Marshal-Well, that is one male. How many females are there in this family? Old Lady-Females! Let me see :-there ain't none but Biddy, the hired gal. Marshal-I understood you to say that your children were all girls. Old Lady-La! yes! Wall d'ye count them? Marshal-Certainly I do: I count all who make it their home in your family-old and young -men, women and chil ren. Old Lady-Sakes alive! Then you want to take down the old gentleman, I 'spose, don't you? Marshal-What old gentleman ? Old Lady-Why, my old man, to be sure. Marshal-To be sure I do. I thought you said 'John' was the only male in the family. Old Lady-So I did; but I didn't suppose 'males' meant decripit old men, like my husband. Poor dear! He's been all but dead with the numb palsy these six years next hoeing. Marshal-Now for the females. Old Lady-Wall, there's Biddy, and Prudence, and Grace, and Jemima; that's all-four of them. women too? . Marshal-But you havn't included yourself? Old Lady-Gracious! D'ye put down the old 'Peers to me the State's mighty curious 'bout these things, this year. Marshal-How many neat cattle are owned by this family? Old Woman-All we own is a couple of hogs, and they ain't the neat-est critters that ever was. -Albany Citizen. A CONSIDERATE HUSBAND.- Well, Macbride," said Lord Hill to an officer whom he had just promoted from a sergeantcy, "how do you feel in your new character? You're a gentleman now, you know." "Thank you, my lord," replied the married captain, " for myself I feels perfectly comfortable, but I trembles for Mrs. Macbride." AND RECHABITE RECORDER. Organ of the Independent Order of Rechabites, and devoted to the Cause of Temperance in general. VOL. IV. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1845, WHICH IS THE BRIDE, JR, A SUMMER AT THE SPRINGS. A worshipper in fashion's train, I sojourned at Saratoga Springs. It was not a place I felt happy or contented in, for divers reasons, the most potent of which was that there Emma Somerton was not; and though I had often sighed to her that she was all the world to me, still all "the world" of fashion were phylohydrocal, (coinage of words is no felony,) then how could I be away? I had remained about two weeks, and the garden of my digestive powers had been well watered at the Congress Fountain-the seeds of renovated health began to sprout out in full bloom, so I felt much inclined to transplant myself to some other hotbed of fashion. While dubitating which way to direct the head of my tandem leader, circumstances which I am about to relate, occasioned my detention.. No. XXVI. charming Miss W. to my apartment?" Show her up, Simon." Off he went-I mechanically drew my fingers through my hair, cast a furtive glance at the mirror, and satisfied that all was right, and that I looked sufficiently killing, awaited the approach of my fair visitor. "My dear Miss Wheatley, the condescension-" "Oh, Mr. Jenkinson, I shall expire!" "Be seated, pray." "How rude in me! what will the world say?" "How can I serve the amiable friend of Miss Somerton ?" Such were our first expressions at meeting. The young lady was evidently much embarrassed, and after various prefatory attempts at introducing business, at length commenced. "Mr. Jenkinson, every body knows your kindness your attention to our sex-your-" "Oh why," thought I, "has nature made me so irresistible! Poor Miss Wheatley-she's gone, I see." "And it is that knowledge which has induced me to apply to you under very peculiar circum I was seated waiting the return of my servant, whom I had sent to the post office to see if Emma had thought of answering my last, when I found myself soliloquizing in something like the follow-stances." ing strain: This is probably the last season of my bacheorship-next summer the gordian knot will be tied, and I enrolled a Benedict! Oh, Emma Somerton, what do I sacrifice for your love! No more the look oblique, the leer amatory, or the sigh indescribable, will be lavished on me-farewell the crowded ball-room, the spirit-stirring' cotillion, the heart-piercing waltz,' and all the pride, pomp and circumstance of glorious' bacheTorship, 'farewell! Othello's occupation's gone!" I was interrupted by the entrance of my servant. "No letter, sir; but a young lady has sent up her card," said Simon, handing the embossed and rowquilled article to me. "Miss Susan Wheatley"-ah, what brings