only thus inquisitive after my health, but | wish it in a more solemn manner, with a full glass in their hands, every time I sit with them at table, though at the same time they would persuade me to drink their liquors in such quantities as I have found by experience will make me sick. They often pretend to pray for thy health also in the same manner; but I have more reason to expect it from the goodness of thy constitution than the sincerity of their wishes. May thy slave escape in safety from this double-tongued race of men, and live to lay himself once more at thy feet in the royal city of Bantam !' No. 558.] Wednesday, June 23, 1714. Qui fit, Mæcenas, ut nemo, quam sibi sortem Whence is't, Mæcenas, that so few approve of any other person would be, in case we would change conditions with him. As I was ruminating upon these two remarks, and seated in my elbow chair, I insensibly fell asleep; when on a sudden, methought, there was a proclamation made by Jupiter, that every mortal should bring in his griefs and calamities, and throw them together in a heap. There was a large plain appointed for this purpose. I took my stand in the centre of it, and saw with a great deal of pleasure the whole human species marching one after another, and throwing down their several loads, which immediately grew up into a prodigious mountain, that seemed to rise above the clouds. There was a certain lady of a thin airy shape, who was very active in this solemnity. She carried a magnifying glass in one of her hands, and was clothed in a loose flowing robe, embroidered with several figures of fiends and spectres, that discovered themselves in a thousand chimerical shapes, as her garment hovered in the wind. There was something wild and distracted in her looks. Her name was Fancy. She led up every mortal to the appointed place, after having very officiously assisted him in making up his pack, and laying it upon his shoulders. My heart melted within me to see my fellow-creatures groaning under their respective burdens, and to consider that prodigious bulk of human calamities which lay before me. There were however several persons who gave me great diversion upon this occasion. observed one bringing in a fardel very carefully concealed under an old embroidered cloak, which, upon his throwing it into the heap, I discovered to be Poverty. Another, after a great deal of puffing, threw down his luggage, which, upon examining, I found to be his wife. There were multitudes of lovers saddled And fore'd to town, cries they are happiest there : With thousands more of this inconstant race, with very whimsical burdens composed of Would tire e'en Fabius to relate each case. darts and flames; but, what was very odd, Not to detain you longer, pray attend The issue of all this: Should Jove descend, though they sighed as if their hearts would And grant to every man his rash demand, break under these bundles of calamities, To run his lengths with a neglectful hand; they could not persuade themselves to cast First, grant the harass'd warrior a release; them into the heap, when they came up to Bid him to trade, and try the faithless seas, To purchase treasure and declining ease; to it; but, after a few faint efforts, shook Next call the pleader from his learned strife, their heads, and marched away as heavy To the calm blessings of a country life; loaden as they came. I saw multitudes of And, with these separate demands dismiss Each suppliant to enjoy the promis'd bliss: old women throw down their wrinkles, Don't you believe they'd run? Not one will move, and several young ones who stripped themThough proffer'd to be happy from above.-Horneck. selves of a tawny skin. There were very IT is a celebrated thought of Socrates, great heaps of red noses, large lips, and that if all the misfortunes of mankind were rusty teeth. The truth of it is, I was surcast into a public stock, in order to be prised to see the greatest part of the equally distributed among the whole spe- mountain made up of bodily deformities. cies, those who now think themselves the Observing one advancing towards the heap most unhappy, would prefer the share they with a larger cargo than ordinary upon his are already possessed of before that which back, I found upon his near approach that could fall to them by such a division. Ho-it was only a natural hump, which he disrace has carried this thought a great deal posed of, with great joy of heart, among farther in the motto of my paper, which this collection of human miseries. There implies, that the hardships or misfortunes were likewise distempers of all sorts; we lie under are more easy to us than those though I could not but observe, that there were many more imaginary than real. One little packet I could not but take notice of, which was a complication of all the diseases incident to human nature, and was