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most work, and ought to have most wages.. Honey. Hush, hush, he's coming up, he'll
Honey. That's but just; though perhaps here hear you. comes the butler to complain of the footman. Jar. One whose voice is a passing-bell
Jar. Ay, it's the way with them all, from Honey. Well, well, go, do. the scullion to the privy counsellor. If they Jar. A raven that bodes nothing but mischief; have a bad master, they keep quarrelling with a coffin and cross-bones; a bundle of rue; him; if they have a good master, they keep a sprig of deadly night-shade; aquarrelling with one another.
[Honeywood stops his Mouth,
and pushes him off. Enter Butler, drunk.
Honey. I must own my old monitor is not But. Sir, I'll not stay in the family with entirely wrong. There is something in my Jonathan; you must part with him, or part friend Croaker's conversation that quite de with me, that's the ex position of the presses me. His very mirth is an antidole to matter, sir.
all gaiety, and his appearance has a stronger Honey. Explicit enough. But what's bis effect on iny spirits ihat an undertaker's shop. fault
, good Philip? Bul. Sir, he's given to drinking, sir; and I
Enter CROAKER. shall have my morals corrupted by keeping Mr. Croaker, this is such a satisfaction
Croak. A pleasant morning to Mr. HoneyHoney. Ha, ha! he has such a diverting way. wood, and many of them. How is this? You Jar. O quite amusing.
look most shockingly to-day, my dear friend. But. I find my wines a going, sir; and I hope this weather does not affect your liquors don't go without mouths. I hate a spirits. To be sure, if this weather continues drunkard, sir.
-I say nothing - but God send we be all Honey. Well, well, Philip, I'll hear you better this day ihree months. upon that another time; so go to bed now. Honey. I heartily concur in the wish, though Jar. To bed! Let him go to the devil! I own not in your apprehensions.
But. Begging your honour's pardon, and Croak. May be noi! Indeed what signifies begging your pardon, master Jarvis, I'll not what weather we have in a country going to go to bed, nor to the devil neither: I have ruin like ours? Then so many foreigners, enough to do to mind my cellar. I forgot, that I'm afraid for our wives and daughters. your honour, Mr. Croaker is below. I came Honey. I have no apprehensions for the on purpose to tell you.
ladies, I assure you. Honey.. Why didn't you show him up, Croak. May be not. And what signifies? blockhead?
The women in my time were good for someBut. Show him up, sir? With all my heart, thing. I have seen a lady dressed from top sir. Up or down, all's one to me. [Exit. to toe in her own manufactures formerly.
Jar. Ay, we have one or other of that But now-a-days the devil a thing of their family in this house from morning till night own manufactures about them, except their He comes
on the old affair, I suppose; the faces. match between his son, that's just returned Honey. But, however these faults may be from Paris, and miss Richland, the young lady practised abroad, you don't find them at bome, he's guardian to.
either with Mrs. Croaker, Olivia, or Miss Honey, Perhaps so. Mr. Croaker, knowing Richland. my friendship for the young lady,, has got it Croak. By-the-by, my dear friend, I don't into his head that I can persuade her to what find this match between miss Richland and I please.
my, son much relished, either by one side or Jar. Ah! if you loved yourself but half as t'other. well as she loves you, we should soon see a Honey. I thought otherwise. marriage that would set all things to rights Croak. Ah, Mr. Honeywood, a little of your again.
fine serious advice to the young lady night Honey. Love me! Sure, Jarvis, you dream. go far: I know she has a very exalted opinion No; that she is the most lovely woman that of your understanding. ever warmed the human heart with desire, I Honey. But would not that be usurping own; but never let me harbour a thought of an authority that more properly belongs to making her unhappy, by a connexion with yourself? one so unworthy her merits as I am.
