The Feast of Wit; or, Sportsman's Hall. The military manœuvres of the Dutch, in the laft campaign, may be collected from the fol lowing anecdotes:The death of an officer was lamented in a numerous company." It was his own fault, "obferved a brother officer; "his avarice was the caufe of his death-five pounds would have faved his life. wanted a horfe; I offered him one at 25-he bought another for 201. Had he not been fo fparing, my horfe would have enabled him to escape swiftly and effectually from the purfuit of the enemy. BON MOT. He An honeft Crifpin of the city of Chester, in converfation with a tradefman on the fubject of that bank, very gravely told the latter, that "the bufinefs in it was all done between Roger Edwards and him!"-The elucidation of which fimply was, that Roger, an honeft publican, lives on one fide of the bank, and Crifpin on the other; ergo, the bufinefs was done between them.This is not diffimilar to the Irish centinel, who, doing duty up to the treasury wall, faid he "fupported the treasury.". A feaman of the Southampton packet, hearing the paffengers below deck rather boisterously loud, hallooed down the companion"By G-d I won't fuffer this, for I have the King's mails on board." He was answered, "No! why then you must fling his females overboard. AMERICAN MILITARY TOAST. The militia of this ftate.-May the call of our country beat the reveille to every generous paffion of our bofom; and the tatto to those which are selfish. On our 335 march through life, may we never forfake the ftandard of freedom and republicanifm; and at the evening of our days, when Death fhall call his folemn roll, may an unabted love for our country appear firft on the mufter, and the fign for its happiness be the evening gun of our lives. The following curious handbill has been lately circulated about Edinburgh - "Thou shalt not fteal." "All perfons whom it may concern are defired to take notice, that feel traps of the largest fize, for catching breakers of the cighth commandment, are every night placed in the garden of St. Bernard, between Stockbridge and the Water of Leith, on the north fide of the faid water; that fpring guns are fet, to rake the walls with fhot, upon the touch of a wire; and that a tent, having in it an armed watchman, is pitched in the middle, with orders to fire without mercy. If, therefore, any evil-difpofed perfon or perfons, fhalt attempt to break into the grounds of St. Bernard, their blood be on their own heads. AMEN! "Of the fruit of the garden thou halt not eat for in the day that thou eateft thereof, thou shalt furely. die." GEN. xi. 17. To prove that the religious fanatics of the prefent age are as foolish, if not as malevolent as the political ones, a certain popular preacher, in the neighbourhood of Hull, expreffed himself to this effect in one of his late fermons. My friends, if you neglect the opportunities which you enjoy under my miniftry, there is no doubt but your damnation will be ten-fold at the great day of judgement the Al mighty will addrefs me in this 66 An odd circumftance occurred a few days ago, in the New Forreft:-As fome gentlemen were riding near Brokenhurst, they faw the hinder part of an afs hanging over the wall of a pound, and were for fome minutes loft in conjecture, as to the meaning and nature of the accident, until the other parts, fuch as the head and forelegs, made their appearance, when the paffive animal fell into the highway. Before it had fufficiently recovered to ftand upright, two failors crept over the wall, when the gentlemen made enquiry into the bufinefs, and were thus bluntly and humanely anfwered by the fons of the wave: "Why, looke, master, we faw this here animal'! aground without victuals d'ye fee, and fo my meffmate and I agreed to cut his cable, and give him his liberty, because we have known, before now, what it is to be at fhort allowance!" "It is hard to difpute against both Law and the Prophet. CURIOUS LAW CASE. A gentleman of the parish of Horningfhead, near Bury, was drawn for a militia-man. He went to Bury, and hired a subftitute. When the man, going to be attested, was asked how many children he had, he replied, "one at home with my wife, and three in the church-yard.” The magiftrate concluded that I the three were dead and buried, and accordingly fwore in the fubftitute, who immediately joined his regiment. It afterwards turned out that be had four children living, three of whom he fent into the church-yard to play whilst he was attefted. The queftion at iffue is, whether the above parish ought to pay the town of Bury for the maintenance of a wife and one child, or three children? THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED. A few days ago, the corpfe of a gentleman, as it was proceeding in a hearfe to the burial ground, was arrested by a sheriff's officer and his followers, under a warrant as ufual granted against the body. The friends who followed, immediately left their coaches, and told the officer, if he chofe, he was welcome to the body, but he fhould neither have coffin, hroud, nor any one particle in which the body was enveloped : and if he took them by force, he fhould be indicted for a highway robbery, as thofe matters were the property of the executors: nay, they went further, and faid, that as the deccafed had, by his will, bequeathed his body to the executors, no execution would hold good The Feast of Wit; or Sportfman's Hall. good against the corpfe, the procefs must be against them. The bailiff, very properly, being perfuaded that the fpirit of the law meant a living, and not a dead body, marched off, without infifting on the legality of his cap ture. 337 Deuteronomy, and firft verfe: "When thou goeft out to battle against thine enemies, and feet horses and chariots, and a people more than thou, be thou not afraid of them, for the Lord thy God is with thee."