in the hand of a great many fine people: this was called the spleen. But what most of all surprised me, was a remark I made, that there was not a single vice or folly thrown into the whole heap; at which I was very much astonished, having concluded within myself, that every one would take this opportunity of getting rid of his passions, prejudices, and frailties. and wondered how the owners of them ever came to look upon them as burdens and grievances. As we were regarding very attentive's this confusion of miseries, this chaos of calamity, Jupiter issued out a second proclamation, that every one was now at liberty to exchange his affliction, and to return to his habitation with any such other bundle as should be delivered to him. Upon this, Fancy began again to bestir herself, and, parcelling out the whole heap with incredible activity, recommended to I took notice in particular of a very pro- every one his particular packet. The hurry fligate fellow, who I did not question came and confusion at this time was not to be exloaded with his crimes: but upon searching pressed. Some observations which I made into his bundle I found, that instead of upon this occasion, I shall communicate to throwing his guilt from him, he had only the public. A venerable gray-headed man laid down his memory. He was followed who had laid down the colick, and who I by another worthless rogue, who flung found wanted an heir to his estate, snatchaway his modesty instead of his ignorance.ed up an undutiful son that had been When the whole race of mankind had thrown into the heap by his angry father. thus cast their burdens, the phantom which The graceless youth, in less than a quarter had been so busy on this occasion, seeing me an idle Spectator of what had passed, approached towards me. I grew uneasy at her presence, when of a sudden she held her magnifying glass full before my eyes. I no sooner saw my face in it, but was startled at the shortness of it, which now appeared to me in its utmost aggravation. The immoderate breadth of the features made me very much out of humour with my own countenance, upon which I threw it from me like a mask. It happened very luckily that one who stood by me had just before thrown down his visage, which it seems was too long for him. It was indeed extended to a most shameful length; I believe the very chin was, modestly speaking, ⚫as long as my whole face. We had both of us an opportunity of mending ourselves; and all the contributions being now brought in, every man was at liberty to exchange his misfortunes for those of another person. But as there arose many new incidents in the sequel of my vision, I shall reserve them for the subject of my next paper. No. 559.] Friday, June 25, 1714. Quid cause est, merito quin illis Jupiter ambas Horneck. In my last paper, I gave my reader a sight of that mountain of miseries which was made up of those several calamities that afflict the minds of men. I saw with unspeakable pleasure the whole species thus delivered from its sorrows; though at the same time, as we stood round the heap, and surveyed the several materials of which it was composed, there was scarcely a mortal in this vast multitude, who did not discover what he thought pleasures of life, of an hour, pulled the old gentleman by the beard, and had like to have knocked his brains out; so that meeting the true father, who came towards him with a fit of the gripes, he begged him to take his son again, and give him back his colick; but they were incapable either of them to recede from the choice they had made. A poor galley-slave, who had thrown down his chains, took up the gout in their stead, but made such wry faces, that one might easily perceive he was no great gainer by the bargain. It was pleasant enough to see the several exchanges that were made, for sickness against poverty, hunger against want of appetite, and care against pain. The female world were very busy among themselves in bartering for features: one was trucking a lock of gray hairs for a carbuncle, another was making ever a short waist for a pair of round shoulders, and a third cheapening a bad face for a lost reputation: but on all these occasions there was not one of them who did not think the new blemish, as soon as she had got it into her possession, much more disagreeable than the old one. I made the same observ ation on every other misfortune or calanty which every one in the assembly brought upon himself in lieu of what he had parted with: whether it be that all the evils which befal us, are in some measure suited and proportioned to our strength, or that every evil becomes more supportable by our be ing accustomed to it, I shall not determine. I could not from my heart forbear pitying the poor hump-backed gentleman mention ed in the former paper, who went off a very well shaped person with a stone