better be abandoned for the present. She wishes me to inform you that I came home rather earlier than was expected. She is, besides, rather sleepy."

"Tell him," whispered Moth, savagely-" tell him she gave me the key. At all events-(confound her!)-that may cause a quarrel!" Smart hesitated. He was rather thoughtless, but a gentleman. "No, no, Moth. Perhaps

"Tell him, tell him," said Sting, aside, seeing that the only predicable result would be the fuller development of the joke. "He says he is not in fault, Sir John," said Captain Smart. "He intimates-excuse me-that her ladyship entrusted him with the key." And the young man instinctively dropped his voice as he concluded the

sentence.

"He says perfectly true, Smart," replied Sir John. "But that key, unfortunately, opens only the outer gate, which Sir Simon is perfectly welcome to enter. The key, I trust, is in order. Will you be kind enough to tell him this?"

"With pleasure, Sir John. Indeed," added the young officer, "he knows it already."

"I understand. In that case, good night."

"And the key?" added Smart.

"Oh, no matter. Leave it in the lock."

Sir John closed the conference, and the window.

"There!" roared Moth, flinging the key at the latter, "take the cursed thing!"

"Nonsense. You may want it again," said Sting.

"Come, let's be off," said Moth.

"I am glad the bet is not," observed Smart.

"These country ladies don't appreciate true merit," cried Sting, sending a parting shot after the retiring Moth, who vanished in the darkness. "Ha, ha!" said Smart. "The whole matter is, after all, no bad illustration of a very old and familiar saying."

"Odi l'altra parte, e credi poco," suggested Sting.

"Hem! I dare say," said Smart. "But I don't speak French! My proverb is of the most approved dialect of Cockaigne, 'Great cry and little wool.' ""

146

THE ANIMA "PEWTERS."

WE had walked down the river-side one day, to see the boats practising for the University Fours. On arriving at the railway bridge, we found that we had most unaccountably made a mistake of an hour and a half in the time, and that instead of three P.M. it was only half-past

one.

As we sauntered down the Long Reach, deliberating upon our future proceedings, an unusual noise startled our ears. "Pull right!" a cad's voice shouted, following up shortly with the commands, "Easy all, bow side! Pull a stroke, Two! Now, sir, pull left!" In utter astonishment we turned round, and beheld a boat to all appearance steering right into the near bank, while an obliging individual on that bank was shouting "Pull right!" Apparently in connexion with this command, the water at the stern of the boat was suddenly put into violent agitation by the motion of the rudder, and the boat made a faltering shot at the opposite bank; however, before it could get there the suicidal intentions of its coxswain were frustrated by the vociferous enigma on the towing-path, who cried again, "Pull left! pull left!" Again the water was disturbed as before, and the same results occurred, mutatis mutandis.

As we had never before seen a four-oared boat tacking in this peculiar way down the Long Reach, we went to meet it, with a view to learning the causes of the phenomenon. A near approach showed us that the uniform of the men was that appropriated by the boat club of the College of S. Anima Mundi, and as we perceived looming in the distance two or three other boats similarly clothed, we came to the conclusion that the Anima Pewters were about to come off-a conclusion which subsequent events showed to be correct. Of course every one knows that "Pewters" means "Scratch Fours." If that be ignotum per ignotius to any reader, we would explain that Scratch Fours implies the fact that a number of men have put their names in a hat, previously paying five or six shillings each,* and drawn out four at a time, hap-hazard. Each four men thus

determined form the pulling part of the crew of a four-oar. Again, the names of as many coxswains as there are tetrads of oarsmen having been deposited in a hat, one is drawn for every four men previously so treated, and thus a number of Scratch Fours are completed. It only remains to mention that the crews thus formed by lot are on no account allowed to practise even once before the races; a regulation which results, as may be imagined, in a sufficient number of amusing accidents. Now it happened that there were sixteen Anima men who would pull, and only two who had the smallest pretensions to steering, so there were only coxswains for half the boats. Under these circumstances two men had been pressed into the service, and were allowed to have each a cad on the bank to tell him which string to pull, and to give those general directions to the men which the various emergencies of the navigation of the Cam require.

