thought, when I was here at ony rate, I might just as weel tak your advice, sir, anent my trouble.

Doctor. And pray what may your trouble be, my good sir?

P.-'Deed, doctor, I'm no very sure; but I'm thinking it's a kind of weakness that makes me dizzy at times, and a kind of pinkling about my stomach-just no right.

Dr.-You're from the west country, I should suppose, sir?

P.-Yes, sir, from Glasgow.

Dr.Ay. Pray, sir, are you a gourmand-a glutton?

P.-God forbid, sir! I'm one of the plainest men living in all the west country.

Dr.-Then, perhaps, you're a drunkard?

P.-No, doctor; thank God, no one can accuse me of that: I'm of the Dissenting persuasion, doctor, and an elder; so ye may suppose I'm nae drunkard.

Dr.-(Aside-I'll suppose no such thing, till you tell me your mode of life.) I'm so much puzzled with your symptoms, sir, that I should wish to hear in detail what you eat and drink. When do you breakfast, and what do you take to it?

P.-I breakfast at nine o'clock. I tak a cup of coffee, and one or two cups of tea; a couple of eggs, and a bit of ham or kipper'd salmon, or may be both, if they're good, and two or three rolls and butter.

Dr.-Do you eat no honey, or jelly, or jam, to breakfast?

P.-O yes, sir; but I don't count that as any thing.

Dr.-Come, this is a very moderate breakfast. What kind of dinner do you make?

P.-Oh, sir, I eat a very plain dinner indeed. Some soup, and some fish, and a little plain roast or boiled; for I dinna care for made dishes: I think, some way, they never satisfy the appetite.

Dr.-You take a little pudding, then, and afterwards some cheese?

P.-Oh yes; though I don't care much about them.

Dr.-You take a glass of ale or porter with your cheese? .

P.-Yes, one or the other, but seldom both. Dr.-You west country people generally take a glass of Highland whiskey after dinner? P.-Yes, we do; it's good for digestion.

Dr. Do you take any wine during dinner? P.-Yes, a glass or two of sherry; but I'm indifferent as to wine during dinner. I drink a good deal of beer.

Dr.-What quantity of port do you drink?

P.-Oh, very little; not above half a dozen glasses

or so.

Dr.-In the west country, it is impossible, I hear, to dine without punch?

P-Yes, sir; indeed 'tis punch we drink chiefly; but, for myself, unless I happen to have a friend with me, I never tak more than a couple of tumblers - or so,—and that's moderate.

Dr.-Oh, exceedingly moderate indeed! You then, after this slight repast, take some tea, and bread and butter?

P.-Yes, before I go to the counting-house to read the evening letters.

Dr.-And, on your return, you take supper, I suppose?

P.-No, sir, I canna be said to tak supper; just something before going to bed: a rizzer'd haddock,

or a bit of toasted cheese, or half a hundred of oysters, or the like o' that; and, may be, two-thirds of a bottle of ale; but I tak no regular supper.

Dr.-But you take a little more punch after that? P.-No, sir; punch does not agree with me at bed-time. I tak a tumbler of warm whiskey toddy at night; it's lighter to sleep on.

Dr. So it must be, no doubt. This, you say, is your every-day life; but, upon great occasions, you perhaps exceed a little ?

P.-No, sir, except when a friend or two dine with me, or I dine out, which, as I am a sober family man, does not often happen.

Dr.-Not above twice a-week?

P.-No; not oftener.

Dr. Of course you sleep well, and have a good appetite?

P.-Yes, sir, thank God, I have; indeed, any wee harl o' health that I hae is about meal-time.

Dr. (Assuming a severe look, knitting his brows, and lowering his eyebrows.) Now, sir, you are a very pretty fellow, indeed; you come here and tell me that you are a moderate man, and I might have believed you, did I not know the nature of the people in your part of the country; but, upon examination, I find, by your own showing, that you are a most voracious glutton; you breakfast in the morning in a style that would serve a moderate man for dinner; and, from five o'clock in the afternoon, you undergo one almost uninterrupted loading of your stomach till you go to bed. This is your moderation! you told me, too, another falsehood-you said you were a sober man; yet, by your own showing, you are a beer-swiller, a dram-drinker, a wine-bibber, and a guzzler of Glasgow punch; a liquor, the name of which is associated, in my mind, only with

the ideas of low company and beastly intoxication. You tell me you eat indigestible suppers, and swill toddy to force sleep-I see that you chew tobacco. Now, sir, what human stomach can stand this? Go home, sir, and leave off your present course of riotous living-take some dry toast and tea to your breakfast-some plain meat and soup for your dinner, without adding to it any thing to spur on your flagging appetite; you may take a cup of tea in the evening, but never let me hear of haddocks and toasted cheese, and oysters, with their accompaniments of ale and toddy at night; give up chewing that vile, narcotic, nauseous abomination, and there are some hopes that your stomach may recover its tone, and you be in good health like your neighbours.

P.-I'm sure, doctor, I'm very much obliged to you (taking out a bunch of bank-notes)-I shall endeavour to

Dr. Sir, you are not obliged to me- -put up your money, sir. Do you think I'll take a fee from you for telling you what you knew as well as myself? Though you are no physician, sir, you are not altogether a fool. You have read your Bible, and must know that drunkenness and gluttony are both ⚫ sinful and dangerous; and, whatever you may think, you have this day confessed to me that you are a notorious glutton and drunkard. Go home, sir, and reform, or, take my word for it, your life is not worth half a year's purchase.

[Exit patient, dumbfounded and looking blue.

Dr.-(Solus.) Sober and temperate! Dr. Watt tried to live in Glasgow, and make his patients live moderately, and purged and bled them when they were sick; but it would not do. Let the Glasgow

doctors prescribe beef-steaks and rum punch, and their fortune is made.

George Schaffer and the Salamander Hat.

Whilst Schaffer was at a tavern in Epping, N. H., he noticed a raw-looking would-be-dandy sort of a fellow, strutting about, with all the consequence allowable to persons who wear new hats and fine clothes; and thinking this to be a fine opportunity for enjoying a little sport at the bumpkin's expense, he accordingly addressed himself in a very respectful manner to the fellow in the following words :"A beautiful hat that of yours, sir: pray, young gentleman, if I may be so bold, what did you give for that?"" Eight dollars," said the fellow, with an air of consequence. "But eight dollars? Indeed, sir! Why I pretend to know something about hats, being a hatter myself, and I consider that hat to be as much worth twenty dollars, as the one I wear myself, which I gave twenty-five for, by the gross. Why, sir, they are very scarce-very few of the salamander hats imported now-a-days." "What are they?-salamander hats ?" said the fellow. "To be sure," said Schaffer, "did you never hear of the salamander hats, which are made of a substance called asbestos, which resists the action of heat?— so that if you should leave one in the fire an hour, it wouldn't burn." What," said the fellow, "won't my hat burn, if I should go to stick it into that are grate?" "Burn" bellowed Schaffer, staring in his peculiar manner, "to be sure the salamander hat never burn!" "What will you bet, now, that my hat won't burn ?" said the fellow, taking off his hat and examining it. "Bet?" said Schaffer, "I never bet! yet, as I am positive in this case, I shall bet a

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