in his bladder; nor the fine gentleman who had struck up this bargain with him, that limp ed through a whole assembly of ladies, ho used to admire him, with a pair of shoulders peeping over his head. I must not omit my own particular adventure. My friend with a long visage had judgment of his neighbour's sufferings; for which reason also I have determined never to think too lightly of another's complaints, but to regard the sorrows of my fellowcreatures with sentiments of humanity and compassion. O. Verba intermissa retentat. Ovid, Met. Lib. i. 746. He tries his tongue, his silence softly breaks. Dryden. no sooner taken upon him my short face, The heap was at last distributed among the two sexes, who made a most piteous sight, as they wandered up and down under the pressure of their several burdens. The whole plain was filled with murmurs and complaints, groans and lamentations. Jupiter at length taking compassion on the poor mortals, ordered them a second time to lay down their loads, with a design to give every one his own again. They discharged themselves with a great deal of pleasure: after which, the phantom who had led them into such gross delusion was commanded to disappear. There was sent in her stead a goddess of a quite different figure; her motions were steady and composed, and her aspect serious but cheerful. She every now and then cast her eyes towards heaven, and fixed them upon Jupiter: her name was Patience. She had no sooner placed herself by the Mount of Sorrows, but, what I thought very remarkable, the whole heap sunk to such a degree, that it did not appear a third part so big as it was before. She afterwards returned every man his own proper calamity, and teaching him how to bear it in the most commodious manner, he marched off with it contentedly, being very well pleased that he had not been left to his own choice as to the kind of evil which fell to his lot. Besides the several pieces of morality to be drawn out of this vision, I learnt from it never to repine at my own misfortunes, or to envy the happiness of another, since it is impossible for any man to form a right EVERY one has heard of the famous conjuror, who, according to the opinion of the vulgar, has studied himself dumb: for which reason, as it is believed, he delivers out his oracles in writing. Be that as it will, the blind Tiresias was not more famous in Greece than this dumb artist has been for some years last past in the cities of London and Westminster. Thus much for the profound gentleman who honours me with the following epistle. 'From my cell, June 24, 1714. 'SIR,-Being informed that you have lately got the use of your tongue, I have some thoughts of following your example, that I may be a fortune-teller, properly speaking. I am grown weary of my taciturnity, and having served my country many years under the title of "the dumb doctor," I shall now prophesy by word of mouth, and (as Mr. Lee says of the magpie, who you know was a great fortune-teller among the ancients) chatter futurity. I have hitherto chosen to receive questions and return answers in writing, that I might avoid the tediousness and trouble of debates, my querists being generally of a humour to think that they have never predictions enough for their money. In short, sir, my case has been something like that of those discreet animals the monkeys, who, as the Indians tell us, can speak if they would, but purposely avoid it that they may not be made to work. I have hitherto gained a livelihood by holding my tongue, but shall now open my mouth in order to fill it. If I appear a little word-bound in my first solutions and responses, I hope it will not be imputed to any want of foresight, but to the long disuse of speech. I doubt not by this invention to have all my former customers over again; for, if I have promised any of them lovers or husbands, riches or good luck, it is my design to confirm to them, viva voce, what I have already given them under my hand. If you will honour me with a visit, I will compliment you with the first opening of my mouth: and if you please, you may make an entertaining dialogue out of the conversation of two dumb men. Excuse this trouble, worthy sir, from one who has been a long time, your silent admirer, 'CORNELIUS AGRIPPA.' I have received the following letter, or rather billet-doux, from a pert young baggage, who congratulates with me upon the same occasion. June 23, 1714. DEAR MR. PRATE-APACE,-I am a member of a female society who call ourselves the Chit-chat club, and am ordered mind to pass for a Bantamite, or to make us all Quakers? I do assure thee, dear Spec, I am not polished out of my veracity when I subscribe myself, thy constant ad mirer, and humble servant, FRANK TOWNLY." -Paulatim abolere Sichtm Incipit, et vivo tentat prevertere amore Jampridem resides animos desactaque corda. Fig. Ex i by the whole sisterhood to congratulate No. 561.] Wednesday, June 30, 1714. you upon the use of your tongue. We have all of us a mighty mind to hear you talk; and if you will take your place among us for an evening, we have unanimously agreed to allow you one minute in ten, without interruption. I am, sir, your humble servant, S. T. P. S. You may find us at my lady Betty Clack's, who will leave orders with her porter, that if an elderly gentleman, with a short face, inquires for her, he shall be admitted, and no questions asked.' As this particular paper shall consist wholly of what I have received from my correspondents, I shall fill up the remaining part of it with other congratulatory letters of the same nature. 