*These subscriptions are appropriated by the winning boat, and provide each member of its crew with a pewter or silver tankard, whence the name "Pewters" is given to the races.

Unfortunately, however, these pressed men had an idea, which no amount of persuasion, to say nothing of stronger language, could drive out of their heads, that when told to "pull right," they must pull the string as hard as they could, to prove to the crews that they were active in promoting their interests; one consequence of which infatuation was the tacking appearance described.

No one who has seen the Cam needs to be told that the boats in a race, however many or however few, are perforce started at equal distances behind each other, the object of each being to run into the one before it, when what is technically called a "bump" is the result, and the assaulted boat draws to the bank, with its victorious assailant, to make way for the boats behind. On great occasions the towing-path is crowded to excess by vast numbers of men running with the boats, but for these small college races there was almost no one; the phrase running with the boats" would have to undergo some change if we meant to speak in correct vernacular of the pace at which we proceeded down the riverside. Of the various intricacies connected with starting guns we need not speak.

The boat with which our first acquaintance was formed started second, and, as the one behind it was bumped at once, our erratic friend had nothing to fear and all to hope. By dint of the most strenuous exertions on the part of the running (merely technical that word "running") coxswain, it got round Ditton Corner, though there is a certain amount of impropriety in the use of the word "round," the manœuvre being conducted somewhat as follows: At the commencement of the bend the boat happened to be lying straight up and down the reach; the wily coxswain No. 2 (for so we would designate the stipendiary individual in the rough jersey), allowing them to proceed on this tack a little further, suddenly called out, "Easy all! hold her up!" All the crew knew what " easy all" meant, and two of them understood "hold her up," but as they were both on the bow side, and both obeyed with the utmost vigour, it was a question for a moment or two whether they would upset or not; those who could not construe the command did simply nothing, except coxswain No. 1, who, seeing that two of his men were nonplused like himself, called out to his men on the bank, "What does 'hold her up' mean?" Not deigning an answer to this question, No. 2 proceeds, "Pull a stroke, Two!" Two happens to be one of those who don't quite understand "hold her up," so he has been holding himself in readiness for anything that may turn up, and with dangerous alacrity obeys the order. By this means the boat's head is turned well for the Plough Reach, and "Paddle on all !" and then "Lay out all!" take her along in the right direction.

But, alas! this manoeuvre, though apparently carried out with the greatest success, is productive of the most lamentable results. It has unsettled the men and thrown them thoroughly out of time, especially in the bows; this No. 2 tries to remedy by repeated cries of "Time! time!" but without effect; so coxswain No. 1 thinks that if he can appeal more directly and particularly to the individuals who are in error, his efforts may meet with success. He knows that it is not the thing to call men by their names in a boat, and at first he is puzzled to find out a way of expressing to the men in the bows that they are especially the persons

whose time is complained of. At length analytical geometry comes to his aid. He takes stroke as the origin of co-ordinates, and assumes that he himself is on the positive side of that origin. The result of these calculations he announces in a triumphant yell, "TIME BEHIND !"

And now his excitement becomes immense, declaring itself in increasing cries of "Time behind, gentlemen! time behind! Pull right! pull left!" for he has become knowing enough to perceive that if the men on one side the boat pull stronger than those on the other the direc tion of the boat will be affected, and therefore he carefully communicates to the crew the orders of his friend No. 2 on the bank, "Pull right! pull left!" which of course only refer to his own hands in connexion with the rudder-strings.

At the Plough we cannot help thinking of the different spectacle presented there in the University races-that surging sea of hats and caps, and jerseys and coats, not to mention less masculine habiliments, the whole demanding in most imperative language the inspection of a proctor. It is supposed that some mysterious affinity exists between the Plough and the Oxford for pluck, for race after race are seen the same faces there, with a constancy only equalled by their owners' consistent abhorrence of appearing in any of the various little-go or poll-lists.