No, Croak. My dear friend you know but little Jarvis, it shall be my study to serve her, even of my authority at home. People think, inin spite of my wishes; and to secure her hap- deed, because they see me come out in a piness, though it destroys my own.
morning thus, with a pleasant face, and to Jar. Was ever the like?' I want patience. make my friends merry, that all's well within. Honey. Besides, Jarvis, though I could ob- But I have cares that would break a heart of tain miss Richland's consent, do you think I stone. My wife bas so encroach'd upon every could succeed with her guardian, or Mrs. one of my privileges, that I'm now no more Croaker, his wife? who, though both very than a mere lodger in my own house. fine in their way, are yet a little opposite in Honey. But a little spirit exerted on your their dispositions, you know.
side might perhaps restore your authority. Jar. Opposite enough, heaven knows; the Croak. No, though I had the spirit of a very reverse of cach other: she, all laugh, and lion! I do rouse sometimes. But what then? no joke; be, always complaining, and never Always haggling and haggling. A man is sorrowful; a fretful, poor soul, that has a new tired of getting the better, before his wife is distress for every hour in the four-and-twenty. tired of losing the victory.
Honey. It's a melancholy consideration in- Mrs. C. I vow he seems as melancholy as deed, that our chief comforts often produce if he had taken a dose of my busband this our greatest anxieties, and that an increase of morning. Well, if Richland here will pardon our possessions is but an inlet to new dis- you, I must. quietudes.
Miss R. You would seem to insinuate, maCroak. Ah, my dear friend, these were the dam, that I have particular reasons for being very words of poor Dick Doleful to me not disposed to refuse it. a week before he made away with himself. Mrs. C. Whatever I insinuate, my dear, Indeed, Mr. Honeywood, I never see you but don't be so ready to wish an explanation. you put me in mind of poor Dick.--- Ah, there Miss R. I own I should be sorry, Mr. Honeywas merit neglected for you! and so true a wood's long friendship and mine should be friend; we loved each other for thirty years, misunderstood. and yet he never asked me to lend him a Honey. There's no answering for others, single farthing.
madam. But I hope you'll never find me Honey. Pray what could induce him to presuming to offer inore than the most delicomit so rash an action at last?
cate friendship may readily allow. Croak. I don't know, some people were Miss R. And I shall be prouder of such a malicious enough to say it was keeping com- tribute from you than the most passionate pany with me; because we used to meet now professions from others. and then and open our hearts to each other. Honey. My own sentiments, madam: friendTo be sure I loved to hear him talk, and he ship is a disinterested commerce between loved to hear me talk; poor dear Dick. He equals; love, an abject intercourse between used to say that Croaker rhymed to joker; tyrants and slaves. and so we us’d to laugh-Poor Dick.
Miss R. And, without a compliment, I know
[Going to Cry. none more disinterested or more capable of Honey. His fate affects me.
friendship than Mr. Honeywood. Croak. Ay, he grew sick of this miserable Mrs. C. And indeed I know nobody that life, where we do nothing but eat and grow has more friends, at least among the ladies. hungry, dress and undress, get up and lie Miss Fruzz, miss Odbody, and miss Winterdown; while reason, that should watch like a boltom, praise him in all companies. As for nurse by our side, falls as fast asleep as we do. miss Biddy Bundle, she's bis professed admirer.
Honey. Very true, sir, nothing can exceed Miss R. Indeed! an admirer! But is she the vanity of our existence, but the folly of seriously, so handsome? Is she the mighty our pursuits. We wept when we came into thing talked of? the world, and every day tells us why. Honey. The town, madam, seldom begins
Croak. Ah, my dear friend, it is a perfect to praise a lady's beauty, till she's beginning satisfaction to be miserable with you. My to lose it.
[Smiling son Leontine shan't lose the benefit of such Mrs. C. But she's resolved never to lose it, fine conversation. I'll just step home for him. it seems. For as her natural face decays, her And what if I bring my last letter to the Ga- skill improves in making the artificial one. zetteer, on the increase and progress of earth-Well, nothing diverts me more than one of quakes? It will amuse us, I promise you. I those fine, old, dressy things, who thinks to there prove how the late earthquake is coming conceal her age, by every where exposing her round to pay us another visit from London to person; sticking herself up in the front of a Lisbon, from Lisbon to the Canary Islands, sidebox; trailing through a minuet at Almack's; from the Canary Islands to Palmyra, from and then, in the public gardens looking for Palmyra to Constantinople, and so from Con- all the world like one of the painted ruins of stantinople back to London again. [E.cit. the place.
