MIRTH IN MINIATURE; OR, BURSTS OF MERRIMENT. Hot as an oven. A GENTLEMAN having occasion to call for Mr. Joseph G****n, writer, found him at home in his writing-chamber. He remarked the great heat of the apartment, and said, "It was as hot as an oven." So it ought," replied Mr. G. " for 'tis here I make my bread." Kind hearted Man. An old bawd being carried before the late Justice Bond, for keeping a disorderly house, strongly denied all that was charged against her." Housewife house wife!" said the Justice, how have you the assurance to deny it? You do keep a bawdy-house, and I will maintain it." Will you ?” replied the old bawd: the Lord bless you! I always took you to be a kind-hearted gentleman." Love our Enemies. A physician seeing Charles Bannister about to drink a glass of brandy, said, "Don't drink that filthy stuff brandy is the worst enemy you have." "I know that," replied Charles, "but you know we are commanded by Scripture to love our enemies." Venial wit. Dean Jackson passing one morning through Christchurch quadrangle, met some under-graduates, who walked along without capping. The Dean called one of them, and asked, "Do you know who I am ?" “No, sir." "How long have you been in College?" " Eight 66 days, sir." Oh, very well," said the Dean, walking away, "puppies don't open their eyes till the ninth day.' Hotch-potch. Soon after Dr. Johnson's return from Scotland to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she asked him if it was good? To which he replied, "very good for hogs!" "Then, pray," said the lady, "let me help you to a little more." Young Bible. Lady Wallace, celebrated in Scotland for her wit and beauty, happening to be at an assembly in Edinburgh, a young gentleman, the son of his Majesty's printer, who had the patent for publishing Bibles, made his appearance, dressed in green and gold. Being a new face, and extremely elegant, he attracted the attention of the whole company. A general murmur prevailed in the room, to know what he was? Lady W instantly made answer, loud enough to be heard, "Oh, don't you know him? It is young Bible, bound in calf and gilt, but not letter'd !" Old acquaintance forgot. R. Palmer meeting Lady Derby some time since, and having acted with her for many years in theatres, barns, 1 and stables, he thought it no vast presumption to ask her Ladyship how she did. The Countess, raising her eye-glass looked doubtful a few moments, and at last lisped out," Mr. Palmer, if I mistake not." "I am sorry to find you have lost your eyes by star-gazing,” said Bob, contemptuously, and walked on. Quin and the coxcomb. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, in an elegant negligee dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. "Waiter!" said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, "waiter! fetch me a dish of coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr !" Quin, in a voice of thunder, immediately vociferated, “Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as h-ll, and strong as d-m-n!" The beau, starting, exclaimed, "Waiter, what is that gentleman's name ?" Quin, in his usual tremendous tone, exclaimed, “Waiter, pray what is that lady's name? Sons or Daughters. About the year thretty-sax, a company differed, “Whether it was better for a man to hae sons or doughters ?" They cou'd na 'gree, but disputed it pro and con. At last, ane of them said to Graham of Kinross, (wha had na yoked wi' them in the argument) "Laird, what's your opinion?" Quo' he, "I ha'e had three lads and three lasses; I watna whilk o' them I liked best sae lang as they suckit their mither; but de'il hae my share o' the callants whan they cam to suck their father." A tar in a Play-House. A tar having got into the pit of Drury-lane theatre, recognized one of his messmates aloft, amongst the gods; "Pray, Jack, what did it cost you to get into that d-n'd snug birth ?" On being informed that he gave only a shilling: "D-mme, this is fine business! I gave five shillings to get stowed into this here hold.” Donald at Paris. A Highlander having gone with his master into the church of Notre-Dame at Paris, to hear high mass, was very much delighted with the magneeficence of the edifice, the splendour of the clergyman's dresses, and the divine harmony of the music. On leaving the church, his master asked him how he liked the performance? "Oh, sir, 'twas wondrous fine," replied Donald, "God is served here like a gentleman; but in my country (with reverence be it spoken) he is treated little better than a scoondrel." The second month's the cheapest. An Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons: the fluteplayer informed him, that he generally charged two guineas for the first month, and one guinea for the second. "Then, by my soul," replied the Hibernian, "I'll come the second month!" Sowing Hemp. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an insolent air, "Well, honest fellow, (said he) 'tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour." To which the countryman replied, ""Tis very likely you may, for I am sowing hemp." The Retort courteous. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed them, one of them said, "There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw." She hearing, turned back, and observing him to be very ugly, answered, "I wish, Sir, I could, in return, say as much of you." "So you may, Madam, (says he) and lie as I did." |