kidney, think of that; that am as subject to heat, as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle, to 'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe ; think of that, hissing hot,-think of that, master Brook. Ford. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate ; you'll undertake her no more.

Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, master Brook.

Ford. 'Tis past eight already, sir.

Fal. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her: Adieu. You shall have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.

[Exit.

Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vision is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford; there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen, and buck-baskets-Well, I will proclaim myself what I am : I will now take the lecher; he is at my house he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box : but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad.® [Exit.

[7] Kidney in this phrase now signifies kind or qualities, but Falstaff means, man whose kidnies are as fat as mine." JOHNSON.

64

[8] There is no image which our author appears so fond of, as that of cuckolds' horns. Scarcely a light character is introduced that does not endeavour to produce merriment by some allusion to horned husbands. As he wrote his plays for the stage rather than the press, he perhaps reviewed them seldom, and did not observe this repetition, or finding the jest, however frequent, still successful, did not think correction necessary. JOHNSON

So here

ACT IV.

SCENE I.-The Street. Enter Mrs. PAGE, Mrs. QUICKLY,
and WILLIAM.
Mrs. Page.

IS he at master Ford's already, think'st thou ?

Quic. Sure, he is by this; or will be presently: but truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.

Mrs. Page. I'll be with her by and by, I'll but bring my young man here to school: Look, where his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see.

Enter Sir HUGH EVANS.
How now, sir Hugh? no school to day?

Eva. No; master Slender is let the boys leave to play.
Quic. Blessing of his heart!

Mrs. Page. Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray you, ask him some questions in his accidence.

Eva. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come. Mrs. Page. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head ; answer your master, be not afraid.

Eva. William, how many numbers is in nouns ?
Will. Two.

Quic. Truly, I thought there had been one number more; because they say, od's nouns.

Eva. Peace your tattlings. What is fair, William ?
Will. Pulcher.

Quic. Poulcats! there are fairer things than poulcats,

sure.

Eva. You are a very simplicity 'oman

peace. What is lapis, William ?

Will. A stone.

Eva. And what is a stone, William ?

Will. A pebble.

; I pray you,

Eva. No, it is lapis; I pray you, remember in your prain.

Will. Lapis.

Eva. That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles?

Will. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun; and be thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, hæc, hoc.

Eva. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog;-pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus: Well, what is your accusative case? Will. Accusativo, hinc.

Eva. I pray you, have your remembrance, child; Accusativo, hing, hang, hog.

Quic. Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. Eva. Leave your prabbles, 'oman.-What is the focative case, William ?

Will. O-vocativo, O.

Eva. Remember, William ; focative is, caret.
Quic. And that's a good root.

Eva. 'Oman, forbear.

Mrs. Page. Peace.

Eva. What is your genitive case plural, William ?
Will. Genitive case?

Eva. Ay.

Will. Genitive,horum, harum, horum.

Quic. 'Vengeance of Jenny's case! fye on her !-never name her, child, if she be a whore.

Eva. For shame, 'oman.

Quic. You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves; and to call horum :-fye upon you!

Eva. 'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish christian creatures as I would desires. Mrs. Page. Pr'ythee, hold thy peace.

Eva. Shew me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.

Will. Forsooth. I have forgot.

Eva. It is ki, kæ, cod; if you forget your kies, your kas, and your cods, you must be preeches. Go your ways, and play, go.

Mrs. Page. He is a better scholar than I thought he was. Eva. He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mrs. Page. [Exit Sir HUGH

Mrs. Page. Adieu, good sir Hugh.-Get you home, boy.-Come, we stay too long. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.

A Room in FORD's house. Enter FALSTAFF and Mrs. FORD.

Fal. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance: I see, you are obsequious in your love, and

I profess requital to a hair's breadth, not only, mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now ?

Mrs. Ford. He's a birding, sweet sir John.

Mrs. Page. [Within.] What hoa, gossip Ford ! what hoa! Mrs. Ford. Step into the chamber, sir John. [Ex. FAL. Enter Mrs. PAGE.

Mrs. Page. How now,

sides yourself?

sweetheart? who's at home be

Mrs. Ford. Why, none but mine own people.
Mrs. Page. Indeed?

Mrs. Ford. No, certainly ;-Speak louder.

[Aside.

Mrs. Page. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. Mrs. Ford. Why?

Mrs. Page. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, Peer-out, Peer-out! that any madness, I ever yet beheld, seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now I am glad the fat knight is not here.

Mrs. Ford. Why, does he talk of him?

Mrs. Page. Of none but him; and swears, he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket : protests to my husband, he is now here; and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery. Mrs. Ford. How near is he, mistress Page?

Mrs. Page. Hard by; at street end; he will be here

anon.

Mrs. Ford. I am undone !—the knight is here.

Mrs. Page. Why, then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead man. What a woman are you ?-Away with him, away with him; better shame than murder.

Mrs. Ford. Which way should he go? how should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?

Re-enter FALSTAFF.

Fal. No, I'll come no more i' the basket: May I not go out, ere he come?

Mrs. Page. Alas, three of master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols, that none should issue out;

otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?

Fal. What shall I do ?--I'll creep up into the chimney. Mrs. Ford. There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces: Creep into the kiln-hole.

Fal. Where is it?

Neither

Mrs. Ford. He will seek there, on my word. press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: There is no hiding you in the house. Fal. I'll go out then.

Mrs. Page. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, sir John. Unless you go out disguised,

Mrs. Ford. How might we disguise him?

Mrs. Page. Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise, he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.

Fal. Good hearts, devise something: any extremity, rather than a mischief.

Mrs. Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above.

Mrs. Page. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler too: Run up, sir John.

Mrs. Ford. Go, go, sweet sir John: mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head.

Mrs. Page. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight. put on the gown the while.

[Exit FAL. Mrs. Ford. I would my husband would meet him in this shape he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears, she's a witch; forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her.

:

Mrs. Page. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

Mrs. Ford. But is my husband coming?

Mrs. Page. Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.

Mrs. Ford. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time.

Mrs. Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford.

[1] The thrum is the end of a weaver's warp, and we may suppose, was used for the purpose of making coarse hats. The muffler was a thin piece of linen that covered the lips and chin. STEEVENS.