Honey. Poor Croaker! I shall scarce re- Honey. Every age has its admirers, ladies. cover my spirits these three days. Sure, to While you, perhaps, are trading among the live upon such terms is worse than death it- warmer climates of youth, there ought to be self. And yet, when I consider 'my own some to carry on a useful commerce in the situation, a broken fortune, an hopeless pas- frozen latitudes beyond-lifty. sion, friends in distress; the wish, but not the Miss R. But then the mortifications they power to serve them-' [Pauses and sighs. must suffer before they can be fitted out for
traflic. I have seen one of them fret a whole Re-enter Butler,
morning at her bair-dresser, when all the But More company below, sir; Mrs. Croaker fault was ber face. and miss Richland; shall I show them up? Honey. And
has carried that But they're showing themselves up. (Exit. face at last to
a very good market. This Enter Mas. Croaker and Miss Richland. like spectacles, to fit every age, from fifteen
good-natured town, madam, has husbands, Miss R. You're always in such spirits. to fourscore.
Mrs. C. We have just come, my dear Honey- Mrs. C. Well, you're a dear good-natured wood, from the auction. There was the old creature. But you know you're engaged with deaf dowager, as usual, bidding like a fury us this morning. upon a strolling party. I against herself. And then so curious in an- want to show Olivia the town, and the things; tiques! Herself the most genuine piece of an- I believe I shall bave business for you for the tiquity in the whole collection.
whole day. Honey. Excuse me, ladies, if some uneasiness Honey. I am sorry, madam, I have an apfrom friendship makes me unfit to share in pointment with Mr. Croaker, which it is imthis good humour: I know you'll pardon me. Ipossible to put off.
Mrs. C. What! with my husband? Then consider every look, every expression of your I'm resolved to take no refusal. Nay, I protest esteem, as due only to me. This is folly peryou must. You know I never laugh so much haps: I allow it; but it is natural to suppose, as with you.
that merit which has made an impression on Honey. Why, if I must, I must. Do you one's own heart, may be powerful over that find jest, and I'll find laugh, I promise you. of another. We'll wait for the chariot in the next room. Leon. Don't, my life's treasure, don't let us
[Exeunt make imaginary evils, when you know we
have so many real ones to encounter. At Enter LEONTINE and OLIVIA.
worst, you know, if Miss Richland should Leon. There they go, thoughtless and happy. consent, or my father refuse his pardon, it My dearest Olivia, what would I give to see can but end in a trip to Scotland; andyou capable of sharing in their amusements, and as cheerful as they are.
Re-enter CROAKER. Oli. How, my Leontine, how can I be cheer- Croak, Where have you been, boy? I have ful, when I have so many terrors to oppress been seeking you. My friend Honeywood me? The fear of being detected by this family, bere has been saying such comfortable things
. and the apprehensions of a censuring world Ah! he's an example indeed. Where is he? when I must be detected
I left him here. Leon. The world! my love, what can it say? Leon. Sir, I believe you may see him, and At worst it can only say, that being com- hear him too in the next room; he's preparing pelled by a mercenary guardian to embrace to go out with the ladies. à life you disliked, you formed a resolution Croak. Can I believe my eyes or ears? I'm of flying with the man of your choice; that;struck dumb with his vivacity, and stunn'd you 'confided in his honour, and took refuge with the loudness of his laugh. Was there in my father's house; the only one where yourserer such a transformation! [A Laugh behind could remain without censure.
the Scenes ; Croaked mimics it] Ha, ha, ha! Oli. But consider, Leontine, your being sent there it goes; a plague take their balderdash; to France to bring home a sister; and instead yet I could expect nothing less, when my of a sister bringing home
precious wife was of the party. Leon. One dearer than a thousand sisters. Leon. Since you find so many objections to One that I am convinced will be equally dear a wife, sir, how can you ‘be so earnest in to the rest of the family, when she comes to recommending one lo me? be known.