And now the shores of "Grassy" present themselves; that smooth lawn on which assembles during the May races all the little that Cambridge can boast of beauty and elegance; that long and yet sudden bend on whose gladiatorial arena that most indefatigable terrier, public opinion, may be matched to worry any number of coxswains' reputations in any race you like. No longer, alas! are those green slopes clothed with all that is fair; no longer are those chaste matrons there on whom Horace cast a prophetic eye in his exquisite description of Hypermnestra,

Una de multis, face nuptiali
Splendide mendax ;*

no longer are those male equestrians there, whose attempts to jump the grips cause so much ridicule where they would fain captivate. Alas! the only inhabitants now are an old cow and a young donkey.

Of course every one knows what a foolometer is. Exceptions may read Mr. Newland's lectures on Tractarianism. We ourselves keep a cut-up-ometer, in the shape of a man who spares neither friend nor foe, the first less than the second, when there is a chance of saying anything severe or sarcastic; indeed, we have heard him say some remarkably witty things about a slight slew in his fiancée's nose. To him, then, we showed this narrative, as far as the word "donkey." "Why, my dear fellow," said he, "you needn't put in that alas, for, after all, the difference is infinitesimal between- "But we stopped him, for the assertion that there is the slightest resemblance between young donkeys and the men we see at Grassy is of course an absurd slander. We need only take up the calendar and turn to the lists of wranglers and first-class men, and we can predicate with unerring certainty as to any individual in them being or having been an attendant at that verdant paradise; while for the

6

*The licence of modern biblical criticism makes the omission of a line a mere joke.

man who detects a resemblance to the antique vaccine quadruped aforesaid, in the fair visitors also aforesaid, it will be sufficient to go to the University concert, and wait till the interval when the ladies turn round to be looked at. If that doesn't cure him, nothing will.

Over this favoured meadow, "Time behind," i.e. coxswain No. 1, shows an inclination to take his crew. Of course, if practicable, such a plan would be an admirable one, as a large corner would thereby be cut off; but coxswain No. 2 seems to entertain very serious doubts as to its wisdom on the present occasion. At any rate, he yells louder than ever, "Pull left! pull left!" accompanying the admonitions with a most open, not to say violent, expression of his opinion as to the journey his principal's brains may or may not have taken, at the same time consigning various portions of his own body to all sorts of disagreeable places.

Left, accordingly, "Time behind" pulls with his accustomed vigour. As he does so, his attention is caught by a smooth green lane, branching off from the towing-path, just in the direction his boat's nose points. In a moment his determination is made; he will go overland to the Post Reach! With Spartan firmness he nerves himself to the task, despite the frantic yells of No. 2, who is standing at the end of the lane; the only notice he now takes of that deposed functionary being an abrupt order to get out of the way. His heroic resolve is strengthened by a little accident which he observes to have happened to the other boat; "Two" has caught a somewhat vicious crab, and lost his oar, at the same time contriving to knock stroke's oar, out of the boat. So now they lie like a log on the water, and No. 1 is confident he can get there before them.

His ideas on the subject of bumping are very shady, for he tries all he knows to get ashore without running foul of them. To his intense disgust he cannot keep his boat off, and a bump is the result. His crew in

astonishment look round; they cannot believe they have made their bump. What with the looking round, what with the demonstrative astonishment, and what with the laughter suppressed during the race and now breaking forth like dammed-up water, the boat begins to rock in a most alarming manner, and, despite the entreaties of poor No. 1, that gentleman will oscillate in the same vertical plane, upsets, cutting short that skilful coxswain's definition of the particular plane he desires them to restrict themselves to.

"Time behind" cannot swim a stroke, but he throws his arms over the boat near the stern, and holding on as it seems by his chin, allows his feet to rise to the top on the other side, where they project slightly from the surface, as they always will in such circumstances, presenting a sufficiently curious appearance. The remainder of the crew have got ashore, by the simple process of wading through the mud, the depth of which, with the water above it, does not exceed four feet. On this fact being communicated to "Time behind," accompanied by the recommendation of a like manœuvre in his own case, he utters in a comparatively firm and determined gasp the words, "No! I'll perish here!" Whether he thinks to emulate the bravery of those devoted men who go to the bottom with their ships rather than leave them while any yet remain to be saved, or whether he expects to float down the river and die of starvation, preferring that death to drowning, certain it is that he says, "I'll perish here!" His deputy, the cad on the bank, cannot have quite caught his words, for