contrived to Woodville. make them obey my instructions? I saw they Gov. H. Brother, brother, you are too ge- suspected I was some rich humourist, and nerous; it is your foible, and artful people was afraid they would after all make a little know how to convert it to their own advantage. bit of a gentlewoman of her, for which reason, Lord G. It is, if a foible, the noblest inci- except the first year in advance, they never dent to humanity. Sophia has birth, merit, had a single shilling of my money. accomplishments; and wants nothing but money to qualify her for any rank. And Lord G. This is almost incredible! so you left your only child to the charity of strangers? Gov. H. Can she have a worse want on earth? Birth, merit, accomplishments, are the Gov. H. No, no, not so bad as that neither. very things that render money more essential. You remember my honest servant Hardy? Lord G. You are too captious, brother! After the poor fellow's leg was shot off in my Gov. H. And you too placid brother! If, tent, I promised him a maintenance; so inlike me, you had been toiling a third of your trusting him with the secret, I ordered him days to compass a favourite design, and found to live in the neighbourhood, have an eye on it disappointed at the moment you thought it the girl, and claim her if ill used: fine accomplete, what would even your serene lord- counts I had from him, faith! The old parship say and do? Here have I promised my son and his wife having no children, and not self a son in yours, an heir in yours; instead finding any one own her, gave out she was of whichtheirs, and doated on her; in short, she is Lord G. His marriage with miss Mortimer the little wonder of the country; tall as the palmwill not make him unworthy either title. tree! with cheeks, that might shame the drawGov. H. Never mention her name to me, I ing-room; and eyes, will dim the diamonds 1 beg, my lord! the wife I would have given have brought over to adorn them. This conhim, has beauty without knowing it, in- founded gout has kept me in continual alarm, nocence without knowing it, because she or else she should have spoke for herself. knows nothing else, and, to surprise you Lord G. Why then does not Hardy bring further, forty thousand pounds without know- her up to you? ing it; nay, to bring all your surprises together, is my daughter without knowing it. sons. Gov. H. Why, for two very sufficient reaIn the first place, that identical parson Lord G. Your daughter? Why, have you paid him the last compliment, that is, buried married since my sister's death? Your daughter him a twelvemonth ago; and in the second, by her you lost before you went abroad." they would hardly entrust her to any man Gov. H. Yes, but I shall find her again, I but him who delivered her to them. Here believe. I know you will call this one of my was a girl, my lord, to support your title, of odd whims as usual, but we have all some; which I dare swear you are as fond as ever. witness this dainty project of yours; and so Lord G. I thank your intention, brother; I will tell you the truth in spite of that pro- but am far from wishing the chief accomject. From the very birth of this girl, I saw plishments of Woodville's lady should be the her mother would spoil her had she lived, making cream cheeses, goats whey, and elder and proposed kidnapping miss in her infancy. wine. Lord G. Kidnap your own daughter! Why, Gov. H. Let me tell your lordship, women brother, I need only prove this to obtain a were never better than when those were the commission of lunacy, and shut you up for life. chief accomplishments. But I may be ridiGov. H. Why, though my wife was your culous my own way without being singular. lordship's sister, I will venture to tell you Harcourt shall have my girl, and my money she was plaguy fantastical, and contrived to too. Cream cheeses, quotha! no, no, making torment me as much with her virtues, as cream faces is an accomplishment which the others by their vices. Such a fuss about her de- bellcs of these days oftener excel in. licacy, her sensibility, and her refinement, that Lord G. I would not advise you to publish I could neither look, move, nor speak, with- this opinion, governor; for though you should out offending one or the other; and exe- call no anger into the cheeks of the ladies, crated the inventor of the jargon every hour doubt you would into their hearts. in the four and twenty a jargon, I resolved Goo. H. But where is this son of yours? my girl should never learn; and heaven no sure he has not totally forgot his old uncle? sooner took her mother (heaven be praised Lord G. He will be here immediately. for all things!) than I dispatched her draggle- Gov. H. Nay, I must e'en take an old man's tailed French governess; made a bonfire of fate, and follow his mistress without complaint. every book on education; whipped miss into Lord G. You have no reason for the rea post-chaise, under a pretence of placing her proach; this is not his hour for visiting miss in a nunnery; instead of which, I journeyed Mortimer. into Wales, and left her in the care of a Gov. H. Miss Mortimer! ha, ha, ha! why, poor curate's wife, whose name was up as do you think I took her for his mistress? the best housewife in the whole country; then What, I warrant I can tell you news of your returned with a solemn history of her death in the small-pox Lord G. Well, this is indeed astonishing! an admirable tutoress truly for my niece! Gov. H. Yes, but there's a better jest than that. own family, though I have hardly been three days in it. Woodville keeps a girl, and in great splendour! nay, they tell me, that the unconscionable young rogue encroaches so far on the privileges of threescore, as to intend marrying the slut. |