Croak. I have told you, and tell you again
, Oli. And that, I fear, will shortly be. boy, that miss Richland's fortune must not go
Leon. Impossible, till we ourselves think out of the family. proper to make the discovery. My sister, you Leon. But, sir, it may be possible she has know, has been with her aunt, at Lyons, since no inclination to me. she was a child, and you find every creature Croak. I'll tell you once for all how it in the family takes you for her.
stands: a good part of miss Richland's large Oli. But mayn't she write? mayn't her fortune consists in a claim upon government
, aunt wrile?
which my good friend, Mr. Lofty, assures me Leon. Her aunt scarce ever writes, and all the Treasury will allow. One half of this she my sister's letters are directed to me. is to forfeit, by her father's will, in case she
Oli. But won't your refusing miss Richland, refuses to marry you. So, if she rejects you, for whom, you know, the old gentleman in- we seize half her fortune; if she accepls you, tends you, create a suspicion ?
we seize the whole, and a fine girl into the Leon. There, there's my master-stroke. I bargain. have resolved not to refuse her; nay, an hour Leon. But, sir, if you will but listen to hence 1 bave consented to go with my father, reasonto make her an offer of my heart and fortune. Croak. I tell you I'm fix’d, determined; so Oli. Your heart and fortune!
now produce your reasons,
When I'm deLeon. Don't be alarmed, my dearest. Can termined, I always listen to reason, because it Olivia think so meanly of my honour or my can then do no larm. love, as to suppose I could ever hope for hap- Leon. You have alleged that a mutual choice piness from any but ber? No, my Olivia, was the first requisite in matrimonial happiness
. neither the force nor, permit me to add, the Croak. Well
, and you have both of you a delicacy of my passion, leave any room to mutual choice. 'She las her choice-o marry suspect me. I only offer miss Richland a you, or lose half her fortune; and you have heart I am convinced she will refuse; as I am your choice — to marry her, or pack out of confident that, without knowing it, her affec-doors without any fortune at all
. tions are fixed upon Mr Honeywood.
Leon. An only son, sir, might expect more Oli
. Mr. Honeywood! you'll excuse my ap- indulgence. prehensions: but when your merits come to Croak. An only father, sir, might expect be put in the balance
more obedience besides, has not your sister Leon. You view them with too much par-here, that never disobliged me in her life, 118 tiality. However, by making this offer, I show good a right as you? He's a sad dog, Livy, a seeming compliance with my father's com- my dear, and would take all from you. mands; and perhaps, upon her refusal, I may Oli. Dear sir, I wish you'd be convinced have his consent to choose for myself. that I can nerer be happy in any addition to
Oli. And yet, my Leontine, sown I shall my fortune, which is taken from his. envy her even your pretended addresses. I Croak. Well, well, say no more; but come
with me, and we shall see something that will Miss R. Sir, I should be ungrateful not to give us a great deal of pleasure, I promise be pleased with any thing that comes recomyou; old Ruggins, the curry-comb maker, lying mended by you. in state: I'm told he becomes his coffin pro- Croak. How, boy; could you desire a finer digiously. He was an intimate friend of mine; opening? Why don't you begin, I say? and these are friendly things we ought to do
[To Leontine. for each other.
[Exeunt. Leon. 'Tis true, madam, my father, madam,
has some intentions - hem- of explaining an ACT II.
affair - wliich -- himself - can best explain, SCENE I.-CROAKER's House.
Croak. Yes, my dear, it comes entirely from Enter Miss RICHLAND and GARNET.
my son; it's all a request of his own, madam. Miss R. Olivia not bis sister? Olivia not Leon. The whole affair is only this, maLeontine's sister?
dam; my father has a proposal to make, which Gar. No more bis sister than I am; I had he insists none but himself shall deliver. it all from his own servant; I can get any Croak. In short, madam, you see before thing from that quarter.
you one that loves you; one whose whole Miss R. But how? Tell me again, Garnet. happiness is all in you.
Gar. Why, madam, as I told you before, Miss R. I never had any doubts of your instead of going to Lyons to bring bome his regard, sir; and I hope you can have none sister, who has been there with her aunt these of my duty. ten years, he never went further than Paris; Croak. 'That's not the thing, my little sweetthere he saw and fell in love with this young ing; my love! No, no, there he stands, malady: by-the-by, of a prodigious family. dam; his very looks declare the force of his
Miss R. And brought her home to my guar-passion-Call up a look, you dog.---But then dian as his daughter?
had you seen him, as I have, weeping, speakGar. Yes, and daughter she will be. If he ing, soliloquies and blank verse, sometimes don't consent to their marriage, they talk of melancholy, and sometimes absenttrying what a Scotch parson can do.