'Oxford, June 25, 1714. SIR,-We are here wonderfully pleased with the opening of your mouth, and very frequently open ours in approbation of your design; especially since we find you are resolved to preserve your taciturnity as to all party matters. We do not question but you are as great an orator as sir Hudibras, of whom the poet sweetly sings. -He could not ope His mouth, but out there flew a trope." If you will send us down the half dozen well-turned periods, that produced such dismal effects in your muscles, we will deposit them near an old manuscript of Tully's orations, among the archives of the university; for we all agree with you, that there is not a more remarkable acci dent recorded in history, since that which happened to the son of Croesus; nay, I believe you might have gone higher, and have added Balaam's ass. We are impatient to see more of your productions; and expect what words will next fall from you with as much attention as those who were set to watch the speaking head which friar Bacon formerly erected in this place. We are, worthy sir, your most humble B. R. T. D. &c.' servants, But he Works in the pliant bosom of the fair. care. The dead is to the living love resign'd. 'SIR,-I am a tall, broad-shouldered, impudent, black fellow, and as I thongs every way qualified for a rich widow: but after having tried my fortune for abore three years together, I have not been able to get one single relict in the mind. Mr first attacks were generally successful, but always broke off as soon as they came to the word settlement. Though I have not improved my fortune this way, I have my experience, and have learnt several secrets which may be of use to these unhappy gentlemen, who are commonly distinguished by the name of widow-hunters, and who do not know that this tribe of women are, generally speaking, as much upon the catch as themselves. I shall here communicate to you the mysteries of a certain female cabal of this order, who call themselves the Widow-club. This club consists of nine experienced dames, who take their places once a week round a large eval table. 1. Mrs. President is a person who has disposed of six husbands, and is now deter mined to take a seventh; being of opinion of a seventh husband as of a seventh son that there is as much virtue in the troch Her comrades are as follow: 2. Mrs. Snap, who has four jointeres, by four different bed-fellows, of four efferent shires. She is at present upon the point of marriage with a Middlesex man. and is said to have an ambition of extending her possessions through all the counties in England on this side the Trent. 3. Mrs. Medlar, who, after two husbands and a gallant, is now wedded to an old gentleman of sixty. Upon her making her report to the club after a week's cohabitation, she is still allowed to sit as a widow, and accordingly takes her place at the board. 4. The widow Quick, married within a fortnight after the death of her last bus band. Her weeds have served her thrice, and are still as good as new. Middle-Temple, June 24. HONEST SPEC,-I am very glad to hear that thou beginnest to prate; and find, by thy yesterday's vision, thou art so used to it, that thou canst not forbear talking in thy sleep. Let me only advise thee to speak like other men; for I am afraid thou wilt be very queer, if thou dost not intend to 5. Lady Catherine Swallow. She was use the phrases in fashion, as thou callest a widow at eighteen, and has since buried them in thy second paper. Hast thou aa second husband and two coachmen. 6. The lady Waddle. She was mar-picture, and set it round with her husband's ried in the fifteenth year of her age to Sir in miniature. Simon Waddle, knight, aged threescore and twelve, by whom she had twins nine months after his decease. In the fifty-fifth year of her age she was married to James Spindle, Esq. a youth of one-and-twenty, who did not outlive the honey-moon. 7. Deborah Conquest. The case of this lady is something particular. She is the relict of Sir Sampson Conquest, some time justice of the quorum. Sir Sampson was seven foot high, and two foot in breadth from the tip of one shoulder to the other. He had married three wives, who all of them died in child-bed. This terrified the whole sex, who none of them durst venture on Sir Sampson. At length Mrs. Deborah undertook him, and gave so good an account of him, that in three year's time she very fairly laid him out, and measured his length upon the ground. This exploit has gained her so great a reputation in the club, that they have added Sir Sampson's three victories to her's, and give her the merit of a fourth widowhood; and she takes her place accordingly. 