the "My services, Madam, are at your disposalcommand me." "Oh, sir! you are too good-would you believe it, sir, I have run away from pa. He would have me marry that odious English Mr. Basil, and so-so-I ran away, expecting to meet a youngdon't look at me so, sir, or I shall never be able to tell you to meet a young gentleman here, sirbut I find he has gone, and pa will be here this afternoon, as he traced me that abominable old Miss Frampton, I suppose, told him; now, sir, if you would only consent, in case he should find me before Charles comes, just to-to-" "What, Miss, marry you myself, and so prove your natural protector?" "Oh, la, sir, not for the world! I beg par on, sir, I don't mean that you are not a very nice young man, but I've promised poor Charles, you know!" "Yes, and I've promised Emma Somerton, you know, and that renders it impossible." "Certainly, but if you would only be my husband a little while." "Miss!" "I mean pretend-only in a joke, you know sir; why pa could not force me back to New York, and as soon as Charles comes, he can easily take the matter off your hands." "Charles is a lucky fellow, and I promise to be his faithful locum tenens in your emergency." 'Thank you, sir-oh, I declare-if there isn't a carriage drawn up, it's pa, it's pa-now, my dear sir, remember." Simon was summoned, and dispatched to request Mr. Wheatley's presence in my room. The old gentleman, as may be imagined, was struck with our intelligence, but my relationship with the Earl of Liverpool, and a tolerable fortune, soon made him reconciled to his pro tem. son-in-law. "Well, sir," said he, after all had been explained as Miss Wheatley had requested, "I am proud of your alliance. Sue, you baggage, why didn't you tell me of your preference; I should have made no objection. Son-in-law, have my carriage discharged, and then rejoin us." My father-in-law took my wife under his arm, and left my apartment. Rumination convinced me that I was handsomely fixed-but I always "Well, will you, then, my dear sir?" "Why, really, Miss Faulkener, I have no objection-that is-I have no-" "Oh, sir, you hesitate, and I am lost! but, sir, you know my father's clerk, Edward Gaines; him, you remem er, you were so jealous of two years ago, when you thought yourself in love with me. Well, sir, he promised to mee. me here yesterday, and we were to have eloped together and get married; he hasn't arrived, but my father has; and if we are torn asunder! Oh, consider my situation !" "How can I relieve you?" "Why, father doesn't know who I was going to run away with; I left a note on my table saying simply, with the man of my heart;' now, sir, couldn't you be he?" With the greatest pleasure imaginable; so let's boldly sally forth and meet the foe; stay, let me first unlock the door." "Oh, sir, how could you be so imprudent as to lock the door? What will the world say?" Poor little dear! she was not aware that the imprudence had been her own! As she opened the door, Mr. Faulkner was passing; he caught a glimpse of his daughter, and rushed into my apartment. "So, Miss, you're found, are you? and with the man of your heart, too!" "Pardon, papa." "Pardon you, Jazebel! never, never." "Oh, don't be so cruel, papa!" and my second made up my mind to brave adversity; so I deter-wife clung to me for protection. I now thought I mined to take matters as cavalierly as possible. had received my cue to speak; and turning to her, said: "Never fear; I will protect you, most delectable of your sex!" .6 Delectable of your sex be hanged!" was the father's echo. At this moment another equipage darted up to the door-I saw the steps opened by the obsequious servants, and my city friend, Mr. Faulkner, alight. I expected next to see him turn around and hand out his charming daughter Julia, who, by the way, was an old flame of mine; but a lit"Come, sir!" rejoined I, "no protection can tle to my surprise, the carriage door was closed; be more potent than your gray hairs and your pahe was solus. I turned from the window to go ternal relation to my most beautiful Julia; but if down and meet him, when, sans ceremonie, my door was opened, and Miss Julia Faulkner her- you forget yourself I shall be compelled, however reluctantly, to assert my prerogative as the lady's future champion." self stood before me. "Oh, my good friend!" she cried, breathless with affright and