Miss R. I fear, sir, he's absent now; or such Miss R. Well, I own they have deceived a declaration would have come most properly me - And so demurely has Olivia carried it from himself. too! - Would
you believe it, Garnet, I told Croak. Himself, madam! he would die beher all my secrets; and yet the sly cheat con- fore he could make such a confession. cealed all this from me?
Miss R. I must grant, sir, that a silent adGar. And, upon my word, madam, I don't dress is the genuine eloquence of sincerity. much blame her; she was loath to trust one Croak. Madam, he has forgot to speak any with her secrets, that was so very bad at other language; silence is become his mother keeping her own.
tongue. Miss R. But, to add to their deceit, the Miss R. And it must be confessed, sir, it young gentleman, it seems, pretends to make speaks very powerfully in his favour. And me serious proposals; and you know I am to yet, I shall be thought too forward in making lose half my fortune if I refuse him. such a confession; shan't I, Mr. Leontine?
Gar. Yet, what can you do? for being, as Leon. Confusion! my reserve will undo me you are, in love with Mr. Honeywood, madam- But, if modesty, altracts her, impudence niay
Miss R. Well, no more of this! As to my disgust her. I'll try. [-Aside] Don't imagine, guardian, and his son, they shall find me pre- from my silence, madam, that I want a due pared to receive them; I'm resolved to accept sense of the honour and happiness intended their proposal with seeming pleasure, to mor- me. My father, madam, tells me, your humble tify them by compliance, and throw the refusal servant is not totally indifferent to you; he at last upon them.
I adore you: and when we come Gar. Delicious! and that will secure your together, upon my soul, I believe we shall be whole forlune to yourself. Well, who could the happiest couple in all St. James's. have thought so innocent a face could cover Miss R. If I could flatter myself, you thought so much cuteness?
as you speak, sirMiss R. Why, girl, I only oppose my pru
Leon. Doubt my sincerity, madam? By your dence to their cunning, and practise a lesson dear self I swear. Ask the brave if they dethey have taught me against themselves. , sire glory; ask cowards if they covet safetyGar. Then you're likely not long to want
Croak. Well, well, no more questions employment; for here they come.
Leon. Ask the sick if they long for health; Enter CROAKER and LEONTINE. ask misers if they love money; askLeon. Excuse me, sir, if I seem to hesitate Croak. Ask a fool if he can talk nonsense! upon the point of putting the lady so impor- What signifies asking, when there's not a soul tant a question.
to give you an answer? If you would ask Croak. Lord, good-sir! moderate your fears; to the purpose, ask this lady's consent to make I tell you we must have the half or the whole. you happy. Come, let me see with what spirit you begin! Miss R. Why, indeed, sir, his uncommon Well, why don't you? Eh! 'What? Well ardour almost compels me, forces me to comthen I must, it seems — Miss Richland, my ply. And yet I'm afraid he'll despise a conquest dear, I believe you guess at our business; an gain'd with too much ease; won't you, 'Mr. affair which nearly concerns your happiness, Leontine? as well as my son's.
Leon. Confusion! [Aside] O, by no means,
madam; by no means. And yet, madam, you pleases with those that do what they please? talk of force: there is nothing I would avoid | Isn't be an acquaintance that all your groaning so much as compulsion in a thing of this and lamentations could never have got us? kind. No, madam, I will still be generous, Croak. He is a man of importance, I grant and leave you at liberty to refuse.
you. And yet, what amazes me is, that while Croak. But I tell you, sir, the lady is not he is giving away, places to all the world, he at liberty. It's a match. You sec she says can't get one for bimself. nothing: silence gives consent.
Mrs. C. That, perhaps, may be owing to Leon. Consider, sir, the crueli; of con- his nicety. Great men are not easily satislied. straining her inclinations. Croak. But I say there's no cruelty. Don't
Enter a French Servant. you know, blockhead, that girls have always Serv. An expresse from monsieur Lofty. a roundabout way of saying yes before com- lle vil be vait upon your honour's instammant. pany? So gel you both gone together into le be only giving four five instruction, read ihe next room; and hang him that interrupts iwo tree memorial, call upon von ambasthe tender ex lanation. Get you gone, I say; sadeur. He vil be vid you in one tree minutes. I'll not hear a word.