8. The widow Wildfire, relict of Mr. John Wildfire, fox-hunter, who broke his neck over a six-bar gate. She took his death so much to heart, that it was thought it would have put an end to her life, had she not diverted her sorrows by receiving the addresses of a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who made love to her in the second month of her widowhood. The gentleman was discarded in a fortnight for the sake of a young templar, who had the possession of her for six weeks after, till he was beaten out by a broken officer, who likewise gave up his place to a gentleman at court. The courtier was as short-lived a favourite as his predecessors, but had the pleasure to see himself succeeded by a long series of lovers, who followed the widow Wildfire to the thirty-seventh year of her age, at which time there ensued a cessation of ten years, when John Felt, haberdasher, took it in his head to be in love with her, and it is thought will very suddenly carry her off. 9. The last is pretty Mrs. Runnet, who broke her first husband's heart before she was sixteen, at which time she was entered of the club, but soon after left it upon account of a second, whom she made so quick a despatch of, that she returned to her seat in less than a twelvemonth. This young matron is looked upon as the most rising member of the society, and will probably be in the president's chair before she dies. These ladies, upon their first institution, resolved to give the pictures of their deceased husbands to the club-room; but two of them bringing in their dead at full length, they covered all the walls. Upon which they came to a second resolution, that every matron should give her own VOL. II. 44 'As they have most of them the misfortune to be troubled with the colick, they have a noble cellar of cordials and strong waters. When they grow maudlin, they are very apt to commemorate their former partners with a tear. But ask them which of their husbands they condole, they are not able to tell you, and discover plainly that they do not weep so much for the loss of a husband as for the want of one. The principal rule by which the whole society are to govern themselves, is this, to cry up the pleasures of a single life upon all occasions, in order to deter the rest of their sex from marriage, and engross the whole male world to themselves. They are obliged, when any one makes love to a member of the society, to communicate his name, at which the whole assembly sit upon his reputation, person, fortune, and good humour, and if they find him qualified for a sister of the club, they lay their heads together how to make him sure. By this means they are acquainted with all the widow-hunters about town, who often afford them great diversion. There is an honest Irish gentleman, it seems, who knows nothing of this society, but at different times has made love to the whole club. Their conversation often turns upon their former husbands, and it is very diverting to hear them relate their several arts and stratagems with which they amused the jealous, pacified the choleric, or wheedled the good-natured man, till at last, to use the club phrase, "they sent him out of the house with his heels foremost. "The politics which are most cultivated by this society of she-Machiavels relate chiefly to these two points, how to treat a lover, and how to manage a husband. As for the first set of artifices, they are too numerous to come within the compass of your paper, and shall therefore be reserved for a second letter. 'The management of a husband is built upon the following doctrines, which are universally assented to by the whole club. Not to give him his head at first. Not to allow him too great freedoms and familiarities. Not to be treated by him like a raw girl, but as a woman that knows the world. Not to lessen any thing of her former figure. To celebrate the generosity, or any other virtue, of a deceased husband, which she would recommend to his successor. To turn away all his old friends and servants, that she may have the dear man to herself. To make him disinherit the undutiful children of any former wife. Never to be thoroughly convinced of his affection, until he has made over to her all his goods and chattels. After so long a letter, I am, without more ceremony, your humble servant, &c.' |