-Might not the words of Shakespeare's Venetian Merchant, Anthonio, in' his remark on the Jew's fcripte This is the first instance of the kind that has happened fince the arreft of the dead body of a Sheral quotation, for the juftification riff of London, not inany years fince. An action was lately commenced by a bailiff against an attorney, for a Libel upon the character of the former; but the matter was happily fettled by the interpofition of a thief taker, who acted as the common friend of both parties. of an furious contract, be well applied here?" The d-l can cite Scripture for this purpose!" LADIES PADS. Various are the mistakes that have arifen from the ufe of this term: but that of a countryman fome months ago was, perhaps, the most fatal in its confequences. He was going to London, and, amongst a number of friend Four gentlemen of the Shoulderly commiffions which he was delately fet off from the town of Bolton, in Lancashire, on a fecret expedition against a certain Boniface ta Bury. On their ar rival, the landlord (having a few hours before fettled the demand) produced a bill and receipt,which he prefented to their wondering eyes. The homeft quartetto, expreffing their aftonishment rather in a tone of disappointment, induced the hoft to offer them a tankard of beer, and a fhilling each, which, in a jocular train, he faid was given "in the King's name"--But, alas--the catchpoles were caught in their turn. For it turn'd out, that the Bury landlord had got a beating-order. So that, instead of being arrefted himself, he arrested the whole covey-at leaft till they paid Smart. The fermon preached at the confecration of the military colours in St. Ann's church, Manchester, was from the 20th chapter of fired to execute, was one from a female acquaintance, who lived with the Lady Bountiful of the village, and for whom honeft Hodge had a fneaking kindness. It was written on a fcrap of paper, and requested him to purchafe a LADY'S PAD, (of a MODERATE fize) in Tavistock-freet.". Hodge, never fufpecting that this fame pad was to be carried upon a lady's belly; but fappofing it was a nice little animal intended to carry a lady upon its back, (by the affiftance of a friend as unlearned in thefe matters as himfelf) found the way to Tatterfall's, where, to speak the truth of him, he bought a very handfome pony, of a moderate fize. Hodge returned into the country, riding upon his plough-horfe, and leading the pony, often congratulating himself on the choice he had made, which, he had the happine's to find, was hugely approved of by the oftlers and ftableboys at every stage." No more of friends (his late purfuit in life. requiring fuch exertions as are injurious to his health and conftitution) he quits the comic scene, wherein he has often rubbed away the ruft of care, to mount the appraifer's pulpit, where the hammer, of courfe, will fuperfede the brush, and the advertiser hopes, however aukwardly he may han of your lofty looks, Miftrefs Sufan,, (quoth Hodge, as he jogged along,) I think I may now fairly Jook for fmiles and approbation on a bargain which has ftood the reft of fo many judges."-Thus did Hodge ruminate till the moment in which he met the idol of his wishes. But no language can defcribe the furprize and difappointment which took poffeffiondle it at firft, that, like the reft of both the parties. My Lady's cabinet was drawn upon, to pre. vent lyfterics!-Hodge ftared as if bereft of his fenfes-But the moft tragical part of the ftory is yet to relate. The good Old Lady infifted upon knowing the meaning of this uproar; and the no fooner informed of the miflake, than the discharged Sufan for-indelicacy. was - Curious ADDRESS of J. COLLINS, on his taking up the Business of an AUCTIONEER. HE following addrefs which Tappeared in the Bath and feveral others of the country papers, in confequence of, the facetious JACK COLLINS Commencing the business of an auctioneer in that city, we think entitled to the notice of our readers, and therefore hall make no further apológy for its infertion at this time. JOHN COLLINS, author of the Evening brush, having, for feveral years paft, made the bufinefs of an auctioneer his peculiar ftudy, fo as to acquire a competent knowledge of the just and fpecific value of property under every denomination whatfoever, from a landed eftate to a lock of wool, from a mansion house to a hen coop, and from a coach and fix to a coral and bells; refpectfully announces to the public, that by the univerfal advice of his of the fraternity, he fhall foon find the way To hit the right nail upon the head with it. Therefore, if any perfon or per fons are poffeffed of more land than they wish to monopolize, more houfes than eligible te. nants, more books than the have leifure to read, more pictures than they have rooms to hang them in, more houshold furniture than they can poffibly find ufe for, or more ftock in trade than they have customers to take off their hands ;-He will en deavour to rid them of all fuch incumbrances by a few fair comments on their intrinfic worth, and a due defcant on their re fpective claims to the title of a good bargain; without violating his own veracity, or giving caufe to the purchafer to fay he has been impofed upon. In fhort, to fum up his profeffional views in a few words, whoever will do him the honour to become his employers, they fhall find that integrity, punctuality, and difpatch, particularly in all grand article of SETTING ALL ACCOUNTS without the LEAST DELAY, are the rules of conduct to which he will rigidly adhere, till the hammer of DEATH is uplifted to knock him down for a LOT OF HIS OWN, and his brother auctioneers fhall exclaim, with fympathifing forrow, Alas, Poor COLLINS! A GOING! A GOING! A GOING! CRICKET Cricket Matches. CRICKET MATCHES. *** It having been suggested to us that in confequence of the great Space the infertion of the CRICKET MATCHES at full length takes up, that the admittance of many Articles from our friendly Correfpondents are delayed a confiderable time; unwilling as we are, necefity compels us to contra& them. We have only to hope, that the manner in which it has been done, will not give offence to the admirers of that noble and manly exercise. Lately, a match of cricket was played on Walden Common, between the cricketers of Great Sampford and Finchingfield, and the cricketers of Saffron Walden, which was won by the latter, with ease, at one innings. Saffron Walden, first in-? Sampford and Finchingfield, first innings 38 Ditto Second ditto 36 ] 156 74 In favour of Saffron Walden 82 Sampford and Finchingfield, finding themselves fo completely beaten, have refufed to play the return match, although Walden gave them the liberty to make the match more equal, to take any man out of Bocking club, or any adjoining parish. It is to be wifhed that Great Sampford and Finchingfield will for the future, be cautious who hey challenge to play with. A fhort time fince, a match of ricket was played at Chelmsford, etween the cricketers' of Chelmsord, and thofe of Great Baddow, which was easily won by the lat er. 339 |