Mrs. C. You see now, my dear. What an Leon. But, sir, I must beg leave to insisl extensive department! Well, friend, let your Croak. Get off
, you puppy, or I'll beg leaye master know, that we are extremely honoured 10 insist upon knocking you down. Stupid by this honour. [Exit French Servant] Was whelp. But I don't wonder; the boy takes there any thing ever in a bigber style of entirely after his mother.
breeding? All messages among the great are [Exeunt Miss Richland and Leontine. now done by express.
Croak. To be sure, no
man does little Enter Mrs. CROAKER.
things with more solemnity, or claims more Mrs. C. Mr. Croaker, I bring you something, respect than be; but he's in the right on't. In my dear, that I believe will make you smile. our bad world, respect is given where respect Croak. I'll bold you a guinea of that, my dear. is claim'd. Mrs. C. A letter; and, as I knew the hand, Mrs. C. Never mind the world, my
dear: | ventured to open it.
you were never in a pleasanter place in your Croak. And how can you expect your life. Let us now think of receiving him with breaking, open my letters should give me proper respect; (A loud rapping ai the Door] pleasure?
and there he is, by, the thundering rap. Mrs. C. Pooh, it's from your sister at Lyons, Croak. Ay, verily, there be is, as close and contains good news: read it.
upon the heels of his own express, as an Croak. What a Frenchified cover is here! indorsement upon the back of a bill. Well, Tkat sister of mine has some good qualities; I'll leave you to receive bim, whilst I
go but I could never teach her to fold a letter. chide
my little Olivia for intending to steal a Mrs. C. Fold a fiddlestick. Read what it marriage without mine or her aunt's consent, contains.
[Exit. Croak. [Reads] Dear Nick-An English gentleman, of large fortune, has for some Enter Lofty, speaking to his Servant. time made private, though honourable pro- Lofty. And if the Venetian ambassador, or posals to your daughter Olivia. They love that feasing, creature, the marquis, should call, each er tenderly; and I find she has I'm not at home. Dam'me, I'll be pack-borse consented, without letting any of the family to none of them. My dear madam, I have know, tó crown his addresses. As such just snatched a moment-And if the expresses good offers don't come every day, your to his grace be ready, let them be sent off: own good sense, his large fortune, and they're of importance. Madam, I ask a thonfamily considerations, will induce you to sand pərdons. forgive her. Yours ever, RACHEL CROAKER. Mrs. C. Sir, this honourMy daughter Olivia privately contracted to a Lofty. And, Dubardieu, if the person calls man of large fortune! This is good news in-ahout the commission, let him know that it is deed:
heart nerer foretold me of this made out. As for lord Cumbercourt's stale And yet, how slily the little baggage bas car-request, it can keep cold: you understand me. ried it since she came homnc. Not a word on't Madam, I ask ten thousand pardons. to the old ones for the world. Yet, I thought Mrs. C. Sir, this honourI saw something she wanted to conceal. Lofty. And, Dubardieu, if the man comes Mrs. C. Well
, if they have concealed their from the Cornish borough, you must do bim; amour, they shan't conceal their wedding; that you must do him, I say. Madam, I ask you shall be public, I'm resolved.
ten thousand pardons --And if the RussianCrock! I tell thee, woman, the wedding is ambassador calls; but he will scarce call tothe most foglish part of the ceremony. day, I believe. And now, madam, I have just
Mrs. C. But come, tell me, my dear, don't got time to express my happiness, in having you owe more to me than you care to con- the honour of being permitted to profess my. fess? Would you have ever been known to self your most obedient humble servant. Mr. Lofty, who has undertaken miss Rich
Mrs. C. Sir, the happiness and honour are land's claim at the Treasury, but for me? all mine; and yet, I'm only robbing the public Who was it first made him an acquaintance while I detain you. at lady Shabbaroon's rout? Who got him to Lofty. Sink the public, madam, when the promise us his interest? Is not he a back-fair are to be attended.' Ab, could all my Stairs favourite; one that can do what he hours be so charmingly devoted! Thus it is