haste, "I am in such terror-in such an equivocal situation." "Actually so," thought I, for the young lady had turned the key in the lock! but whether through agitation, inadvertence, or what, I could not presume to say. "O, sir, do pity and relieve me !" "How, my dear Miss, speak your wishes, and whatever a friend of yours, and the betrothed of Miss Emma Somerton can in honor do, shall be willingly performed." "Prerogative! your prerogative! and, pray, what claim can you assert?" "Claim, sir-why that of her husband, sir!" "Husband! what, already married?" "Yes, sir, already married; by whom, sir, when and where, my lovely Julia can inform you." And if she couldn't, I'm sure it would have puzzled me to have done so. "Married-this is really sudden, and interferes materially with my arrangements; but as 'tis done, why I must make the best of what I trust is "Oh, sir, couldn't you act as my husband a lit- not a very bad bargain, and so, sir, there is my tle while?" "Why, I could try." hand-you are forgiven, and in taking my daugh ter, you, sir, have found as good a girl as the State of New York can produce. I suppose, sir, you can spare your bride for a few moments, and she will not begrudge a minute or two for the purpose of putting her father's room in order, and making it as comfortable as she used to do the back parlor in Broadway for me." A ready compliance, of course, was the consequence, and father and daughter left the apart ⚫ment. "Bigamy and polygamy !" thought I as they retired; "well, fortune has showered her favors on me pretty liberally this day; two wives! ha! ha! the denouement will be capital. I wonder on whom the laugh will rest." A prefatory rap, and Simon entered again, with great news- Oh, sir! sir! Colonel Somerton's barouche has just driven up, Miss Emma and her mother in company." Mean, why that that gentleman is my Susy's husband." "Pooh! nonsense, friend Wheatley-this is my Julia's husband." "Your Julia's! 'tis my Susy's." Your Susy's! 'tis my Julia's." Emma looked at me; a flash, such as we denominate heat lightning in a summer, visible, but noiseless, was gathering in her eye. I began to tremble for myself as I felt her arm withdraw from mine, although my vanity was gratified to think that I should be a bone of contention between two ladies, to be bone of my bone; but the young Ju“Who ? Emma Somerton ! death and the dev-lia and Susan cast imploring looks upon me; at il! here's a catastrophe: what will she say? No length I broke the pause of universal astonishmatter, though I'm worse off than Macbeth, for I'm tied to a double stake, and, bear-like, I must fight my course! Simon, let the family know I shall be pleased to give up my room to them, which is one of the best the house affords, and it is much crowded." My trusty valet soon acquitted himself of his mission, and Col. Somerton, lady, and my Emma, were receiving the bows of their most obsequious, humble servant. The conversation which ensued being irrelevant to my present story, I shall not attempt to delineate; suffice it to say, I was lounging along one of the fashionable promenades, with Emma under my arm, and had almost forgotten, in the rapture of the unexpected meeting, the two ladies who claimed my most tender sympathies. I was acting as Ganymede to my betrothed one, and handing her a goblet of the medicinal waters, when I was suddenly roused to action by the approach, from opposite paths of my two cara sposas, each under the protection of pa and papa! "Oh, Mr. Wheatley, I am rejoiced to see you," said Mr. Faulkener. "Nothing can equal my surprise and satisfaction," said Mr. Wheatley. "My, dear Julia, this is Miss Wheatley." con tinued Mr. F. "Susy, this is Miss Falkener," rejoined Mr. Wheatley. "Happy to make acquaintance," &c. This was of course followed by a mutual intimation that it was a mistake to use the term Miss. "Miss no longer," said Mr. F. ment. "Mr. Faulkener, my good friend, and Mr. Wheatley, my much esteemed good sir, promise me one thing, and I will relieve all your curiosity." "Promise! we will do anything to solve this mystery." "Well, then, each promise to grant my first request, be it what it may, and I will unfold." After some littte demur the promise was given, and I candidly related the facts as they had tran spired. we'll back to New York, and a boarding school "You hussy, Susy," roared Mr. Wheatley, shall teach you better maners." ber your promise to grant me my first request." Softly my dear sir," interrupted I, remem"Name it, sir." "First, then, Mr. Wheatley, your consent to the marriage of Miss Susan with her admirer, Charles; and secondly, Mr. Faulkener, your consent to the marriage of Miss Julia with Edward Gaines." The ladies's eyes brightened, the consent was given slow and reluctant-I was triumphant, and Emma slyly pressed my hand in hers. Not to prolong my story, that day fortnight, a clerical gentleman of Albany performed a triple marriage, and I leave it to the reader's sympathetic imagination to find out who were the parties. TRUE COURTESY.-" Manners," says the eloquent Edmund Burke, "are of more importance than laws. Upon them, in a great measure, the laws depend. The laws touch us here and there -now and then. Manners are what vex or Oh, you know, then, all about it, eh? I can't soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarsay I'm very sorry. Sorry-why I'm delighted." "Oh, you're too kind." "Well, don't you think him a fine fellow ?" ize or refine, by a constant, steady uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe They give their whole form and color to our in. THE LIFE OF THE FARMER. BY ABEL C. THOMAS. Oh, not the young son of the farmer am I, Before the first peep of the day he is up, For cattle from stall must be loosed; But then he can go to his bed if he likes, When the chickens are going to roost. No notes coming due in the banks Debar him from rational mirth; He whistles in chords with the notes of the birds, No shares in a company trouble his thoughts- He knows that his plough in the furrow is set O madly for stocks do your citizens seek, And horses, and oxen, and cows, he delights To see in his pasture or yard; And chickens, and turkies, and ducks, and the like, From field and from orchard, provision and fruit His raiment from wool and from flax is prepared, If some city nick-nack the women desire, And bring it to market, with dozens of eggs, But here I must stop-for I fear that my speech And so I repeat, that of all sorts of life, A DASH THROUGH THE ICE-BERGS.-It began to blow very hard, with a snow-storm circumscribing our view. The cold was severe, and every spray that touched the ship was immediately converted into ice. We found ourselves thickly beset with ice-bergs, and had many narrow escapes. The excitement became intense.It required a constant change of helm to avoid those close ahead, and we were compelled to press the ship with canvass in order to escape along their weather sides, and distinctly heard the roar of the surf dashing against them. We had, from time to time, glimpses of their obscure outline, appearing as though immediately above us. The gale was awful, and the sea so heavy that I was obliged to reduce sail. I felt that neither prudence nor foresight could avail in protecting ship and crew. All that could be done was to prepare for any emergency by keeping every one at his station. We were swiftly dashing on; for I felt it necessary to keep under rapid way through the water, to enable her to steer and work quickly, Suddenly many voices cried out "Ice ahead!" and then, (6 on the weather-bow!" and again, 66 on the leebow and abeam!" All hope of escape seemed in a moment to vanish; return we could not, as large ice-islands had just been passed to our leeward; and so we dashed on, expecting every moment the crash. The ship in an instant from having her lee-guns under water, rose upright, and so close were we passing to one of these huge islands that our trysails were almost thrown aback by the eddy wind. All was now still except the distant roar of the wild storm that was raging behind, before, and above us; the sea was in great agitation; and both officers and men were in the highest degree excited. The ship continued her way, and as she proceeded, a glimmer of hope arose, for we had accidentally hit upon a clear passage through two large ice-islands, which, in fine weather, we should dare to have ventured through. The suspense endured while making our way between them was intense, but of short duration-and my spirits rose as I heard the whistling of the gale grow louder before us, as we emerged from the passage. We had escaped an awful death, and were again tempest-tost.-Narrative of the U. S. Exploring Ex pedition. |